


A Slumber Did My Spirit Seal

by LeMann66



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen, Welcome to Sanditon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:00:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 98,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27637193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeMann66/pseuds/LeMann66
Summary: Charlotte and Sidney are friends in their twenties finding their footing in the world. With some history, how will these two fare as roommates?
Comments: 459
Kudos: 342





	1. Cheers (I'll drink to that)

_**25th April 2006** _

Sidney watched her leave. He stood there as still as a glass window, watching the door close behind her.

It is what it is. It was what it was.

_Great_ , Sidney thought, scrunching his fists at his side as he struggled to peel his eyes off of the wooden door. _What does that even mean_? He mentally shouted at himself as the silence of Sanditon Halls began to sink in once again- even as the voices of all the people outside of his flat still lingered. _Her voice too_. She’s been here now and he’d never be able to un-see her now. 

He should have done this all differently. He should have acted differently when she had arrived earlier. He should of better controlled his temper when they spoke just twenty minutes go. Hell, just ten or even five minutes ago.

Retracing his steps, Sidney realised he was going to have to live his life backwards for a chance to fix things between them.

He was always screwing it up and this was no different to the last time. Why he had thought that he could have controlled the situation this time was beyond him- he made plans and life always seemed to laugh at him. Like the time he had gone to Willingden to just pick up his car- _as if that was really why he went back_. He should have done something then. He should have done something three years ago.

Maybe he was too late now.

Did he really say she could make up whatever story she wanted about what had happened between them and he would write the narrative as she wished? Yes. It wasn’t because he didn’t care. It was because that was how little he mattered to himself. Will she conjure up a story for him to write into his books? Will it make her feel better when she narrates him as the villain? Will it make him feel better or worse if she does? It made no difference to Sidney now. He wouldn’t ever be around to know anyway.

Love, huh?

What little Sidney did know about love was all about her, and he wished he didn’t. Whenever he saw her, he felt like he was hearing a love song and wanted to jump inside it. But she didn’t love him. Not anymore and Sidney didn’t blame her for not feeling the same. How could she after everything they had been through? How could she even know him when all she’d ever seen was the stiff upper lip on his surface?

All she had was his stupid notes in the margins of her books, a few good guesses about who he was and his barren I love you’s.

Clearing his throat, Sidney rubbed his head as he tried to dispel the thoughts stirring in his mind right now. He had had plenty of time to learn how to handle the feelings in the pit of his stomach by now, not necessary well (that was for sure), but still, it was the only option he really had. To wash them away as easily as the sea washed the shore because otherwise he would just drown in them- and he needed to be able to breathe now.

Checking his watch, Sidney knew that Babington and Crowe would be at the Crown by now- waiting for him and ready to bust his balls over the fact that he was late. He had waited to be alone with her but that had meant that time had slipped away from him and his plans with his friends, had fallen to the back of his mind. Quickly slipping on his black leather jacket, Sidney headed down the flight of stairs in his apartment building and out onto the cobbled street. He hoped that if he walked quickly enough, the sting in his throat could be from his exhausting pace and not just from his argument with Charlotte- not that he could think of Charlotte right now. Not without the humiliation of their conversation making him feel nauseous.

Pushing the bar doors, Sidney groaned inwardly as he knew that his tardiness meant that the loud music had already started playing. _Another thing to add to my headache_ , Sidney thought. Looking around the room, Sidney spotted the guys in a corner. Crowe was in the middle of several girls (Sidney only recognising a couple of them, including one that had been angling for his attention the last few weeks). Babington noticed him first from the crowd of people that had gathered around the duo, and raised his hand to Sidney. Some of the people had turned their heads at Babington’s gesture- one being the girl. She was nice enough and Sidney thought he would return to her attention later, but first he needed to get some drinks down him first. _Definitely more than some tonight._

Drowning himself in the rough music of the crowded room, Sidney threw back bourbon shot after shot as he tried to take his mind to oblivion. The loud setting meant that he could get away with just gestures, smirks and mouthing words at people who said hello to him as they approached the bar. After a couple of beers, Sidney was back onto his bourbon. Staring blankly at the posters for different bands and newspaper clipping that had been wallpapered across the room, Sidney allowed the monstrous noise fill his skill and blocked out everything else that was floating in there. He noticed that the crowd had somewhat thinned but most of the people who had remained where from Sanditon as well.

Lazily looking over his shoulder to get a better look at the rest of the room, Sidney noticed the girl from earlier looking at him. She was stood between a wall and her friend- who was getting picked up by Crowe from the look of things. The girl looked bored and the way she bit her bottom lip told Sidney she was probably just minutes away from wanting to leave.

Turing to pay the bartender, Sidney was surprised to see his glass had already been refilled. He looked over to his other side and found a girl on a chair two seats over from him. She was more of a woman, Sidney thought as he looked at her with a hazy glaze. She was slim. Her hair was blonde and curly. Her clothes were oversized as she smiled at him, coolly raising her glass at him- a clear drink of sorts with ice. It took him a second, but Sidney could finally place the woman. She lived next door to him.

Thanking the woman for the drink, Sidney glanced back to the girl in the corner. She was staring at him and looked as if she was drowning. He was drunk and no fun for anyone but Sidney knew she wouldn’t care. He had experience with her type and once someone like her had decided she liked him for no valid reason, she would not settle for anything else. Still, Sidney knew a thing or two about manners.

Turning back to his neighbour at the bar, Sidney cleared his throat, “I didn’t need another one.”

“Figured it wouldn’t hurt. Cheers,” she said, speaking into her glass.

Sidney turned his body towards her and said, “Well?”

His neighbour looked at him with a raised eyebrow before understanding exactly what he was asking her, “Babington was boring me.”

“And you think I’ll do better?” Sidney said, returning his attention to his drink and downing it with a determined gulp.

“I’m not looking for you to do better, just that you’ll sit here for a while and keep me company, so I don’t have to go back,” she said nonchalantly as she sipped on her drink.

“I’m not any sort of company tonight,” Sidney said politely.

“And why is that?” she asked curiously, slipping over the seats so she was closer to him. 

Sidney looked at her, almost shocked by her forwardness. The question was filtered through the layers of her mannerisms. She was obviously in control. She was asking to be polite, Sidney thought to himself. She was probably counting on his silence and if he knew women like her as well as he thought he did, then if he did the opposite of what she expected him to do, then she would go back to Babington. Sidney still needed to brace himself to turn the words into shrapnel the way he did sometimes when he wanted out of a situation; _it’s how you line them up, pace them, emphasize them, or don’t_. For a second he shuttered at the thought that he might do okay in a poetry slam. He took a breath and answered her question.

“The girl I’ve been in love with since I was failing High School showed up to review my book, kissed me, and promptly realised she was still in love with her boyfriend- a Porsche-driving wanker currently squandering the education she worked all her life to attain. Turns out she was just here for the sole purpose of making him pay for cheating on her by-” Sidney couldn’t finish the sentence. He was really just a delicate flower when it came to any in regards to her and instead, he nails his gaze to the sticky, worn counter. “She knew I’d do anything. Ain’t love grand?”

Sidney downed half of his freshly refilled drink as soon as he finished talking- the alcohol making his skin numb. It was quiet for a few seconds- even as the room mellowed with live music still playing in the background. Turning his head to look at his neighbour and see if his words landed like he had intended them to, Sidney crinkled his eyebrows as he saw the small smile widen on the woman’s face. Dam it.

“So how did she like the book?” the woman asked with a smirk.

“She loved it,” Sidney chuckled coldly.

Looking at her, Sidney liked the way there was warmth in her eyes. She wasn’t put off by his brutish way of thinking. She was intrigued in a strange kind of way that felt slightly unfamiliar to Sidney.

“So let me get this straight?” the woman said, leaning in towards him, “You love someone who’s elsewhere, who used you like a tool and then chose someone else over you?”

Sidney didn’t bank on her brutality, but he really liked it. It has a nice cauterizing feel to it, “It’s the only way I’ve ever loved anyone.”

Covering her mouth with her hand, the woman gave out a short laugh, “Pathetic,” she says as she stirs her drink, “Unfortunately I can relate though.”

Shaking the hazy, drunkenness from his mind, Sidney finally realised he actually knew a ton about this woman who lived in the flat next to his. She was a writer and he had read many of her books when he was studying English Literature at uni a year ago. Her writing was all based on her real life. Real shit. Her mother died early, her father worked abroad, sending a bunch of au pairs of varying quality, putting it mildly, to the very plush flat she lived in, more or less alone for her formative years. Poor little rich girl.

“Margret, right?”

“I go by Mary,” she responded sharply.

“Well Mary Margret,” Sidney said, swallowing the rest of his drink while she laughed at him, “Thanks for the drink,” Sidney wiggled the empty glass in the air, “It’s been a hoot, but unfortunately I’m not in the mood to commiserate the losses of my heart.”

Mary smiled broadly at him this time, showing her teeth as she shook off the thought of his little school boy behaviours. Her warmth made Sidney want to find a way to stay, but he knew he needed to return to his normal behaviour and he had some brooding and personal wrecking to do. Looking over his shoulder to the corner and the girl who was still there, pretending not to look at him, Sidney put on his best mask.

“Besides, I have a previous engagement,” Sidney said.

Swiping his leather jacket from the seat that separated them, Sidney more or less bowed his head in Mary’s head before heading to the corner, to the girl not requiring words and who would allow him to wallow in his silent sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
> Thank you all so much for giving this story a go. It will be a bit of a slow burn and will explore some very iffy behaviour in regards to the traditional morals of a monogamous relationship (also known as drama of the week in your twenties).  
> I do hope you'll enjoy it x


	2. Dear April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Charlotte's perspective

_**25th April 2006** _

Pushing her foot down on the accelerator, Charlotte left Sanditon behind as fast as she could. She was doing her best to not speed but as a kaleidoscope of emotions stirred in her, she struggled not to. Loosening the grip from around the steering wheel, Charlotte sang along loudly to the radio. Bad day. She didn’t even like that song but the thought of sitting in silence was too horrifying a prospect right now.

For a minute, Charlotte considered pulling over to ransac the glove box for something weird to eat. The snacks had been put together by her sister Alison, but Charlotte’s usual appetite for comfort eating had disappeared and instead she settled with cranking up the volume and blaring it so loudly that the car vibrated from the sound alone. 

Chewing on her lip, Charlotte sat nervously on the leather seat and forced her thoughts to repeat the words “I’m in love with him”. If she repeated it enough maybe then she would finally start to believe them again, even though they changed nothing. She was still angry with Edward but there was a part of her that loves Edward.

When he walked out this morning over nothing, in her opinion, she wondered how she loved him. Maybe they had traded personalities. She loved Edward in the way he used to love her; carelessly, freely, joyously, and saw no reason for him to need anything different. That feeling of love though did not stop her from jumping in her car and driving to Sanditon. It did not stop her seeking out the only person she had ever felt time slip away with. It did not stop her from wanting Edward to know that he would never hold the pieces of her heart the way _he_ did. A whole canvas not just the pieces ripped apart at the seams.

She was disappointed in Edward for breaking the fragility of their existence- cheating on her in the gardens as Reverend Hankins read their best friends vows , and now it was worse because-

“Stop it!” Charlotte shouted loudly at herself.

She hadn’t expected it to be like this, she’d seen it in her mind’s eye, like a movie, coldly smiling revenge, something to restore balance to the universe, but instead: his eyes, mouth, and his smell- 

“Fuck!”

It was him, and _he_ was real. Too real. That’s how he always felt, how could she forget? She’d recalled him with vitriol, his strength and ruthlessness, but when he looked at her in that bookshop as she asked him to sign her copy of his book, she remembered. That was just one aspect of him, and rarely one she had experienced first-hand. He was always different with her- the two of them bonded by the scribbles on the side of many books they both enjoyed reading.

She hadn’t been honest in her intentions, but he had been. She had welcomed his warm lips against hers and it was just them again. Just like that.

But she had only gone to see him as she knew he was the blood stained knife she could push into Edwards back in her attempts to get back at him for what he had done to her. But being with _him_ felt too good to taint. Being with him was like being in a secret oasis and she needed that safe place- even if it was just in her mind.

As their lips parted and she realised that Edward was still at home, Charlotte told Sidney she couldn’t do it again. She wanted to forget the past as the memories came rushing in but she couldn’t forget that he left first. She couldn’t forget that he was always the one who held back.

 _He_ was always the one who broke her heart.

***

For weeks, Charlotte pushed the thoughts of April out of her mind. She rubbed her lips and instantly regretted feeling like she was carry the taste of him wherever she went. She hated that every time she tried to make things work with Edward, her mind would keep wishing it was Sidney- remembering how his hands fit in better with hers or that his scent lingered all over her every time she wrapped herself in his embrace.

Pouring the black coffee into her cup as she sat at the dining table in Edward’s kitchen, Charlotte just stared at the marble table top. She pictured Sidney’s eyes in the soft lines of the marble. She could take the stars from his eyes and then make a map if she wanted. And she really wanted to. But distance changed everything and the two of them had mountains between them.

“What were you doing in Sanditon?” Edward said loudly as he walked into the table with a receipt in hand. A receipt she had kept in the pages of _his_ book.

Turning her head up slowly, it took Charlotte a few seconds to even register Edward’s presence- let alone his question. Blinking her eyes a few times, Charlotte just stared at the angry creases of Edward’s face. It had been weeks since she had seen him, but Edward’s question still opened up a wormhole that threw her back in time.

“What does it matter to you?”

Staring at her, Edward tightened his hold around the receipt in hand before he furiously threw it onto the table. Charlotte’s own tone was chipper enough to startle even her, while she scrambled for a way back to her actual point in time. _You can always tell him that we did something,_ the little voice in her head said to her. He had cheated on her and this would just even the playing field. But Charlotte didn’t want to even the playing field. _He_ wasn’t a thought she wanted muddied by Edward or anyone else for that matter. Charlotte felt sick to her stomach, but smiled anyway as she turned to look up at Edward- stood there like a furious lion stalking its prey.

“Just curious.” Edward said, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from shouting.

“Just catching up with old friends,” Charlotte said as calmly as she could.

“Old boyfriends, right?” Edward shrugged.

Scoffing, Charlotte turned away from him, flipping her hair as theatrically as she could manage, “None of your business.”

Edward laughed. Her smile froze. Charlotte couldn’t help but think that maybe she should have done something differently. Like really done something. Maybe whisper an I love you. Maybe tell him a reassuring lie. Maybe just wrapped her arms around him. Instead, she sat in her seat and swirled her finger around her coffee cup as she heard him storm out of the house. She knew exactly why she didn’t do anything; because it would have changed everything and she would have been stuck with him and she knew she just wanted him beside her because she didn’t want to be alone.

Not because she wanted him.


	3. Seaside Rendezvous

_**2nd June 2008** _

“Alison,” Charlotte said into her phone as she balanced the device between her ear and he shoulder and slammed her car door shut, “I’ve got to go, this is the place.”

“Oh, oh, tell me about it, is it as bad as the last one?” Alison asked eager through the phone.

Charlotte stood on the spot and slowly turned to take in the scene. She was parked outside of the large house which had been converted into flats. The building itself was a bit worn but still possessed all of its regency grandeur (most of its original design still intact). The other side of the road just held other shops and more buildings- nothing too special. Turning to look down the narrow road though is where Charlotte saw the real attraction. In the short distance was where the sea was drawn from the horizon to the ground. The crashing sound of waves was carried through the air and the smell of salt could be sniffed for miles.

“No. It’s kind of great actually,” Charlotte said with a soft smile.

“Oh! Tell me more,” Alison said.

Charlotte stifled a sigh as she glanced at her watch. She was early and knew she was going to have to wait for the agent before she could actually set her eyes on the place she could potentially be living in for the next few years of her life.

Looking around again, Charlotte decided to look for the practical things she would need. The building was closer to the train station than she originally thought- close enough to walk but not so close that the rattling of metal on rails would keep her up all night. There was coffee shop opposite her building- some where she knew she would be visiting frequently. Charlotte gave the building a closer once over. It was three stories high, sandstone brick, and at the corner of the street. A fire escape zigzaged its way down the side of the wall and stopped over the entrance.

“Umm… the location’s great, and if I’m correct, then the flat itself is the entirety or at least the vast majority of the third floor, which is crazy space to rent for the price they’re renting at. I can’t wait to meet whoever owns this place,” Charlotte said.

“Mister Moneybags. Remember sis, these guys prey on pretty young things like you, make sure your door locks from the inside,” Alison said sternly.

“Alison!” 

“What?” Alison said defensively.

“Way to scare me!” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes at her sister through the phone as she turned her head up to look at the flat all those feet above her.

“If I don’t say it, Susan will have my head. Don’t forget that she’s still a little pissed she wasn’t allowed to involve her real estate agent in this!” Alison said, almost laughing on her words. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going to check if the guy is already inside. I’ll speak to you later okay,” Charlotte said.

Charlotte hung up the phone before Alison even had the chance to protest. She loved her sister dearly but Alison sure knew how to talk someone’s ear off. Slipping her phone into her back pocket, Charlotte’s heeled boots hit against the concrete pavement as she took the few steps to the front door. Looking carefully at the worn and small numbers on white sheets of paper, stuffed under cheap plastic covers, Charlotte searched for her door number- number 25. Once she spotted the black turned green sheet, Charlotte eagerly pressed the buzzer.

“Yeah?” a guy’s voice muffled through the buzzer.

Charlotte pushed her sister’s insinuation aside and cleared her throat before speaking, “Yeah, hi, I’m Charlotte Heywood, I’m here about the room.”

“Oh, right, let me buzz you up,” he said quickly.

Charlotte leaned her entire body against the heavy door to open it as the annoying sound of the buzzer lingered. Walking into the hallway, Charlotte immediately saw the tiny, ancient elevator cut into the back wall. Charlotte knew she’d never ride- it was too much like a cage.

When Charlotte reached the third floor after a hefty number of steps, both doors on either side of the hallway were open. She tried peering into the one on the left, then the right but her head immediately jerked when a man’s head popped out of the right door. He smirked as he gave her a once over. Taking a step out into the hall, he reached a hand out to greet her.

“Hi! I’m James. Most people just call me Stringer though,” he said softly.

He seemed cute, Charlotte thought. His cheeky smile and dimples suggested he was a playful person- a definite puppy like quality about him. Charlotte thought back to Alison’s words and suddenly, she had a very hard time believing he would prey on anyone.

“Charlotte,” she said, reaching out her hand to shakes his, “Pleasure to meet you Stringer. You’re the owner?”

He laughed, “Oh no.”

“I’m confused,” Charlotte said, raising an eyebrow.

Stringer smiled, seemingly enjoying her confusion, “Margret is that way,” Stringer said as he pointed across the hall.

“A woman?” Charlotte said with a smile. _Miss Moneybags_.

“Yeah, why?” Stringer asked nonchalantly.

“I don’t know. I just assumed that it was a man. The name on the rental was Holden,” Charlotte said.

“It’s definitely a woman. I’ve seen a lot more of her than I probably should admit,” Stringer chuckled, “Anyway, she is in the flat opposite.”

“I pushed the wrong button,” Charlotte said as more of a statement than a question, slightly embarrassed.

“Pretty much. Not that I mind,” Stringer said, giving her a cheeky wink.

 _Maybe more fox cub than puppy then,_ Charlotte thought to herself before clearing her throat to speak again, “So you know each other then?”

“Two peas in a very weird pod,” Stringer said softly before nodding to the door across the hall, “Just let yourself in, head for the kitchen, farthest room in the whole place.”

“Thanks,” Charlotte said.

Treading carefully, Charlotte entered the flat. There was a corridor that ran directly down the middle of the place. To her right, Charlotte could see a doorway to what looked like a large common room, several sofas, armchairs and low tables. They were placed in clusters throughout the space and a big TV stood in the corner. On the left, there was a closed door with a name tapped to it. She passed one more room just like it, as well as another common room and two bathrooms. At the end of the corridor, Charlotte finally spotted the kitchen, but there was no movement inside. _Has Stringer just sent me on a wild goose chase?_ She thought.

The last door before the kitchen was closed but Charlotte could hear loud rock music blare from behind the closed door. She was just about to knock on the door to ask where she could find Margret, when a voice came from the kitchen.

“In here,” she said sharply.

Stepping into the kitchen, Charlotte looked around curiously. The building didn’t give much away from outside. The kitchen was large, recently renovated from the looks of it. There was a bar made from some kind of dark stone- maybe granite, sticking out from the wall opposite the counter.

A woman, presumably Margret, got up from her place in one of the stools and reached for Charlotte’s hand. She was younger than she sounded but she definitely looked like a woman.

“You’re Jane’s friend?”

“Yes, we went to school together.” Charlotte answered, nervously finding her footing on the marble floors. “How did you know her again?” 

“Summers in France,” the lady said nonchalantly.

“I have heard about those,” Charlotte said, smiling tightly.

Leading Charlotte to the bar, the woman offered Charlotte a seat on the opposing side of the bar and they both sat down. The lady swung her stiletto heeled shoes onto the bar and sunk back against her chair before clearing her throat and looking at Charlotte.

“Tell me about yourself.”

“Well... umm, I’m from Willingden. I graduated Oxford a year ago, and since then I spent time intering at the Telegraph in London. Me and a bunch of interns ran a blog, I sold some articles that I’d written to a few newspapers and magazines.”  
“Sounds busy,” she said, staring out of the window and nodding her head distractedly.  
“It was,” Charlotte responded tightly, wary of whether the woman actually liked her.  
“And now?” The woman asked, turning her head to look at Charlotte.  
  
Charlotte tapped her fingers nervously against her thighs as she focused on the one lose thread in her tights. She had answered questions like these couple of times in the last few days as she was looking at number of places, but it hadn’t got any easier to keep an even tone.  
  
“My grandpa had a heart attack. Alison- my sister, is kind of ill-equipped to handle it and it’s just been us two and my grandma Susan for a while,” Charlotte smiled tightly. ”I figured that it was better to stay close... stay put for a while. Sanditon is far enough from home to not feel like a bird in a cage. It’s also close enough to London, which has always been a place I’ve wanted to work and live. I’m too chicken to buy or rent on my own... I have this theory that I’ll be too tied down by it, so I decided to move to share a place in Sanditon.”  
“So what are you doing- or planning to do for rent?” The lady asked, taking her feet off the table and planting them firmly on the floor.  
“Writing, freelancing, maybe get a part time job. I left my last job on good terms so they said they’d help in any way they could. And, you don’t have to worry about money, I’m good for first and last month’s rent, plus a deposit,” Charlotte said, fumbling over her words as she spoke.  
“I rarely worry about money,” the woman laughed.  
“I didn’t think so-”  
“I was thinking more along the lines of messy habits, illegal substances, rowdy boyfriends,” the woman listed.  
“I have none of those. I wash my clothes by colour and whites, I only take legal substances only and I have no boyfriend,” Charlotte said sharply.  
“I’m surprised,” the woman said, brushing her finger over her top lip.  
“Thank you?” Charlotte said hesitantly.  
“About the boyfriend-bit,” the woman clarified.  
”Well, I broke up with my last one about a year ago,” Charlotte said timidly- more because she felt like she had to give an answer as opposed to wanting to. She had spent most of the year not really thinking about Edward- never really having had the time to process it properly. ”Distance wasn’t what he signed up for, and since then all I’ve done is work.”  
”How ’bout rowdy girlfriends then? Because those are always welcome.”  
Charlotte laughed, “They tend to range between angry, nerdy, and chatty.”

“Well, they’re all welcome here,” Margret smiled.

Sliding off her chair, Margeret patted down her smart suit trousers and white blouse- which was coolly turned up at the sleeves. Charlotte wasn’t sure what she was supposed to as Margret began to walk out of the room. _Was this over? Had she failed?_

“Come on Charlotte. Let me tell you about the place,” Mary shouted from the hall.

“Coming,” Charlotte said, almost running as she stepped into the corridor.

“The blue doors are for my tenants. Closest to the kitchen is me- red door, and my boyfriend, who is playing music so we’ll be undisturbed for now. It’s not always like this,” Margret said, walking slowly as she talked, vaguely gesturing at the doors as she did. “There’s Esther on the other end, she’s a paralegal. I have no idea why she’s still here considering her aunt owns a fancy Grande state just a stone throw away really but she is. The room in the middle would be yours. You smoke?”

“No,” Charlotte said, trying to not be too fervently in her response.

Margret smiled as she pushed on the door handle for the room with no name tag, “Well, there’s a fire escape, previous smokers have made use of it for their habit. It’s furnished, as you can see-”

Charlotte walked into the bedroom. It was weirdly shaped, like corner spaces tended to be. There was a bed straight to her left, doors to a wardrobe by the end of it and an empty bookshelf by the opposing wall. Behind the door was a reading chair and a worn sofa table next to a lamp. The window was big, the glass was old and Charlotte just knew that the winters here were likely to be cold. Not that it mattered at the moment. It was summer now anyway.

Walking closer to the window as Margret spoke in the background, Charlotte inspected the fire place. It was steely black outside the window, a stark contrast against the foggy, blue sky and matt brick red and brown of the window and building across the street.

“-there are two bathrooms, the yellow doors, the closest one is across the hall, but we all take turns keeping them clean, same thing goes for the kitchen and the common rooms via rotating schedule. How does that seem to you?” Margret asked, looking at Charlotte.

“That sounds like an invitation,” Charlotte said with a grin, she was having some trouble believing her luck, “It seems great and the place is great. How long have you had the flat?”

“You mean how do I afford it?” Margret said.

“Sort of,” Charlotte said shyly- had she been too forward?

“My useless father had the good sense to pass away a few years back,” Margret said, taking Charlotte back a bit with the jerk of her harsh words, but Margret was calm, “I put my inheritance and trust fund to good use and brought this place. I liked the sea and wanted the company.”

“Making room for a chosen family?” Charlotte said.

“In a way. I have my practical space sorted. I’m just working on the emotional one,” Margret said softly.

Frank. To the point. Charlotte liked it and she liked her. Charlotte hadn’t experienced Margret’s particular difficulties but felt a familiarity all the same to her. A warmth that drew Charlotte towards her and this place.

“As far as I’m concerned the room’s yours if you want it,” Margret said.

“Really?” Charlotte smiled, “I’m so happy.”

“Glad to hear it, when do you wanna move in?” Margret asked sharply.

“Next week, if that’s okay?” Charlotte suggested.

“It’s totally okay. I’ll get the papers,” Margret said.

Sorting out the paperwork was quick and efficient. It was clear her new landlord had done this a few times. She had even made Charlotte a macchiato on her fancy coffee machine and walked her to the door while browsing the finalised papers. Charlotte’s was halfway out the door when Margret spoke up again.

“It was a pleasure to meet you Charlotte Heywood,” Margret said.

“Pleausre to meet you too Margret,” Charlotte said with a smile.

“Margret is an old ladies name. I barely use it any more. Call me Mary,” Mary said with a chuckled.

“Like Bloody Mary,” Charlotte remarks.

“Like that,” Mary said, raising her hand to shake Charlottes, “See you in a few days.”

“Yeah, see ya.”

Even with the door to the flat closed, the music from Mary’s bedroom leaked out into the hall. She walking down the stairs and to her parked car outside, Charlotte glanced back at the house again. She was looking forward to settling into Trafalgar house.


	4. Come Together

_**6th June 2008** _

  
A week later Charlotte moved into the flat at Trafalgar house with great excitement. She had already pictured herself sipping coffee on the fire escape whilst reading Wordsworth or Plath every time she packed up her old room. Or hosting her small group of friends around the bar in the kitchen as she sat listening to her grandma over a glass of wine. Moving day could not have come any sooner for her as Charlotte thought of her fresh start.  
  
When moving day finally arrived, Charlotte didn’t have much to take with her- all the belongings she wanted (and needed) fit into the boot of her Nissan Micra and the back of Alison’s Mini Cooper. It was mainly just a bunch of boxes full of clothes, music, bedlinen, bathroom gear and lots of books, along with a very precious snow globe her parents had gotten her for her 7th birthday- the last birthday they had celebrated with her.

Alison had dragged herself out of bed at some rudely early hour of the morning to help Charlotte settle in. As someone who values her sleep over everything, Charlotte had said many times that Alison didn’t need to accompany her but Alison insisted- even as she moaned. Alison was determined that she would be helping Charlotte. Not that Alison’s idea of helping was of much use- it mainly consisted of getting coffee and then drinking both cups when Charlotte muttered she didn’t have time to have hers.  
  
“If you just wanted to check the place out, you would’ve been welcome at any other time,” Charlotte said as she stacked the books on her bookshelf.  
“And miss out on watching you work? Oh, to be young and move into a room of one’s own in somebody else’s flat!” Alison said dramatically as she laid on Charlotte’s bed.  
Charlotte sighed, dropping the book in her hand to her lap and turned to see her little sister, “Firstly, you can be young and move into a room of your own because guess what... you are young. Secondly, what’s got a bee in your bonnet?”  
“I still don’t see why you couldn’t stay with me. Your room is still there,” Alison said.  
“Oh, to be young and move back home to your grandma and Sister.” Charlotte countered, “You of all people should understand why this is how I want to do it. But oh, to be young and full of complaints.”  
“Hey!” Alison shouted, instantly jolting up from the bed.  
“Hey yourself! Put down the cup, you’re done. Pick up a box and make yourself useful,” Charlotte said, a clear tone of authority in her voice.  
  
Alison sighed but did as she was told. Charlotte knew deep down that her little sister was just upset that she was leaving again- she had only really just returned from London and now Charlotte was leaving the little one to her own adventures again. But they would still be bonded at the hip like they always had been since they were children- it would just be in a different way now.  
  
The two of them grabbed the last few boxes from the car and started carrying the boxes up the stairs- stacking a few boxes into the elevator, pressing the button and then racing the elevator as their feet pounded against the laminate stairs. At the top of the stairs, Charlotte spotted a red-head leaning against the wall beside their flat door.  
  
“The place is all yours. I’m on my way out,” Esther said, greeting Alison and then slipped Charlotte a small bundle of keys, “Mary is cooking something up tonight with our neighbour Stringer at his. She said to invite you.”  
“Thanks,” Charlotte said.  
“Later,” Esther said, waving before disappearing down the stairs.  
  
Stuffing the keys in her pocket, Charlotte pulled open the doors to the elevator and pulled one box out to use as door stopper whilst they unloaded the rest. The two of them had sort of garnered a rhythm for moving the boxes- they had been doing this for a couple of hours now.  
  
“She’s cool,” Charlotte said, sliding the last box into her flat.  
“Obviously. What is it that she does?” Alison said.  
“She’s a paralegal but I found she likes writing in her free time. She has a blog. It’s sort of a mix between Gossip Girl, alternate lifestyle stuff, and autobiographic therapy, she was apparently also raised by the help,” Charlotte said, shrugging her shoulders.  
“Poor little rich girl,” Alison said sarcastically.  
Charlotte let out a loud laugh, “that’s rich coming from you.”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alison said with a smile.  
“Your practically living off of Susan’s money- living very well,” Charlotte said.  
“A young lady has needs Charlotte,” Alison laughed.  
  
Shaking her head, Charlotte returned to stacking the last of her books. They finished their tasks pretty quickly and the second Alison saw an opening, she grabbed Charlotte by the hand and insisted on taking Charlotte out for lunch.   
  
“Im going to take this moment to remind you that you’re under no obligation to drop everything and come home-” Alison began, pausing for a second due to chew the food in her mouth before continuing, “-don’t let Susan twist your arm-”  
“Alison, I’ve told you a hundred times it’s not that- Grandma hasn’t asked me for anything.”   
“Then what?” Alison said, “Why have you decided to move to Sanditon? And don’t say the sea. Susan is alway right on that account- if you gave a fig about the sea you would have moved to Brighton.”  
“This was my idea,” Charlotte said, trying to stay upbeat.  
  
She couldn’t tell Alison she was scared of things spiralling out of control between the rest of the Heywood’s in her absence, or that she had come to realise that she was the glue holding things together, or that her decision to live in Sanditon could hinder any far away journalism position’s she might of attained, or that this was not all her grandparents’ fault, but also some of Alison’s. Alison had spent the last two years living a reckless, teenage life, and that was okay. Until she went too far and landed their grandfather in hospital from the constant stress. Charlotte was the only one keeping her in line.  
  
Most of all, Charlotte couldn’t tell Alison that she wasn’t even panicking at these thoughts, but instead, maybe, possibly, she was okay with it, in a kind of resigned way. Fine with never broadcasting from Tehran or Timbuktu.  
  
“Look, it’s not like I bought a place. I’m renting a room. Hardly permanent. If you like, I could find a trailer park but I don’t think grandma would react well to that,” Charlotte said.  
  
Alison snorted as she paid the bill. Looping her arm through her sisters, she took deliberately slow steps along the pavement as she willed time to go just a little slower. Alison wasn’t ready to let Charlotte go just yet. Reluctantly, she untwined her arm from Charlotte’s once she reached her car.  
  
“Call me when you’re done with the room,” Alison said insistently.  
“I will. Call me when grandpa’s all settled back home, I want to go visit him,” Charlotte said, pulling her sister in for a long hug before finally letting her go.  
  
Charlotte headed upstairs, used her key for the first time and was greeted by a woman before she even had a chance to step foot inside the flat. Mary. She was exceedingly chatty and cheery, inviting Charlotte to the evening’s festivities, giving lengthy descriptions of Esther and Stringer as well as a rundown of tonight’s menu and the fact she had invited a few more friends to Stringer’s flat.

Mary spoke fast and managed to share all of this information in the course of five minutes. When Charlotte did get a chance to speak, she couldn’t think of anything other than to keep asking questions. Before Charlotte could ask anything else now though, she heard the door behind her open.  
  
Stringer stepped into the hallway and cleared his throat before speaking, “Sorry to interrupt ladies, but, I was gonna start getting things in order.”  
“I’ll be right there. You wanna come and help, Charlotte?” Mary said, “Fair warning; stoves and I do not intermingle, we’re like oil and water but it’s always fun.”  
“Rest assured though- there will be something edible on the table tonight Charlotte,” Stringer said with a smile as he noticed the worried crinkle in Charlotte’s forehead, “I’m actually a chef.”  
“Well you kept that quite Chef,” Charlotte said, her tone light and flirty, “However, I actually need to get ready for tonight- sounds more like a party than actual dinner so now jeans feels inappropriate.”  
“Yeah. Mary doesn’t do things small,” Stringer smiled, “We’re not letting you off that easy though, so you’re in charge of decorations.”  
“Okay. I’ll be around in twenty minutes,” Charlotte said, kicking the front door shut with her foot as Mary walked into Stringers.  
  
***

Party preparations mainly took place in Stringer’s apartment, despite it being distinctly smaller than Mary’s.

Stringers apartment was different to Mary’s- not just in size. The living space was large and open plan. The kitchen, lounge and dining room all visible from the front door. Two bedrooms on opposite side of the flats. One small closet to hang coats in. Two bathroom.

After a while Esther and her boyfriend Babington arrived and Charlotte got properly introduced to them both. Babington had a dry sense of humour, and reminded her a bit of the posh boys she knew at university. Esther’s serious, organized and intelligent self, didn’t really remind Charlotte of anyone, which got her thinking about her friends and what type she actually had represented here.  
  
Looking around, Charlotte wriggled her way around as the room filled. Other people started showing up quickly and everybody seemed to know each other or at least be comfortable enough to ignore each other. Mary re-arrived at the party in the brightest, silver jumpsuit Charlotte had seen in a while- red wine having stained her earlier look. Mary and Stringer stood talking in the kitchen and she waved at Charlotte to join them.  
  
The place was too crowded and Charlotte felt safer standing in there corner with Esther and Babington talking about estates than wondering though the crowds to find more like minded people. She feared that she would get lost, or worse, bitten and chewed off by someone she didn’t know.  
  
“Why isn’t the party at Mary’s place?” Charlotte asked Esther.  
“It is too. We just take turns hosting and the place providing the food usually winds up providing all the floor space,” she shrugged, “but the common rooms are open, people usually hang out there, listen to music and stuff like that.”  
  
Charlotte chatted with Esther some more and did the introductory rounds with her- Esther introducing Charlotte to a few of her work colleagues and old friends from the town (she had grown up in Sanditon after all). Charlotte looked for Babington for a moment- desperate for any excuse to escape legal talk with Esther but he was nowhere to be found.  
  
Stringer joined them as they reached the kitchen counter. He remained by Charlotte’s side even when the others headed to the middle of the room to dance.  
  
“So, how do you like your new place so far?” Stringer asked, sipping on a bottle of beer.  
“Too new to tell, but, the flat is amazing. I’m so jealous of Mary, just, being the mistress over it all. I think I’ve changed my life goal from writing to just being a mother hen at an apartment like that,” Charlotte joked.  
Stringer let out a laugh as he shook his head as he said, “Mother hen. A bohemian chick at best.” 

Charlotte noted that his tone was humorous, but with a little edge and was curious about what he meant. Mary and Stringer got on perfectly fine every time Charlotte saw them- laughing, falling over one another and whispering friendly jokes. Surely things hadn’t turned sour tonight?

She matched his tone when responding, “What do you know about it? Have you lived with her?”  
“No, but, she’s just not really warm enough for the motherly reference,” Stringer said.  
“Don’t you guys get on, or what? You looked friendly enough earlier,” Charlotte said, finally noticing that Mary wasn’t anywhere to be seen.  
“No she is great. The two of us have this great banter but as much as she loves to throw the parties, she’s like Gatsby- she lies in the shadow like an enigma. She very rarely actually spends time at these things. Just puts in a ten minutes opinion. She’s a hard one to impress,” Stringer said, gulping down his drink, “You’ll see it for yourself soon enough. I’m gonna get a refill, you want another one?”  
“No. I’m good thanks. I actually think I will go hang out in my room for a bit, see how I feel about it,” Charlotte said.  
  
Charlotte brought her half empty drink back into her flat with her. Esther’s room door was open and two guests could be seen going through her record collection as low music played from the stereo in the common room. Glancing towards the common room, Charlotte noticed a guy was lying on one of the sofa’s with his fedora over his face. The corridor was lit only by the light streaming from the bathrooms- red beacons for people in need.   
  
Unlocking her bedroom door, Charlotte quickly inside inside and shut the door. Leaning against it, Charlotte breathed a sigh of relieve. Even though the noise outside still muffled through her room, it somehow felt like the world had become much quieter as she leaned against the cold wood.

Finishing her glass of wine while making her bed, Charlotte finished unpacking a box of books, located her toothbrush, plugged in her lamp and lit a candle.   
  
Settling into her armchair, Charlotte looked at her bare beige walls. Just to have walls felt like such a comfort to her. The last year, she’d slept on buses, airports, offices and the hospital as she interned as a journalist before going home when he grandpa got ill. Now she was going to go to bed between these walls every night for a while.

These empty walls.

She’d have to decorate. Alison actually tried to buy her a poster at Ikea a few days ago, but she had fervently declined. Alison liked the kind of posters that hung in motels, airports, hospitals.

The room in Willingden Memorial had a stock photo of a landscape, very pretty, but still, Charlotte couldn’t shake the feeling of having seen it somewhere else, maybe in more than one place in the hospital or in one of the many motels from the last year. All Charlotte could associate with the posters was this feeling of going, and how it was messing with her sense of direction and balance. The thought of it leaked into even this moment, making her feel a little dizzy. Charlotte stood up abruptly and blew out the candle (she couldn’t relax in here now). She decided then to go into the kitchen in the hope of finding something to comfort herself with.  
  
Putting on her fluffy slips, Charlotte slipped out into the quieter flat. She turned on the kitchen light and tried to fiddle with the fancy coffee machine. When she just couldn’t work it out- her brain too tired from the moving and entertaining, Charlotte settled for the good old fashioned way. A kettle.

Flicking on the switch, Charlotte took a seat close to the window so she could look out into the street as she waited for the whistling to end.

It was still relatively early for a Friday and lots of people were moving around under the streetlights outside.

Steeping out of her seat, Charlotte pushed up the bottom of the window and leaned out so she could listen to the talk from people on the pavement (many of them partygoers leaving their building and waiting for a cab) and take in that salt air.

For the past eighteen years she had never had this; the reassuring sound of alternative life. There was only ever her and Alison, their set circumstances. Even now, during her last year of work, the evenings have been oddly quiet, spent in places just populated for work, not living.   
  
The kettle hissed as it finished heating and Charlotte closed the window before pouring the steaming water over her instant coffee granules- no milk as she craved a bitter taste in her mouth this evening.

Charlotte sat back down at the table and blew on the hot beverage before taking small sips from porcelain cup. She looked around the kitchen and soaked in the space. She could still hear the sounds from the party across the hall, echoes from voices in the stairs, music from Mary’s room.

This was a home- several actually, surrounded by so many others.

It felt new in a way that Charlotte couldn’t really figure out. She remembered her first night at Oxford, her first night on the road as a journalist. If she was ever going to get it right around here, she was going to have to get through the first night. The night she alway found hardest ever since her parents had died. But Charlotte had somewhat learnt the art of surviving in a new place and the quickest way to do that was to sleep.

Pouring out the remnants of coffee into the sink, Charlotte rinsed her cup and headed back to her bedroom.   
  
She was about to pass Mary’s door when she noticed it wasn’t closed all the way shut. Curiosity got the better of her and Charlotte slowed to identify the music that had pulled through the room on repeat for most of the night, but froze entirely as the sounds from the room become clearer. The rhythmic whispers from the bed, air being pushed out in breaths, moans, skin on skin. To make matters worse, movements to accompany the sounds were visible through the crack in the door- no more than shadows, sheets on the bed moving, but still.

Her new landlord was definitely having sex in there, Charlotte thought to herself.

Charlotte took a step backwards, which makes the previously silent floor whine in unison with the voices inside, but Charlotte still panicked that she had been caught and hurries back into the kitchen- her closest point of escape.  
  
Then silence falls.

Charlotte took a deep breath and realised she was still trapped here, in the farthest room of the flat, with no way of getting to her room without being noticed now. Trying to think quickly on her feet, Charlotte heard steps from Mary’s room.

She desperately rummaged through her dress pockets and found her mobile phone. It was turned off but she still pressed it to her ear and made a few incoherent sounds as if engaged in conversation- she didn’t want to be seen as nosey. Mary’s room door opened and Charlotte turned away from the moving figure before she could be seen staring at it- the figure had to be Mary’s boyfriend Charlotte thought- who entered the kitchen, and Charlotte knew she had to at least acknowledge his presence.   
  
She turned slightly, and dropped her phone as soon as she spotted in him in the refrigerator light. Her phone landed on the floor with a seemingly Earth shattering thud.   
  
It’s Sidney.   
  
Sidney is standing by the sink, barefoot in sweatpants, his t-shirt tossed over his bare shoulder, curly hair all over the place, glass of water in hand. His expression is a landslide. He stares at her- his mouth gapped (and he never gapes). Charlotte could barely feel her own face.  
  
“Charlotte-” Sidney said, interrupting himself to make way for a sharp exhale.  
“Sidney-”   
  
It’s a whisper. Charlotte couldn’t seem to get any tone into her voice as if it were a broken lighter. She ripped her gaze from his, but it didn’t really help. She could still picture him standing there half-naked (considering he was actually standing there half naked).

Diverting her eyes, Charlotte nailed them to the floor between them. She could see him moving in the corner of her eye, pulling his t-shirt over his head and putting it on. She cleared her throat, managing to get tone back into it, and forced her lips back together in a tight smile.  
  
“You’re Mary’s boyfriend,” Charlotte said tightly.  
  
It was quiet as Charlotte looked up at him. Sidney had finally closed his mouth and slowly the stiffness of his face softened into a burst of laughter.

“I’m sorry,” Sidney chuckled, “For a second I was going to go along with that but your face is just such a picture. Mary is like a sister to me. There is no way on earth I could be dating her.”  
“But your... your like... your shirt,” Charlotte fumbled.  
“I was in Mary’s room but it wasn’t with Mary,” Sidney said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head, “I was with... with someone-“  
“I get it,” Charlotte said sharply, cutting him off as she knew she didn’t want to hear him confirm what she already knew.  
“Cool,” Sidney said quickly, “and anyway, Mary is dating my brother. If I banged her it would make every family gathering awkward- Tom knows how to hold a grudge.”  
“I remember the things you told me about him when we were younger,” Charlotte said quietly.  
“Of course you do. You were alway a good listener,” Sidney said, looking down at the ground with a small smile. Clearing his throat, he looked up at Charlotte once again, “you’re her new tenant.”  
“New as of today,” Charlotte said.  
“Cool. I live next door with Stringer- James,” Sidney said, pausing for a second to take in Charlotte for a moment, “it’s really you.”  
  
Sidney’s mouth twitched (or maybe trembled), but there was an expression in his eyes. He recognised her in the way that the ways recognised the shore- without judgement or reservation. Charlotte’s smile widened without her meaning to. She couldn’t really understand why on earth she did it, but the warmth in her chest reminded her that it had been too long and she had missed him too much (and too often).

Sidney suddenly looked like she felt. Was it possible he still got her? How would he do that? Was he going through the exact same turn as she was right now?

Clearing his throat, Sidney gestured to the room but the pair could hardly bare to move- afraid that if they did, they would wake up from this dream.  
  
“I hope we didn’t-” Sidney started.  
“No, I just-” Charlotte said, stopping him quickly.  
“Good,” Sidney said somewhat uncomfortably. “What are the odds?” Charlotte said after pausing to think for a moment. She felt so helpless.  
  
He looked at Charlotte, and for a moment she could see it in his face too, like a mirror. He knew they were meant to be together- even after all this time. But was this moment a promise or a threat? The mere idea of even thinking they could somehow work again seemed like a curse in Charlotte’s mind.  
  
“Astronomical,” Sidney smiles tightly, “Well, I’d better-” Sidney begins, shooting Charlotte a bleak smile before putting his glass down on the counter and attempting to leave.  
“Sidney are you coming?” a female voice says as she rushes into the kitchen- barefoot wearing an oversized shirt. Pausing, the slim woman gave Charlotte a once over before stopping besides Sidney, “Oh. I’m interrupting something.”  
“Not at all,” Charlotte rushed to say, already sensing the change in the dynamics of the room, “I’m Charlotte, the new tenant.”  
“I’m Eliza,” the lady says, holding out her hand to shake Charlotte’s, “I’m Sidney’s good friend.”  
“Lovely to meet you,” Charlotte said, putting on a tight smile.

The trio stood awkwardly in the kitchen. Charlotte didn’t meant to read too much into it but the way Sidney and Eliza stood on one side of the counter and she on the other, made it clear that there was a great divide between them. The times she remembered fondly of him were gone like sand in an hourglass.

“Oh, good, you’ve met,” Mary said as she walked into the kitchen with an oversized jacket over her shoulders- darting her eyes between the trio.  
“Mary,” Charlotte said in barely a whisper, relieved to have someone interrupt them.  
“Have you all met? Gotten around to shaking hands yet? Sidney, Charlotte, Charlotte, Sidney. Charlotte, Eliza, Eliza Charlotte,” Mary said as she rummaged through a kitchen draw.  
Sidney pressed his lips together and gave Charlotte a straight look, before turning to Mary, “Yeah, so, turns out we actually already know each other.”  
“No way! How?” Mary said with a smile.

Mary slammed the draw shut and rested her hand on her hip- giving them both her full attention. Charlotte glanced at Sidney in the hope of some guidance, but he only seemed to have attention for Mary at this moment.

“We lived at the same backwater town for a while,” Sidney said nonchalantly, now avoiding eye contact with Charlotte as a whole.  
“Willingden? I didn’t know you’d lived there.” Mary said, watching him like a hawk as Eliza put her arms around his waist.  
“It was a temporary thing, when I stayed with my uncle for that summer,” Sidney said.  
Mary’s eyes flicked to Charlotte, “But you were friendly?”  
“Yeah, Charlotte was definitely one of the people I could stand to be around,” Sidney said with a small chuckle, feeling Eliza’s hands tighten.  
“I liked Sidney too,” Charlotte mustered up.  
“But Charlotte likes everyone,” Sidney joked.

Charlotte bit her lip and smiled firmly as Mary returned to look through the draws for something. Sidney glanced back to her and dragged his hand through his hair as Eliza whispered something in his ear before retreating to Mary’s room.

The silence was probably no longer than a few seconds, but it felt deafening. Everlasting.

“Well, I-” Charlotte says, reaching for the untouched glass Sidney left on the counter,” I just came to get water. I’m beat.”  
“Yeah, of course, long day.” Mary said, her tone apologetic as if it were her fault, “Sleep well. I’m off for a night out on the town with Tom- he just conjured up the kernel of an idea whilst we were smoking on the roof. You going to stay here Sidney? As alway my room is free- I know how much you loathe returning to your place when there’s a party on.”  
“Thanks Mary,” Sidney says, his eyes locked on Charlotte’s as Mary pulls a set of keys of from the draws and then plants a kiss on Sidney’s cheek before rushing out the door.

Charlotte just smiles before walking slowly out the kitchen. Her feet felt particularly heavy that evening. She was almost at the corridor when Sidney’s voice stopped her.

“Charlotte,” He says loud and clear.

Charlotte had to check her expression before she turned back to look at him. He bends over and picks up her phone before talking a step closer and handing it to her. Charlotte had to remind herself to breathe as she felt his fingertips against her burning skin.

“Thanks.”  
  
She turned and hurried back to her room. As she shut the door, the ground seemed to open and Charlotte wanted to fall straight into it.

In a fit of desperation she considers calling Alison, but let it go: she’s wasn’t ready for any response Alison could provide (knowing it probably wouldn’t be favourable) and it was late. Not that that would matter. Charlotte didn’t sleep that night- not well anyway.

That first night in her new place ended up being a long one. 


	5. Let It Be

_**7th June 2008** _

How was any of this possible?

Sidney decided to pretend that it wasn’t real... it couldn’t be real. That was how he got from the kitchen to the bathroom, and back to Mary’s bedroom.

Eliza fell asleep with her back to him- nestling into his bare chest and oblivious to the thoughts reeling in his head. Sidney stared into the dark room. Charlotte had definitely heard them… him.

Oh god.

In an instant, that moment mingled with every time he had been close to Charlotte during that summer. He’d never have sex in this room again without a thought down the corridor to Charlotte’s room.

He knew that room well, and the previous tenant who inhabited it. Sam. He was a smoker too (a bad habit Sidney had picked up in sixth form and never managed to break) and they used the fire escape for that purpose frequently.

What were the odds of all the places and all the rooms, she would end up here?

It was dark magic. It had to be. Sidney didn’t really believe in god but was forced to consider the possibility of a malignant trickster variety being out to get him at this point- there was no other thought that made sense to him at 2 am.

For the rest of the night, those thoughts wrapped around him like a blanket in winter. The unlikelihood of this entire situation. Denial. Longing.

Sidney stared at the walls as the memories of summer all those years ago rushed back into his mind. As he saw each moment- like a film reel playing on the shadowed walls, he mentally drew picture frames around his favourite memories. He hoped to hold onto them for a moment longer- even if it felt wrong to do so whilst he lay next to another woman.

He woke up that next morning having just closed his eyes. His thoughts and feelings were lodged in him mid-sentence as Eliza got up and got ready to leave. Pecking him on the cheek once her clothes from last night were slipped back on, Eliza left the flat without a care for any of the other sleeping lodgers- slamming the front door loudly behind her. Sidney didn’t care though because once she was gone, he rolled over and looked at the ceiling. The roof, of the building he’s meant to share with Charlotte Heywood from now on. 

He hadn’t said her name out loud in two years since it seemed to summon her to the forefront of his mind, and days would pass before he could shake her again. He and his uncle Roger Lambe (the only other person who knew the real story about Charlotte and him) had sort of a don’t ask, don’t tell-policy regarding her whenever they spoke on the phone but sometimes things spilled over the lime. Especially when Susan was around Roger’s coffee shop (the one he owned and lived beside in Willingden near the Heywood family home). Susan was only too happy to share her granddaughter’s success as well as the stuff that just amused her.

Sidney had heard her name and knew the way he felt every time it rung like a sweet melody in his ear. He had convinced himself not to speak it. But now… he shaped it with his lips and clenched his jaw around it. It was enough to make his heart pick up its pace. It was enough to leave him feeling almost breathless.

There’s no point denying what he felt- what he’s always felt. The strength of it was still humbling- reminding him that love was strong enough to make any man a slave to emotion. But he could make these emotions into something different if he tried hard enough. He had to. If Sidney told himself he only loved the idea of Charlotte and the changes Charlotte inspired in his life, then he would be able to change his feelings eventually. That was what he told himself in someone else's voice, anyway.

Hearing a sharp noise from the kitchen, Sidney slipped on a hoodie and stepped out of the room to see what was happening. There had been many times a party had run over too late and the flat would be full of people lying on the floor or sofa or on kitchen counters. On this occasion though, as he made his way to the kitchen, Sidney noticed that not a single thing seemed out the norm- no random people, no mess, no piece of furniture out of place.

Rubbing his head as he stepped into the kitchen, Sidney found Charlotte standing near the cooker- clearly annoyed. She was rummaging around the space erratically and for a moment he just leaned against the doorway because Sidney didn’t want to disrupt her disorder.

“Too early for this, too little sleep,” Charlotte muttered, slamming a hand onto the marble worktop.  
“Hey,” Sidney said softly, stepping over the threshold.  
Charlotte almost jumped at his voice, before turning around to look at Sidney- feeling both irritated and vulnerable. Clearing her throat, she whispered a nervous, “Hi.”

The two of them stood there and stared at each other for a moment- all of Sidney’s momentum seemingly out the window. The flat was eerily quiet and only seemed to make the two of them feel more awkward. They were both unsure of where the line in the sand was drawn for them. Was there a position to take on seeing the love of your life from that epic summer three years ago after they had been in love with someone else?

“This is so weird,” Charlotte mumbled.  
“Yup,” Sidney replied breathlessly, before clearing his throat, “Looking for something?”  
Charlotte sighed sharply, with a tiny, strange note in her voice, “Coffee, filters, my so-called life.”  
Not even giving himself a chance to think Sidney rushed to say, “Let’s go out for breakfast. There’s a place across the road.”  
“Out?” Charlotte said, startled by his forwardness, “the two of us?”  
Sidney paused to think for a second, finally realising what had spilled from his tongue and was too afraid to take it back now, “yes us. We were friends one. We can do it again.”

Charlotte straightened her back as she pondered over his idea for a moment. Only one thing swirled around her head- What was the worst that could happen?

Nodding her head and smiling softly, Charlotte said, “Okay. But please cover up or you’ll distract everyone.”  
Looking down at his open hoodie, Sidney laughed slightly before doing up his zip and covering his bare chest, “so I distract you now?”  
“Let me grab my jacket and then we’ll go,” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes and moving quickly out of the kitchen. He certainly did distract her but it wasn’t just his bare chest- not that she was going to let him know that.

They two of them headed down the stairs and towards the cafe in an awkward silence. Sidney wanted to look at Charlotte, keep her in his line of sight, and constantly confirm that he hadn’t in fact lost his mind. Stuffing his hands in the pockets of his joggers, he kept glancing at Charlotte, which made his steps uneven and scattered. At one point, after noticing just how badly he was walking, Charlotte looked at him with those piercing brown eyes of hers- frowning at him in confusion. Sidney bit his tongue.

Get it together. He told himself.

“This way,” Sidney said, holding the door of the cafe open as they stepped across the pavement and reached it.

Stepping in, Charlotte instantly smiled as she slipped off her jacket and looked around. The place was going for shameless, retro, Americana and Charlotte loved it. There was a long counter stretching from one end of the room to the other, bending itself around the kitchen. The edges of the room were diced up into booths with just a few stray tables. The waitress and cook were wearing similar silly hats in white and petrol.

The place was extremely full of people for 8am on a Saturday morning- clearly of other people who were not able to locate their own coffee filters (or so Charlotte imagined), but the last booth, closest to the opening of the counter, became available as soon as they entered.

More black magic, maybe his own this time, Sidney thought as they quickly slid into the booth- he always had a way with diners. And it was a good thing because Sidney noticed how Charlotte was suddenly in a much better mood. If he remembered her correctly, it was most likely from the mere proximity to food - she alway enjoyed eating out. Sidney didn’t bother to pick up a menu but watched as Charlotte drove right - chatting incessantly and asking questions about the variety of different dishes. 

“I’m the wrong person to ask,” Sidney said, playing with a sugar sachet on the table.  
“You picked the place,” Charlotte said, looking up at him curiously.  
“I’m not a breakfast person. I just come here for the coffee. And a donut sometimes, those are good,” Sidney said with a smile.

Charlotte frowned at him and decided to just order coffee, eggs and a donut from the waitress when she came around to them (you could never go wrong with those options). There was a digital jukebox in a corner playing Twist and Shout and between that and the chatter of the other people, Charlotte and Sidney sat quietly in the noise.

Sidney tried not to look at her too much, but he could see that Charlotte was chewing on her lip. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was from anticipation of the food most likely, or maybe she was nervous too (she alway used to bit her lip when she was nervous).

The waitress brought the coffee, and Charlotte hid behind her cup while Sidney stirred endless packets of sugar into his black cup. It took him a moment to get there but Sidney finally got himself together through sheer force of will and decided to finally address the elephant in the room.

He leant over the table- a trick he’d learnt from Mary. She did it whenever she wanted to get people to open up, and it almost always worked (people tend to be eager to mirror you, even if they’re not aware of it).

“I figured it’s good if we get a chance to talk,” Sidney said calmly.  
Charlotte sighed into her cup, then lowered it before speaking, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Charlotte looked at him, expecting Sidney to take the lead. Sidney thought he already had-take them here, starting this topic, so he wasn’t quite sure how to continue after Charlotte returned to silently sipping on her coffee cup. Sidney mirrored her and sipped his coffee to gain time. Fortunately, this was just enough time for Charlotte to start talking instead.

“So, how long have you been together with Eliza?” Charlotte asked, looking at the table as she did. She wanted to know- but she also really didn’t.  
“Almost a year,” Sidney said nonchalantly.  
“And how did you two meet?” Charlotte continued, unable to tear her interest away from his love life.  
“Through Crowe- you remember him right, he visited me in Willigden on occasion. He edited an anthology for us,” Sidney paused as he thought about how easy it was to talk about Eliza. She was interesting (far more than he was), and it helped that he didn’t have to talk about himself, “We were co-workers, then friends, then-” He couldn’t finish the sentence. Sidney was really just a delicate flower when it came to Charlotte.   
“Do you live together?” Charlotte asked him.  
“In a way,” Sidney said, shrugging his shoulders, “It’s sort of a trial-run,” Sidney continues, “I had business in town, we always do, it helps that I’m here, and-”

Sidney stopped. He hadn’t really discussed the actual standing of his relationship with anyone other than his uncle Roger. And he also hadn’t told anyone other than in passing about himself.

“What?” Charlotte asked.  
Sidney stared at his coffee before speaking slowly and deliberately, “I’m getting my next book published in two months. I’ll be touring this one properly since the pre-orders look good. London, Paris, New York.”

As soon as he see the look on Charlotte’s face, Sidney turned his eyes to the red top table. His finger ran rings around the rim of his mug. He couldn’t stand the look on her face for more than a short glance. She was so… happy, over something he was doing... for himself.

It made him think maybe it’s not all for himself. Is everything he does an offering to her?

“I’m-” Charlotte begins, her voice full of excitement, “I’m so happy for you. That’s so great, Sidney.”

He forced his eyes to Charlotte’s face and let her look of endearment wash over him. They both looked at each other and without even thinking, they spent a moment in that place of theirs- the one that only held the two of them.

Charlotte’s food arrived and she downed half of her eggs in a few decisive bites, while Sidney looked out the window and followed the passersby’s with his eyes so he didn’t slip too badly and say something that he knew he shouldn’t have.

After a little while, Charlotte continued talking and Sidney was allowed to look at her again.

“And, a trial-run- Practise for permanently living together?” Charlotte asked.  
“It’s what all the cool kids are doing,” Sidney said, rubbing his stubble as he suddenly felt overexposed and like he needed to defend himself, “It’s not just dating,” It’s a statement with just a hint of soft question which he can’t dwell on, “I don’t think I have it in me to just date casually any more,” Sidney said truthfully.  
Charlotte nods in agreement (a little more tightly than usual Sidney thinks to himself), before casually saying, “In or out.”  
“Possibly,” Sidney said, fidgeting in his seat.  
“How long have you lived here?” Charlotte asked, sipping on her coffee.  
“Not long, ‘bout a month and a half,” Sidney said, looking out the window again as he fought the desire to share more with her- fought the desire to explain what had happened all those years ago. He clears his throat and changes the subject, “So, how’ve you been?”  
“Busy,” Charlotte answered lightly.  
“You broke up with Porsche-guy?” Sidney asked, curious to turn the tables on her.  
Charlotte hid behind her cup again from embarrassment and quietly said, “He dumped me, actually.”  
Sidney couldn’t stop himself. He reached over the table and pulled the cup from her face and made eye contact, before he said, “That’s not how I heard it.”  
Charlotte’s jaw dropped and for a moment she wasn’t sure how to proceed. Eventually she said, “What did you hear?”  
“He proposed. You said no thanks,” Sidney said, a small smile on his face.  
Charlotte smirked, “Pretty happy about that, huh?”  
Sidney averted his eyes to his cup - knowing he had to look away before she saw his blushing cheeks. Leaning back into his seat, Sidney mumbled, “I won’t lie, yes.”  
Charlotte chuckled, “What other gossip is Roger passing on?”  
“That was your sister actually,” Sidney said, rushing to defend his uncle’s reputation, “She told me about your grandfather too.”  
Charlotte stopped smiling, and cleared her throat, “Yeah, well.”  
“That why you’re here?” Sidney asked.  
“Partly,” Charlotte said hesitantly, taking a gulp of coffee. “Alison and grandma, they argue to handle stuff like this, it’s just the way it is, but without me around it escalates.”  
“And the other part?” Sidney asked eagerly.

There’s the briefest of pauses, then a big smile from Charlotte and that chin out thing she does when she was begging for a good bickering.

“You know I’ve always had a soft spot for the sea,” Charlotte said with a smile, “and it’s cheaper than Brighton here.”  
Sidney laughed (Charlotte looking rather pleased with herself), and said, “You forget that we also never have gales here.”  
“Oh yes! Gales are not permitted in Sanditon,” Charlotte giggles before leaning forward, “But seriously, can you believe that you and I are like neighbours now? How did that happen?”  
Sidney shrugged, deciding to press down the negative thoughts in his mind and chose to be kind, “Fate.”  
She smiled broadly, “Must be,” Charlotte said, shaking her head, “Yesterday was awkward like nothing else, but- right now this doesn’t seem like such a bad thing,” Charlotte extended her right hand theatrically, “What do you say? Friends?”

That stupid word, Sidney thought . It chafes from being too small and too big at the same time. But he didn’t really have a choice and as much as he’d of rather not had her at all than have her in jagged pieces that would cut him if he got too close, he had to make do with the situation they were now in. He reached for her hand, and grabbed it firmly- still reeling from the fact that it was really there. Wild.

“It’s what we’ve always been as far as I’m concerned,” Sidney said.

It wasn’t a lie. They’re kindred. It wasn’t Charlotte’s fault he was crazy about her. And the good she’d done for him, Charlotte didn’t even know the half of it. If it wasn’t for her and all those letters he wrote but never actually sent to Charlotte, Sidney would of never started writing. Without the writing he never would’ve found Sanditon, or Eliza for that matter. Heck, he didn’t even sign up to get his book deal without hearing Charlotte’s voice in his head. She didn’t deserve his bitterness, hostility, or to drag around responsibility for his relentless longing. She deserved his friendship and his support.

The waitress refilled their cups, and Sidney took a slow breaths, while Charlotte stirred her cup cheerily- a little bouncy as she hummed to the rhythm of the Beatles playing on the jukebox.

”So, what have you read lately?” Charlotte asked keenly.  
Sidney snorted, “Lately?”  
”Since the last time we met,” Charlotte said, picking up her cutlery and cutting her donut in half and placing one bit on a napkin. “Actually no- since the last time we had time to discuss that kind of stuff.”  
Sidney smiled, “I don’t keep a log.”  
”But you remember, don’t you?” Charlotte said, pushing the napkin with the half a donut over to him like an awkward bribe.  
”Maybe,” Sidney said.  
”Well, in any case, I keep a log,” Charlotte said, taking a bite of her half.  
”Naturally.”  
”I could look into it,” she said, her mouth full of sweet donut as sugar rested on her lips, “see if we can catch up?”  
Sidney chuckled a bit before answering but it felt more like a breath than a laugh, “You carry it with you?”  
“I don’t actually, I probably should,” Charlotte said.  
“This is a little embarrassing for you isn’t it,” Sidney said, raising his eyebrows and pressing his lips together.  
Charlotte giggled, sending a crumb flying, “Well, it’s too long anyway. We’ll have to get through it bit by bit.”  
“We have time,” Sidney said.  
“We do, don’t we?” Charlotte said with a smile before she licked the sugar from her lips.

After breakfast Charlotte headed to meet some guy about a prospective job and Sidney decided to walk to the park- he didn’t have to go to his meeting until later.

Sat there on a bench by the arch, Sidney took up his half a donut and ate it. So, it’s fine. Charlotte lived in the flat next door, big deal, he’d deal with it. They could easily have fun together- they always has had done. Just because they’d argued like crazy at times didn’t mean that was their default. It’ll be fine. 

But Eliza. What was he going to tell her? It was probably better if she didn’t know, but things could get pretty complicated if he had to manage his history with Charlotte and keeping secrets hadn’t worked in his favor so far.

He should tell her. He was going to tell her.

Sidney’s meeting went fairly quickly. It was a publishing agent who was going to be arranging a release party and needed his help in inviting some people from houses and independent press. But it wasn’t going to be until mid-July. When they were done, Sidney walked back to his flat (hoping Stringer had already been up and cleaning), thoughts churning.

His impulse was still to call uncle Roger, even while realising the absurdity of it. Roger hadn’t been in that many relationships, and since he’d finally landed one that mattered, he had likely forgotten everything that had happened in the past. The risk of getting some outlandish advice to either tell all or nothing seemed likely and destined to be faulty. Sidney called Babington instead. He was the only one who’d been in relationships, plural, as opposed to Crowe’s serial dating. 

Walking around the park to call his nerves, Sidney dragged out the conversation as long as he could. The pull of the possibility to just leave it be was strong, but Babington was too efficient to allow for much stalling.

“What’s up?” Babington asked after the third pause.  
“I have a bit of an issue,” Sidney said, switching his hands on the phone.

He was nervous talking about this so directly. These types of conversations were usually reserved to nights out drinking, but Sidney needed advice on it right away, before too much time passed and everything just fell into ruin.

“Remember Charlotte?” Sidney said.  
“Charlotte Heywood, the great and terrible beauty, first love extraordinaire? How could I not?” Babington said, then interrupted himself. “Wait why? What have you done?”

This was a mistake.

“Nothing, just turns out she’s Mary’s new tenant,” Sidney said.  
“Wait Charlotte from the party yesterday was the Charlotte?” Babington said, his voice straining through the shock, “this doesn’t sound like nothing.”  
“It’s not like I invited her, it was pure business between Mary and Charlotte. A mere rental agreement forming the strings of their relationship,” Sidney sighed, “The question is, what do I tell Eliza?”   
“What do you mean what do you tell her?” Babington said, urgency in his voice, “What are you doing? You should know exactly what to do.”  
“Excuse me for not having your extensive experience,” Sidney said with a groan, “I’ve never had a relationship like this,” Sidney swallowed his irritation, “What do I do?”  
“You tell her nothing, alright? You tell her you dated. That’s it. Ancient history. Are you gonna hurt a girl just ‘cause you have feelings for your ex? Everybody does,” Babington said, his voice on the line sounding flaky like he was gesturing with the phone in hand, “You don’t bring it up, life goes on.”

Truth by silence, omitting things. Babington was still talking as Sidney withdrew. He understood where Babington was coming from but there was something that just wasn’t sitting right with him.

“Don’t pour old shit into a new relationship, you know, just make new shit instead,”  
Babington snickered slightly.

He was on a roll, and would keep going for a long time if he wasn’t stopped. He rarely knew when to shut up.

“Got it,” Sidney said curtly, and the other end fell silent.  
“Well then, glad to be of service,” Babington said proudly (completely ignoring Sidney’s Curt was).

Sidney hung up before anything else was said and considered the bitter idea of half-measures and grey areas and Charlotte Heywood. It was so different from what he imagined for them when he was younger. He was angry with her two years ago when she was living beneath her own level, but he had picked up on a few things since then, and could see the use of maybe not going above and beyond all the time- it just led to him crashing after she last left.

If he wanted to maintain this life of his, he needed to pace himself. 

So, Sidney didn’t hurry home. He walked around the park for a while before heading back- even stopping to pick up lunch on his way home.

Eliza was back and at his place, in the middle of reading, as he entered the very clean flat. Eliza was happy for the interruption as well as the food (he had bought her favourite, Lebanese, perhaps in an act of preclusion). Sidney put on some music in the background- more to sort of drown himself out more than anything. He watched Eliza for a few minutes between bites.

He had to tell her.

“Listen, I should probably clear something up,” Sidney started, and Eliza looked up at him with those green eyes of her, still chewing, “Charlotte and I dated a few years back.” 

The words seemed to tumble out of his mouth, but maybe it was just because of the silence that followed them. Eliza was looking at him, head slightly tilted, and just stared at him. Sidney wasn’t quite sure whether to say something or to let the news just sink in.

“Oh,” Eliza said. It was all she could manage.  
He couldn’t look away as he spoke up once again, “I just wanted to be honest with you.”  
“Is she Cecilia?” Eliza asked with the slightest of smiles.  
Sidney exhaled sharply, weirdly relieved that that was all she wanted to know, but it still bothered him that she (and all his friends) hung onto that idea, “Jeez, Cecilia is a fictional character.”   
Eliza’s eyes narrowed and she exhaled sharply, “Fine. Is she the girl from the night we met? The one who broke your heart and made you end up in my bed?”  
Sidney bit his lip, and took a second to think on Babington’s advice before saying, “Yes, but I don’t- It goes without saying that, I don’t feel like that anymore.” 

Technically this wasn’t a lie. It seemed important that he walked the line on that, even if it was more complicated. Eliza finally looked away, and when her eyes found him again they were softer- somehow more understanding. She opened her mouth to speak but shut it again- hesitant to get it right.

“Do you… wanna talk about it?” Eliza asked.

Their limitations as a couple were plain. They’d maintained space around their defenses, their neurosises, and now they had to live in it. Sidney didn’t usually think about it like that, because he knew Eliza, the stuff she shared with everyone and the details she’s shared in tender moments. He’d assembled a pretty decent idea of who she was. She hadn’t had the same advantage with him. 

Sidney shook his head, distracted by his thoughts, “I’m fine.”  
“It’d be okay if you needed to,” Eliza said.

She took his hand in an attempt to show him comfort but the gesture seemed misplaced. They didn’t do the touchy-feely stuff- she even less than him. Maybe she was worried. 

“Are you okay with her living next door?” Sidney asked.  
“Are you okay with her living next door?” Eliza repeated.

What a question, Sidney thought. It was completely reasonable, but okay didn’t even begin to cover it, in any direction. He finally knew what he needed to do- to say, though, without having to call a friend.

“I’m good. Me and Charlotte have been friendly for a while, we were actually friendly when you and I met, I was just in a bad place that night,” Sidney said calmly, smiling at Eliza and squeezing her hand back, “And by a bad place I mean drunk, and possibly trying to get you off my back.”

Eliza smiled broadly, shook her head and pulled her hand from his. She didn’t him that well but she knew enough to know when to not push Sidney and be content with the information he was giving her. He would share eventually- he alway did. She took a bite of her kibbeh, chewed and swallowed, before looking back at him.

“You sure?”  
“I’m sure.”  



	6. Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You

_**8 th June 2008 ** _

_It was summer when I slept, and winter now I’ve woken_ , was the first thought Charlotte had when she woke up. _This is good_ , was her second. She woke up, and thought this was good. For one thing she had slept alright- not just tossed and turned all night. This was possibly more from exhaustion but that was beside the point.

The room was bright and the light reflected harshly from the unadorned walls. She was going to have to decorate soon, Charlotte thought. Especially as she had plans to stay around for a while. Charlotte listened for the new sounds of the place; the traffic; faint music from one, maybe two, rooms; a voice, maybe several voices, from somewhere; the pipes rushing with water; the floor creaking with steps. She had missed those familiar sounds so much.

Throwing her duvet back eventually, Charlotte made her way into the kitchen a while later. She was kind of slow. She was very careful. It wasn’t on purpose but Charlotte knew at the back of her mind how frequently Sidney roamed in and out of this flat to see his brother (who technically lived in the room right next to hers) and she didn’t want to risk bumping into him. She needed to take a minute to breathe, if she was going to hold up her end of their friendship.

By the time Charlotte stepped barefoot into the corridor, the place was quiet and she assumed her flatmates were out- recalling Tom and Esther had both mentioned they had some Sunday brunch to attend at Denham Place and assumed that Mary would accompany them as she knew the crowd. Charlotte knew exactly why she didn’t want to see anyone that morning. Everything suddenly felt like it was all just too much too soon, and Charlotte didn’t want to run away- she wasn’t much of a runner anyway. She was more of a hider.

Pulling back her curly brown hair, Charlotte noticed that not everyone had joined the late morning excursion; there was the familiar sound of the coffee maker from the kitchen. 

Carefully tip toeing towards the kitchen, Charlotte could clearly see Mary in an oversized flannel shirt, perched on a kitchen chair from the doorway. Mary’s bare legs were folded under herself in some intricate mess, blonde hair messily tied up and newspaper in hand.

For no apparent reason, Charlotte’s heart picked up its pace- thumping loudly like a drum under her chest. Charlotte thought of turning swiftly on her toes and returning to her room but it was too late. Mary had looked up and smiled that warm smile at her. Mirroring her, Charlotte stepped over the threshold and slowly walked towards the kitchen chairs.

“Good morning,” Charlotte said softly, wrapping her arms around herself and dropping her shoulders as if she were trying to make herself smaller.  
“Morning is the only passable part of a Sunday,” Mary responded before nodding at the coffee pot, “It’s done if you want some.”  
“You bet,” Charlotte muttered, rolling her eyes at the ground as the past few days began to roll into one in her head.  
  
Mary returned her attention to the newspaper spread out in front of her. Charlotte dived into the task of pouring coffee with great concentration. She considered taking the cup back to her room but decided against it- feeling almost rude for wanting her own space. Instead she tentatively extracted a chair from the table and sat down in front of Mary. She sipped her coffee and attempted to read upside down- not really too awake that morning. She must turned her head a tad too much though because she jerked at the rustle of Mary handing her another section of the paper (all too aware of a very shy and nervous Charlotte sitting there). Charlotte accepted it and Mary smiled, kind of crookedly, at her. Charlotte read a couple of pieces and refilled her cup of coffee up again (she needed as much as she could get) before Mary broke the silence.

“Sidney told me you dated,” Mary said nonchalantly.

Charlotte was dumbfounded. She knew that Sidney and Mary were close (practically family) but despite having known she should have expected this conversation at some point (Sidney always did like to seek council from familial figures), Charlotte still felt like she had been caught off guard. She looked awkwardly over her own shoulder and would have rather swallowed her own tongue than share her thoughts on Sidney with someone so close with him. Someone who could report back and ruin the fragile strings of communion that hung between their hearts. Worst off, Charlotte couldn’t shake the thought that maybe… just maybe, Sidney would walk into this very room at any moment and be privy to her conversation.

As if reading her mind, Mary said, “He’s not here- in this flat, the one next door or even the building. He left with the others for brunch and I’m not one to gossip Charlotte. I just like to lend a friendly ear when I see a friend in need.”  
“Sorry,” Charlotte managed to say without having any idea if that word was appropriate.  
“No, don’t apologise,” Mary said warmly, “You haven’t done anything wrong.”  
“I just-” Charlotte began, and found that as soon as she knew what to say, she couldn’t say it fast enough, “I wanted to tell you because I didn’t want this to affect our living arrangements because I could see how close you two are and then there was your relationship with Tom to consider. I also didn’t want to say anything to you before he got to speak with his girlfriend. I figured that he should be the one to tell her first-”  
Mary interrupted her, a chuckle in her voice, “It’s okay. This kind of stuff can be awkward enough for the people actually involved.”  
“It was a long time ago,” Charlotte breathed.  
“But it was a big deal?” Mary said, raising an eyebrow.  
“Well, yeah. I thought he was going to take the stars from my eyes and make a map,” Charlotte said, staring at her coffee before forcing a little laugh, “But it always feels like that when you’re young, right? When really, it’s just a summer thing.”   
“I guess. For people in general that is,” Mary said, smiling as she tried to ease the faint scent of sadness in the air, “I can’t say I relate- boys were just props for me back then.”  
  
Having spent a lot of yesterday reading some of the books Mary had written- self-help guides and lifestyle kind of stuff, Charlotte knew that those relationships weren’t a confidence thing. Mary wasn’t always the queen Bee like she appeared. Mary had spent a lot of her youth finding comfort in others so that she didn’t have to remind herself of how terrible she actually had it. Yes there was the endless supply of cash and access to the best parties and rooms, but with a dead mother and a father who abandoned her, Mary had a huge hole in her life. Charlotte though about expanding on her own relationship- noting that Mary’s kind eyes were curious, but she also knew that Mary had added the throw away sentence as a kind offer to exit the topic. Charlotte took it gratefully, before she could say something entirely stupid.

“And now?” Charlotte asked, and it was the first realised that she probably doesn’t want to know the answer (did she really want to be surrounded by people who were sick in love and she knew about it whilst being lonely?)  
Mary smiled, ruffled her own hair with a sort of distant gaze before answering, “Anne- a dear friend of mine from boarding school, taught me I was worth something, and it was actually Sidney who taught me how to value someone else,” Mary chuckled, “I never needed to pursue anyone before you see but Tom took a little work- he’s a special type of person.”  
Charlotte smiled helplessly, “I remember that feeling,” she said, “going after a guy actively.”  
“Was that Sidney?” Mary asked interestedly.  
“No- yes- in a way-” Charlotte said, rolling the edge of the paper up and down again as she spoke, “-it was a complicated, mutual thing.”  
“Complicated, huh?” Mary said.  
“It always is when you’re young, right?” Charlotte joked.  
Mary folded up her paper and pushed it across the table for Charlotte, “I’m just… done with any drama,” Mary said, “I don’t pursue it or stir it up, you should know that about me.”  
Charlotte nodded, “Thank you Mary. I promise this won’t affect our living arrangement. Sidney and I are friends. Just friends.”  
“Either way, I know about it now,” Mary said, “So I can keep an eye on the situation- for the both of you. I don’t want any of this mess spilling out into the rest of our lives- I’ve told Sidney the same thing.”  
“Of course. It’s all history and we’re adults. Thanks for telling me Mary,” Charlotte said, stopping herself from saying anything else before she said something wrong.  
  
Mary got up and rinsed off her cup in the sink. Charlotte stared at the text in the paper, upside down, just for something to do. Mary had spoken so softly to her but suddenly, once the silence had settle in and the thoughts had run in her head, Charlotte felt like she was a naught school girl who had been called into the head teacher’s office. Mary stopped in the door and turned to speak lightly, but deliberately.

“Should I be worried? For either of you?” Mary asked.  
“No!” Charlotte said instantly. It felt rushed, even to her, but Mary smiled.  
“Well then. See ya later kid,” Mary said.  
  
Charlotte looked at the door for a few seconds after Mary had left. She looked back at the paper. This was apparently how adults behaved- taking each other on words instead of vague implications. And maybe that was a good thing- everyone had to start somewhere after all and why not aim for what you mean to do and act as if you’re really going to do it, Charlotte thought. This was good, she thought.

Finishing off her coffee, Charlotte headed to the diner for a slow and late breakfast a while later. She needed to be inside four walls that were not her current home and a girl’s gotta eat. Sitting in the diner (the same booth she sat in last time), Charlotte put off going back for reasons unclear to her. Instead she scoured the shops on the small high street near her new home and played for time.

Charlotte winded up standing with the phone in her hand, gazing blankly at it for a few moments outside one of the shops. Some paint had chipped off from where it landed on the kitchen floor the other night and the mark pulled her into the memory of it. She needed to shake her head to get out of it.

Needing a distraction, Charlotte decided to call the only person she knew would be able to talk her ear off about anything- just not her current home. She called Alison.

“Hey sis! You all settled?” Alison said, answering after just two rings.  
“No way. I’m going to finish unpacking later today,” Charlotte said, “I just wanted to hear a familiar voice before I got to it.”  
“Missing me already. I knew you’d struggle without me,” Alison joked, “How was the party?”  
“Interesting,” Charlotte said, taking a quick breath, “I met Mary’s boyfriend and his little brother. You’ll never guess who,” Charlotte finished, her tone was chipper on purpose.  
There was a pause that drags on too long before Alison could be heard exhaling loudly, “You’re right, I won’t, so spill!” Alison urged.  
“Sidney,” Charlotte said.  
  
Charlotte tried her best to sound like it didn’t bother her (when even she knew that it did). There was a deafening silence on the line which made Charlotte even more nervous. When the issue was just hers- and his voice was only the one that spoke in her head, Charlotte could deny and control the situation. Yes her heart fluttered when she saw him. Yes her mind went to places it shouldn’t have. And yes, she would have cancelled all her plans and dropped everything just to be with him but she was an adult now. She would learn to control her emotions and she wouldn’t ruin someone else’s happiness by trying to pursue her own. There was a reason things ended the way they had done all those years ago. A reason he was there one night and gone the next morning. Hearing Alison’s silence, Charlotte realised perhaps calling hadn’t been a good idea.  
  
“Excuse me? Sidney? Parker?” Alison said.  
“We don’t know anyone else by that name now do we?” Charlotte said as lightly as she could.  
Alison made a noise on the other end indicating she’s not having it, “You don’t get to take that tone on this lady! Do you realise the odds for this just randomly happening?”  
“Astronomical,” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes as she peered through a shop window and looked at some blue shoes which had caught her eyes. She shook her head as she rid the instant thought she had about Sidney and the way he had said the word to her just yesterday.  
Alison chuckled, “How did I miss this? I didn’t even know he left London-”  
“He probably hasn’t told anyone, he didn’t know if it would become permanent.”  
“But wait! So he really lives there too? In the apartment?”  
“Technically he lives next door but he’s at the flat so often he might as well move in,” Charlotte said.  
“I can’t believe this-” Alison said, falling silent before a thought clicked in her head, “You’re living with Sidney Parker.”   
Charlotte started talking immediately (before she was ready), “We’re neighbours, it’s temporary, and as previously stated he’s dating someone else. Someone who, annoyingly, seems nice and is pretty and they seem happy- I got some pretty definite proof of that last night-” Why would she say that?  
“Oh my god! What proof?” Alison said with more excitement than she should have.  
“Auditory,” Charlotte mumbled, having put herself in this situation.  
“Jeez! I’m sorry Char,” Alison said.  
Charlotte cleared her throat, “What are you sorry for? I’m fine.”  
“Then what are you calling your sister for?” Alison said.  
“Maybe I’m calling my best friend to gossip,” Charlotte shot back, mentally noting how useful it was to always be able to flip that switch.  
“So, you’re okay with this?” Alison said, somewhat sceptical.  
“Completely, in fact, we went for this breakfast and had a great conversation, it’ll be great, and his girlfriend knows about everything and is great with it,” Charlotte said, quickly and with one breath.  
“Oh really?” Alison said with a flat voice, “Knows about everything? And you used great too many times.”  
“Okay, so maybe it’s a bit awkward, but that’s exactly why this is a good thing. We have to be able to hang out and he’s definitely a part of our lives now, right?” Charlotte said, deflecting like a master.  
“Of course,” Alison sighed on the other end, “Fine, good, well I’m happy if you are.”  
“I am,” Charlotte said more firmly than was necessary.  
“Uhm, okay, so… will I see you next weekend?” Alison asked, “Grandma’s making chicken.”  
“I promised you I would. Now I just have to finish unpacking, and see a guy about a job,” Charlotte said.  
  
After she hung up, Charlotte headed back to the flat and went straight to her room. She sat in her armchair, while the conversation ran off of her and she had the chance to go back to her normal self. Eventually she willed herself to get up and open a box. There was a wardrobe and a bureau into which she emptied her clothes, and Charlotte unpacked the rest of her books (which spilled into stacks on the floor because there were just too many). A good portion of her books had never left Willingden, and the minority of them that got to follow her to Oxford had been in boxes at Susan’s for the last year while she’s been on the road. 

For a moment Charlotte missed her room in Willingden so much that it hurts. Not the one in Grandma Susan’s house but the one in her parents’ home on the farm. The one with that window that looked out onto greener pastures and formed great lands of myth in her mind. That room felt like a million years ago now and to Charlotte it felt like it held a special part of her – a part she had left behind a long time ago. She reached into her box and pulled out the last few books. Her worn copy of The Great Gatsby was there and she smiled knowing who had given it to her.

Charlotte then found her copy of August and her heart skipped a beat. She was so dam proud of him that it was actually kind of hard to handle, and the recollection of him showing up to deliver her copy in person along with a spoken version of I’ve Had the Time of My Life even more so. She shook her head and smiled with trembling lips. It was still one of her most beautiful memories. 

When Charlotte pulled it out of the box a couple of notes fell out of it. It was her recommendations that she meant to give him but then of course Sanditon happened all those years ago and she couldn’t do it without perishing from shame. So she stopped trying to get it to him. She put the recommendations into her copy, along with other notes and thoughts she wanted to give him or tell him and did her best to forget about it. She still felt it to be honest- the shame of what happened, but had managed to develop some sort of strategy for managing it. Charlotte took a deep breath, shaped the words with her lips; it is what it is, whatever it is. 

Charlotte picked up a note that had fallen and chuckled as she placed the book, cover out, on the book shelf- folding her note over it. She took a step back to look at the shelf as she folded the box. It looked good, the corner with the armchair and bureau too. Her walls were still empty though. Charlotte knew she’d have to decorate. She located the picture of her grandparents and the one of her and her parents as well as one with Alison, and placed them carefully on her bureau.  
Friends.

It’s what they’d always been as far as he was concerned. The absence of his friendship had never passed unnoticed, and there was a time when nothing hurt her more. But she never felt for him like she felt for her other friends- he’d never been like Fred to her. She and Sidney had always been something more, something… bigger.  
She loved him, okay?

There are no other word big enough… but you can love your friends Charlotte told herself, and for now she saw the need for a simple, disarming term for what they were… what they are. But it had to be temporary, like this place, this solution, she didn’t want them to be forced into what wasn’t them. Charlotte wanted them to stay what they are- untamed if necessary, and she resolved to protect that. 


	7. Cardigan

_**8th August, 2008** _

A heat wave had draped itself around Sanditon for the last two days and Sidney was already sick of it. His own flat had been boiling- his air conditioning breaking just an hour in and the flat heating up like an oven due to its position towards the high sun.

Sidney had switched to Mary’s empty flat not too long after- unable to work with complete concentration as his skin burned from the spotlight of sunshine that beamed through the slit of his curtains and skylight. Mary’s flat was also baking and it’s size, weird crooked shape and the amount of closed doors it had, made it next to impossible to create a satisfying draft.

Sidney was sat in the smaller common room, books spread across the table, laptop screen turned black from not being used, and tried to concentrate. The empty flat should have made it easier to work- everybody’s was out at work and in his apartment, besides the heat, Stringer was walking around practically naked and ready to draw you away from work and into a conversation at any moment. Yet somehow, between the sticky heat and the echoing silence, Sidney couldn’t get a moment of peace.

Pushing his chair back, Sidney got up and walked into the kitchen. He poured a glass of cold water and wet a towel under the running tap-squeezing most of the water out and putting it around his neck in an attempt to get cool. When he got back to the common room, Sidney actually managed to focus for a good few minutes. The towel helped, and the draft increased- shit, that was the door.

Muttered words poured in from the corridor along with a truly unforgettable sound that creeped through every nerve in his body and every nook in his mind.

Charlotte.

The realisation was enough to send uncomfortable waves of heat through him.

The odds were astronomical; the phrase had echoed in him every time he thought of her since she had come to Sanditon, like it couldn’t possibly be real. It had been months now. Months of awkward smiles and polite kindnesses. Not completely authentic to them, but the problem was, Sidney was hesitant (and more than anything scared) of getting too familiar with her. That would open a whole can of worms that were probably better left shut.

There was a loud bang as Charlotte kicked the front door closed. Seconds later she passed the door to the common room, stopped, and took a few steps backwards, peeled in.

“Hi,” Charlotte said with a confused look on her face.  
“Hey,” Sidney said, leaning back in his chair.

Charlotte was in a navy blue skirt, a sleeveless blouse, and sandals. It seemed airy enough, but her cheeks were bright pink, and her hair darker at her temples. In her hand, there was some kind of brochure, probably handed to her on the street, which she used to fan herself. Leaning against the door frame, Charlotte stuck out her tongue and panted theatrically.

“It’s just so warm,” Charlotte said.  
“Summer by the sea I guess,” Sidney smiled.  
“What are you doing here?” Charlotte asked.  
“Why does it bother you? Me being here and in your space?” Sidney asked, smiling slightly as he looked at the lines form quickly in her forehead.  
“No,” Charlotte said sharply, “I just... umm... it was just.... I was just wondering.”  
“Too hot in my flat and the air conditioning broke,” Sidney shrugged.  
“We don’t even have air conditioning here,” Charlotte laughed softly, “why would you sit in here?”  
“Ah yes but look at all the space for air to actually move in here. It just sticks to one open place in our flat and so it’s just like a big ball of heat,” Sidney said, looking down at his watch and seeing it was only eleven, “No work for you?”

Charlotte had gotten a job at the Sanditon Gazette. The pay was awful and she worked with only one other person to report stories that weren’t really news worthy but a good start for someone in need.

From what Sidney had picked up, Charlotte seemed to have the combined tasks of an assistant and junior editor. He had no doubt that she would be acing it though because she’d been busy working the last few days- leaving early and getting back late, but now, this sudden appearance at home during this hour didn’t seem to spell good news.

“The office is in a horrible state,” Charlotte said, “Charlie told me to run for any available AC-unit.”  
“Hate to break it to ya but you’re in the wrong place,” Sidney said, flipping his ball point pen between his fingers.  
charlotte laughed, “I panicked! I had to get home before I wound up tearing off my clothes in the middle of the street,” She paused, feeling her cheeks go even pinker. “I feel like my insides are dissolving. I've got to take a shower.”  
Sidney cleared his throat, “Good thinking. Getting ahead of the rush.”  
“I would be willing to fight any rival for it right about now,” Charlotte said, lowering her fan and squinting at him, “You’re not a rival, are you?”  
“Our shower is broken and Mary is letting us use yours until it’s fixed but on this occasion, I must say Ive got my own tricks,” Sidney said, gesturing at his towel.  
“Good. Keep it that way. You know I could take you,” Charlotte joked.  
Sidney smiled, “Are you going to trash talk all day or-?”  
“Going!”

Charlotte disappeared and Sidney sat, staring vacantly for a bit as he waited for his heartbeat to slow. It wasn’t just the idea of her but the way he recognised his own voice inside his head now. Shit.

The shower started running- the sound audible throughout the whole flat (old pipes). Sidney got up and headed back to the kitchen for more cold water. He really needed to get her out of his head.

When Sidney walked back towards the common room, he saw the door to Charlotte’s room was open. Glancing at the bathroom door, he could hear the water still running and allowed curiosity to get the better of him. He knew he should have but he wanted to step into her world (if even for a second) and know the working of her beautiful mind that little bit better. And what better way than to see a persons most private space. The space reserved for those nearest and dearest. The four walls that saw every mask you’d wear. So Sidney stepped inside and looked around with wide eyes. The walls were empty but lots of books and records were put on shelves, and pictures of her family sat in neat frames. Her bed was made with her linen (the linens she had once told him, she had treasured from her parents home all those years ago). Sidney could vaguely recognise them as well as her clothes on top of it.

Glancing over to her bookshelf- Sidney’s favourite part of any room or home, he stepped further beyond the threshold when he saw a copy of his book August sat on her bookshelf. The cover was partly obscured by a handwritten note. Sidney squinted in a vain attempt to read it without moving- the font maybe too small and he too far.

The pipes wailed, and Sidney realised he was probably overstepping by just looking into her space. When he was growing up, he had no space to himself (there wasn’t much room when there were five children to raise under one house). Sidney was used to being up close and personal with everyone regardless of how he felt about them. That was why he didn’t mind being intimate with someone a mere thin wall away from roommates usually. That’s why he never understood uncle Roger’s desperate need for space in the flat above his coffee shop in Willingden- Sidney had already told him on numerous occasions that he had all the space he needed built into himself. But apparently that wasn’t normal and people would react when you got within a certain proximity of them or their stuff. He had worked allowing people their space since he had left Willingden those few years back but evidently, he had slipped up again.

The water stopped running and Sidney stiffened. He couldn’t remember how he did it, but he managed to walk briskly back into the common room before he had been caught red handed.

Charlotte appeared in the doorway again a couple of minutes later, wrapped in a robe, hair bunned up into a towel. Sidney tried not to look at her but failed miserably. Everything seemed to begin and end with her suddenly.

Looking towards him, Charlotte smiled, “This common room is a good place. You’ve almost got a bit of a natural AC going here.”  
Sidney looked at the open window behind him and cleared his throat, “This is nothing, let me show you,” he stood up and walked back to her room. He stopped before his foot actually set foot over the boundary (hand on the gold handle) and looked at her, “I’m just gonna-”  
“It’s fine,” Charlotte said warmly.

Sidney walked inside, opening the door all the way, and immediately went to open the window next to the fire escape. The air through the apartment immediately changed course and gained speed. He turned to her with a small smile and Charlotte  
returned it. Looking at her awkwardly for a few minutes, Sidney cleared his throat when he remember where he was and how inappropriate he was being. He quickly walked out of her room, and Charlotte followed him back to the common room.

“Wow,” Charlotte said, rubbing the back of her neck, “that breeze is amazing.”  
Sidney shrugged, sitting down on the sofa, “You have the best room for days like these.”  
“Good to know,” Charlotte said, her eyes falling to the books scattered on the desk, “Are you working?”  
“Yep,” Sidney said.  
“What do you have to do?” Charlotte asked, picking up one fo the books and skimming the blurb.  
“I had to do some proof reading for other books under our publishing umbrella,” Sidney said shyly, “I invested in small publishing house in London with my earnings from the sale of my first book. Thought it was a good idea.”  
“It’s a very good idea,” Charlotte said, looking up at him with a cheeky smile, “and a wise one for you. You were blowing money quicker than anyone I knew back in the day.”  
“I grew up,” Sidney shrugged, “anyways, as part of that investment and my book deal, I also proof read. Only I also have to get the first draft of my next book to my agent by Friday and so far I have hardly anything. Less than anything.”

The floorboards creaked when Charlotte took a few steps closer to him. He watched her warily as she sits down at the edge of the sofa.

“Can I help?” Charlotte asked softly.  
“I’ll be fine,” Sidney said.  
“I want to help. Please,” Charlotte said, “I have some background on this kind of stuff. I know I worked for a newspaper but proofing is the same everywhere right?”

Sidney noted how Charlotte’s enthusiasm made her glow. He couldn’t keep having these reactions because they were both unhealthy and inappropriate. Friends didn’t behave like that towards friends. Maybe he had to stop avoiding her- it had done nothing for him so far (perhaps made things worse). Mentally, Sidney reminded himself of what she deserved from him, and decided to use today as exposure therapy.

“Fine, weirdo,” Sidney said.  
“Yay!” Charlotte cheered, clapping her hands excitedly like a child.  
“But let’s sit in your room,” Sidney said.

Jumping up off the sofa, Charlotte immediately walked over the creaky floorboard again and began to stack the books on the table- assuming it would easier to carry them as a whole stack into her room instead of a few at a time. Only managing to get one book on top of another, Sidney gently grabbed her arm. Charlottes large brown eyes looked up at him in confusion, and Sidney had to pause for a second to gather himself once again.

“Go change, I’ll get these,” Sidney said softly- his voice too caught in his throat to be any louder.

Charlotte looked at him warily- her fingers lingering on the spin of the book longer than necessary as Sidney slipped it out of her clutches. Exhaling a smile, Charlotte complied- realising she couldn’t work with just a robe on (and not much else underneath) no matter how much she enjoyed the cool breeze the thin fabric of the robe allowed her skin to breath in this sweltering heat. Sidney took Charlotte’s absence as a chance to take his time in marking the pages that needed working and gather the vast amount of books.

Charlotte’s voice came through the wall, “I’m ready!”

Sidney walked into her room, sheets of paper under arm and stacked books in hand (his laptop carefully stacked on top). Charlotte was stood by her bureau in shorts, and the same sleeveless blouse from earlier. Her hair was still wet and as it rested on her top, the water pooled into small stains on her shirt- making it cling to her skin.

Sidney had to look elsewhere before his mind once again went where it shouldn’t have, and remembered the books.

“You have your own bookshop going on in here,” Sidney said, clearing his throat as he nodded at the shelf.  
“Told you I was going to do it,” Charlotte said with a smile as she grabbed some books from his hands.

Sidney walked closer to the shelf and eyed the note once again. Words like unique, beautiful, true, made Sidney uncomfortably warm again and he couldn’t bring himself to read the note he had so curiously pondered properly.

Turning back to look at Charlotte, Sidney smiled awkwardly at her before placing the rest of the books on the small table by the armchair and going to get another seat from the common room. When Sidney returned- seat in hand, Charlotte was already sitting down and had opened the books.

“Poetry? Sonnets and Limericks? Are these the type of things you get to read every day?” Charlotte asked.  
“Some of them,” Sidney said as he sat down in the other chair, “I also get to read really bad stories from people who think they’re the next Tolstoy but might as well have written a whole book in Russian for all the sense it makes to me.”  
Charlotte let out a giggle as she grabbed a pen from her desk and a highlighter, “Well I think you’re still really lucky- even if you’re reading Russian. To be allowed to read someone’s raw and real emotions. Their most intimate ideas and thoughts. That’s a privilege. I could never do it- the writing part that is. I have no idea how you do it sometimes. ”  
“I think you could do anything you set your mind to,” Sidney said honestly.  
“Look who’s talking!”

Charlotte smiled widely at him, and Sidney thought about exposure therapy, and maybe the two of them did that thing they did sometimes- a kind of telepathy, because her smile faded slightly, and she looked back at the books.

“Well…” Charlotte says, exhaling sharply, “Let’s start. I can do the proof reading if you need to get some writing done. Tell me about your new book.”  
“Demented and sad, but okay,” Sidney said, running his hand through his hair.  
“Oh come on! You’re a best seller, I’m sure it’s going to be fabulous,” Charlotte said.

Sidney smiled tightly, as he thought about how Charlotte was going off with her high expectation of him again. She always had such high expectations of him- so much faith in him.

“I’ll write for an hour, if you don’t mind proofing the some of those books… and Charlotte.”  
“Yeah,” Charlotte mumbled through the pen in her mouth as she neatly piled the books she needed to work through next to her.  
“Thank you for this,” Sidney said, “For all of it.”

Sidney and Charlotte sit in a comfortable silence as they both work their own progressive tasks. Staring at the blank page of his laptop, Sidney considered where his ideas and words had gone. He had this idea of what he wanted to write a few months ago but for some reason, he no longer had the inspiration to dream the world he had invented. The story of melancholy that he wanted to write, no longer fit into the jagged puzzle pieces of his life.

Looking up at Charlotte across the room, Sidney watched as she was engrossed in her own thoughts. It was clear that she was enjoying the task of proof reading but Sidney wasn’t surprised; she always did enjoy calling out the mistakes in other people’s work. Feeling his heart begin to beat faster in his chest, Sidney thought that if Charlotte insisted on helping him more often, then he’d have plenty of motivation and inspiration to write.

Charlotte tucked her still wet hair behind her ear and squinted at the paper in her hand. Sidney decided to allow himself this- to have her stir this in him (at least for the time being). It was work after all. She would agree to allow him this.

“All this work is making me hungry,” Charlotte said after a while.  
“Get something from our kitchen across the hall. Stringer won’t mind and he’s an excellent cook- did he tell you he was a chef?” Sidney said.  
“Oh, you don’t have to- I have-”  
“Yeah, yeah, I know you’ve probably got your own pop-tart-stash- I do remember that unhealthy obsession of yours. You know I never understood how you could eat that crap all the time,” Sidney said, smiling softly as he reminisced about Charlotte eating them by the lake near her grandmother’s house in Willingden.  
“Hey! Say sorry to the pop-tart. What did it ever do to you?” Charlotte said dramatically.  
“Sorry, I just figured you-” Sidney said, getting up, “Never mind, we’ll make something together. Mary won’t mind me invading her fridge- we’ll take Tom’s stuff.”

Charlotte followed Sidney into the kitchen and slipped onto a seat as she watched Sidney pull out the ingredient for a BLT onto the counter.

“I’m sort of getting flashbacks to university here,” Charlotte said.  
Sidney raised an eyebrow at her, “what?”  
“Cramming sessions, getting food to keep going.” She explained.  
“Sorry,” Sidney said, remembering all too well the stress of being at university during exam season.  
“No, it’s nice. Edward would buy food, anything quick with extra caffeine, and toss questions at me at any given moment,” Charlotte said without thinking.

Charlotte stopped for a second as she remembered him. Edward. When she wasn’t distracted by his card tricks, ice cream or car accidents, she realised that idiot (Edward) might have actually been better for her and that was what hurt her most. He always cared. Always put her first. Always showed up when she asked him to. That was until he cheated on her at a party because he was black out drunk (not that it was an excuse) but even after that, he tried everything to make things better. Annoyingly, Charlotte thought, even with all of the mess she had created with Edward, she always knew where she stood with him. There was always a clear line in the sand about where they were in their relationship and what they wanted.

Sidney Parker had let her down more times than she could count. He was always cut off. She never knew where she stood with him- one moment intense with passion and the next colder than ice. And now she’s helping him with his work. Not that he needed it, but that’s wasn’t the point. It was the fact that she was doing it even after everything he had put it through. It was the fact that just like all those years ago, Charlotte was cancelling plans for him- dropping everything at his whim (even when he hadn’t asked her to).

At least he could make her a sandwich.

Sidney made one for himself too. He hadn’t eaten anything since last night- it had been too warm, still was, but Charlotte had devoured hers anyway, and he tried to keep up.

“This is delicious,” Charlotte said, mouth still full of food.

Sidney used to think that Charlotte was hard to please. Now he thinks that maybe as long as you keep her well-fed, caffeinated, in books, and tried not to piss off her family (particularly her very mouthy little sister), Charlotte might be very happy. The first three were things he could manage- do well really, but the last one… he’d probably gotten better at it.

Too bad it was too late for any of that.

“I worked at the diner a few years back when I first moved to Sanditon properly. I know my way around a sandwich,” Sidney said.  
“I only know my way through one,” Charlotte said with a smile.

They put their plates in the sink and went back to working. Charlotte seemed to genuinely be enjoy herself, but Sidney was distracted. He looked around the room, the empty walls, the somewhat worn furniture, and the fact that she’s trying to help him with proof reading, one year after graduating from Oxford.

Something was off and it wasn’t just the fact that the last time they had seen each other all those years ago, they both swore they never wanted to see each other again.

“Do you miss him- Edward?” Sidney asked, shutting the top of his laptop.  
Charlotte titled her head to look at him, “You mean Porsche guy,” Charlotte said softly, not even remembering the last time she had heard him actually use Edwards name.  
Sidney chuckled, “I don’t know why I started there. Because I’m nosey probably, but yeah. Him.”  
Charlotte feel silent, seemingly thinking about it, “Sometimes. But I think it’s more because I feel really lonely sometimes,” Charlotte said honestly.  
“Do you struggle being alone?” Sidney asked.  
“I’m not alone- there’s too many people in my life for me to feel alone. I’m lonely. They’re two sides of the same coin but they’re also very different,” Charlotte said, “It was like that when I was with Edward in the end. We would be in the same room, surrounded by so many people but I still felt so lonely. Like I was just another person in the crowd. I could be bleeding out but I would have just been another person in that room.”  
“Did you ever feel like that when you were with me?” Sidney asked. He shouldn’t have asked her but he couldn’t just let it be.  
Charlotte bit on her bottom lip and thought for a moment, “No. I never felt like I was lonely but I definitely felt alone. You were always coming and going like I was a rotating door. And for the briefest moment I thought you were changing for the better- that we were changing for the better, but the moment went. Eventually when I spoke of you to people, you’d faded away into a memory- and I didn’t even mention your name. You turned into our fleeting time that August. You slipped away into that moment and I was left learning to love myself instead of twisting in bedsheets with you. Because I couldn’t deal with waiting for you turn up anymore and I definitely couldn’t deal with the uncertainty of you.”  
“I’m sorry,” Sidney said.  
“I know… and it’s okay. Really it is okay. I thought, when I saw you originally that I wouldn’t be okay. That you were my sun again and that I wanted my name written all over you but… you really couldn’t love me. You never grew up. It felt like the barbed wire of your past kept you from doing so. But I did. I couldn’t live in that little house of confusion with you anymore so... I went and grew up,” Charlotte said, “Now we’re friends and I value this too much to compromise it.”  
“Do you regret it?” Sidney asked breathlessly, “Us?”  
“No,” Charlotte said quickly, “I wouldn’t have turned up again two ago if I regretted it. You were my young love. My first love. That August, we were having fun- we didn’t realise we were making memories. But people change and life changes. Where we were then… I used to dream of happy endings and thought the world was candy floss and rainbows. Now, I’ve grown up. The world is harsher than I had imagined it would be and the endings aren’t always happy. But I think it would be wrong to regret being loved and loving someone. I cherish those feelings.”  
Sidney looked at her silently for a second as he let the words sink in, feeling like he was on fire and not just from the heat, “A lot has changed since then.”  
“Yeah,” Charlotte said, forcing on a smile as she tried to lighten the mood, “You went to Antigua. Helped your uncle with a coffee company and became a fancy best-selling author.”  
“Well… I definitely have a few more people I care about these days,” Sidney shrugged, feeling a tightness in his chest, “I think that helps.”  
“And Uncle Roger has a baby girl now. Named after my best friend Georgiana of course,” Charlotte joked, “have you met her?”  
“Uhm… I’ve only met her like four times in total, but she makes an impression,” Sidney said, smiling, “Makes me think about what I’ll do a year from now, where I’ll be when she’s a teenager, and I never used to think like that, at all.”  
“Has Eliza met her?” Charlotte asked quietly.  
Sidney blinks at the question- not expecting it to come from her. He shakes his head, “I don’t think Willingden would agree with her.”  
“Right,” Charlotte said.  
“And, that’s a part of me, I haven’t-” He sighed, “Seems too complicated.”

Possibly modified as far as truths go, now that he thought about it. It was just, easy being with someone who had so much going on, so much baggage, and who liked to talk about it. It made his shit seem insignificant for once. Like it didn’t matter- like it didn’t have to.

“She’s not exactly from a traditional background herself,” Charlotte said, “And I’m sure Roger could tell you a thing or two about the dangers of compartmentalising.”  
Sidney smiled tightly, but knew this was too much to think about right now, “Yeah, well, we’re not there yet,” He says, trying to put an end to the conversation.  
Charlotte doesn’t let him though and quickly says, “You’re in love with her though?”  
“I don’t know,” Sidney said after a seconds pause. He know how that sounded though and smiled before trying again, “Not yet at least. I like her, I genuinely care about her.”

Charlotte doesn’t respond. She just sits there and looks at Sidney, so he keeps filling the silence.

“We don’t talk about love, it’s not our thing.”

 _Probably because I love you_. His own desperate words echo in him, along with the feeling of needing to say them, or he might possibly die. It’s not just the idea of her or the changes she inspired in him. It wasn’t then and it isn’t now.

Sidney kept talking- a tone louder to drown out knowing that, “Maybe it’s not the kind of love people write songs about, but it’s there. I don’t want to hurt her.”

Charlotte looked at him for a second, then nodded in agreement. Sidney had no idea what expression he was wearing. He was in free fall, and grasping for something (anything) to hold onto.

“I’ve been thinking that you’re meant to learn about love from your parents and mine were kind of useless like that so-”  
“So you had to figure it out yourself, how to show someone you cared about them,” Charlotte said with some haste.  
“Right,” Sidney said, realising he had just put his foot in his mouth, “And I’m sorry you had to-”  
“Its fine,” Charlotte said quickly, looking anywhere but at him.  
“It’s not,” Sidney said, looking at her, “But you should know I- It was my first try so-”  
Charlotte took a slow breathe, “It seems you’ve gotten better since then.”  
“I hope so.”

Charlotte nodded and smiled as she remembered her parents. All the things they weren’t able to teach her and the pace with which she had to grow up. The pace with which she had to learn the world was not as loving as she would have liked. Her lips pressed together as Charlotte turned her attention back to the book in her hand. She browsed a few pages, seemingly at random, then looked up at Sidney who was still just sitting there. Staring at her bare wall.

“About that log,” Charlotte said, closing the book and setting it on the table, “-Have you read The Kite Runner?”  
“No. But I did read A Thousand Splendid Suns,” Sidney said, smiling from relief at the new direction of their conversation. They had both always been good at diverting their conversations when the need arose.  
“Dam it,” Charlotte said, settling back into her seat.  
“You’d like mine,” Sidney said.  
“And you should read mine,” Charlotte said, “But we should probably just start our own book club. To save time.”  
“Okay,” Sidney said.

They both sat and spoke about books until everyone started coming home from work and Sidney had to walk back to his own flat. The ease of their conversation and the way they spoke with excitement reminded them both of the comfort they got from being in each others orbit. Everything felt familiar. Like putting on an old cardigan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for your comments. I really appreciate them. 
> 
> Also, I know I said yesterday that I would not be following the 'Peter losing Wendy' reference but I watched the long pond sessions and I have a lot of feels. Still promise a happy ending though :)


	8. Jealous

_**16th August, 2008** _

The following week, the wind had picked up and blew some much needed cool air across Sanditon.

Sidney had rented an office space above the diner and found that he worked more efficiently there. He spent most of his day writing- the words suddenly spilt from his mind like gushing blood from a cut. He knew exactly what he wanted to write and he knew exactly who he wanted to write it for.

Sidney had completely abandoned any other jobs including all the proof reading he had originally been sent- sending it back to the London office and informing them to delegate it to the interns. He was lucky to be in a position to do that. He did after all not only invest in the company, but own it all. He knew that Charlotte would have been proud of him for working hard and forging a path for himself but Sidney didn’t want her to know (knowing he had simply invested in a small company was enough- she didn't need to know he in fact owned a company that was about to secure an international publishing deal). Charlotte had a way of making Sidney feel good about himself but he didn't deserve that from her. Not after everything that had happened between them. Sidney also didn’t want Charlotte to know that it had taken him so long to get there- if he had worked harder sooner, so much could have been different between them.

Sidney had met Charlotte various times since they were both sixteen. He visited his uncle on many occasions in Willingden- his family sending him away because Sidney was quite the handful. His mother had always said ‘he was a boy and would grow out of it’ but when it appeared that he would not, they sent him to Willingden to reset for a few days. Uncle Roger always kept Sidney busy with laborious jobs- work kept him out of trouble.

The root of Sidney's bad behaviour stemmed from the knowledge that Sidney had about his parents. If he did something reckless, that was when he got both his parents attention. If he behaved, he was left to the shadows- an ornament dressing a Christmas tree (only called up during the special seasons and left in a box to gather dust for the rest of the year).

The Parker children all had had a messy upbringing. There were five of them- Tom, Susan, Diana, Sidney and eventually Arthur, all living behind masks and facades. Their parents appeared to have the perfect marriage, but the arguments behind closed doors were earth shattering- especially for a child like Sidney who craved simple love but was constantly blamed for their arguments. He could still hear it now ‘it was all fine until you came along’. He had it tattooed in his heart. It was his fault. It was always his fault.

His father and mother separated before Arthur was born- their mother finding out she was pregnant just days after their father had packed his bags up and left them all. The kids were packed up and sent to boarding school not too long after as their mother decided to move to Spain- unable to cope with the demands of parenthood. Their father moved to London and enjoyed the draw of high society- he was a father in mere payment and name.

It was almost six years ago now, when Sidney had got expelled from boarding school and sent to his father in London. The man wanted nothing to do with him-shutting the doors on him before Sidney had even set foot inside. So Sidney went to his uncle- the only person who would actually take him in (even if it was reluctantly), with his backpack hanging off his shoulder and a dog-eared copy of Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens in hand (ironic as he had just ventured from that exact place like a lost boy himself).

It was that summer whilst he was wading through flowers with grass up to his knees that Sidney saw her under the high sun. He saw Charlotte but not like had in the years before. This time he really saw her- her skin caressed by the soft rays of sunshine. If he shut his eyes now, Sidney could still recall the scent of lilacs carried by the light breeze. The memories of a distant love… now out of reach.

That was a story for another day though- a day when Sidney had the strength to accept that sometimes in life there were no second, third or hundredth chances.

Walking up the flight of stairs to his flat, Sidney smiled when he reached the already open front door and heard the loud music echoing up and down the walls of the entire building. Throwing his keys into the bowl by the front door as he stepped inside, Sidney scratched his head with a smile as Stringer stood over the sink with a bowl of cereal in hand.

“I thought I heard someone,” Stringer said.  
“How?” Sidney laughed, circling his index finger to suggest the signal the loud music playing through their speakers.  
“A skill my friend,” Stringer laughed, turning down the sound, “How you doing Sidney?”  
“I’m good thanks,” Sidney said, dropping into the sofa and allowing the calamitous thoughts in his mind calm, “Hey, thanks for the tickets to that show on the weekend by the way.”

Stringer had served a couple at the restaurant he worked at a couple weeks ago who tipped him with two tickets to the ballet in London- the wife was the lead in it. With no date and no time off during the weekend rush, Stringer gave the tickets to Sidney. Stringer regularly got a steady stream of tickets to all kinds of shows in London- he could always go another time.

“No problem,” Stringer said, dropping his bowl into the sink.  
“Eliza really liked it,” Sidney added.  
“Knew she would,” Stringer said.

Sitting on the edge of the sofa. Sidney noticed how odd Stringer was behaving. His eyes kept flickering to the door which was still open. He was distant every time Sidney tried to engage him in conversation and oddly enough, he hadn’t called Sidney out for propping his shoes up on the table- Stringer’s pet peeve. Clearly he was waiting for something- or someone.

“So, there’s a new roommate next door?” Stringer said, trying to sound casual.  
Oh-oh Sidney thought as he braced himself, “Yup.”  
“She’s cute, huh?” Stringer said with a small smile before glancing back at the front door.

Charlotte Heywood. Cute. Sidney would have laughed if he could catch his breath.  
“I mean, nothing like Eliza obviously, but cute nonetheless,” Stringer said quickly once he realised the odd silence coming from his roommate.  
“I haven’t seen too much of her,” Sidney said casually but his physical reaction gave him away- Sidney suddenly unable to produce a clear thought, only absurd, mute rage.  
“She got a boyfriend?” Stringer asked, raising an eyebrow.  
Shit. Sidney bit the inside of his cheek before responding, “Not to my knowledge.”  
“’Kay, thanks man,” Stringer said, pushing himself up off the sofa, “I’m going to put some respectable clothes on and then go ask her out- I’ll see if she’s free this weekend.”

Stringer patted Sidney on the shoulder before heading back into his room to change from his boxers and torn t shirt into something more presentable. Sidney sat there for a few moments- staring out into the empty hallway from his seat, before breaking his paralysis and standing up as he heard a noise come from the stairs.  
Stepping out and leaning against his doorframe, Sidney could see Charlotte coming up the stairs. She was staring carefully at the ground- focusing on each step as she was being weighed down by a tool box.

“Hi,” Sidney said, smiling more than he should, “Maintenance work?”  
“I borrowed Stringer’s tool box to fix something at the Gazette,” Charlotte said, “Is he home? I want to give it back to him.”

Sidney’s stomach churned from the conversation he had just had in his flat with Stringer- he was going to ask her out.

Thinking back to his earlier thoughts about exposure therapy, distraction tactics and the fact that she would willingly spend an afternoon proof reading with him, Sidney wasn’t entirely sure what came over him but knew he couldn’t let that date happen. He stopper her before she could open her front door.

“Listen, what are you up to this weekend? We’re all going out if you want to come,” Sidney said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking down at the ground to avoid looking at her.  
Charlotte smiled brightly, “I’d love to.”  
“Awesome. I’ll text you the details,” Sidney said, grabbing the box of tools from her hands, “I’ll put these in our flat for Stringer.”


	9. Trampoline

_**20th August, 2008** _

  
Crowe and Babington had arrived back early from Babington’s family estate in order to meet Sidney as his train got into Waterloo Station. Stepping onto platform nine, the pair pulled a large trolley with them as they looked around for their third musketeer. Spinning around on the heels of their feet, Babington and Crowe sighed when they spotted Sidney standing by the exit. He had already waited quite a while for the pair- even having time to grab a coffee and pull out his cigarettes (still deciding whether or not to give in to temptation or give up the dirty habit like he had told himself he would do so many times).

Watching the pair approach him, Sidney smiled as they pushed the heavy trolley towards him with some difficulty. There were two very large suitcases, full of books, which they were off to unload in a number of independent bookstores in London. Sidney helped the two of them pull the bags off the trolley. As soon as the bags were settled by Sidney’s feet, Crowe headed for a public toilet- wobbling as he made his way through the crowd of people.

“What’s up with him?” Sidney asked.  
“He’s hung-over and drunk at the same time,” Babington said, reaching for Sidney’s cigarette-pack, “Gimme.”

Sidney handed him one and put another into his own mouth before slipping the rest of the packet into his Levi’s jacket and lighting both the cigarettes. Babington took a long drag. It hadn’t been a particularly long ride to London but it was a cramped one.

“Thanks for bringing these with you. It’s currently cheaper to print near your estate and transport them, than actually print at our printers. I’m working on it though,” Sidney sighed.  
“No problem my friend,” Babington said, “Are you coming today?”  
“For a while. I’ve got a meeting after lunch,” Sidney said.  
“Lucky or sneaky?” Babington smirked.  
“I like to think both,” Sidney shrugged.  
Babington laughed, “But we’re still on for tonight, right? I’m expecting your lady too.”  
“We’re all coming. Esther confirmed- but you’d already know that and Tom said he was coming as well and has some place lined up for us,” Sidney said, puffing on his cigarette and looking out towards the crowded London streets absent-mindedly.  
“And the famous Charlotte Heywood?” Babington said, raising an eyebrow.  
“Attending,” Sidney said quietly, lowering his cigarette. He turned to Babington and gave him a good stare, “But look man, don’t make a big deal out of it.”  
“I would never!” Babington said. His tone was that of someone who definitely would.

There was a pause while Babington took another drag- glancing at Sidney as he did. He was never good at biting his tongue when he was around Sidney. As an only child, Babington found Sidney and Crowe to be his only brothers and he could never hold back around them when he felt they needed to hear the truth- it’s what made them so close. But Babington struggled to realise when it was just his truth.

“I would just like to remind you what it was like the last time-” Babington began.  
“For god sake Babington!” Sidney groaned, rolling his head back.  
“I worry, sue me!” Babington said defensively.

Sidney opened his mouth to argue, but Crowe returned and Sidney thought there was no point in letting the subject spread to another opinion.

“So, which route are you guys taking?” Crowe asked.  
“We should split up,” Babington said, “I’ll do Nomad’s Land, Valentine’s and Bookaroos-”  
Crowe interrupted, suddenly wide awake, “No way man! I’m taking Bookaroos! We’ve talked about this.”  
“It makes no sense for you to be rooting around that area, Baker Street’s all your contacts,” Babington smiled cheekily. He was calm and in control, unlike Crowe, who was clearly grasping for words.  
“You’re the worst!” Crowe spat out finally.  
“Listen, I’ll let you take Bookaroo, but you’re on the hook for two more shops in that area, and that means pitching too, not just delivering,” Babington said, glaring at Crowe for several seconds as he wore Crowe’s anger down and allowed Crowe’s nerves begin to manifest in his mind. It was a cruel yet effective trick Babington had learnt a few years ago.  
“Fine!” Crowe said, grabbing a suitcase and dragging it towards the street.  
“He has a crush on the receptionist at Bookaroo, it makes him vulnerable,” Babington snickered.

Sidney shook his head, put out his cigarette and followed Crowe, dragging the other suitcase with him as Babington followed them closely to the corner of the road.

They made their way to east London and split up, but not before Babington had slipped a few extra books into Crowe’s suitcase. Sidney joined Crowe despite it being out of his way- he knew Crowe needed the help and he was doing Sidney a favour anyway.

“You shouldn’t let him jerk you around like that,” Sidney remarked. He was in a snarky mood today.  
Crowe shook his head, “It’s okay. I got too drunk yesterday- in fairness I do most days. Let him do all the planning.”

Crowe headed into their first stop. A small bookshop that would mainly be taking their poetry books. It was a pretty stiff interaction with the receptionist who was used to communicating with Babington- the real poetry nerd among the three.

Sidney took the awkwardly long exchange as an opportunity to go and get take-away coffee and water for Crowe (who looked desperately quenched). The coffees and water were mostly as an excuse to get out of the stuffy shop but it was a welcome excuse. With two coffees- one latte and one Americana, and a water, Sidney met up with Crowe back on the pavement outside the bookshop. Crowe quickly emptied his cup and opened the water bottle.

“Thanks for this,” Crowe said, drinking half of the water in just a few gulps and then kept walking, “I do miss you in London though. I wish Eliza would consider gracing the city with her presence more permanently so we could have you back. I thought she’d love it here. All that attention.”

It wasn’t in Sidney’s nature to tell Crowe that the feeling was mutual and luckily Crowe didn’t mind either way- it was one of his best qualities. And if Sidney really thought about, did he even want to return to London yet? Especially when there was a chance that his entire situation in Sanditon could change.

“So, I hear you got a new, esteemed neighbour,” Crowe said, looking at Sidney with a raised eyebrow.  
“Oh great,” Sidney muttered.  
Crowe ignored his tone and continued anyway, “How’s that going?”  
“It’s fine. It’s not a big deal. I shouldn’t have told Babington to begin with,” Sidney said, a hint of irritation driving his whole tone.  
“You’re forgetting I’m not Babington. I knew you that summer Sidney,” Crowe said, with a small smirk.

Sidney stopped in his steps and sighed as Crowe looked back over at him with a knowing look. Sidney usually preferred confiding in Crowe anyway due to his vast amount of chill and laid back nature. It probably also helped that Crowe knew the situation and although Sidney feared that this might lead to the type of advice he knew in his heart was true, he didn’t want to hear.

“I guess I panicked,” Sidney sighed, sitting on a park bench near them, “I’m not exactly well-versed in relationship etiquette.”  
“So, what did you wind up telling Eliza?” Crowe asked, pulling the suitcase and sitting beside him.  
“The basics. We were a thing, how I- what I felt, that it’s done with,” Sidney said nonchalantly.

Crowe’s eyes met Sidney’s as he turned to look at him and after taking a second to inspect the way the lines sat in Sidney’s forehead and the wariness of his smile, Crowe scoffed. Shaking his head as he looked down at his lap, Crowe clenched and unclenched his fists, straightened his back, twisted his torso and stretched his arms- all the while Sidney was staring at him in confusion.

“Just, mind yourself man. Be careful,” Crowe said, deciding that less was definitely more in this situation.  
Sidney gave him a look, “What do you think I’m doing?”  
“I meant be careful with yourself,” Crowe said.  
Sidney looked down, extracting and lighting another cigarette as he felt a knot form in his stomach, “Not sure I’m built for that Crowe,” he mumbled- cigarette between his lips.  
“Well, work on it,” Crowe sighed, “You know I don’t do relationships, but my parents split up when I was ten so I know about that stuff.”

Pushing on his knees, Crowe stood up tall again. Clutching onto the handle of the suitcase, he readied himself before dragging the suitcase along the pavement. Sidney followed suit. Crowe wasn’t a busybody like Babington. He was more nuanced.

Listening to the various thoughts flowing like water in his mind, Sidney looked over at Crowe and sighed. Crowe did know about this kind of stuff. Clearing his throat, Sidney decided to just ask.

“So, got any advice guru?” Sidney said, taking a long drag of his cigarette.

Crowe laughed and shoved Sidney playfully in his arm before leaning in closer to him. _Maybe he actually has something useful to say today_ (he did occasionally have epiphanies), Sidney thought.

“Here’s the truth everybody knows but keeps secret: you’re with who you’re with now because it didn’t work out with who you used to be with,” Crowe said.

_Maybe not._

“Duh,” Sidney said, rolling his eyes.  
“No seriously, think about it,” Crowe said, walking while he spoke, “You choose to focus on the new thing, but the old thing, they’re still…” He paused, looking at Sidney’s confused face before realising he would need to drive his point home to Sidney with an example, “My dad never got over my mum, that’s for sure, but it didn’t stop him from getting hitched with my step mum.”

Sidney thought about it for a moment. A lot of his friends always introduced their new partners by saying ‘they’re better than so and so’ and for a moment, the stark reality of this comparative state of mind settled in him. Only Sidney had never done this- not with Charlotte anyway. He had introduced many girls to his friends and always said they were the best he had had, no matter their actual qualities, until he mentally compared the best to Charlotte and then they didn’t even scratch the surface.

“That sucks,” Sidney mumbled.  
“My proper advice- my real advice, would be to dump Eliza, Sidney,” Crowe said, sighing as he stopped in his steps.  
“What?” Sidney said.  
“You clearly in love with someone else. Whether you end up with them or not, it’s not fair to dangle Eliza like a puppet on a string,” Crowe said.  
“But I do love Eliza,” Sidney said.  
“You love the idea of her. You love Charlotte. And no matter how hard you try, you cannot replace the sun with a candle,” Crowe said, looking Sidney firmly in the eyes before returning to their walk.  
“Well that sucks,” Sidney repeated.  
Crowe shrugged, “It is what it is.”

There it was. Why would he say such a thing? What did it even mean?

 _It was a Hail Mary_ , Sidney thought. A tether to keep from losing what Sidney couldn’t bear to lose, at any cost.

Crowe and Sidney walked on in silence and drop off books to two other places before finally arriving at Bookaroos. Crowe stopped right before it and fixed his hair in the window reflection of the shop. Sidney chuckled but helped him get the stuff inside- allowing Crowe this moment of happiness as Sidney was only too well aware of how fragile time with the people who infatuated our every thought could be. So Sidney did all the heavy lifting while Crowe flirted with the receptionist who, unfortunately, seemed immune to his charm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your feedback. Just to clarify this will have a HEA but right now, your just going to have to trust me.
> 
> On a different note, after watching the Long Pond Sessions yesterday (shoutout to my TSwift readers), I've decided to change the direction of this work a little bit. For full effect of this fic, I'd highly recommend listening to August, Betty and then Cardigan (ABC- in that order) as originally this work was kind of August inspired, but now the Holy Trinity have given me more ideas. 
> 
> Thanks again for all your feedback.


	10. Dilema

_**20th August, 2008** _

  
Charlotte had been busy since she started at the Sanditon Gazette. She worked long hours and crashed straight into her warm bed as soon as she’d gotten home on most nights.

The Sanditon Gazette was a glorified city-guide, add-run, with stories for either money or because so many residents had complained that they had filled it with local stories to settle the unrest. Sometimes there was an interview about a new shop or restraint review, but Charlotte found herself mainly hunting advertisers- both as an administrator and a journalist. It was a tedious job and one she definitely didn’t enjoy but it paid her bills and kept her mind busy, so Charlotte could comfortable. She also had too much else to think about to dwell on how much she’d of rather been doing something else.

She had spent the few weekends in Willingden overseeing her grandfather’s reinstallment into the house, and worked even harder after that. She hadn’t really had time to get to know any of the people she lived with since the night she moved in (their lives like ships passing in the night), and if she was honest with herself, Charlotte knew she wanted to get to know them but also didn’t want to at the same time. So, she was genuinely happy to get asked to join the party tonight by Sidney, knowing it would be easier in his company. Sidney always had a way of making her feel like herself in a crowd.

As soon as she got home from work, Charlotte jumped into the shower, changed her clothes and did her make-up, before joining her flatmates in the kitchen. They cook together under Esther’s direction, as the red head created her family (apparently) famous pasta dish. The cooking seemed to go from worse to worse as Esther spends the duration of their meal, grumbling under her breath over the fact that her grandmother (from who she got the recipe) had deliberately supplied her with misinformation. Charlotte enjoyed the food anyhow and the company as she listened to Mary and Tom swap war stories from when they last went out for a night on the town.  
Once they were done eating Mary and Tom rinsed off the dishes – it was their week – while Charlotte and Esther finished off a bottle of red wine.

Settling back into their seat once the dishes were done, Mary and Esther argued playfully over the music. Mary sat, her back to the wall and her bare feet in Tom’s lap. His hand rested on her wrist and his thumb moved ever so slightly around it. Charlotte blinked her eyes quickly as she realised she was staring.

Determinedly, Charlotte redirected her gaze to Esther, who’s arguing in favour of Alicia Keys. Charlotte weighed in with her vote and suggested a song that ended the debate between the girls just as the phone to the front door rang. Tom hurried went to open it and returned with Sidney, Crowe and another guy who seemed familiar. When he kissed Esther, Charlotte finally placed him and remembered they had met that party a few months back now. Everybody got up and reached over to shake each other’s hands and hug one another with that friendly familiarity before settling in and opening another bottle of wine.

“All well in London Sidney?” Tom said, loud enough to draw everyone into the conversation.  
“Yes. All sorted Tom,” Sidney said with a tight smile before turning to look at Charlotte, “Charlotte, you remember Babington and Crowe right?”  
“Umm… I remember Crowe briefly from Willingden back in the day and Babington from the other night,” Charlotte said softly.  
“That exchange over coffee in Uncle Rogers coffee shop. I do remember that,” Crowe said and tilted his head at her.

If he knew anything about her other than him meeting her in Willingden that one time, he didn’t signal it and Charlotte nodded and smiled, before engaging in a conversation with Babington about his latest architectural designs.

“You better change Babs. You look like you slept under a bridge,” Sidney said with a smirk as he checked the clock on the wall.  
The table erupted with a laugh, and Babington glared at Sidney before sarcastically responding, “Thanks.”  
“You’d do the same for me,” Sidney smiled, “You have to use Mary’s though because mine’s still broken.”

Rubbing his forehead, Babington grabbed his backpack and did a he was told. While Babington jumped into the shower, Crowe shovelled leftovers into his mouth before standing up and going to Sidney’s flat to freshen up.

Eliza joined the party outside Trafalgar House, and the eight of them walked together to their destination. The evening was pretty, warm and the perfect temperature to be cooled by the salt air.

The place was a beer garden type of pub with long tables and uncomfortable seating. Tom may have picked it, but with some, obvious reluctance; it was chosen because of its size, not its style or clientele (which Tom made a point of pointing out on several occasions). They got a table and sat down; Mary, Tom and Eliza on one side and Charlotte on the other side next to Esther. She moved in to make room for Sidney and he smiled at her as she did.

Babington and Crowe had ordered pitchers and came to sit down too. Charlotte scooched in to make more room and Babington squeezed in next to her, while Crowe resolutely ordered Sidney to get glasses for them and took his place as soon as he’d gotten up.

“We’ve been dying to dig for information on Willingden-” Crowe explained, already knowing the key details himself but not wanting to miss an opportunity to drag up some embarrassing dirt on his best friend.  
“And teenage Sidney,” Babington filled in.  
Charlotte laughed, oddly relieved, “I didn’t know teenage Sidney- I only knew of him because I was close with his uncle. I only knew eighteen year old Sidney for a summer. Sorry.”  
“You’ve known Sidney since before?” Esther asked, glancing at Babington with a curious look as she wondered how he had let his information slip past her.  
Before Charlotte had a chance to speak Eliza answered for her, “They used to go out.”

Eliza smiled calmly and Charlotte couldn’t help but think that she was eager- almost pleased, to have be able to show off her knowledge and serene acceptance of this whole situation. Charlotte quickly shook off that thought though- telling herself that she was being monumentally unfair and that she was lucky that Eliza was okay with the whole situation (Eliza could have made her life difficult about it but she had been nothing but kind on the occasions she had seen her).

Charlotte looked around, but it was mostly Tom and Esther that seemed surprised by this revelation.

Within moments, questions (guesses really) were hurtled at Charlotte. Some from genuine curiosity and some just for show. Charlotte wasn’t even given the time to think let alone respond to any of them.

“So you lived in the same place?” Tom asked.  
“And you knew him when you were kids-?” Esther asked.  
“What was he like-?” Babington said.  
“Don’t tell me; Total brat, right?” Tom said.  
“Bad boy,” Crowe said.  
“Humongous nerd, obviously-” Mary said.  
“Ten pounds says he wore a beret at some point,” Esther added.  
“Leave her alone,” Sidney’s voice boomed from the head of the table playfully.

Sidney returned with glasses, setting them down in front of Babington and Crowe with a distinct bang. He took a seat next to Eliza as everyone spoke over one another. Charlotte cleared her throat.

“I’ll be happy to tell you everything about Willingden.”

Everyone at the table leaned in, while Sidney frowned at her. Sidney and Charlotte had known each other briefly until that last summer spent in Willingden together but Sidney knew that his Uncle Roger had loose lips and Charlotte was always good at getting them to speak. Charlotte smiled, before clearing her throat and sitting up straight.

“Yeah, I could tell you about the mysterious markings that appeared in front of the town shop one morning,” Charlotte began saying dramatically, gesturing like a fortune teller, “-or the time someone ruined the winning entry to the snowman competition. Or the disappearance of my neighbour’s garden gnome-” Scattered laughs travelled around the table and a few low whispers, so Charlotte kept going, “-or, I could tell you about our annual bid-on-a-basket-fundraiser, and the time yours truly participated and sold her basket for- I kid you not- ninety pounds to one enthusiastic bidder that you all know as-”  
“But why would you?” Sidney interrupted with a drawl, “Sure, you managing to sell left-overs for that amount of money says a world about your marketing skills but apart from that, the whole place is very Smallmindsville, England.”  
“And you of all people lived there!” Crowe filled in, “I don’t think it’s strange to be a bit curious about that.”  
“Hey, have you read Sharp Objects?” Sidney said, aiming the question at Charlotte.  
Charlotte laughed coldly, “You can’t distract me with books-”  
“Why not? It’s always worked before,” Sidney rushed to say.  
“Willingden is not that bad, and you know it,” Charlotte said with a smile. She was enjoyed the way Sidney was squealing.  
“How about A Confederacy of Dunces?” Sidney asked but no one was listening to him.  
“Right now it sounds like a far more interesting place than Sanditon,” Crowe said with a smirk, causing Babington to giggle like a child beside him.  
“Whatever this is, it’s boring me,” Tom interjected, noticing the look on his little brothers face.  
“Fine,” Babington said, “But don’t think you’re off the hook,” Babington gestured towards Charlotte and Sidney, before turning to Mary, “Speaking of books, what are you working on now, Mary?”  
Mary smiled warmly, “A few pieces on collectives. I’m going all over town, talking to people, taking pictures, trying to tie it into something about family,” She said, glancing over at a nervous looking Charlotte and winking reassuringly.

The conversation went on as Tom started talking about other places he’d lived. Eliza leaned against Sidney’s shoulder as she listened to Mary and Tom recall how they met through Sidney, and Charlotte felt like she had twisted something, and fidgeted in her seat.

Crowe and Esther returned the empty pitchers and got new ones. The conversation went on, covering a bunch of experiences of shared homes, collectives, summer camps and university halls before turning to roommates and live-in-partners. The stories get more frivolous, voices got louder and time moved quicker.

Babington and Crowe insisted on staying put in their places besides Charlotte and Charlotte couldn’t decide if she should have been flattered or annoyed, but they keep her busy with party tricks and anecdotes on writers and their respective histories- Babington went to Cambridge and disappointed his family by going into architecture while Crowe was the pride and joy of his family for making something of his teenage crush on the girl bands he liked. As much as Charlotte enjoyed talking to the pair, she had hoped that she would be able to spend the evening getting to know her flatmate a bit more, and the guys didn’t really ask her anything about herself- almost as if they weren’t interested or, like they already knew all there is to know (all Sidney could tell them anyway).

Charlotte got angry as the sudden realisation dawned on her. She glared at Sidney occasionally but Eliza and the girls kept him busy on his row- lively debating politics with Tom chiming in when he found them particularly annoying. Why did he even invite her to come?

“So, you’re exes. How come?”

Turning towards the voice, Charlotte was surprised to see Esther asking her such a question after she had sat near her in told anonymity for the past hour. Charlotte blinked at Esther who leaned closer across the table, her cheeks were rosy and she was clearly drunk enough to express curiosity. Esther looked between Sidney and Charlotte as she waited for a response, repeating her question and this time catching Sidney, who finally looked at Charlotte. Biting her bottom lip, Charlotte cocked her head to the side, and meets Sidney’s eyes.

“I don’t know. Was it because you kept things from me, or because I couldn’t bring myself to trust you? Or was that like a chicken and egg situation?” Charlotte said, starting their rally.  
Like a good soldier, Sidney chuckled and rolled with it, “Probably. Or, you know it could be that everything had to be family-approved with you, or the fact that I couldn’t get along with a single one of them.”  
“Good point. Then again you also failed to take me to your uncle’s wedding-”  
“-not to mention your first day of uni-”  
“-while school was my only true love-”  
“-and I was sick of being the other woman,” Sidney joked.  
“True,” Charlotte said, unable to figure out how she was both angry with him and yet, still hungry for more of their interaction. Maybe because they were so good at it, after all, “But then again you did leave without a word.”  
“Well, I’m sure Edward had an oversized shoulder for you to cry on.”

Too good at it, Charlotte thought. Too close. Her smile froze on her face and Sidney was just as cold to match. Had they been alone this would have turned into... something other than just banter. But they weren’t, so she redirected the conversation (sort of).

“Hey, have you read You Suck (A Love Story)?” Charlotte asked.  
“Wow, I didn’t peg you as a Vampire chick, you read Twilight too?” Sidney said.  
“Hey, if it’s anything like Let the Right One In, I think I’ll enjoy it,” Charlotte smiled.  
“That reminds me; I still got that copy of Please Kill Me,” Sidney said.

They stared at each other for a second before Esther broke in.

“Wow. You seem like a terrible match. Why were you even together?”

Charlotte turned to her sharply. Swallowed. It’s hardly the first time someone had asked her that, only this time she didn’t feel like retreating. She’d had a few beers and has some fight in her. She looked back to Sidney and his eyes were already on her, resolutely, like he could have answered that question in a second- making Charlotte smile a little.

“I guess, I was kind of-” Charlotte began before taking a breath, “-lonely in a way, before I met Sidney. I had a lot of people in my life who loved me, but no one who really… got me. And, I don’t know, maybe that’s too much to ask, but… I felt like Sidney covered a lot of ground in my life… like I was less alone and if had to stand in that one place for the rest of my life- watching as the grass grew over my feet, I would have been okay with him.”  
Sidney smiled back, but not in a cheery way, “We definitely had something.”  
“It ended badly,” Charlotte continued, “but we made sense in a lot of ways. We had a lot in common.”  
“Books,” Sidney offered.  
“Music,” Charlotte said.  
“Lack of parents,” Sidney said.  
“Overactive imaginations,” Charlotte added.

Sidney’s smile was warm again and Charlotte couldn’t help but return it. There was silence between songs and Charlotte noticed the pause in the conversation with the others as well. She looked at Eliza whose gaze darted between her and Sidney, slight smile on Eliza’s lips but Charlotte had recognised it from her days at Oxford- Eliza wasn’t happy. The awkward silence was interrupted by Babington getting up.

“Another round?” He asked.  
“Not for me,” Eliza said, “Early morning tomorrow so I better go.”  
“I’ll walk you to the taxi- I needed to talk to you anyway,” Sidney said, getting up and helping Eliza out of her seat, “I’ll be back in a while,” he added to the rest of the table.

Mary decided to go as well, pecking Tom on the lips before she slipped out of her seat. Everyone said their goodbyes and then the three of them disappear out of the pub doors. By then, conversation had picked up again and Babington decided to collect drink orders.

“How ‘bout you?” Babington turned to Charlotte, “Another beer?”  
“Sure,” Charlotte said softly.  
“Come help me carry,” Babington said with a warm smile.

The two of them headed to the bar. As the bartender worked on their order, Babington leaned on the counter, looked at Charlotte and opened his mouth before closing it again. He chuckled and shook his head. Charlotte had ignored it as long as she could but she wasn’t able to bite her tongue for long.

“What?” Charlotte said, far more fiercely than she intended.  
Babington tapped his fingers on the counter and leaned back towards her, “I can’t believe you guys are neighbours.”

There was that hint again. The hint that told Charlotte that there was nothing she could tell Babington about her and Sidney that he probably didn’t already know- or at least the Sidney version of events.

“Is there a reason you waited until Sidney was gone before bringing this up?” Charlotte said, keeping her tone tight.  
Babington went on as if he hadn’t heard her, “I’d go nuts if I had to live next to… any ex of mine.”  
“I think that says a lot more about you than me and Sidney,” Charlotte said, exhaling sharply.  
Babington snorted, “You’re not at all bothered by this arrangement?”  
“Nope,” Charlotte said quickly.  
“Really?” Babington asked with an amused smile.  
“We’re friends,” Charlotte said.  
“Friends?”  
“Yeah!” Charlotte said, almost stomping her foot, “It’s the adult thing to do.”  
“Adult schmadult,” Babington said, gesturing vividly. It was clear that he was drunk as he leaned in closer, smiling winningly. “Never mind, let’s drop the subject,” he said, shoving her shoulder with his softly, “you want to get out of here? Go for a coffee?”  
Charlotte stopped smiling, “I don’t think that’s a good idea-”  
“Why?” Babington said quickly.  
“Well, because-” Charlotte tried to form words but was too shocked to proceed.  
Babington widened the space between them again, and looked at her triumphantly, it was all an act, “See, you’re a lot smarter than you pretend to be.”  
Charlotte laughed, coldly this time, “Maybe you’re just not my type or I was put off by the fact your girlfriends over there.”  
“Oh, I’m definitely not your type- despite this likeminded, one size fits all schtick you’ve got going. Just, try to tread lightly, would you?” Babington said.  
Charlotte tilted her head, not giving him anything, “What do you mean?”  
“Come on. Sidney doesn’t seem completely un-bothered by this. He still thinks you’re all that,” Babington said.  
Charlotte stood little taller, readying herself to just walk away, he could carry his own damn beer, “He’s great at multitasking then, seeing as he’s with Eliza,” Charlotte spat.  
Babington shrugged, “He wasn’t okay after you last left. The Crown incident and all that. Just so you know.”

She stood there paralysed. She was angry and ashamed- unable to keep the memory of that night out. The night at the Crown came back to her in screaming colour; his smile when she showed up, his eagerness to get close, how good it felt to let him, how she almost forgot about her broken heart, her broken ego - his face, his words. He didn’t deserve what she did that day, even if she’d convinced herself he kind of did- that he wouldn’t mind either way, because that’s the kind of guy Sidney was. The kind of guy everybody told her he was- easy, casual and unable to commit. He had even said it himself on so many occasions, but he isn’t that guy, maybe he never has been.

Charlotte’s throat stings. It must have showed as well because Babington’s expression softened. He looked concerned, and maybe even a little scared- looking toward the exit in case he needed a quick escape. She had got him. He didn’t know her- not at all. Charlotte stuck her chin out and nailed him with a glare.

“Well, I wasn’t okay after he left either,” Charlotte said firmly.

Babington blinked, and shot her a small apologetic smile before returning his attention to the bartender. Charlotte let him pay and started carrying the drinks back to the table. Her honesty felt good. Her anger too- even if it was partly with herself.

Crowe had moved next to Esther and the two of them were in deep conversation with each other when Charlotte arrived at the table.

Tom was squinting at his phone while texting. Charlotte sat down next to him anyway and ignored Babington when he got back to the table with the rest of the drinks. He took a seat next to Crowe and Esther instead but their conversation seemed specifically tailored to leave others out. Babington looked a bit lost for a moment, and Charlotte almost allowed her anger sizzle so she could strike up a conversation with him, but Tom took pity and stroke up a conversation with him instead.

In that moment where Charlotte felt like she was excluded from the conversation (again), Charlotte missed Oxford, badly, and came to think of a poetry reading she went to on campus with Edward a couple of years ago. She wanted to go, he wanted to be with her, but he wound up hating it- calling it absolute gibberish, and Charlotte disagreed but couldn’t argue her case as was usually the case with poetry. Now she recalled a specific line that stuck with her; ‘For a while I thought I was the princess. But I’m out here, breathing fire, and getting stabbed to death. So, I’m the dragon. Big deal’

Yeah, big deal. Babington and Crowe, or at least the former, weren’t being friendly. He was keeping an eye on her. Charlotte had worn tired of this game of cards and was just about to excuse herself and call it a night when Sidney returned.

The relief when she saw him was a thing of beauty. They were back in each other’s lives and she was less alone- that was all she felt right then and there. You still get to be the hero, she thought as she smiled broadly at him, and Sidney halted slightly and returned it. He sat down next to her and it felt safe to have him back- even if he looked slightly distant and frustrated.

“You okay?” Charlotte asked.  
Sidney managed a smile, “I am now.”

Turning to look at the rest of the table, Sidney caught Babington’s eyes and glared at him for a moment- there was a familiar knowing look between the two of them, and Sidney felt his heart begin to beat faster as Babington excused himself to use the bathroom. Sidney sat silently beside her. Charlotte’s heart was pounding- her conversation with Babington was still in her chest.

“Sidney. Are you-” Charlotte began quietly.  
“We’re good. You and me,” Sidney interrupted her, clearing his throat, “Okay? No matter what Babington might’ve told you- he just has a habit of needing to be up in everyone’s business.”  
Charlotte swallowed the words she originally wanted to say and settled for an “Okay.”  
“We are good aren’t we?” Sidney asked, a furrow in his eyebrows.

It’s more complicated than that, Charlotte thought, but it didn’t seem like it when she looked at him. She was just happy to see him.

“Yeah,” Charlotte smiled again, “How could we not be when we’re starting our own book club?”  
He laughed, “Good. I’ll get another beer, and when I get back we can argue and never agree on which books to read.”

Sidney got up and executed the first part of his plan just fine, but when he got back to the table, the collective conversation had moved on to other things, like how screwed they would be if Cloverfield really did happen- landing on them all being fine.

The conversation went on for a while and Charlotte just sat there quietly and listened. She found herself in a crowd but she didn’t feel like she quite fitted in. Charlotte tried her best to hold it in but had to let out a large yawn when it just got to be too much for her. Sidney pushed her side slightly as she shook her head- trying to shake off the tired spell (she didn’t want them all to think she was a light weight).

“Tired?” Sidney asked.  
“No. Yes. Hungry,” Charlotte said, laughing softly.  
“Oh-oh. We better take care of that,” Sidney said, standing up and pulling Charlotte up by the hand, “We’re going, you coming?”  
Crowe and Esther got up but Tom stayed seated, “My guy’s picking me up- I’m staying at his place tonight.”  
Sidney looked at Babington, who still couldn’t quite face him, “I’ll wait with Tom. Take a cab back,” he mumbled, “I think I’ve had enough for tonight anyway.”  
Sidney nods, “Yeah.”

Stepping onto the cobbled street, the four of them walked along the sea path towards the center of town. Walking past a parade of shops, Crowe and Esther ran around like high teenagers taking turns singing and carrying each other on their backs (toppling off another just as often). Sidney and Charlotte walked slowly behind them, smiling at their shenanigans and enjoying the lingering feeling of delicate comfort between them.

“Is it safe to let them run free like this? What if there’s a car?” Charlotte asked.  
“Don’t worry. You let Crowe loose after five beers he’ll track and hone in on the nearest churro stand,” Sidney joked.  
“Oh yes!” Charlotte giggled.  
“It may look chaotic, but it’s just part of the process,” Sidney smiled.  
“Can you change his settings? I was thinking donuts too,” Charlotte said, hearing Sidney laugh (his first real laugh of the night) and carried on, “And, also, I’ve noticed there’s a severe lack of pop-tarts at the flat.”  
“Really?” Sidney said, looking at her from the side, feigning shock.  
Charlotte nodded, “It’s really keeping the flat from reaching the level of pop-tartment I would usually like.”  
Sidney laughed, looking at the ground before flashing his toothy smile at her, “Don’t worry, there’s a bakery a few streets down from.”  
“Is there a shop as well?” Charlotte asked, “Those pop-tarts aren’t going to replace themselves you know.”  
He smiled, “And a coffee place.”  
“You’re the best!”

The quartet got a copious amount of baked goods, and ate a good deal of the churros on the pavement, before continuing back to the flat. Sidney, Esther and Crowe all smoked a cigarette outside before heading up. Sidney and Charlotte set up the box of donuts in the kitchen as Crowe and Esther went to take off their coats. Sidney went to get a few CD’s and Charlotte lit two candles at the table.

Sidney came back into the kitchen with a bit of a hesitant smile.

“What?” Charlotte said.  
“They’re not coming,” Sidney said.  
“Why?”  
“Crowe fell asleep on the sofa- he didn’t even make it across the hall, so Esther called it a night as well- Babington’s in her room anyway,” Sidney said, raising a knowing eyebrow.  
“Oh,” Charlotte said, letting out a silent laugh, “More for us then.”  
“Yup,” Sidney said, sitting down at the counter.  
Charlotte stood there-donut in mouth, and thought about the night she moved in when an unfortunate memory came to mind, “I wonder how sound travels from Esther’s room to here,” Charlotte mumbled.  
“We don’t have to find out,” Sidney said immediately.

Blowing out the candles, Sidney grabbed the box of donuts and immediately headed out of the kitchen. Charlotte followed behind him with some confusion as he led her to her bedroom door. Sidney tiled his head towards the door, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waited impatiently for Charlotte to open the door. Raising a questioning eyebrow, Charlotte unlocked her room door and tried hard to ignore any and all sounds from Esther’s room- it was clear this place had very thin walls. Sidney walked into her room and opened the window- carefully climbing out onto the fire escape.

“Grab your blanket,” Sidney said.

Charlotte obeyed and handed the one closest to her to him. Sidney spread it out on the grating and Charlotte climbed out and sat down. Sidney closed the window and sat down next to her. They leaned back against the wall and listened to the noise from the streets and the crashing sea not too far away that effectively drowned out any residue from the flat.

“So, why didn’t anyone ask you what you were working on today?” Charlotte asked after a few minutes.  
Sidney chose that moment to pick a donut out of the box and thought about it for a second before he said, “Probably because I’m not writing right now.”

Sidney took a bite and chewed slowly on the jam donut, his eyes firmly on his coffee cup in his other hand. Charlotte forced herself to stay quiet- her habit of incessantly speaking tended to help people hide, she’d discovered. Sidney looked at her and smiled slightly- he knew her well enough to know she was struggling to stay nothing.

“How come?” Charlotte said.  
“I finished writing my story. The next one that is. But I don’t think I’m happy with it so I’m just going to learn the trade and really put everything into the publishing business,” Sidney said, his voice humorous, “Maybe I’m a one quasi-hit-wonder, or maybe I don’t have anything more to say.”  
“I find that hard to believe,” Charlotte said earnestly.  
“No, but listen,” Sidney said, still smiling but less mannered now, “when I wrote it I needed to write everything. I needed to be honest about what was happening and with myself. It was all I had,” he paused to think for a second, “But if I had to choose between being there, like that, and being here, I choose here, no question.”  
“But-”  
“This is the only stable thing I’ve ever had. That I’ve ever been able to sustain,” Sidney said, “That guy- he was a jackass. He’s learning to grow up before he gets lost forever,” Sidney chuckled sadly.  
“I just hope you don’t fall into someone else’s mould,” Charlotte said, looking at him with those warm eyes he loved.  
“You’re so full of it, miss Living-up-to-everyone’s-expectations,” Sidney said immediately.  
“Believe it or not, that seems to be me when I’m with everyone else but you,” Charlotte said.  
“Maybe I want some of that for me too,” Sidney said, holding eye contact.  
“Let’s see where we wake up tomorrow,” Charlotte said softly.  
“Sometime the best laid plans are just a one night stand,” Sidney said, averting his eyes back to the road.  
“It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. My life that is,” Charlotte said.  
“Neither has mine,” Sidney said, “but then are we all just a speck of dust in the galaxy.”

Charlotte stared at the side of his face for a moment. They had sat so many over that summer like this. Enjoying the starry sky and wondering what their lives had been- what they would be. They would think of them- _us_ , _but so much for that summer love. So much for ‘us’_ , Charlotte thought.

Sidney bit on the bottom of his lip as he looked at the sea in the distant. He thought of how lost he felt as people who appeared like ants below him walked past. _Wasn’t everyone lost though_ , Sidney thought. Sat beside him was the girl he once thought had everything tied up neatly in a bow but suddenly seemed like a lamb on the run, searching for meaning. They were all a little lost. They were all searching for meaning. They were all trying to light up the dark. Shaking his head, Sidney grabbed Charlottes hand and stood up.

“You want me to write? I’ll write,” Sidney said, letting go of her hand and briskly beginning to climb the shaky staircase.  
“Sidney!” Charlotte said hesitantly.  
“No. Come on. Let’s make it into an extreme sport,” Sidney said, looking down at her with a devilish smile.  
“Stop messing around!” Charlotte said, looking up at him but Sidney had already reached the roof.  
“Get your notebook!” Sidney shouted down.

Charlotte cursed under her breath but obeyed. Carefully, she stepped onto the grated metal and climbed the staircase without looking down. The whole contraption seemed to shriek from her movements. Charlotte climbed each step slowly and with each step, she thought she got closer but barely seemed to move. Looking up, Charlotte saw nothing.

“Sidney!” Charlotte shouted hesitantly.  
His head appears from the top of the roof, “Come on slow coach.”

Charlotte reached the top and exhaled sharply from relief. The roof was an empty space, with just a door to the interior staircase that looked like it hasn’t been used in years, placed in the middle. At least the light above were still working.

“I don’t know about this,” Charlotte whined.  
“Just come here. Trust me,” Sidney said, holding his hand out for her.

Charlotte hesitantly took his hand and followed him around the corner of the door to the other side of the roof. There sat a bench with their box of donuts and coffee already settled in. Sidney let go of her hand and settled into the bench seat himself. Trafalgar House was so high that it provided a perfect view of the whole town- the starry sky looking like a blanket covering the night sky and lighting up the whole town.

“You’ll pay for this mister,” Charlotte said, handing Sidney the notebook, “I’m putting you on a deadline. You got three minutes to write some spectacular observation about what you see… On dark rooftops.”

Sidney smiled and took the book from her. He tapped the pen against his chin a few times before he started scribbling furiously onto the blank sheet of paper. As Sidney wrote, Charlotte looked out across the city and stretched in her seat, unwilling to get up. She reluctantly admitted to herself that it was pretty from up here. Charlotte leaned her head back and watched the moths flutter around the light. Sidney swore lowly next to her- whispering a little to himself. Charlotte turned her head and watched as his lips moved and his hands shot like a rocket through the pages. She checked her watch.

“Time’s up,” Charlotte said with glee.  
Sidney scribbled, more frantically, “Okay,” he said, still writing.  
“Pen down, Mr. Parker,” Charlotte said, channeling her examiners voice from her time back at Oxford.

Charlotte snatched the book from his hands and took a few steps so he can’t reach her- aware that he would not put the pen down any other way. Adjusting the book to the light, Charlotte looked at that familiar penmanship and read it to herself.

  
_People are always going on about the view but I don’t know. You can’t do a thing with it but watch. It drives me a bit crazy seeing every place I could be if only I was grounded enough to walk. A step starting thousands of great journeys. I think I’d even prefer being underground because at least then I could dig. But I envy the birds. They see the beauty for what it is. The blue shades of the sky. The dust on the broken street. The girl close enough see but not touch._

  
Charlotte blinked at the words a few times before looking up at him. Sidney looks at her anxiously- entirely convinced the few scribbled sentences were awful and thinking that if he went behind the corner right now, he would find a perfect place to cry. But Charlotte just smiled. And slowly her smile got bigger and bigger.

  
“This is poetry,” Charlotte said.  
Sidney snorted, “Don’t need to boost my fragile ego.”  
“You’re a poet,” Charlotte insisted.  
“Please take that back. I’m afraid the actual poets will be annoyed with us,” Sidney said, rubbing the back of his neck.  
Charlotte looked at the paper again, “God, I hate that you compare yourself to that drag Hemingway.”  
“He wrote poetry too,” Sidney immediately said, feeling the need to stand up for Hemmingway.  
“About farts,” Charlotte said as she pointed at Sidney, “And you’ve agreed with me before about it.”  
Sidney shrugged, “Well, what is poetry, really? All words are pretty. Anyone can string them together. Anyone can be a poet.”  
“No they can’t,” Charlotte sighed, “This is special. Really special.”

Charlotte sighed and turned back to the view- backing up and sitting down beside him again. She pondered bringing up that sentence at the end of his word but decided against it- it was probably a vain thought to think it was about her. The two of them sit like that for a few minutes and just enjoy the view before climbing back down to her window. Charlotte decided it was definitely worse going down than up and she swore to herself that she’d never do it in the dark while under the influence again. The two of them remained outside her window for a minute.

“Think it’s safe to go back inside?” Charlotte asked.  
“Probably,” Sidney answered.

Charlotte stood up- thinking that it was time to go inside now but found that she couldn’t move- going inside meant that the night would be over and she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to lose this moment to time just yet. Sidney stood next to her silently too. At first he was silent, but then he spoke with words that were quick, low and clearly had been on his mind for a while.

“Why aren’t you dating anyone?” Sidney asked.  
Charlotte stiffened, smiled tightly, and glanced at him. He was staring intently at the glass of her window, “What do you mean why?” Charlotte said quietly.  
“You haven’t been single the whole time I’ve known you,” Sidney said lowly.  
Charlotte stopped smiling, “I have, and you just weren’t there for it.” There was silence between the two for a moment before Charlotte exhaled quickly- confused by the sudden direction of their conversation, “You want me to date?”  
“I-”  
Charlotte couldn’t stop her next words, “Think it’d make it easier if I did?”  
“No!” Sidney answered sharply.  
“No?” Charlotte spat. She was standing as still as she could- too afraid to move but also burning with anger.  
“It would have made it easier before,” Sidney admitted, shaking his head, “Now it doesn’t matter, because I’m single.”  
“What?” Charlotte said in almost a whisper.  
“I broke up with Eliza earlier tonight. I realised this morning whilst I was talking to Crowe that I lied. You know how much I hate lying,” Sidney said, looking at Charlotte with hopeless eyes, “I do not love her. I was never in love with her and I just said it in the hope that it would become true. I was just searching when I was with her.”  
“Searching for what?” Charlotte asked.  
“You,” Sidney whispered, his eyes beginning to well, “But that hopeless because I can’t replace you in any way. I can’t find your best qualities in other people because only you know how to them right. I can’t find someone with the same book interests because others can read but they can’t see the words like we do. And I can’t seem to replace these footprints you’ve left on my heart.”  
“Sidney-”  
“But we can’t be together. We made me each other crazy,” Sidney said.  
“We could try again,” Charlotte said quietly, “I would want to try again.”  
“I just can’t,” Sidney said.  
“Why?” Charlotte said, holding back a tear as she looked at Sidney stood there with his lips tightly pressed against each other, “You can’t just leave me standing here _again_. You can’t leave me wondering if this is all my fault _again_. You left me in tangled sheets after telling me you loved me.”  
“Because I leave. I leave and then get upset when I see you standing with your arms around _him._ The reality is there was never an _us_ and you were never mine to lose,” Sidney shouted, emotions spilling out like open wounds, “I’m sorry for summer but I can’t be around this constant reminder of what was mine in the first place.”  
“The problem Sidney isn’t that I was never yours- I would have been. I wanted to be,” Charlotte said, “The problem is you apologise but you never take responsibility. You don’t own up to your mistakes. You cite every problem under the sun but never yourself. You’ve never grown up.”  
“That’s what I’m trying to do,” Sidney said angrily, “and I want you to be happy. That’s why I really think you should date someone else.”  
Charlotte couldn’t make sense of any of this and felt herself drifting, so she clung to the only thing she did know, “Well, I don’t want to date just anyone.”  
Sidney sighed, “Don’t make this harder.”  
“What are we even talking about, Sidney?” Charlotte said, throwing her arms up in the air.  
Sidney finally looked up at her, sniffling slightly as he did, “I don’t know. I’m drunk,” Sidney mumbles.  
Charlotte smiled, “Me too.” She grabs the last donut from the box before opening the window and climbing inside.  
“You know, those are just going to make you feel worse in the morning,” Sidney said as he followed her inside.  
“Can’t feel any worse than I do now,” Charlotte shrugged.

Charlotte took a big bite, feeling the sugar stick to her cheek. Sidney chuckled and shuts the window behind him. Charlotte wiped the grains off her face with the back of her hand and looked at him.

“Stringer asked me out,” Charlotte said quietly.

Sidney stopped smiling-unable to turn around and look at her. Charlotte licked her lips and stared at their reflections in the window- for someone who wanted her to date, he didn’t look too pleased with the idea. She watched as he slipped his masks with the shake of a head and produced another smile before turning to look at her.

“But I’m not going to go. I think it’d be weird,” Charlotte said.  
“Don’t stop on my account,” Sidney said, smiling tightly at her, “Like I said I’m leaving.”  
“Because of me?” Charlotte asked.  
“I said that because I was sad. I don’t want to be sad anymore,” Sidney said.  
“Do I make you sad?” Charlotte asked.  
“No,” Sidney said quickly, “You make me feel like I’ve never experienced before. Magic. Enchantment. Love.”  
“Then why are you going?” Charlotte asked, feeling the tears burn in her eyes, “Has cupid demanded back his arrow?”  
“Because I got a job opportunity in New York. A chance to learn about publishing from the ground up. A chance to improve my writing and I need to take it otherwise I feel like youth is being wasted on the young,” Sidney said.  
“New York huh?” Charlotte said.  
“Charlotte, I’ve spent my whole life expecting others to make feel emotions I should have been able to give myself. I’ve realised that in order to be my best self… I needed to strip my heart back to basics and in order to do that, I need to start with the things I love. The things that make me happy. And that can’t come from other people. It has to start from me,” Sidney said, clearing his throat as he felt the lump form tightly within it, “So yeah. New York, New York. So good they named it twice.”

Charlotte let out a small laugh but didn't dare to look at Sidney. If she does, she feel like things will start to get messy and any reaction he might produce would upset her for no clear reason. It probably all the sugar and alcohol and Babington’s stupid words and the tiredness.

“I should go to bed,” Charlotte mumbled, reaching for the box to put the rest of her donut back, but Sidney grasped her wrist first.  
“I got it,” Sidney said, his thumb moving over the surface of her skin, before he releases her and grabs the donut instead.  
“Okay, thanks,” Charlotte manages, looking at him without meaning to.

Sidney shut the box and looked back at her. Their eyes connected and Charlotte got the sense that she could let him keep doing what he was doing in her room and that they could drag out time for hours… but it would not help either of them. Not right now. Pressing her lips together, Charlotte tied breaking pieces together with a smile.

“Goodnight,” Charlotte said, walking to her bedroom door and holding it open for Sidney.  
Sidney slowly began to drag his heavy feet across her floorboard able to take a hint. As his foot stepped over the threshold out of her room, he turned to look back at Charlotte- scratching his head and opening his mouth to speak, “Charlotte, I know I have no right but could I ask one small thing of you?”  
“What?” Charlotte asked tiredly.  
“Please don’t let our best memories bring you sorrow-”  
“Sidney-,” Charlotte sighed,  
“Maybe one day, well turn the page and find a brand new ending.”  
Exhaling sharply, Charlotte looked at him with wet eyes and just breathed the words, “Goodnight Sidney.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, HEA guaranteed. Just trust me a little bit here.


	11. Clocks

_**20th October 2010** _

Charlotte had been sat in her grandpa’s study for a while under the pretext of looking over a few of his books from his vast collection. But of course, both she and her grandpa George knew that the main reason they were hiding in there was for a moment of peace and quiet.

They had remained there, George in his new ergonomic armchair and Charlotte in his old one, reading to him. They were doing well ignoring the sharp voices and icy silences through the door; George doing so well that when Charlotte looked up mid-sentence, she could see that he had drifted off. Charlotte glanced at her watch. If she wanted to get back to Sanditon tonight, she would need to get going.   
  
Charlotte shut the book and set it on the coffee table in front of her. She got up and retrieved the blanket from one of the armrests of her grandpa’s chair and spreads it over his legs before reaching for the handle under the seat and pulling it- tilting the chair backwards slightly. Charlotte knew he’d probably wake up soon (she’d heard that he was only sleeping a few hours every night), but was given the instructions to let him rest when he needed it. Charlotte checked her watch again, but still sat down in her chair and watched her grandpa for a few moments. He seemed so small. He’d lost weight. His skin was paler than it used to be.

Charlotte felt heavier from the observation, but still couldn’t bring herself to exit into the argument that was happening outside the study door. She could hear it pretty clearly now anyway.   
  
“Your childish behavior is the only reason she’s putting her existence on hold,” Alison shouted.  
“I haven’t asked her to do that,” Susan said.  
“She doesn’t need to be asked and you know that, and after twenty-four years I think it’s tall time you learned to keep up an exterior that bears some semblance to adulthood,” Alison said furiously.  
“I will not be told how act by a child,” Susan said sternly.  
“Yet you will let a child put her life on hold for you,” Alison retorted.

Charlotte got up and exited the study as quickly as she could- closing the door behind her as she didn’t trust that the noise wouldn’t rise in the hall again (possibly distributing her grandpa) . Alison and Susan fell quiet in their spots at the end of the corridor as they looked at her. Charlotte frowned and gestured at them to make their way into the living room . As Charlotte herded them from hallway, she stopped by the door to the kitchen when both women stared at her with a concerned look on their face.

“He’s asleep. With no help from you,” Charlotte gritted quietly through her teeth.

Susan and Alison glared at each other momentarily before the former walked past Charlotte and headed for the study. Alison leaned on the door frame and the sisters looked at each other.

“Was he okay?” Alison asked.  
“The two of you being at each other’s throats doesn’t help,” Charlotte said.

Alison sighed. She knew it didn’t but she couldn’t help it. Her and her grandmother just couldn’t stop bickering every time they saw each recently- the rift between growing further since Charlotte had moved to Sanditon.

Exhaling tiredly, Charlotte checked her watch again before turning on her heels and going after her grandmother- stopping Susan just before she reached the study.

“Grandma, I have to go,” Charlotte said.

Susan looked at her, a bit absently, but she was no longer angry. Looking at the closed study door for a moment, Susan decided to leave George to rest and turned back towards Charlotte- resting her hand on Charlotte lower back and walking her back down the hall.

“How is Sanditon?” Susan asked lowly.  
“Fine, busy,” Charlotte said with a soft smile. After a second, when Alison was in earshot, Charlotte added, “Nothing on hold about my life.”  
Susan smiled bleakly, “well. Things happen. Life is not easy.”  
“I know grandma. I’ll call and check in in a few days,” Charlotte said.

Charlotte kissed her grandmother’s cheek and watch her enter the study before heading for the front door. Charlotte knew that Susan irritated Alison because of how dependent Susan was on Charlotte, but Charlotte also knew that it was because Susan was struggling. They all were. Watching the person who had taken care of you most of your life begin to crumble before you was not an easy task- especially for someone who alway wanted to put on a brave face to the world. Charlotte had already been there before. Helping care for her mother (and her father and sister) when her mother was going through her cancer treatment. Helping care for her father after he struggled with the death of his wife. Then helping to care for Alison after their father died in a car accident and they moved to live with grandparents they had never met before.

Charlotte knew what it felt like to want to switch places with someone you loved- to take their pain for yourself if it meant that you could just give them peace. She also knew how to help carry the burden of pain for others when things went wrong- the weight on her shoulder and a warm smile on her face.

Reaching the front door, Alison was waiting by stairs with Charlotte’s oversized jean jacket in hand.

“Tell me about how work is going,” Alison asked.  
Charlotte slide into her jacket, pulling her hair out form the back as she spoke, “Not much to tell. It’s still a piece of cake. Nothing I didn’t do at Oxford- including the occasional coffee run.”  
“Well, do you like it?” Alison asked, her shoulders slumping in disappointment.  
Charlotte shrugged, “You know how these things go. It’s fine. The content’s still not my cup of tea, but, I know what I’m doing and I have a solid routine which is nice. Just-”  
“Just what?”  
  
Charlotte wasn’t lying about work- it was easy. Two years later and she was still at the Sanditon Gazette; comfortable in the routine she had established there and even when Charlotte found the work monotonous, she reminded herself that she had each element working down to a T. Charlotte was good at her job without liking it much and without really trying anymore. She was starting to think that she was good at most things, and maybe that was her problem. It was easy for her to get sucked into something she didn’t even mean to do but Charlotte never found the strength to leave. She enjoyed the fact that she could throw herself into any activity and keep herself busy. She liked that she didn’t have to work so hard everyday that her brain hurt and she liked that she had such busy hours that she didn’t really have time to think about the mess she felt like her life had become. But Charlotte was starting to feel like she could relate to her father, even Edward, way too much lately- all doing things to please other people (their heads on fire but no one ever paying attention).  
  
Charlotte tried to remember when she last felt like herself- comfortable in her own skin. The only things she’d actually done for herself recently mostly involved reading in her room and watching dust float in the air but those weren’t really effective lifestyle-option. The last time Charlotte really felt like herself... was probably when she on the fire escape of Trafalgar house... before she left him walk away.

She had sat by the phone every single night after he left. Hoping he would call. Wanting him to call. It didn’t have to be to say he was wrong or that he wanted to be her- Charlotte understood that Sidney needed to find his own path in life and she was proud of him for chasing his dreams. But she wanted him to tell her he missed her... she wanted to hear his voice and lose her weekends talking to him on the phone about books and their favourite things. She alway heard that voice in the back of her head telling her that he’d come back for her.

That didn’t happened though and once Charlotte finally pulled out that blood stained knife from her heart six months later, she stopped chasing Sidney’s shadow and realised she had to move on.  
  
There was something different with Charlotte after Sidney left. She’d started thinking of herself as lucky- so lucky, like a character from a story book. She had the staring role in a tale people knew too well and even though Sidney and she had picked themselves undone, she had started to put herself back together. She had alway had that option- go to university, find a husband, pick the road more travelled, but she was so happy she hadn’t (even if it felt like she should have sometimes).

_You can always come back but you can’t come back all the way._

“Just, something Richard said to me,” Charlotte said.  
“Denham? I thought that was ancient history,” Alison said with a raised brow.  
  
Alison looked worried, sounded upset, and Charlotte knew why- remembering what happened the last time she had thought about Richard Denham’s words from that awful day of working in his publication office. A great assistant. That was what he said about Charlotte and her working ability- completely dismissing her writing ability and ideas and commending only her ability to get coffee and take notes. But right now all Charlotte could think about was how comfortable her job was. Dull for sure but with a distinct place for her (or someone like her). And Charlotte had a stomach ache just thinking about the fact that someone as rotten as Richard may have had a point about her.  
  
“Maybe,” Charlotte said biting her bottom lip.  
“Don’t you ever let sleaze bag like Richard Denham tell you what your worth,” Alison said grabbing Charlotte’s hand, “you’re going to find something that makes you feel like your skin is on fire- but in an awesome, good way. You’ll find something that makes you happy like when you were the editor at the Oxford paper you ran at uni.”  
  
She tried to take her sister’s words to heart, but found that the alternative didn’t make her feel all that awesome. Those four years felt like someone else’s life now.  
  
Charlotte grabbed her purse and walked out to her car. Alison followed her, wrapping an oversized scarf around herself quickly.  
  
“You could stay,” Alison said,  
“I have work in the morning,” Charlotte said.  
“Then why'd you let us keep you?” Alison said, raising an eyebrow.  
“It’s fine Alison,” Charlotte said.  
  
She missed Alison as soon as she got into the car, and a part of her wanted to follow her little sister further into Willingden to the small house she now lived in instead, but Charlotte was just so sick of their dynamic at the moment and Charlotte knew that as soon as she stepped into Alisons place, they would fall into best-friend-or-my-sister-mode and she wouldn’t call Alison out on the fact that she was as much to blame for the constant arguments as grandma Susan was. So Charlotte didn’t bother to turn her Nissan to follow Alison because she knew there was no point. Her sister and grandmother -and even grandfather when he was up for it- seemed to thrive from conflict. It made Charlotte feel like she was born into the wrong family. And now, after three years on her own, and George falling even more ill... Charlotte hadn’t ever felt so alone in her life.

So, Charlotte drove south instead as the sky slowly darkened. Resting her elbow on the little ledge of her driver side window, the world felt like it was falling into the darkness until all Charlotte could see were the lights of other cars, her own headlights and the stripes of the motorway disappearing behind her. 

She felt empty and alone and for a second she wanted to stop the car and call Edward. Let him sweep in and scoop her up. It happened once already in London a couple years ago.

After she had broken up with Edward, she missed him but was just... so busy. She worked all the time and was grateful that she didn’t have time to think about what had happened, but when Sidney left her again and she went to London for a work assignment, she cracked, called Edward, and he came to take her out and take her mind off things. It was when they first came back to his hotel room that Charlotte realised she had nothing new to say. Neither did he, but she wrapped herself into him that night just so she could feel something more than sadness and loneliness (even if it was in the wrong arms). Charlotte just hated feeling so alone.

She got up the next morning and went back to work. That was it. 

Now, all Charlotte could remember was how good it felt getting rescued, so she reminded herself that she didn’t need rescuing. She forced herself to remember that nothing had changed. That all that night with Edward really did was change her focus for a little while. Charlotte forced herself to think that there was nothing Edward could do for her- nothing (and she that was true). But neither could anyone else at this point. No one could help her escape the thoughts that’s consumed her. Nobody could help stop her seeing the end of George Heywood- his fragile state today reiterating that he would not be making the full recovering that the doctor had promised. Just like when they promised they’d help her mother... or save her father. Charlottes mind was just a dark hole and the path there was littered with chaos but still so unyieldingly straight. 

Charlotte blinked away her tears. She couldn’t stop the car, couldn’t stand the radio, couldn’t stop feeling like the air was being sucked out of her lungs. So Charlotte began to mumble a rhyme to herself instead:

_‘A broken cup_  
_That cannot carry_  
_A drop of water_  
_For my soul._

_A broken knife_  
_That cannot cut_  
_A cord I kept_  
_From me to you.’_


	12. The Edge of Seventeen

_**21st October 2010** _

It was past midnight when Charlotte arrived back at the flat. It took her a while to find a decent parking space and she ended up parking near the promenade and walking the distance back to her flat. It was Sunday, or Monday to be more precise now, and this part of the small city seemed to be resting before it braced itself for another week.

Charlotte dragged her feet up cascading stairs- her limbs feeling heavier with each step as she willed herself to just keep going. Checking her watch, Charlotte unlocked the door as quietly as possible. It was only Mary, Tom and her now (Esther having moved in with Babington) but Charlotte knew that Mary was a light sleeper and didn’t dare disturb her- Mary did not cope well with a lack of sleep.

Stepping inside slowly, Charlotte could hear a whisper of uncanny sounds scraping along the walls. She slipped off her ballerina pumps, put them by the door and walked barefoot along the cold wood towards the common room. As she approached, Charlotte could see light glowing softly from the TV as it drew faint reflections against the walls.

As soon as she reached the doorway, Charlotte froze- the cardigan in her hand crashing to the ground slowly, as she wondered how she was possibly seeing this mirage.

Sat on the sofa was Sidney. His face was pale from the light, his curly hair over grown and pushed back by his hand. He was wearing a black t-shirt and sweatpants.

“Sidney,” Charlotte said almost breathlessly.  
Glancing up from the sofa, Sidney turned to look at her. For a moment he froze- almost like he hadn’t expected to see her in her own home, before he quietly returned, “Hi Charlotte.”

All those feelings she had been suppressing, came rushing back to Charlotte like water crashing in a storm. An insurmountable wave of hurt passed through her but Charlotte mostly just felt angry… angry he had left without so much as another word… angry he still haunted her when he wasn’t there… angry that his shadow had finally shown… angry that he was back as if nothing had happened.

What bothered Charlotte more was that neither Mary nor Tom had given her a heads up. She was well aware that she had thrown herself into work to keep herself busy- seeing them once in the past week for all of two minutes, and that as soon as the late working week had finished, she had jumped into her car almost immediately to drive to Willingden and leave the god forsake mess that was her life behind, but _a text would have been nice_ , Charlotte thought.

Sidney’s eyes flicked to her, “You look well.”  
“What are you doing here?” Charlotte said almost immediately.  
“I came back from New York,” Sidney said, pointing the remote to the screen and muting the sound.  
“No I don’t mean New York. I mean here. In this flat,” Charlotte said, stepping into the room.  
“I forgot there was a new roommate in my bed next door and we were meant to kick her out before I got back so when I turned up and needed a place to crash, Mary said I could have the spare room,” Sidney said, looking at Charlotte cautiously, “If that’s okay with you of course.”

Charlotte struggled to fit this piece of information inside herself comfortably. She wanted to say no because she was angry. She also wanted to say it was fine because she didn’t want to let him go again. But she didn’t know how she would cope with him being here now- especially after he had vanished for 790 days without a single call, message, letter, email or even carrier pigeon.

Now he was just there.

Feeling so hopelessly tired, Charlotte rubbed her head and just stood there. She wanted to say so much to him but she also wanted to say nothing at all- her fight gone and her broken bones too heavy to carry her anywhere else tonight. She wasn’t sleepy. She didn’t want to go to bed. She didn’t want to crawl under a rock and hide. She was just tired.

Clearing his throat, Sidney cautiously spoke, “Have you been driving ‘til now?”  
“Why? It doesn’t affect you if I was,” Charlotte said, tilting her head at him and tossing her handbag in the armchair closet to her before dropping into the sofa opposite him, “I just got back from Willingden,” She said.

Exhaling sharply, Charlotte could feel the tears prick in her eyes but told herself she would not cry. Not again. Not in front of him. Sitting up, Charlotte leaned her elbows on her knees and put her head in her hands. Everything ached in a way that Charlotte hadn’t imagined before- like the patched up wings she had been carrying everywhere had finally broken after being clipped for so long.

Watching her, Sidney could tell there was something wrong. Anyone could tell something was wrong if they just stopped to look at her. Sidney could also tell that she was angry with him- not that he could blame her. It made him initially hesitant to say anything to Charlotte- not wanting to push her further, but Sidney couldn’t sit there and watch her break down. He straightened himself up from his slouched seat and comfortingly leaned over to put his hand on her knee.

“What’s up?” Sidney said softly.  
“I’m fine,” Charlotte said quietly.  
“You’re not fine,” Sidney said, “It’s me Charlotte.”  
“Yeah because _you_ know all things Charlotte so well that just upped and left because that’s what you knew Charlotte wanted,” Charlotte said laughing.

Looking up at Sidney, Charlotte just continued to laugh- unable to stop herself, as she felt the air in her lungs become windless and the box in her chest tightened around her like a corset under her skin. Without warning, Charlotte’s laugh became chocked and turned into a wailing cry. The tears flowed freely as her back caved in and without giving it a second thought, Sidney immediately got up and sat beside her- wrapping his arms around her as she muffled her cries into his shoulder.

“I’m tired… I’m so tired,” Charlotte said, the tears starting to stream down her face as she felt like her world had just come undone, “Driving back was horrible, and… and I got zero sleep last night, and I can’t keep track of my head or the thoughts that consume every hour of my day. Like, I keep-” Charlotte stopped herself, gulping to get rid of the lump in her throat before flatly adding, “My grandpa has moved back home again… and I just know this is the last time he’s moving back home. And I know it makes me sad seeing my grandpa like that all the time. A shell of the man he used to be. And I know it makes me sad to see my sister and grandma arguing over nothing because that’s the only way they know how to feel something that isn’t pure terror- tearing each other apart just to know something is in their hearts besides this all-consuming grief and panic and terror that we’ll all be left at any moment. And I know that sad is such a pathetic word to use to describe how I feel because I know I feel more than just sad but there is… there is no other sadness that will do right now.”  
“Pathetically all I have in my bank of words right now is I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” Sidney said, earning him a small laugh from Charlotte as he wiped her wet cheeks.  
“They’ve fitted the house to accommodate his illness, because there will be more incidents,” Charlotte said, feeling the need to overshare as it made her feel better, “It’s going to kill him eventually,” Charlotte said, feeling the cracks in her own voice as she spoke and cleared her throat, “But I don’t know, maybe I’m just using that as an excuse.”  
“What do you mean?” Sidney asked.  
Charlotte shrugged, “I can’t help but feel a little relieved by this whole thing. It’s helped in continuing to give me purpose- another point of familiarity. My granddad’s current state… I’m used to it because I’ve done it before so I’m used to handling it. Working at the Sanditon Gazette, I’m used to it. Living here with people who don’t really know me, I’m used to it.”

Charlotte wasn’t entirely sure where she was coming from or where she was going with this. She hadn’t even thought through those words in the privacy of her own head yet. So she pushed herself off of Sidney and just sat beside him, allowing the ticking hands of the clock be the only noise in the room.

“Sorry,” Charlotte said quietly.  
“Don’t apologise. I like hearing you unfiltered,” Sidney said, smiling warmly, “It makes me realise how well I know.”

Their gazes locked into each other’s. Right, Charlotte thought, that’s why she had kept her head down for the past couple of years because she knew that if she gave the thought a second to breath, the realisation would burn inside her in an instant. But it was true and it seemed inevitable that he would know her. And he did. He knew her in a way that was entirely his own- not like anyone else.

So, Charlotte kept talking- _blowing off steam_ , she told herself.

“Do you know Laurel Thatcher Ulrich?” Charlotte asked.  
Sidney chuckled, “Not personally.”  
“She’s a history professor at Harvard. She coined that quote that Eleanor Roosevelt usually gets all the credit for; Well-behaved women rarely make history,” Charlotte said.  
“Okay?” Sidney said warily, raising an eyebrow.  
“I think about that quote all the time,” Charlotte said.  
“Yeah?” Sidney said, sitting up in his seat and looking at her from the corner of his eye.  
“Yeah,” Charlotte said, taking a breath and exhaling slowly, “I think I’m a really well-behaved woman-” Charlotte interrupted herself. She might have liked staying in a place full of strangers but apparently she also needed the time to just open herself up, “I just feel inadequate when I behave- and when I don’t. And when I don’t- it hasn’t led to anything good, hasn’t made history, I’ve just ended up paying for everything with interest,” Charlotte paused, forcibly making her tone lighter before she continued, “I guess you were right when we were younger. The world is too rough for me.”  
“I was being an asshole!” Sidney said.

Charlotte knew he was- Sidney had always loved to be pseudo Byronic when they were younger. It was one of the things she loved about him. The way that even at only eighteen, he saw the world without the rose tinted glasses and didn’t indulge in the romantic idea of fate. Maybe it was the way her seventeen year old eyes idolised his openness or maybe it was because she thought she could get him to see the invisible strings fate had intertwined between them, but Charlotte knew that his cynicism fit her romanticism like a grounding glove. _Oh to be young and in that grass field again_. The field where the white birds are singing and the air is scented like a rose garden.

Shaking her head, Charlotte reminded herself that she knew Sidney meant well, but was just too low to be amused. Sidney stopped smiling when he noticed the serious look on Charlotte’s face.

“Life is rough. No matter what you do,” Sidney said, “You pay for everything, Charlotte, well-behaved or not, in some kind of currency,” He sighed, “And I doubt the quote was meant for what you’re doing with it.”  
“Life is just, not what I expected it to be at this point,” Charlotte said, recalling the broken cup she thought of last night- the broken cup she now felt represented her life.  
“That’s the problem with expectations,” Sidney said, shifting in his seat, before leaning toward her, “Can I ask you a question? Did you ever take me up on my offer?”  
“What offer?” Charlotte asked.  
“To lie about what happened in The Crown to Edward.”  
Charlotte’s heartbeat picked up, “Why? Are you trying to make a point or are you curious?”  
“Can it be both?” Sidney asked.  
Charlotte couldn’t make out Sidney’s expression- it was almost… hungry. She cleared her throat and said, “Well, I could’ve just told him the truth; we kissed, that would’ve been pretty bad.”  
Sidney smiled, a perfect mix of amusement and tenderness, “But you didn’t tell him.”  
“I let him believe what he wanted to,” Charlotte said, looking down at her lap.  
“Which was what?” Sidney asked.  
“Probably that I’d never do anything like that,” Charlotte mumbled, “You know when I dropped out of university for those six months- just before I came to see at your book launch, it was because Edward’s father took one look at me and decided I wasn’t cut out to be a journalist. And the air just went out of me,” Charlotte paused, playing with the hem of her dress, a broken glass that cannot hold, “I lost my footing and was suddenly in freefall. And now I can’t stop myself thinking it was because he was right. Why else would I be so easy to knock over?”  
“Stop,” Sidney said, putting his hand on her knee.  
“He told me that and it derailed my life, and-”

Charlotte fell silent but the rest of the sentence burned in her throat: _you saved me_. It was only now that she could see it. He rescued her, he swept in, scooped her up, and actually made a difference. And she didn’t even need to call him. It was only because she had spoken to him that night at the Crown that she had decided she could finish her degree- that she would finish her degree, because he knew she was better than the opinion of a sleaze. She knew she was better than the opinion of someone who didn’t even know her.

Sidney leaned in, “He was just some guy who was in a position to hurt you and casually did it. It meant nothing to him. You can’t let it matter to you, still,” Sidney said, his voice near a whisper but it was firm, so sure. “When you just do things to try to prove him wrong, it’s going to stop you from being free. You know what would’ve happened if I listened to all the shit people said about me?”  
One drop of water for my soul. She swallowed, “I thought that’s what you liked about me. That I always listened and did what people expected of me. ”  
Sidney frowned, “No.”  
Charlotte was suddenly increasingly frustrated with this conversation, “What was it then? What did you see?”  
“Someone I wouldn’t have figured out in a week. Someone I wouldn’t mind spending time figuring out. Advanced classes in Charlotte Heywood, and you know how I felt about school,” Sidney said, causing Charlotte to laugh. He continued, “You were already this entire person, it was all inside you. You were the only person who couldn’t seem to see that.”  
Charlotte felt like she had to make a joke, or she’d die, “Like Dorothy.”  
“Click your heels,” Sidney smiled, accommodating her need to feel like she wasn’t the center of attention.  
“My mum always used to says she would’ve stayed in Oz when I was younger,” Charlotte said reminiscently.  
Sidney laughed, “I bet. And how about you?”  
“I don’t know. There’s no place like home,” Charlotte said, “Even if I don’t know where home is yet.”  
“I think it’s a good thing to get to be homesick,” Sidney said.  
“Is that how you felt in New York?” Charlotte asked quietly, turning her eyes to just catch Sidney’s.

Sidney stared at her for a moment. They had spent so long talking about her that he had almost seemed to forget New York- and the jet lag he had brought back from there.

“Yeah. Homesick and able to go anywhere I wanted- just not home,” Sidney smiled, “But New York was good.”  
“Did they not have any working phones… or paper there?” Charlotte asked.  
“They did and I had thought so many times to write to you or to call you but I just couldn’t,” Sidney shrugged.  
“Why?” Charlotte asked quietly.  
“You’re so gentle Charlotte, so soft and gentle like autumn leaves falling but as beautiful as that is, I needed to find a spring in my heart and that meant I had to choose to not subscribe to the things that were killing me,” Sidney said.  
“I was killing you?” Charlotte said, scoffing slightly as she looked at him.  
“Not in the literal sense. But you consumed my every thought. You were in everything I did and I really needed to learn to do things for me- not for you, or anyone else,” Sidney said, “and I did. I learnt so much in New York. I wrote. I found my rhythm. And once things had settled for me, I didn’t want to just burst into your life and ruin your equilibrium.”  
“Yeah,” Charlotte laughed, “Because I’m so stable right now. I change my mind like I’m throwing dice.”

The two of them let the silence consume them once again. It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t sad. It was comfortable and gave them both a moment to think about what they wanted they wanted.

“Changing your mind about what you want to do, doesn’t change who you are Charlotte. I should know,” Sidney said, “Its okay to be uncomfortable for a while. To want the things that you want.”  
“What do you want to do now that your back?” Charlotte asked, immediately wanting to deflect the topic from her.  
“More. Something useful,” Sidney said, “I’m definitely going to stay in publishing- I’ve learnt about it all in New York, but I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like enough sometimes.”  
“You should be proud of everything you’ve done. It’s not been easy for you,” Charlotte said.  
“I had a lot of stuff going on back then,” Sidney shrugged  
“Yeah,” Charlotte said.  
“Stuff I didn’t tell you about,” Sidney added.  
“Yeah.”  
“Stuff I should’ve told you about,” Sidney said, looking at her.  
“Well, I still have those ears. It’s not too late,” Charlotte smiled.

The response came automatically, but Charlotte regretted it almost instantly. The thought of touching on their old issues tonight of all nights was overwhelming. When she saw Sidney open his mouth, Charlotte took his moment of hesitation as an opportunity to talk first.

“My point is, you deserve this Sidney. I’m so happy you finally realise it,” Charlotte said.

Sidney looked a tad bit taken back, Charlotte decided. His eyes were on the verge of darting all over but met hers, as if he was forcing it- holding an appropriate pause. Then he smiled.

“Thanks,” Sidney said, dragging a hand through his hair and picking up the remote control, “Do you want to watch a movie? It usually helps me- something about committing my time for the next two hours puts me right to sleep.”

Charlotte thought about it for a moment but decided she didn’t want the comfort of sorrow to end just yet. She nodded her head and they both moved to more comfortable positions on the sofa. Sidney zapped between the muted channels. Charlotte sat, trying to get used to the proximity of him like this. He had no cologne on like he normally would, so Sidney smelt like himself, and a little bit like bed linen. Charlotte glanced at his plain t-shirt, with holes along the rim, so it was so thin that it was transparent in places, and his pants- Charlotte thought it was strange to see him in sweats.

A minute or so passed.

“You know, I dreamt about Roger dying, a couple years back, took me days to get over it,” Sidney said randomly.  
The thought of it was enough to frighten Charlotte, but she shook it off, “That’ll never happen. He’ll outlive us all out of spite,” Charlotte said.  
“Unfortunately not,” Sidney sighed, “Your grandfather will go too. But not yet.”

The channel changed and Jurassic Park came on. Charlotte and Sidney sat watching the film for a while. The film was more of a background noise for the thoughts that filled their minds but in the middle of the Brachiosaurus scene, Charlotte suddenly spoke.

“When?” Charlotte yawned.  
“I don’t know- I don’t have the power to write that kind of stuff,” Sidney shrugged, leaning back and unmuting the TV. A few minutes passed, “Hey,” he said, “Have you read The Year of Living Biblically?”  
Charlotte shook her head, “I hear good things though. I did read The Five People You Meet in Heaven.”  
“I bet you liked that,” Sidney said, he shoved her shoulder lightly.  
“I’ve read edgy stuff too!” Charlotte protested, “I read God Is Not Great in its entirety and I demand recognition!”  
Sidney laughed, “The reason I ask is because that writer is having a release party for his book on the twelfth.”  
“Yeah?”  
“He’s written this observational compare-and-contrast manuscript on what it’s like being an Irish-catholic from New York travelling the south, and ending with him visiting Dublin, I’m thinking you might like it- we’re doing the release,” Sidney said.  
“If you want me to show up at your party just say so,” Charlotte said playfully, putting her finger to his side and Sidney twisted away from her with a grunt, “I’d come for whatever book you were releasing,” Charlotte said, before she got serious, mumbling while trying to keep it casual. “Are Crowe and Babington going to be there?”  
“No,” Sidney said, his answer was immediate and firm.

She breathed easier and sunk further into the couch. After Sidney left, Charlotte didn’t really speak with Crowe or Babington. Babington and she were still uncomfortable with one another after their conversation at the pub and Crowe seemed to just withdraw- making all their encounters far more awkward than they needed to.

A few more minutes passed.

“You really helped me tonight and it’s like you’re the only one who could,” Charlotte said, just loud enough to be heard, “and it’s not the first time that’s happened either, and it makes no sense to cut that out of my life when I-” Charlotte paused, but knew it was too late to have second thoughts about what she was about to say, “-need it. So what I’m saying is let’s just put a line under summer, our last time as neighbours, the fire escape, New York. We’re a blank page.”

Sidney took her hand and squeezed it tightly. For a moment, Charlotte felt like she had stopped breathing. The intimacy between them felt so rare. So good. Sidney’s hand was warm, the veins visible on the back- even in just TV lighting. Charlotte was hypnotized by them. They made her feel bold enough to look at his face and watch as his gaze locked to their hands too.

As Sidney lifted his head up to look at her, Charlotte tried to smile but thought it hadn’t worked as it felt more like a tremble. Sidney blinked before he pulled one corner of his mouth into a smile, squeezed her hand again and let it go. This was why she kept her head down for the past two years. Why she refused to date or engage with people in more vulnerable ways than one night stands far away from her actual home. But it didn’t make what she felt stir inside her any less untrue.

They deserved to keep each other.

Sidney picked up the remote and returned to looking at the TV. He knew she was in a vulnerable state and he did not want to take advantage of her when she was reaching out her hands to someone she couldn’t actually see yet (he was not the same boy who had left for New York). Sidney was also aware that if he tired something now, Charlotte (and he) would probably regret it once they stopped dancing in their tears. He needed to be care not to turn his phantom heartbreak into a reality- really wanting to make something work this time around.

The movie rolled and Sidney and Charlotte took turns speaking along with the lines. Then they got increasingly quiet. Charlotte had trouble remembering how she wound up on the sofa, how she ended up feeling at ease and why she even needed to. After a while she began to fall down onto one of the cushions and rested her head on one of the arms of the sofa, and pulled up her knees to leave room for Sidney on the other end.

Charlotte remembered nothing until Sidney’s voice was in her ear. _‘I’m gonna carry you_ ’. She could remember the feeling of arms around her. _‘You can’t’_ , she said, or at least she thinks he did, but either way, she was certain she heard a ‘ _Yes I can_ ’.

And then there was a shift and a sudden sense of panic and safety that kept Charlotte under in spite of the fact her brain told her to wake her up. She locked her hands around something, him, some part of him, tensed and was rocked slightly before she sensed her own room closing around them. She saw him like a mirage again. She breathed him in deeply and didn’t wonder why he did this instead of waking her up or leaving her there. Charlotte let it be what she wanted it to be and pretended she knew his mind too. She could have woken up, but that would mean have meant the end of this.

There was a tilt and soft weightlessness. For a few moments there’s just that- a closeness between them, and the released breath of him- heavy from having held onto her. It felt so good to Charlotte and yet she also knew it was not enough- in the darkness of her slumber where she didn’t have to think about what this meant, she could admit that to herself. Then his hands grasped hers and peel them from the skin of his arms and his weight was lifted off her and replaced with soft darkness, and then that disappears too.


	13. Smells Like Teen Spirit

_**14th April 2011** _

Stuffing his hands in his pocket, Sidney looked up at the dewy April sky and thought of how different Sanditon looked to the New York skyline. There were no towering blocks covering the blue shades. There was no concrete concealing the fleeting birds. Just a plain canvas spilled in shades of blue, purple and pink.

They were walking back from a late dinner at a small restaurant on the promenade. Sidney just wanted to eat a sandwich- not having much of an appetite these days but he was reluctantly dragged along to a full course, Italian meal.

Clara was talking about her latest project that was just about to break ground outside of London. Sidney yawned.

“Am I boring you?” Clara asked, raising a playful eyebrow as she looked at him.  
“No. Sorry, I just slept like shit,” Sidney said, pushing his hand through his freshly cut curls.  
“That’s because you work so hard,” Clara said, intwining her fingers through his as they kept on walking.  
“Sorry. Go on. I’m listening,” Sidney said.  
“So, anyways, the places I’ve been to so far in West London are so boring. I mean, they’re basically boot camps for people on their way up- they’re so competitive, the worst kind of people you could imagine, just, living together,” Clara laughed, wrapping her arm tightly around his, “And I thought, they’re so lucky to have found each other because literally no one else would stand them, but they don’t even have the sense to recognise that fact, they just seem to go on keeping their enemies closer.”  
“Sounds like a drag,” Sidney said absently.  
Clara ignored him and continued, “But the places I’ve been to in East London, they’re a bit too familiar if you ask me. Everybody’s sleeping with everyone and you add the concept of family to that and it gets incestuous.”

The two of them rounded the corner of their building. Sidney wasted no time in opening the door to Trafalgar House for Clara and they climbed the stairs as Clara continued talking.

Pulling out her rattling keys from her pocket, Clara smiled as she opened the door to his old flat- saying she’d just drop her bag off and then meet him at Mary’s. She pecked him on the cheek before walking away quickly. Sidney just grunted before entering Mary’s flat and dragged his feet into the place.

Walking into the kitchen, Sidney could see Mary and Tom sat there- Tom drinking a glass of wine as Mary sipped on some orange juice (she was expecting). Smiling as they looked at him, Sidney waved before giving Stringer (who was finishing up the washing by the sink) a quick hello and then walking over to the happy couple so he could properly hug Mary and his brother.

“How are you today Mary?” Sidney said with a smile, looking at Mary’s 3 month bump- it had been one hell of a first trimester.  
“I’m okay. Just tired. I’m going to have to stop working early at this rate,” Mary said tiredly.  
“It will pass soon my love,” Tom said, squeezing Mary’s hand.  
“How’s it been around here today?” Sidney asked, glancing at the empty hole in the kitchen door.  
“Do you mean how has Charlotte been today?” Mary asked with a raised eyebrow.  
“Am I that obvious?” Sidney almost laughed.  
“I know you care deeply for her,” Mary said with a warm smile, “I haven’t seen her come out of her room. Her sister came to stop by and even then, I didn’t see Charlotte.”  
“Should I-“  
“No,” Mary interrupted him, “leave her be. She’ll talk when she’s ready. She’s had a lot going on with her grandpa being on all those ventilators again.”  
“Oh,” Sidney said quietly.

Mary looked at him. She could see the concern wash over him as he looked down at the wooden table. She could see it in the dark holes of his eyes that his mind was thinking about Charlotte- like it did most night.

“Tom,” Mary said, not taking her eyes off Sidney.  
“Yes my love?” Tom said sharply.  
“Could you please get my cardigan from our room?” Mary said, “I’m starting to get cold.”  
“But dear it’s so hot,” Tom said  
“There’s a draft,” Mary said sharply.  
“But there’s no drafts in Sanditon my love,” Tom said.  
“Thomas,” Mary said firmly.

Tom immediately got to his feet and walked away from the kitchen. He knew too well when not to mess with Mary.

“That should give us a minute,” Mary whispered, moving closer to Sidney, “What has happened between you and Charlotte?”  
“What do you mean?” Sidney asked, looking up at her like a deer in headlights.  
“When you came back from New York you seemed determined to win her back. What happened?” Mary asked, her face tight from concern.  
“ _Nothing_ ,” Sidney said in barely a whisper, leaning back in his seat and fiddling with the cork cup coaster on the table.  
“Nothing?” Mary said.  
“Yes nothing. As in I woke up the next morning and went to speak with Charlotte who said that we had nothing between us. So there is nothing,” Sidney said, gulping hard once he’d spat out his words.  
“She said you were nothing?” Mary asked with a raised eyebrow.  
“Yes. She said we were nothing. She even said she needed me to make it easier for her by saying she never mattered. By moving on,” Sidney said, keeping his hands busy as he tried to focused on something other than the anger building inside him.  
“That’s why you got with Clara so quickly,” Mary said, sitting back in her chair.  
“No,” Sidney said, “Clara and I have history.”  
“You alway have history with Willingden girls- for a boring old village, a lot seems to happen there,” Mary said with a smile.  
“Mary that’s not-“  
“My love,” Tom said, placing Mary’s cardigan on her shoulders and letting the words that were left unspoken drift in the air like dust.

As Mary, Tom, Stringer and then Clara (when she rejoined them), kept talking, Sidney thought about Charlotte. Her door was closed when he came in but there was low music sneaking through it. He had wanted to stop to figure out which artist she was listening to- her music reflecting her mood these days, but Sidney had decided against it. It wasn’t his place to know- she had made that abundantly clear.

“Of course, who am I to talk? What with everyone back home in Willingden or even in this town?” Clara said jokingly, siting at the table and sipping on a glass of wine, “Babington and Esther, and maybe it’s just a matter of time before Arthur gives it up to Crowe,” Clara laughed to herself, pulling the bowl of nuts toward hers and taking a handful before pushing it back, “And of course there was Sidney and Charlotte!”

There’s a sting in his chest at her implication. _Was_. A reminder that he did not get to rewrite the pages of his own story. Nonetheless, Sidney forced a smile on his face anyway.

“That was a very long time ago Clara,” Sidney said lowly, all too aware of the other looks around the table.  
Clara stopped mid-motion, “Surely something happened in the last three years?”  
“No,” Sidney said tightly, finally pouring himself a glass of wine, “and I’d rather not talk it.”

Stringer, Mary and Tom all looked at each other with wide eyes and concern. They didn’t understand the dynamics of Clara and Sidney. It was an idea that none of their brains could comprehend, but they didn’t raise their concerns with either of them. They feared their place in Sidney’s life and they feared how Sidney was feeling these days. Clara seemed to be his only tether to any emotion at the moment. That was when Charlotte wasn’t around anyway- and Charlotte wasn’t around very often at all any more.

The conversation around the table shifted direction numerous time that evening and Clara and Sidney finally called it a night around eleven- when the party was truly over and they were both light enough to feel a buzz from the wine.

They followed their usual mundane routine and headed towards Clara’s room (Sidney’s old one).

“Why did you get so funny when I brought up Charlotte and you? It was a joke and it’s not like it was a secret?” Clara said, walking into her room.  
“I just don’t want to talk about who I’m sleeping with-not when I’m 24 and definitely not from when I was 18,” Sidney said, exhaling loudly, “and I don’t think it would be fair on Charlotte either.”  
“Why?” Clara asked as she undid the buttons of top.  
“Probably because she was 17,” Sidney said, rolling his eyes.  
“So?”  
“So for someone like her, that’s young,” Sidney said, feeling himself burn with anger.  
“You weren’t saying that to me when I was 17,” Clara said, stepping out of her pants and wrapping herself in her robe, “and what does that even mean? Someone like her?”  
“Someone not like us,” Sidney said, trying to clarify his point but he was beginning to feel really drawn on the subject.

That explanation apparently worked though because Clara nodded in recognition and seemed to drop the subject as she grabbed a makeup wipe and began to clean her face. Sidney pulled off his shirt and shoes before getting into bed- arranging the pillows to sit and read. The reminder of his youthfulness in Willingden and those nights not spent with Charlotte, were not ones that he had wanted to relive tonight. Or _ever_.

“But you pinned... you waited for her,” Clara said, looking at him with her head tilted, “Inez said she heard you talking in your uncle’s coffee shop back then. You waited for her? All summer?”  
“Inez used to have a big mouth,” Sidney muttered under his breath, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he began to realise she would not drop this matter. He sighed, “So?”  
Clara sat down at the edge of the bed removing her rings and her necklace, “It’s cute. That all.”  
“Stop it,” Sidney said firmly.  
“I just assumed-”   
“Why?” Sidney said.

He couldn’t put his finger on why he was upset- by her asking? by the entire subject? by what never came to pass between him and Charlotte? By the fact that she actually knew the history between all of them?

Clara seemed unbothered by his tone however, and shrugged.

“The way you dropped me that summer after Charlotte actually gave you the time of day. And then again when we first met again those few months back- all that wall punching in the hallway and stuff. I just figured you’d both been serious enough to-” Clara paused and chewed on her lower lip before continuing, “You were just so broken up about it and for that to be over someone you haven’t even been intimate with recently or even had a serious relationship-“ Clara fell silent, notably frustrated with herself as she tapped her nails on the bed frame.

Sidney failed to pinpoint the reason for his own irritation and instead a simple fact, seemingly unattached to anything, flooded his brain. It wasn’t about Charlotte’s body- like her body was some separate entity. It was the fact that the body was attached to her. To Charlotte. He had fallen in love with her mind and had wanted to explore its infinite galaxies so intimately that he craved to leave no corner of her untouched- both body and soul.

Sidney swallowed and looked back at Clara, who was smiling at him teasingly.

“And I have a hard time imagining anyone resisting you- now and back then,” She adds, “I remember all the little girls from the village wanted you.”  
“That was because I showed everyone what I wanted them to see,” Sidney said, “I wasn’t exactly Prince Charming.”  
“Oh, like you needed to be. Not with those looks and definitely not with those hands of yours,” Clara said. She winked at him cheerily- back in her element, but Sidney didn’t match her mood, “I didn’t know it was a sore subject.”  
Sidney stifled a sigh, “It’s not,” he said lightly, “It just. That was a long time ago and I don’t want to dig up the past.”  
“Yeah. Well, when she walks around with a sulk all the time and gives my boyfriend a weird look as if we were all back to being seventeen- or your case eighteen, and like I’ve stolen her boyfriend, then we’re going to have problem.”  
“Clara,” Sidney said firmly.  
“Fine,” Clara said, holding up her hands, “I’ll jump in the shower,” She said, and exited the room.

Sidney picked up a book but ended up reading the same page several times while his thoughts from earlier pushed against the walls of his brain again. He ached. The same way he used to back in Willingden. He ached from the fact that the thoughts were attached to _her_. They were _her_. They were where _she_ lived. They were where _she_ was alone. His and only his. That was what made this a struggle for him. Just a few months ago he had carried his thoughts. He had carried _her_ \- held _her_ so close.

Closing his eyes, Sidney listened for the whisper of _her_ music intermingling with the murmur from the water pipes. _She_ had never sounded more beautiful in his mind. Like a breath of fresh air

Fifteen empty minutes passed and Clara reappeared in her robe. Her eyelashes were stuck together from the wet. She rubbed a towel over her short hair as she glanced at him.

“Hey babe,” Clara said, causing Sidney to groan inwardly (he really hated that word).  
“Yeah,” Sidney grunted, not looking up from the page he had given up trying to read.  
“Sidney I thought we could have a little fun,” Clara smirked- inching closer to him.  
“Clara-”  
“Yes,” Clara said.

Breathing heavily against her skin, Clara put her arms around Sidney’s waist, a hand under his shirt and along his back. As she leaned in to kiss his lips, Sidney responded to it- more out of habit than because he wanted to. He tried to return her passion with his own- letting the room quiet down even if his head wouldn’t.

 _Maybe I can drown it out_. Sidney thought.

But as Clara began to move more freely along his skin, Sidney couldn’t help but feel like his thoughts were too consumed with someone else for this to be fair to anyone.

“I’m actually really tired,” Sidney said, pulling back and adding in a yawn for good measure, “rain check?”


	14. Waterloo Sunset

_**15th April 2011** _

It was hours later and Sidney still couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t really been able to sleep for a while now. He’d love to have blamed the unusually warm British heat but he was too tired for self deception. He was wearing enough masks during the day and he didn’t want to have to wear them at night as well- when the world was sleeping and he could tip toe his way silently through as himself.

Clara was sleeping next to him on her edge of the bed. She was wearing some shorts and his T-shirt with the linen kicked down to the bed end. Her hair was still sticking to her temples.

Sidney just thought about how funny life was. He had had a fling with Clara in Willingden- before Charlotte had even given him the time of day back then. She alway knew exactly which buttons to press to help him forget his woes or push him over the edge. Clara often drew out the worst of him but Sidney alway went back when he needed someone to boost his ego- and Clara had always been good at making him think his pseudo Byronic act was more attractive than asshole.

The window was open and the sounds from the street - the odd car passing, distant waves, stray voices echoing through the alleys - filled up the room. Sidney got up and slipped a t shirt from the ground over his torso. That was the one thing he missed most about his miniscule New York flat: that he could walk around any which way as he pleased and be exactly where he wanted or grab exactly what he wanted.

Stepping out in the hallway, Sidney yawned widely as he quietly opened the front door to Mary’s flat. He just wanted to go back to his bed and wallow about the fact that he couldn’t be with the person he really wanted to be with.

_Dam timing._

Rubbing his tired eyes, Sidney was about to go straight into his room when he felt a draft and looked up to notice Charlotte’s room door was open. Sidney had assumed she would be sleeping with the door open for some extra ventilation and he couldn’t blame her.

Unable to resist himself, Sidney slowly stepped closer to her door and peeked through the slit to search the room. He knew it was the wrong thing to do and a complete invasion of her privacy but he couldn’t help himself. Sidney craved to see her- it had been so long since he had last seen her face that he was beginning to wonder if he had dreamed her up from the Pandora’s box in his mind.

He was about to move on when he couldn’t see her in bed but then he saw a silhouette on the fire escape- her silhouette.

Charlotte had her back to the room- face to face with the small city. The light from the diming street lights and rising sun contoured the edges of her. There was that pull in him- the one that frayed him at the ends. He needed to get closer- before the aching in his heart worsened.

Without hesitation, Sidney felt like he was floating towards her. He didn’t even have to think if this was a good idea. Of course it probably wasn’t, but he needed it. He needed to do it. It would fill him with enough happiness to last him another six months (at least) and really, he had no control of himself.

_She was like gravity._

“Charlotte?” Sidney said in a loud whisper.

No matter how gentle his voice was, it was was enough to make Charlotte jerk at the sound. She pulled her head up from the metal bar on which it was resting and looked over her shoulder at him- her breath catching for a moment as she snapped out of her thoughts and began to recognise his familiar features.

“Why are you awake?” Sidney asked, looking at her curiously.  
“Why are you up?” Charlotte said, rubbing her tired eyes.  
“I asked you first.”

Sidney was standing at the window. He glanced around the room for a few seconds and noticed that the room was much barer than he remembered. The photo frames were no longer on her desk. The books were no longer stacked and overflowing around the room. Turning back to the window, Charlotte was in a pair of shorts and a jean jacket covering whatever top she had on underneath. She was sat on the edge of the fire escape, her arms and chin resting on the metal bar and her legs swinging over the side.

Hearing him step out onto the metal grate, Charlotte moved a bit to the side and made room for him. Sidney carefully climbed across to her and sat next to Charlotte.

“Is that my jacket?” Sidney asked quietly as he looked at the Levi’s jacket that wrapped Charlotte’s frame. He was certain he could still smell his distinct smell of cigarettes and coffee laced with her. He looked down onto the street, smiling at himself.  
Charlotte looked down at the jacket tiredly before looking up at the sky, “sorry. I forgot it was yours. I kind of adopted it after you left and don’t seem to be able to let it go.”  
“It’s fine,” Sidney said, “it looks good on you.”

Biting his bottom lip, Sidney just sat there and watched Charlotte for a few moments. She looked tired. So tired like she hadn’t slept in weeks. Her usually porcelain skin looked like it had been chipped because of the lines that were beginning to form. Her usual (forced) smile was no longer there- her lips too motionless to smile (or frown it seemed).

“Are you okay?” Sidney asked, “You’ve been so... busy that I haven’t seen you in months.”  
“Yeah,” Charlotte said in barely a whisper. Her eyes were closed as she soaked in the bracing air.  
“Charlotte,” Sidney said softly, looking at her with a sense of aching. She looked so unlike herself- like a child newly born and scared as it braced itself for the new, open world.  
“I’m okay. I’m not fine.. I am okay though and I will be fine... eventually,” Charlotte said softly, keeping her eyes firmly shut.  
“What are you doing by the edge? I thought you didn’t like it,” Sidney said.  
“Everyone kept telling me to move- on, forward, back, so I did and I just ended up here,” Charlotte said, pressing her face further into the metal as she struggled to hold herself up.  
“Let’s move back a little,” Sidney said.  
“Why?”  
“Because you could fall,” Sidney said, reaching his hand to grab hers, but Charlotte pulled it back.  
“I almost did,” Charlotte said, “well not fall. More like jump. I sat here and I thought about going all the way down. Just free falling. I was so scared that everything I was doing was wrong and disappointing that... and I would have just followed my fears all the way down there so they would be silenced but...yeah.”  
“But what?” Sidney said.  
“My sister popped up in my head again and I remembered that I couldn’t be sad or upset or broken. Not when everyone was depending on me,” Charlotte said, looking up at him with tear filled eyes and a forced smile, “Sorry. You probably have somewhere more important to be. You should go.”  
“I don’t have anywhere that’s more important than right here... right now,” Sidney said with a warm smile.

Sighing, Charlotte wiped the stained tears on her cheeks with the back of her hands and rested her head on Sidney’s shoulder. She had bottled everything up so tightly for so long that she just needed a second to let it feel unreal. Like Sidney still felt so unreal to her.

“Take my mind off it. Tell me something- anything,” Charlotte said with a soft smile.  
“I used to live in Sanditon when I was a little boy. One of the first houses I remember me and my sisters Susan and Diana and my brother Tom staying in, is around here,” Sidney said.  
“Really?” Charlotte said.  
“Yeah. It’s about 30 minutes from here. Near the cliff tops,” Sidney gestured vaguely with his hand.  
“I could use a walk,” Charlotte said, sitting up and looking at him.

There was omething eerie about her voice, like it was balancing on some kind of edge. Sidney turned his head to her and just stared.

“Now?” Sidney asked, feeling a bit confused.

They looked at each other for a moment, and something just shifted into place in him. This place was starting to feel like a cage and Charlotte no longer wanted to feel like a clipped bird. He understood that, having gone for many walks in the middle of the night- it had just never occurred to him to invite someone along.

“Okay,” Sidney said.

They climbed back inside. Charlotte stepped into her ankle boots and tied up her messy hair as Sidney put on a hoodie that he wouldn’t need for anything other than to carry his cigarettes and keys. He laced up his old converses- worn and torn at the heels, and followed Charlotte out of the flat.

As they began to go down the hall steps, Sidney stuffed his hands into his pockets and held back a bit as Charlotte practically skipped down the stairs. Not saying a word. Not looking back at him. Just humming as she went all the way down. Sidney smiled at her genuine excitement.

Stepping out onto the pavement, Charlotte let out a silent, breathy laugh as Sidney stood next to her. Her head felt light and she was certain she was beginning to lose her mind but for once she didn’t care. She wanted to go a little mad.

“What time is it even?” Charlotte giggled as she turned to look at Sidney, feeling free now that she wasn’t behind a steering wheel, in a crisp white hospital room or the four wall of a brick building.  
“So late it’s early,” Sidney responded, baffled by Charlotte’s behaviour, “are you really okay Charlotte? Are you sure you want to do this?”  
“Yes Captain,” Charlotte said firmly, lazily saluting Sidney, before she started walking down the pavement.  
“Other way then Admiral!” Sidney almost shouted as he shook his head and laughed.

They walked and just observed life for a few moments. Passing through mostly empty streets, a few after parties of different varieties, some places were still open, a couple were about to, and one that never closed. The facades of the buildings were peppered by open windows. There was very little traffic, and when they crossed the vacant streets, Sidney glanced at her just to make sure she was actually still there and no a figment of his imagination. Charlotte looked around, smiled, and seemed almost dazed.

The lush greens of spring reached across the streets, sometimes blocking the sky. Charlotte moved closer to a tree trunk and ran a finger over carvings in the bark.

“Hey, have you read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn?” She asked, smiling widely.  
“Years ago.”  
“How did you like it?”  
He smiled, “What do you think?”  
She turned her face toward him and squinted. Sidney stopped walking and squinted back as Charlotte said, “Can I answer after you’ve shown me the place?”  
He laughed, “Sure. If you wanna play it safe.”

She leaned her body into Sidney’s to gently shove him and laugh. Sidney wasn’t ashamed to admit he enjoyed it a little too much.

They keep walking. They had past all the shops now and the streets had turned from cobbles to work-down grass that began to carry them uphill.

“So, where else have you lived? I knew you lived in London briefly. Then Wales when you went to Monmouth. And of course your brief stint in Willingden,” Charlotte said.  
“Well, after Sanditon my dad left and we moved to Fort Augustus all the way up in Scotland- mum wanted to get as far away from the south coast as possible, but we didnt stay there long. Mum struggled to cope with us all... maybe two weeks after Arthur was born,” Sidney said, throwing his hoodie over his shoulder, “So then we moved down to Sussex. When mum wanted to get dad to take more responsibility, we moved to Peckham in London and then Greenford so we could be closer to Kensington but still afford to live-“ Sidney paused, his mind working over time as he had to go to those private places in his mind to remember; which was probably why he didn’t talk about it much, “-then when dad had had enough of us-mainly me, he packed up my bags and shipped me off to boarding school in-”  
“Wales. From where you spent summers either in Spain with your sister Susan or with your dad in Kensington. Then Willingden,” Charlotte filled in.  
Sidney smiled- he didn’t mind remembering certain places, “Yeah. Then Willingden,” he said with a desire to escape back there through the portal of his memories before snapping the thought from his mind, “But after some more travelling between the seas, I came back to Sanditon. My mum came back here to live in Sanditon when she got ill- before she passed away. I stayed in Sanditon for those few months after my book got published.”  
“Oh gosh yes! Your uncle told me about that- Roger was so proud of you,” Charlotte said, slapping her forehead playful as she wondered how she could forget- that was how she knew where to find him a few years back now.

They crossed the track and walked a bit further up hill. When they reached the top, Charlotte and Sidney could immediately see the vast build in front of them. The building was covered in some scaffolding but its grandness could be seen for miles away. Slowly walking to the front of the house, Charlotte and Sidney could see that the bricks were quite exposed but still looked strong. The low metal gates at the front were rusted (as were the hinges of the door, Charlotte noticed as they reached it).

“Here it is,” Sidney said.  
Charlotte’s body shifted as she eyed the place from ground to top (as best as she could), “Doesn’t look too bad,” she said.  
“Yeah, well, ten years ago it was a shithole,” Sidney mumbled, “roaches climbing the walls- both people and actual roaches, barely functioning plumbing and all kinds of crap on the path around it. The sea being so close was nice though and of course having the cliff tops all to ourselves for a few hours a day was a joy, even then,” Sidney said, nodding his head in the direction of the sea, “the sea was a lucky escape. It washed away the stains of the house in a way.”  
“You didn’t like it? Living here? Like actually in there?” Charlotte asked.  
Sidney shrugged, “I was a kid, kids are resilient,” Kids are adaptable, was the correction he snuck into his head. Sidney raised his voice slightly, “My mum was nuts, but she fit in here. The people around us back then also took good care of us kids.” 

Sidney’s memories were hazy at best, and there was no use dwelling on them. They were the past and he knew he had come to dislike the place just from knowing better- but it could have been a lot worse. He could have been in that huge house all by himself. He could have been kept in his room away from Susan and Diana who both helped keep him sane. He could have been struck regularly like Tom instead of just insulated and banished away for weeks at a time. It all just depended on which side of the tightrope he was balancing on that day.

Sidney hadn’t thought about his childhood in Sanditon much at all lately and he hadn’t been by here despite how close it was ever since he had decided to permanently move here. He couldn’t help but try to recall if he had even told Clara, Eliza or anyone about this place, and hated the mere thought.

_Why was he down this road with Charlotte? What was he trying to do?_

“You moved around so much,” Charlotte said, drawing him back to her. “I’ve only ever lived in two places, no, four; my parents farm, my grandparents, at Oxford, and… here.”  
“The nomad thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If you’re miserable, then it’s miserable everywhere,” Sidney grunted as he looked up at the house and saw the windows to his old bedroom. He sometimes wished he could be back in that room, writing his poems and short stories about the boy who dove into the sea and weaved gold string into the sea so he could turn every sip of water into a fountain of wealth- both in knowledge, ideas, stories and money.  
Charlotte sighed, “It just seems like such an adventure.”  
“And it was,” he admitted, “just not a very nice one.”  
“Were you miserable?”  
Sidney cleared his throat, “Yeah.”   
“I didn’t enjoy life on the road during my internship that much either,” Charlotte said, “I guess it didn’t feel like my kind of adventure.”  
“And now?”  
“Now, I’m just scattered and a bit lost,” Charlotte said, following as he walked along the path back to the creaky metal gates. They swayed another few steps, before she asked, “How about you?”  
“I’m not miserable,” Sidney said with a smile, “Feeling very disjointed but not miserable.”  
“Good,” Charlotte said, nodding her head, “Although I feel like we should aim higher than ‘not miserable’.”

He chuckled, but considered it. He hasn’t been unhappy for a while, at least not like he used to be. Since about a few years back, Sidney had been at some sort of relative peace, but then he moved to Sanditon. He hadn’t even thought about it before- he just always felt this way in this city: antsy, a bit on edge, ready for something. When he lived here earlier, that was just the way it felt to be alive. 

“Probably”, Sidney said with a soft smile as he glanced at her, “While we’re on places; How are you liking your room?” He asked.  
“Fine,” Charlotte said, biting her bottom lips. There was a pause, “It’s a good room.”  
“Objectively,” Sidney added in helpfully.  
“It was a great space,” Charlotte said quietly.  
“It was very empty when I saw it earlier,” Sidney said, “a lot of books lighter.”  
“It’s the way the change of the winds is taking me,” Charlotte smiled tightly.

Sidney raised an eyebrow but decided to drop the topic when Charlotte turned her head away from him. He would ease her into it later.

As they kept taking steps around the perimeter of his old home, Sidney had an impulse to turn and walk back, but nailed his feet to the path- waiting for Charlotte to make whatever move she pleased. She frowned at the building and glanced at him. For a second it looked like she was going to raise a hand to touch him, but she didn’t. Instead she smiled a little bleakly at him and turned- starting to walk along the cliff tops. Sidney was relieved and followed her eagerly.

“So, what are your plans for the next few months?” Charlotte asked, “I heard you had a fancy book tour coming up? What’s this one called and I do hope the author will be signing copies?”  
Sidney chuckled, cuffing his hands together behind his back as he kept a slow pace with her, “I think the author could be persuaded to do that,” Sidney said, “I will be travelling in a couple of weeks across America for a jam packed few weeks and then I’m hoping to holiday in Europe for the summer with the boys and Clara.”  
“The boys and Clara,” Charlotte repeated softly.  
Sidney stopped in his steps, feeling stupid for even bringing anyone else up in their moment, “sorry. I didn’t mean-“  
“Its fine. Clara is quite different from when we’re teens in Willingden,” Charlotte said, looking at the ground as she continued to walk.  
“She’s not that different it turns out,” Sidney said, looking at the shores as the sun slowly slipped up from in between the sheets of the water.  
“Why did you do it?” Charlotte asked.  
“What?” Sidney asked, finally looking at her as he chewed on his bottom lip nervously.  
“Clara?”  
“You told me you didn’t want me,” Sidney said quietly, “You told me I had to accept things and move on. Not to fight for you. And I didn’t fight because every time I used to fight, you told me I was brave- and I didn’t feel brave any more. I felt like an idiot for turning up at your door in the morning with coffee and not even letting you speak as I spilled my feelings to you.... for you to just reject me. Tell me we were nothing. I was hurt. I was weak.”  
“It sounds stupid but I thought you’d wait for me,” Charlotte said solemnly, “for longer than a week anyway.”  
“You didn’t ask me to,” Sidney said.  
“I know,” Charlotte said lowly.  
“Clara just turned up like a figment of my worst intentions when I really felt the sting of it all,” Sidney said, “she alway has had that sort of timing with me.”  
“I know,” Charlotte said quietly.

They walked along grass, towards the edge of the cliff top. They both knew they should have started to walk back but neither of them wanted to. They liked the companionable cord that ran between them and they didn’t want it to snap just yet.

“I’m sorry,” Charlotte whispered, standing at the edge of the cliff top and looking out.  
“Please don’t,” Sidney said, looking at her with pleading eyes.  
“I am though,” Charlotte said, “for summer. For what happened at the Crown. For what happened when you came back from New York. For Clara.”  
“Charlotte it’s fine,” Sidney said quickly, not wanting this moment to be ruined by the truth.  
“It’s not fine. That summer I acted like I hated you when I I didn’t. Then when I finally admitted it, it was too late-“  
“That was my fault. I was a child,” Sidney said.  
Charlotte ignored him and continued, “then when I turned up drunk at your book signing. I’m really sorry about that. That was your night and I really was- really am, proud of you for that. So I’m sorry. For falling all over you at the Crown. For trying to kiss you. For trying to do more when you took me back to your hotel room. I thought it was only fair to use you after you just left me without a word all those years before- making me feel like you had just used me. But it wasn’t. It was never okay and then to try and blame you for it when you were being so kind to me... I’m have so many regrets about that.”  
“Charlotte you really don’t need to apologise,” Sidney said insistently.  
“Oh but I do. I really need to apologise,” Charlotte said, “and I need to explain it. I need you to know why I did it. Like when you came back from New York. That night I would have... I would have put a lasso around the moon and pulled it down if you had asked me to... but my grandmother called me in the morning and told me I had to come back home. That my grandpa had taken a turn. He was in the hospital with all these tubes and she told me she needed me- she’s never said that to me before. That she actually needed me. And I felt like I couldn’t let her down.”  
“Charlotte I could have helped. I can help,” Sidney said taking her hand.  
“I know... but my life... I blamed you so much for just getting up and leaving. For not sticking around... I couldn’t start something with you when I was going to do the same thing,” Charlotte said, “when I was going places.”

Sidney and Charlotte stood there paralysed for a few moments- Sidney’s hand tightly wrapped around hers. He was desperate to change the conversation but every thought he had started and ended with this. With her.

“That’s why the books were gone,” Sidney said quietly.  
“I’ve spent a lot of the last six month in Willingden. Driving there after work every evening and retuning every morning to work before doing it all over again. I couldn’t abandon Sanditon - not when frayed ends were still hanging in the cords that tied me to here,” Charlotte said through the lump in her throat, “but I have to leave. So I packed up my room slowly so that it would start to feel real.”  
“You don’t have to carry the weight of all of this by yourself Charlotte,” Sidney said with pleading eyes, “please let me share your load.”  
“Your leaving yourself. And I can give you a thousand reasons why this won’t work,” Charlotte said.  
“And I can give you one as to why it will,” Sidney said, clutching her cheeks in the palm of his hands, “because I love you. I love you. I love you.”  
Charlotte smiled weakly, sniffling to clear the tears that were threatening to fall, “we’re passing ships in the night at the moment Sidney. Please... let me go.”

They walked the rest of the way home quietly, knowing that if they spoke, they would just be running rings around one another.

Sidney held up the door for her but had to wait for a couple of minutes while Charlotte stood on the pavement, looked around at the building and lifted her face to the morning sky- a silly smile on her face. She turned to him with the smile intact and his heart beat faster.

Charlotte finally entered the house and they climbed the stairs. His feet felt heavy and suddenly Sidney started hoping he could finally catch some sleep- hoping it might erase this sorry mess he had once again created for himself.

Sidney unlocked the door to Mary’s flat and immediately threw his hood onto the coat rack- it was still too warm in the flat. Charlotte waited for him and didn’t move when he was done. Sidney raised his eyebrows at her in some attempt to say goodbye when she hesitantly put her hand to his shoulder. Sidney looked at it- resting against his t-shirt, and then at her face.

“You know,” Charlotte said, her voice low before it trailed off completely.  
Sidney squinted his eyes at her, “What?”  
Charlotte shrugged, “Whenever I’m in Sanditon, ever since we met I just- I think about you when I’m here. I’ve wondered where you’ve stayed. Which places are yours, I- I know it’s silly, but I just do,” Charlotte said, pulling her hand back.  
Sidney almost couldn’t bear the removal of her warm hand as it felt like a clear ending and he didn’t want it to end, “I suppose I’m the same way,” He mumbles.  
Charlotte chuckled, “Yeah, whenever you’re in Willingden-”  
“No, it’s less-” Sidney begins but interrupts himself- feeling as though at this moment, she needed to feel his heartbeat, “It’s more from the inside out with me. I’ll read a book or hear a song and just- I think about Willingden a lot.”

Charlotte looked away. 

“Mad and moonly, right?” Sidney mumbled.  
Charlottes cheeks were pink- he could tell, even in the dark hallway. She shook her head, “Or completely sane and sunly. You would think about Willingden, I mean with Roger and everything, it’s only natural.”  
“Yeah. When I moved there it was just another stupid place, and then I met you. You’d only ever lived there, and you didn’t seem miserable,” Sidney said.  
“I guess I wasn’t,” Charlotte smiled.  
“But I wasn’t talking about Roger. I was talking about you, you stupid girl. You don’t seem to understand the spell you have me under. The way my heart beats to the sound of your drum. You are in everything and yet... you are in nothing because we’re meant to be nothing,” Sidney said,  
Charlotte felt the wind get punched out of her chest from his words. She cleared her throat and said, “Thank you. For telling me.”  
“A bit too late, but still-“  
“But I still have those ears,” Charlotte said with a smile.  
“Good ears,” Sidney laughed lowly.  
”And it’s not too late,” Charlotte said.  
“I haven’t lost you?” Sidney said breathlessly.  
“No,” Charlotte said.

Grabbing hold of his hand, Charlotte squeezed it as she locked her eyes with his. For a minute they just stood their, their eyes unable to peel away from the other. Charlotte thought that if she stood there long enough, then like a scent, she could bottle this moment forever. Sidney squeezed her hand back- too afraid to let go.

“I’m gonna say you loved it so much that you hated it a little,” Charlotte whispered.  
“What?” Sidney said in confusion.  
“The book,” Charlotte smiled.

Sidney wanted to kiss her- badly. He reluctantly let go of her hand and took a step further into the flat-putting some distance between them to prevent himself from doing that as he was sure she would not want him to.

“I guess you’d be right, or maybe it was the other way around, I get a little confused on chronology of stuff like that,” Sidney said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Charlotte followed him down the hallway. Sidney could hear her behind him as she yawned. They reached her door and he turned to her, smiling.

“There you are Admiral. Back in with the dawn,” Sidney said.  
“Thank you captain,” Charlotte smiled, looking at her door reluctantly.  
“When do you move out?” Sidney asked.  
“Tomorrow. Or should I say today considering the hour,” Charlotte said.  
“So soon?” Sidney said.  
“I’m technically six months late,” Charlotte joked weakly.  
“Do Mary and Tom know?” Sidney asked.  
“I told them last night after you left. They were sad but they understand,” Charlotte said.  
“Well then,” Sidney said, almost at a loss of words as he looked down at the floor- unable to look at her.  
“Well then. I guess this is it,” Charlotte said,  
“Goodnight Charlotte.”

Sidney turned on his heels to walk to his room but was startled when he felt her warm hand around his wrist and his feet turning back towards her. He couldn’t mentally compute it when he felt her lips crash into his. Her warm lips pressing into his with such need and desire.

Taking a step closer to him, Charlotte pressed her small body against his as she deepened their kiss- slipping her tongue into his mouth as he wrapped his hands through her hair.

The two kissed passionately for what felt like hours but only a mere few minutes before Charlotte pulled her head back- still resting her hand on his chest. Their breathed were restless, panting lining the walls of the hallway as they just stared into the windows to their hearts.

“I did that for me,” Charlotte said lowly, “so you were in no doubt about my feeling before I had to leave.”  
“Okay.”  
“I want to be with you but I knew since the day you got back that I had to pack up and leave. I couldn’t pull you along like a puppet on a lonely string- especially not whilst my whole world seemed to be caving in on itself... seems to be caving in on itself. But I really do want to be with you.”  
“Why are you telling me?”  
“Because if we do this again. If we try. That will be it. There won’t be another chance.”  
“Okay,” Sidney said, caressing her cheek, “then if we only get one shot... where does that leave us now?”  
“I don’t want us to make a promised lie,” Charlotte said, “so how about instead of goodbye we just say until next time and the throw the dice and let fate decide.”

Sidney pondered on the thought of it. The hope that some serendipitous event would occur and pull them back together. But what was the alternative- to say no? To not even give fate a helping hand?

Clearing his throat, Sidney said, “until next time Charlotte.”  
“Until next time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone so much for your kind engagement with this story. It has meant a lot to me and I really appreciate it. 
> 
> I will not be posting Monday or Tuesday due to some commitments but I will be back soon to start wrapping up this story (not long to go now).
> 
> Again thank you so much xoxo


	15. August (Part I)

_**6th June 2003** _

Walking through the bookshop, Charlotte ran her fingers along the edge of each shelf as she searched for her next adventure. With her exams all finished and the summer holidays about to start, Charlotte knew she needed to get her reading list in order and could not wait to find solace for a few hours in the day (grandma Susan and Alison continuously at one another’s throats and grandpa getting too old to play referee).

Prowling through the “B” author section for The Da Vinci Code, Charlotte’s head was in the clouds as she thought of the reviews she had just read about what a fantastic page turner it was. Resting her hand on the shelf for a second, Charlotte carefully read the spins as she looked for ‘br’.

“Ahhh,” Charlotte jumped from fright as she felt a sudden touch on her hand.

Instantly drawing her hand back, Charlotte’s chest beat up and down quickly like a basketball in play and looked down at her hand near her chest. As she felt her breath steady, Charlotte looked up with a scowl to see a howling Sidney on the other side of the book shelf, through the empty slits of the books. He was particularly amused.

“You asshole,” Charlotte gritted through her teeth.  
“You’re just so easy to get,” Sidney said between chuckles.  
“Don’t you have something better to do than annoy me- yet again?” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes as she grabbed a copy of Brown’s novel.  
“But your just so much fun to irritate,” Sidney practically sung, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Pushing her tongue against the inside of her cheek in frustration, Charlotte just shook her head before she started walking away. She had never found Sidney to be annoying before- perhaps because he usually only stayed for a few weeks for easter or the summer and she rarely saw him. Sidney usually just helped his uncle on the farm or was off hiding somewhere but this summer, he had been like a moth to her flame; popping up everywhere.

Charlotte walked away quickly but Sidney skipped a few steps and stayed close to her- knowing that if he followed her closely enough, he could get under her skin and he particularly enjoyed it when he did.

“Da Vinci code huh?” Sidney said, curiously eyeing up the book under her arm.  
“Why?” Charlotte said, turning to look at the box of newly delivered books to see if there was anything else to add to her reading collection.  
“Nothing,” Sidney said coyly, scratching his jaw.  
“There’s never nothing with you,” Charlotte exhaled loudly, filing through her options.  
“It’s a great book,” Sidney said, shrugging casually as he shifted through the stacks of book in front of him.  
“But?” Charlotte said, tilting her head.  
“But?” Sidney raised a clueless eyebrow.  
“Spit it out Parker,” Charlotte said in annoyance.  
“Just it feels very cliche. Everyone’s reading it these days. I thought you’d go for something else,” Sidney said, “be a bit more adventurous.”  
“I am adventurous,” Charlotte protested instantly.  
“Your so not,” Sidney smiled.  
“I could be,” Charlotte said, resting her hand on her hip, “you don’t know me.”  
“I’ve been here a while now Charlotte,” Sidney said with a mischievous smile, “I might know you better than you think.”

Looking at him, Charlotte pressed her lips together to form a thin line to try and prevent herself from screaming at him. Closing her eyes, she exhaled before excusing herself. He usually goaded her when she went to get her morning cup of black coffee from uncle Roger’s, but she wouldn’t let him get under her skin. Not this time.

Sidney followed her closely again as Charlotte made her way to the front desk. She could feel his burning eyes on her but every time she looked over her shoulder, he instantly looked very interestingly at the ceiling.

“Isn’t Roger looking for you anyway? Why are you here?” Charlotte said in frustration.  
“I’m avoiding him,” Sidney said nonchalantly.  
“Work shy much?” Charlotte said in a sing-song.  
“My waiting for you here worked out so not that shy,” Sidney said sarcastically.  
“That’s not work. That’s called being a stalker,” Charlotte said, putting her purse into her canvas bag and picking up her book, “especially when it happens like clockworks almost every other day.”  
“Maybe I just find you a fascinating muse,” Sidney said, raising an eyebrow.

Charlotte shook her head and laughed as she walked out of the book shop onto the cobble street, and began to walk through the middle of Willingden’s small village centre. The air was scented with liquorice as the season began to come into bloom.

“To be a muse I need to inspire something more than just creepiness,” Charlotte said, waving at an elderly resident sat on a bench as she walked past.  
“Maybe I am inspired to do something more,” Sidney said, before clearing his throat and saying in a pitch too high, “you don’t know me.” The mischievous smile had returned to his face.  
“Okay smart Alec,” Charlotte said, turning on her heels to look at him, “the floor is your,” she mock bowed in front of him, “please share your talent on wide one.”  
“I’m a shy guy. I can’t just share my soul under these conditions,” Sidney said, dramatically putting his hand on his heart.  
“You’ve got nothing,” Charlotte said, squinting her eyes to try and read him but deciding to just turn around and walk away.  
“So we’ll do this again tomorrow?” Sidney shouted with a wide smile on his face.  
“Bye Sidney,” Charlotte yelled back, eyes firmly ahead and a shy smile creeping onto her face.

***

_**8th June 2003** _

Clara was sat in the passenger seat of the worn car- or at least most of her was. Her long short-clad legs were hanging out the window, and untied converses were bumping lazily against the door handle- out of time with the song on the radio.

Sidney wanted to say something clever, something that would make Clara look at him and laugh. He alway felt like he needed to be on show when he was with her- like a clown performing in the circus. Maybe it was because of the way they behaved around each other- like trophies on each other’s arms at parties, or maybe it was because of way they had laid the foundations of their friends- casual on all accounts. Whatever it was, Sidney knew he couldn’t say anything real or meaningful because Clara wouldn’t understand. Most people rarely did. So he put on the performance he needed to- wearing other people’s face as a mirror for himself.

"So where do you think you’ll go after the summer is over babe?” Clara asked.  
“Don’t know,” Sidney grunted, internally screaming at the casual use of the pet name he detested but she would drop far too often.  
“You must have some idea babe,” Clara said insistently, “surely you must have plans for uni or something?”  
“A gap year is the current plan. So we’ll see where the wind takes me,” Sidney said, shrugging as he focused on the winding road.  
“Gap year? You could go sea diving in Bali or maybe visit Europe. I’ve alway wanted to go to Italy- maybe I could join you during the holidays and we could travel together,” Clara said excitedly, turning her head to look at him.  
“Hey, do you think Inez saw us?" Sidney said absently, shifting the gear of the car.

Sidney didn’t even look over at her. Clara wasn’t even sure if he’d heard her question- his focus seeming to be entirely on whether they’d been seen again. Holding a breath, Clara chewed on a stray strand of hair that fell out of her ponytail before reluctantly answering.

“Behind your uncle Rogers coffee shop? If Inez saw us, the whole village is gonna know babe. You know she can't keep her big mouth shut,” Clara said with a slight laugh.

Clara knew Sidney didn’t care what the whole village knew. It was alway just about one person and Clara could never understand why. Why did Sidney crave the attention of someone who dismissed him so frequently? Especially when she was so willing to cancel all her plans for him and meet him whenever he wanted? And yet, Sidney did.

And that person was never, ever going to be Clara.

"Who cares?" Clara said, trying to sound unconcerned, “Everybody knows you can't believe a word Inez says. And anyway what would she have seen? Us driving around? That's not a crime."  
"Mmm,” Sidney said absently.  
“Your so transparent Sidney,” Clara scoffed in the passenger seat.  
“What?” Sidney said, rolling his eyes, “what’s the problem now?”  
“What’s alway the problem?” Clara muttered, pulling her legs back into the car and siting up more stiffly.  
“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking,” Sidney said frustratedly.  
“ _Her_!” Clara shouted.  
“Who?” Sidney said dumbfound.  
“Charlotte, Sidney. It’s alway Charlotte,” Clara said angrily.  
“What are you talking about?” Sidney asked.  
“You can deny it to yourself as much as you want but your just like everyone else when it come to little _Princess_ Charlotte. Ever since her parents died, she’s been the centre of everyone’s attention in this town-“  
“Clara, that’s unfair,” Sidney said.  
“Is it? Or is it unfair that I have to watch everyone follow after her every time she steps food onto the centre of this village? Or is it unfair that we’re all alway second fiddle to her? Or is it unfair that I have to stand there and watch you look at her like she put the sun in the sky?” Clara shouted.  
“Clara it’s not... it’s not even... it’s not,” Sidney sighed in frustration, “anyway what do you care? Your the one that said you just wanted a summer fling.”  
“I didn’t think I’d be competing with Charlotte when I said it,” Clara muttered.  
“There’s no competition Clara,” Sidney said, “we met behind Rogers. You were puffing a joint and I joined in. You suggested this and I agreed. We were both just after something to do in this mundane village. We’ve spent endless hours at parties in the evenings with all your dumb friends. We’ve hung out. That’s it. You know what I’m like... those rumours are mostly true.”  
“Until they’re not,” Clara said, feeling the tears brim in her eyes as she turned to look away, “you’re useless until you’re not. You’re not into commitment until you’re not. You’re an asshole until you’re not.”  
“Look Charlotte is a friend- if you could even call her that. I have a laugh when I give her coffee in the morning but that’s it,” Sidney said,”I don’t think she even likes me to be fair.”  
“And yet somehow she always pops up,” Clara gritted.  
“You brought her up,” Sidney said nonchalantly.  
Clara exhaled sharply, annoyed at herself and frustrated at his lack of care for her feelings but she wasn’t going to let it ruin things. Not when she wasn’t ready to give this up, “Let’s forget about it. Do you want to go to my house?" Clara said, “Just you and me and a bottle of wine."  
Sidney sighed. "I guess."

It wasn’t the most encouraging response, but it was a yes, and Clara would take it. And Sidney was too comfortable with the thought of spending time with someone who would not look down on him or tell him he could be better, to not let the day slip into night- after all, he felt like he and Clara were cut from the same cloth. So Sidney let Clara make him laugh and tell him her aspirations. He poured the wine as she danced in the kitchen and then he followed her upstairs.

_Giving himself away, while also giving nothing._

***  
 ** _13th June 2003_**

Charlotte treaded carefully along the dirt track as she gripped the pages of her book in her hand. She had been so captivated by the words that she hadn’t bothered to look up and actually take in the summer skies as they drifted on by.

She had only meant to go for a short walk to grab some milk for her grandparents, but once the pages had captivated her, Charlotte laid in the tall grass of one of the farms she had passed, and let the sun shine as time slipped away. The sound of a tracker had taken her out of her thoughts as she suddenly checked her watch and realised she was supposed to be back at the house an hour ago. Reluctantly, she grabbed her old cardigan (feeling a slight chill) and began to walk home slowly- the words still calling out to her like a whisper carried in the fragrant air.

Head down, Charlotte was confused for a moment when she heard a car beep twice behind her. Looking over her shoulder, Charlotte squinted to see who it was that driving towards her and rolled her eyes once his features became ever so familiar- usually served on the side of her morning coffee.

“Charlotte,” Sidney called happily.  
“Sidney,” Charlotte said, pushing a hand through her hair and exhaling.  
“I haven’t seen you at our little rendezvous the past week,” Sidney said.  
“Why? Did you miss me?” Charlotte said, tilting her head, as she pulled he canvas bag over her shoulder.  
“Just an observation,” Sidney smiled, “what are you doing all the way out here?”  
“Walking home,” Charlotte said flatly, “let me guess- you’re going out with Clara?”  
“Might be,” Sidney shrugged.  
“She goes on about you a lot,” Charlotte said lowly.  
“Does it make you jealous?” Sidney said with a smirk.  
“Nope- it’s just annoying. Hearing about the infamous Sidney Parker- world class playboy with Clara Brereton- world class flirt,” Charlotte said with frustration.  
“You don’t like her?” Sidney asked with a sudden peaked interest.  
Charlotte scratched her eyebrow, suddenly annoyed at herself for overstepping and saying too much, “her and I have a complicated relationship and I’m just annoyed because I’m late back home. Ignore me. Enjoy your evening together. I’ve got to get home.”

Charlotte waved at him weakly before spinning on her heels and beginning to walk away. She was so annoyed that she had brought it up- and she didn’t even know why. Maybe it was because she had heard Inez talk about it when she went to get coffee this afternoon or maybe because she overheard Clara talking about in the supermarket when she went to pick up some milk. She didn’t know. All Charlotte knew was that she shouldn’t have said anything- it wasn’t her place and her opinion was of no consequence anyway.

“What you got there?” Sidney said curiously as he drove a little bit closer to her. Charlotte turned to look at him and followed his eye line down to the book in her hand. She raised the cover of the book for him to read, “The fortress of solitude. That’s good book.”  
“You’ve read it?” Charlotte said, her eyes lighting up.  
“I loved it,” Sidney said.  
“Yeah I wasn’t sure I did in the beginning but now I can’t put it down,” Charlotte smiled.  
“I feel like whether you love or hate this novel, largely depends on whether or not you warm to Lethem’s highly detailed prose style,” Sidney said with a concentration on his face and the forming of soft lines on his forehead as he spoke passionately, “Sometimes he can make you see the familiar in a new and searing light; other times he has a tendency to perhaps over paint his canvases with so much detail that I felt like it obscured the images.”  
“I thought it was like jumping into a magicians hat at times as well, you know? Like that playful subplot was a magical ring that allowed its wearer to become a superhero,” Charlotte said, biting her bottom lip as she remembered the moments.  
“I I think that’s too romantic an idea for him,” Sidney argued, “It’s such an epic tale of gentrification and crushed hopes. Those feelings we all crave and want but that most of us never get. The way the world can ripe you apart into a million pieces. It was so honest.”  
“I don’t know... I’m at the last chapter but I feel like this is a novel about soul- the haunted soul unable to quite find its native ground in the world, but there is hope there. Hope is a beacon of light- like a star that collapses but still it’s embers light the path...but yeah. There were definitely times I felt like...I felt like I could kind of relate a bit too much with the novel,” Charlotte said, looking down at the dried ground below her.  
“A world in which there is no such thing as a responsible adult,” Sidney smiled solemnly, “I kind of feel like I can relate to that as well.”

Looking up at her, Sidney felt his breath catch in his lungs as he saw her standing there- the golden hour beamed strings of orange, yellow and gold into the air behind her, painting Charlotte in ethereal tranquillity. She suddenly looked so much older- not just from the curves of her body, but from the kind look on her face, the softness of her voice and the calmness that her presence brought. And just for a moment, Sidney felt like the slow sleepy flow of time had suddenly silenced much of the sorrow that had filled his heart and provided him with a portal to somewhere with opportunity, understanding and...happiness.

Just as quickly as the thoughts rushed into his mind, did Sidney lose them- forcing them to be lost to the ear of his heart as he was certain he was a lost cause. He had quite the reputation for never committing and he knew Charlotte was all too aware of them. So why would you decided to freely step into the lions den?

A relationship with someone serious like Charlotte, wasn’t what Sidney did. That wasn’t what he was about. Everyone said so- he was the boy who’s heart was on a high line. He wasn’t able to commit to anything- work, school, relationships, and he had learnt to walk that tight rope with great caution- disappoint behind him and a tunnel of darkness ahead, and he felt like he needed to keep his balance or risk falling to further despair.

Clearing his throat, Sidney looked at Charlotte and smiled coolly.

“I’ll give you a ride,” Sidney said, picking up his jean jacket from the passenger side and throwing it onto the seat behind him.  
“Don’t you have to be somewhere?” Charlotte said.  
“Not that I can think of,” Sidney said with a smile.  
“But Inez said you were going to another party with Clara,” Charlotte said in confusion.  
“Inez has a big mouth and my uncles really gotta tell her to stop putting her nose in my business when she’s on shift,” Sidney laughed.  
“But you do have a party to be at?” Charlotte said.  
“One, I’m flattered your keeping track of me,” Sidney chuckled lightly, “and two, that can wait. Jump in.”  
“I don’t know,” Charlotte said hesitantly, “we’re not even really friends.”  
“What? I’m your friend,” Sidney said with mock outrage.  
“Were two people who run into each other a lot but you’ve even said it yourself- I just annoy you,” Charlotte said, “so I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”  
“We see each other almost every morning. Your family know me-“  
“You know my grandmother dislikes you,” Charlotte laughed.  
“I never said they liked me, I said they know me,” Sidney said with a small chuckle, “jump in.”  
“I don’t know,” Charlotte dragged out her words.  
“Come on,” Sidney said softly with a lingering smile.

Sidney lent over and pulled the latch of the passenger door. Looking at the long road ahead, Charlotte bit her bottom lip before slipping into the car besides him- she deformity didn’t want to walk for the next half hour.

The two of them continued talking all the way to her front door- their conversation ranging from books, to their very different school experiences, to their passion for the outdoors. They discovered they had far more in common than they had initially thought.

Sidney took his foot off the accelerator slightly as he drove. He was slightly surprised by how much he enjoyed Charlotte’s company- no sarcasm or squabbles to hide behind for either of them. Just a chance to let the words slip off their tongues and let the air carry away whatever was left to linger.

Turning her head to look at him as his eyes looked at the road, Charlotte felt an unfamiliar twist in her stomach- one she had never felt before but it didn’t hurt. Its knot felt oddly freeing. As Sidney flashed her a smile and pulled up outside her house, Charlotte realised how much she had enjoyed watching the slip of Sidney’s mask that late afternoon.

And maybe... just maybe... she could be his friend. Because it turned out, he wasn’t so bad after all.

***  
 _ **18th June 2003**_

The problem was, Clara had always wanted what she couldn’t have.

Sidney let her pretend, but it wasn’t the same. It was only ever almost. Sidney would ride around with her, and kiss her when they were drunk, and when the summer started to see its hottest days, they start sleeping together which was just about the happiest Clara had been, but -

But what Sidney wanted was Charlotte.

Charlotte with her faded cardigans and soft smile and armful of books. Charlotte who was nothing like sharp-edged Clara. Charlotte whose simple touch lingered on Sidney’s skin far longer than he should have allowed.

Falling asleep in the quietness of the night, Charlotte was who Sidney decided he wanted as he felt the winds of change blowing wild and free in his mind. He could be enough for her. He could be a person worthy of not just her body... but her mind and her soul. And when he woke in the morning, he would admit that to Clara.

Lying in bed beside him, Clara drew her fingers lazily through Sidney’s curly hair. They had spent their evening at a party on one of the farms on the outskirts of town. For a while they were sat beside a fire, drinking and laughing with people they didn’t really know, but then they walked through the high, wheat fields and laughed at their summer moments so far. Clara had pinned for Sidney since she had seen him- so proud of herself when she had managed to catch the boy all the girls wanted (even if for only a night).

The fields reminded Clara of her youth and she thought about herself at age seven. Running through the fields with her best friend - what was her name? Clara was only seventeen and she shouldn’t have felt so old but she did as she reminisced about making plans to run away and be adventurers together. See the world. She also remembered when they ran about playing pretend- just for an excuse to scream, and as she looked at Sidney’s chest heaving up and down as he slept, she wondered if he was doing the same. Playing pretend?

His hot and cold behaviour certainly made Clara feel like it and whenever Charlotte walked into the room, she was like a magnetic force drawing Sidney closer to her (making Clara feel like a candle waiting to be relit). Charlotte and Sidney spoke about things Clara had no interest in but he would spend his night with _her_ , not Charlotte. He followed _her_ out of the room, not Charlotte. And Clara just felt like if she clung on long enough, perhaps she could turn the tide of his emotions- after all, she already knew what his Achilles heels was. _Himself_.

When dawn drew up in the early hours of the morning, Sidney sat and stared out the window whilst Clara slept in bed peacefully, the duvet wrapping her body. He knew he would be breaking her peace in just a few hours when he made his confession as if she were a priest and he was in a booth. He would have given anything to have actually had a wall up between them- he didn’t want to see the look of disappointment on yet another face reminding him that he wasn’t good enough to feel the things he wanted to feel but Sidney couldn’t help it. _He needed to do this._

Closing his eyes, Sidney saw Charlotte. Every time he was near her, he tried so hard not to look at Charlotte as if she was the sun and she would perhaps scorch him. Yet, every time Sidney though Charlotte, she was the sun- whether he was looking at her or not. 


	16. August (Part II)

_**10th July 2003** _

Parking her car wonkily not too far from Uncle Roger’s, Charlotte tried not to check her watch again. She knew she was running late and although Roger had said it was okay, Charlotte still felt horrible for keeping him back so late after closing. She hated being late to anything- especially when she knew people were waiting.

Turning back to double lock the car with her keys, Charlotte didn’t hear the soft sound of feet in front of her and felt her little body crash into what felt like a cushioned wall. Immediately, Charlotte dropped to the ground to pick up her keys when she heard the chin on the concrete and felt a pair of hands clutch over her keys- and her hand. Looking up in the street light, Charlotte caught Sidney smiling at her and shyly pushed a strand of hair behind her ear- embarrassed she hadn’t seen him.

“Sorry, I was in a rush and just didn’t look,” Charlotte said, fiddling with the keys in her hand.  
“No problem,” Sidney said, “I was just on my way out.”  
“Is Roger around?” Charlotte said, rubbing her temple as she tried to focus on now instead of the many thoughts swirling in her mind, “he has a food parcel for me to collect.”  
“I was going to drop it off in twenty minutes for you,” Sidney said, unlocking the front door of the coffee shop again, “come in and I’ll grab it.”  
“Thank you,” Charlotte said taken back for a second as she followed him in- he wasn’t usually so nice, “but we’re so out of the way. Dropping it off would have been a real inconvenience for you.”  
“I had a thing that way,” Sidney said coolly, pushing part of the coffee bar back so he could walk behind it.  
“Oh,” Charlotte said, a little disappointed, “well I’m here now.”

Looking around the empty coffee shop, Charlotte slipped her keys into her tiny front pocket and thought about how weird it was to see the diner so empty. She didn’t think she had been in her like this since she was 12 and waiting for her grandmother to come and pick her up after her dad had been taken away by the ambulance. Hearing Sidney settle the small crate on to the marble counter, Charlotte snapped out of her thoughts and looked up at him with a smile.

“What’s all this for anyway?” Sidney said, checking the list Roger had left on top to make sure it was all there.  
“Well... what do you think food is for?” Charlotte said, looking at him blankly.  
“No I get that your going to eat it but I haven’t seen you for weeks. I even skateboarded past your house just to see if you were there but nothing. Now all these frozen meals. What’s up?” Sidney asked, raising his eyebrows as he looked at her.  
“Stalker Sidney back with vengeance,” Charlotte smirked.  
“Stalker Sidney just cares,” Sidney said softly before realising what he’d said, “who else is going to uphold my uncles monthly coffee quota otherwise.”  
Charlotte laughed, “I am singlehanded keeping this place afloat aren’t I.”  
“What’s up Charlotte?” Sidney said seriously.  
“My grandads been ill. We don’t know what it is, but we’ve been getting a lot of tests done,” Charlotte said, “just kept me indoors a lot.”  
“So you a jailer now?” Sidney joked, trying to lighten the mood.  
“No, I could go out but Alison and my grandma are fighting all the time so I just don’t think now would be a good time leave them,” Charlotte shrugged.  
“But you’ve left them now?” Sidney said.  
“I need to eat. My grandma keeps forgetting to tell the cook and I am a disaster near a cooker,” Charlotte laughed solemnly.

Shoving his hands in his pocket, Sidney looked at Charlotte in the dim lit coffee shop lights and just noticed how tired she looked.

“There’s a spare slice of key lime pie in the fridge. Sit down and I’ll get you it,” Sidney said, turning and not even waiting for her to respond.  
“You really don’t have to,” Charlotte said, “I know you need to leave.”  
“I’ll be fine Heywood,” Sidney smiled as he slid the slice of key lime towards her, “you eat and tell me what happened with the Da Vinci code? Let me guess you loved it?”  
“I did actually,” Charlotte said, pushing a fork into the small slice.

For a few moments, Sidney helped take Charlotte’s mind off of her woes by enveloping her into a conversation about the Da Vinci code, the key lime pie and a man Charlotte had seen on her way her.

“- and he just literally fell down, rolled over, got back up and started running the wrong way,” Charlotte laughed, putting her fork down triumphantly as she finished the slice of pie.

Looking at Charlotte sat there on the chair, Sidney could hear a song and knew that in his heart, the melody had chosen her. What the story of their song would be, Sidney knew only time would tell, but for now, he wanted to write a verse for himself.

Without giving it much thought, Sidney leaned over the counter and pressed his lips into Charlotte’s- cutting her off mid word. Sidney started off slow, before resting his hand on her neck and pulling her closer to him- feeling her racing pulse under her skin. Sidney gently sipped on Charlotte’s bottom lip before his brain and his mouth finally caught up and he realised he was over stepping his boundary.

“I’m so sorry,” Sidney said, stepping back and raising his hands in the air.

Charlotte sat there paralysed as she watched Sidney guiltily step back. Her mind was spinning with new thoughts and for a moment, Charlotte thought she was going to explode. She hadn’t thought about this. She hadn’t even considered it. But she wasn’t mad about it.

Gulping, Charlotte looked at a fumbling Sidney who was now talking profusely fast about how sorry he was and after a moment of consideration, Charlotte grabbed the collar of his jacket and pulled his towards her.

With more caution than he had displayed earlier, Charlotte kissed Sidney back. Letting her take the lead, Sidney opened his mouth and let his lips brush against hers as Charlotte dipped her tongue into his mouth. Their kiss this time was more passionate. More slow. More desperate with each breath as they both tried to clarify the feelings that were stirring between them. Sidney was slightly stunned by the way Charlotte was responding to him. He wondered if he was dreaming and if he was, he didn’t want to be woken because for the first time in a while, Sidney knew that this was exactly what he wanted.

Drawing back, the two of them looked at one another and tried to read the expression on the other’s face. They weren’t entirely sure what they were looking for, but the fact that neither looked mortified but... rather content was a good sign for them both.

“Don’t be sorry,” Charlotte said softly, biting down on her bottom lip before grabbing the crate of food off the counter and smiling, “I’ll see you tomorrow? I gotta meet the monthly quote.”

***  
 _ **15th July 2003**_

Slamming the cashier till shut, Roger turned around instantly when he heard the gentle pitter patter of feet on the stairs behind. This had been happening far too many nights this week and he wasn’t going to let Sidney sneak out another night without a least some sort of conversation.

“Sidney,” Roger called out as Sidney tried to slip past, “where you going kid?”  
“Out,” Sidney said before trying to walk out the door.  
“Wait,” Roger said sternly.

Squeezing his eyes and rubbing his head, Sidney turned on the heel of his foot and looked at Uncle Roger who was finishing with closing up time before he would go upstairs, slip on his gown and watch TV for the rest of the night.

Watching Roger awkwardly tap on the counter, Sidney knew his uncle was about to give him a serious (for Roger’s standards anyway) talking to.

“So,” Roger began, carefully picking his words, “your going out again... for the fourth night this week.”  
“Is that a crime?” Sidney asked, crossing his hands over his chest as he leaned against the door.  
“Well... where are you going?” Roger asked awkwardly.  
“Out,” Sidney said coolly.  
“Yes but out where?” Roger asked.  
“Roger, is there something you want to ask me?” Sidney said, raising an eyebrow.  
“No,” Roger said in a high pitch, shaking his head slowly as he looked down at the floor, “actually yes. Your seeing Charlotte now, aren’t you?”

Sidney huffed, running his hand through his hair and shaking his head- of course people knew. He and Charlotte had tried to keep thing squirt; both aware of the opinions people had of them both and not wanting to invite other people opinions into something so shiny and new.

“Who told you “ Sidney said.  
“Who do you think?” Roger said with a raised brow.  
“Inez,” Sidney grunted.  
“Nez was... she didn’t mean... I cornered her... but look Sidney,” Roger said, flustered as he tried to find the right words.  
“I don’t want to hear it Roger,” Sidney said, rolling his head towards the ground.  
“I just wanted to say-“  
“I know what you want to say. That I’m not good enough for her and I’d be smart to walk away before I hurt her because inevitably I will. I mess up. I’m the mess up. That’s my things. I know that. I know that I have far more baggage than she deserves to help carry and that I will eclipse her sun with my darkness. I know all that Roger,” Sidney said quickly, kicking his foot against the ground before looking up at his uncle, “I know I’m not good enough but I really like her.”  
“I wasn’t going to say that at all- though now you mention it, you do screw up sometimes,” Roger said, smiling softly as Sidney laughed, “I was going to say that you’ve both been through a lot so don’t be too harsh on yourself,” Roger smiled, “it’s okay to be yourself when the light is on.”  
“Thank you,” Sidney said lowly, “I’ll be back back later.”

Sidney slipped on his jean jacket before touching the latch of the door front door, eager to leave as he didn’t want to be late to meet Charlotte.

“And Sidney,” Roger said.  
“Yeah,” Sidney said turning back to look at his uncle still stood by the counter.  
“You are enough. Your more than enough- for anyone. I wished you’d realise that.”

Sidney looked down to the ground and smiled shyly before walking away.

***  
 _ **23rd July 2003**_

Interlacing their fingers as they stepped through the thick spring grass- still a little wet under the early morning dew, Sidney looked over his shoulder to check that Charlotte was still behind him as he led her towards their destination; a picnic blanket carefully placed behind a shield of trees to hide them perfectly from the rest of the world. Even with her hand fitting perfectly into his, Sidney was still so scared that he was imagining her presence. Like Charlotte was an optical illusion who would vanish down a rabbit hole at any point.

“When do I need to get you home this time?” Sidney said, smiling as he turned to look at the path ahead. _She was still there._  
“Everyone’s out today so there’s no need to rush,” Charlotte said softly.

Biting his bottom lip, Sidney carefully led Charlotte through the field. They were ankle-deep in undulating, thick and tangled grass as if they had just decided to walk through a horse's mane, but they didn’t mind. They both adored their treks through the field- the sun rays kissing their skin and the scent of wild flowers, heather and bracken lingering wherever they stepped.

For a few hours, the two of them just lay in the fields and read quietly. They exchanged conversation over their pasts (Charlotte keen to get to know more about the Sidney she had come to know as opposed to the rumoured boy who wore village gossip like headline news), which authors they loved, which books made them feel the world was a little too relatable and the stories that never left them.

“Peter Pan,” Sidney said suddenly, watching the blue hues in the sky deepen and lighten in the sun-rays.  
“What?” Charlotte said, lowering her reading book to her chest and turning her head round on his lap, so she could look up at him.  
“You asked me what story has never left me. Peter Pan,” Sidney said solemnly.

Charlotte shut her book and slowly shifted her body so her head was no longer resting on Sidney’s lap, but on his chest instead. Charlotte’s curiosity having piqued.

“Have I been granted enough fairy dust to find out why?” Charlotte said softly, tracing her index finger over his black t shirt, “Neverland was always home and it felt romantic as a kid- a place where any kid could do whatever they wanted, but i don’t know... Peter Pan alway made me sad. Wendy losing Peter after she had just found herself.”  
“It’s Peter who loses Wendy... he doesn’t know how to grow up... he’s lost,” Sidney said nonchalantly, his eyes still on the sky.  
“Is that why Peter Pan never left you?” Charlotte asked.  
“That and other things. It was the first book I ever remember my parents reading to me. It was the story Susan and Mary alway read- with very cool accents, whenever my parents got too loud and they wanted to drown out their words for me. It was the book I was holding a few weeks ago when my dad sent me away... and I guess I just know a thing or two about being a lost boy,” Sidney said, gently pushing his fingers through Charlotte’s hair.  
“About finding someone who makes you feel less alone?”Charlotte asked, her brown eyes looking up at him with the kindness he knew she possessed.  
“About feeling less lonely. About wandering to find yourself... even accidentally hurting people along the way,” Sidney said, looking down at her and smiling, “I’m making this sad now aren’t I?”  
“No,” Charlotte giggled, “your being honest. I like it.”

Leaning down, Sidney gently kissed Charlotte on the lips. Carefully, Charlotte pushed herself up Sidney’s chest and pushed her lips into his- deepening the kiss as Sidney slid his tongue into Charlotte’s mouth and pulled Charlotte into him by the waist. Charlotte bit down gently on Sidney’s bottom lip and began to almost suck on it as she tried to slow down time and take everything in.

“So has my wanderer found what he was looking for yet?” Charlotte asked, looking up at him as he drew back.  
“Not yet,” Sidney said lowly with a warm smile, “I think I’m close though.”  
“Well I don’t think you need to find a person necessarily to make you feel less alone. I find books and reading as a way to find friends that never leave you alone- friends you can alway go back to at the flick of a page,” Charlotte said.  
“I could probably write a book about you,” Sidney said, brushing a finger through her hair.  
“Well you did say I was your muse,” Charlotte jokes, dramatically flicking her hair over her shoulder.  
“I think you inspire more than just me Charlotte,” Sidney said, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear, “your like lightening in a bottle.”  
“Well this lightening would like to read some of your writing,” Charlotte said, “see what I’ve sparked.”  
Sidney drew back cautiously, “I don’t think so... it’s not very good... and there just drafts... it’s like I just vomited on the page really,” Sidney fumbled over his words.  
“I don’t believe that for one moment,” Charlotte said.

Sidney looked into Charlotte’s dark orbs as she leaned in closer to him- painfully slowly he felt as he craved her lips to be back on his. He was so completely in love with her.

This field they had found themselves in more often than not, had turned into a garden for their love- leaving a mark of serene souls and first loves on its fertile land. This garden had laid witness to the dawn of their love, and like a garden in full bloom- where the fragrance of flowers outshadowed their flourishing colours, Sidney and Charlotte’s feelings for each other overshadowed anything that could be seen on the surface.

Closing his eyes as Charlotte was now just inches away from him, Sidney opened his eyes again in confusion when he heard Charlotte giggle instead and saw her running away from him- a black notebook in hand.

“Let’s see what you’ve written about me,” Charlotte said cheekily.  
“Oh god Charlotte no!” Sidney shouted.

Running after her, it didn’t take Sidney long to wrap his arms around her waist and swing her around- preventing Charlotte from reading.

“You’ll laugh,” Sidney said, trying to grab the book.  
“I promise I won’t,” Charlotte said, looking at him with doe eyes as she pulled the book behind her back, “please?”  
“If it’s bad just don’t tell me okay?” Sidney sighed, all too aware that he struggled to say no to her, “People have said stuff in the past to try and be constructive I know but I just... this is hobby anyway.”

Nodding her head, Charlotte smiled as she unwrapped the elastic strap from the edge of the book. She could feel Sidney’s desperate eyes on her- as if he was a blinkered deer caught on the idea that he would do no good, but Charlotte just smiled (having every faith in him). Biting her bottom lip Charlotte flicked to the latest page and cautiously read.

_“I see lights in between our fingertips,_   
_I see hope in this sentiment of bloom._   
_Can I keep up you here just a little while longer?_   
_Even if it’s just in my memory._

_I hear the sweetest of melodies flowing off tongue,_   
_I hear the beat of my heart, drumming from your lips._   
_Can I hold onto you for just a moment more?_   
_Because I am now you and you are me._

_And velvet seas can carry us,_   
_To lie us together in my dreams._   
_And though we are young,_   
_We are young, wild and free._

_And there’s no other place that I would rather be,_   
_Than in the moments, where there’s you and me._   
_So lie beside me in my dreams,_   
_Make it easier for me to breathe.”_

Charlottes top lip quivered as she read the words. Tears had swelled in the brim of her eyes and as she looked back up at him, Sidney face fell in panic.

“Sidney,” Charlotte said breathlessly.  
“It’s awful isn’t it,” Sidney said, “it’s so bad I’ve made you cry.”  
“It’s beautiful,” Charlotte said looking up at him.  
“What?” Sidney said in befuddlement.  
“It’s beautiful. More than beautiful. It’s wonderful. It’s so good Sidney,” Charlotte said with gentle excitement.

Walking towards him, Charlotte immediately crashed her lips into his. Sidney didn’t respond at first- too taken back from Charlotte’s praise to register anything, but as Charlotte deepened their kiss, Sidney’s hands tightened around Charlottes waist and he gently carried her over to their picnic blanket which laid under a tree.

Sidney licked Charlotte’s lower lip with his tongue before pushing it into her open mouth and intertwining her tongue with his. Charlotte moaned softly and closed her eyes as the two of them enjoyed the way their skin tingled at the touch of the other.

The two of them kissed each other with passion and with need- moving slower than they usually would as they both wanted to saviour the magic that filled the air in this moment. They had both done things before, but in this space and in that moment, everything felt a new.

Grazing his hand along the side of her leg as the hem of Charlotte’s dress rolled up, Sidney found her bare legs too tempting and slowly slid his fingers over her thigh. Charlotte felt goosebumps on her legs as Sidney’s touch sent electric shocks all over her body. He was like a magnetic force and Charlotte just wanted to stay in his orbit. Moving his head to suck on the skin behind her ear, Sidney could feel the beat of Charlotte’s pulse on his lips.

Leaning his forehead against Charlotte’s, Sidney breathed heavily, “are you sure?”  
Charlotte smiled, kissing him tenderly on his forehead as her fingers began to tug at the edge of his shirt, “yes,” Charlotte said.

Pulling his t-shirt over his head, Charlotte moved her hands down to Sidney’s unbuckled jeans and slowly she moved her fingers to draw circles around his hips.

Their lips crashed into each others hungrily. Charlotte slid her fingers over Sidneys shoulder so she could pull him closer to her and gently sucked on the skin of his neck. Charlotte could feel his muscles moving under his skin as her hand slipped down from his shoulders, to his sides and then onto his abs- wanting to remember every inch of with just a single touch.

At the same time, Charlotte was fully aware of what Sidney was doing with his fingers but she was too breathless to say anything.

Sidney stroked Charlotte’s legs gently, running his fingers up and down along the outside of her legs before trailing them over to the inside of her thigh and circling his fingers upwards gently. Charlotte could feel her skin burning as he slowly went higher and higher until he found her pants and instantly pulled them down.

While his tongue licked the inside of her lower lip, Sidney pulled Charlotte close again and Charlotte wrapped her legs around him- pressing her hips into him as she became consumed by a desire she had never felt before- a need to be as close to him as physically possible. The heat of Sidney’s mouth against her lips were intoxicating. Sidney’s tongue licked wet circles, and when he sucked gently on her tongue, Charlotte pulled him in closer- needing more.

“Are you sure?” Sidney asked once again as Charlotte pushed down his jeans.  
“Yes. I’m sure,” Charlotte said breathlessly, lying down onto the blanket and feeling the grass between her fingertips as Sidney trailed kisses from Charlotte’s thigh, up her navel and over her unbuttoned chest.

Charlotte instantly pulled Sidney’s face up when he reached her breasts. She opened her mouth and dove her tongue into his- desperate to satisfy this need to explore every inch of him.

As Charlotte moved her hands to move Sidneys boxers down, Sidney gently pressed his lips into her neck.

Charlotte bent her hips against Sidney and gently moved her tongue further into his mouth- kissing him harder. Sidney used both of his hands to grab Charlottes hands by their wrists and moved them besides her head. He moved himself so the tip of his cock could slid into her wet entrance- his own desire to make her his own, running deep through his veins. They moaned into each other’s mouths as Sidney stroked her lips with his and began to gently move his hard cock in and out of her. He wanted to be careful- afraid that because he so keenly wanted her, he might hurt her instead.

With long, deep thrusts, Sidney moved his hips into Charlotte over and over again. Charlotte groaned out his name and felt her body tremble as she dug her nails into his back and pulled him closer. The two of them moved in sync and moaned freely as Charlotte felt herself come undone. Sidney came quickly after- feeling his heart racing in his chest. Catching their breaths and enjoying the euphoria of being so close to one another, Sidney laid on the blanket besides Charlotte as the grass covered them like a duvet- crumpling in all the right places. Neither of them said a word for a few minutes as they both enjoyed drinking in the comfort of each other’s presence.

“I hope no one saw us,” Sidney joked quietly, a smile on his face as he zipped up his jeans.  
“It’s private property so I think we’ll be safe,” Charlotte said, buttoning up her dress.  
“You never know who’s lurking around these fields,” Sidney continued as he pulled his t shirt from on-top of the grass, “the owner could have seen us,” Sidney said, pausing to pull a single daisy that was tangled in Charlotte’s curls.   
“Oh,” Charlotte said, looking up at him with a serious look, “I think your right. I actually think the owner did see us.”  
“What?” Sidney said, panic washing his face, “I’m so sorry. If they say anything I swear I’ll sort it out. I don’t want you to be tarnished by my reputation-“  
‘’It’s okay Sidney,” Charlotte said, gently clasping his check in the palm of her hand and smiling at him warmly, “I’m pretty close with the owner.”  
“Do you think they can keep it quiet? I know you said you wanted a chance to tell your family first,” Sidney said, “and you know how people gossip in this place.”  
“I can keep it a secret,” Charlotte said softly, tilting her head to look at him.  
“Thank god! I just wanted a chance to prove myself to your family and to myself before rumours started to spiral about us-“ Sidney began but interrupted himself as he looked up at her. Charlotte smiled and raised as eyebrow as she waited for the penny to drop, “wait you? You own this field?”  
“Technically Alison and I own the whole farm,” Charlotte shrugged.

Sidney looked at her carefully for a minute- trying to see her give away signs that she was joking, but Charlotte’s top lip did not shake subtlety, and there were no creases around her eyes. Charlotte just looked happy. The penny finally dropped.

“That’s why we never got caught for trespassing,” Sidney said looking down at his lap and laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone so much for all your comments! As alway they are much appreciated. 
> 
> Just an update: there will be no update tomorrow (work is hectic and leaves no proof reading time) x


	17. August (Part III)

_**10th August 2003** _

Settling down on the park bench, Sidney pulled out his worn copy of the kite runner from his back pocket and considered reading it again (the story striking him in more ways than he had originally expected), but decided against it.

The words and thoughts in his own mind were rather muddled today and Sidney knew the only way he could make sense of them was to write something down. But he wasn’t in the mood to write and instead of reading, Sidney just sat there and observed the world to find the words he was searching for- realising that someone needed to watch the sparrows in the trees, the clouds in the sky and the direction the winds blew in order to make sense of it all.

“Mr Sidney Parker,” Clara said, sliding onto the bench beside him with a smirk on her face.  
“Hi,” Sidney said absently, not even bothering to look at her as she edged closer.  
“No snarky comeback,” Clara laughed, crossing her legs as she twirled her finger around a loose strand of hair.  
“I’m doing better than I ever was Clara. I don’t need the sarcasm to survive or hide behind,” Sidney said with a soft smile.

Tapping her fingers against the wooden bench, Clara sat there looking at Sidney with her lips pressed together as if she was trying to read him to find a good time to talk to him. From the corner of his eyes, Sidney could see Clara slowly leaning more and more forward and he knew her habits well enough to know that she was clearly itching to say something.

“What do you want Clara?” Sidney sighed, smiling at the people walking past them as they turned their heads to get a sliver of information from the two. _The pitfalls of a small village_. “Missed you,” Clara said, siting far too close for comfort now.  
“I’m sorry but I’ve moved on,” Sidney said, trying to be polite as he slid himself to the edge of the bench- his thigh hitting the wooden handle at the end. He wasn’t in the mood for any mind games today.  
“We’ve all heard,” Clara said, rolling her eyes as she leaned back, “there’s a village bet to see how long it lasts.”  
The smile on Sidney’s face dropped within an instance and for a second, he feared he had heard the words wrong. “What?” Sidney said, finally turning to look at Clara. Reading her familiar expressions carefully- it was clear she wasn’t lying.  
“Oops, I wasn’t supposed to tell you,” Clara said.

Biting his bottom lip, Sidney could see Clara trying to sit there and look like she felt terribly guilty but he knew that she had done it on purpose. Clara knew all the right words to say and all the right buttons to press to get Sidney to start re-evaluating everything about himself- even the things he loved. Watching the sparrow in the tree, Sidney just stared as he saw it put so much effort into its lungs, for just a single breath. It was the unfortunate reminder that Sidney needed- that in a world like his, sparrows had to be hawks if they were to learn to fly at all (let alone just survive). Clearing his throat, Sidney tried to look like this sudden burst of information didn’t hurt him- his mind was too proud, even if it did ache with rage.

“But you did tell me,” Sidney said, turning to look at Clara again after a moment of quiet, “do I want to know what my chances are?”  
“Unsurprising low,” Clara said, shrugging.  
“People have that little faith in me,” Sidney said, looking down at his lap, “or do they think Charlotte will wake up and realise she’s chosen an idiot?”  
“They’re protective of her,” Clara said nonchalantly, “I told you everyone always is. They wrap her in cotton wool.”  
“And they think I’ll shrewd her wool to pieces? Leave her out in the cold to freeze?” Sidney muttered.  
“Deep down Sidney, you and I both know that people like Charlotte Heywood and you don’t end up together. She’s a light in a lighthouse guiding people home. And you... you carry enough baggage to sink a ship,” Clara said, running her hand through her hair.

Tapping his foot against the concrete ground, Sidney could feel the anger boiling inside him. Why did no believe he could change? That he was more than the myths that surrounded his name? That he was not the boy that his parents had tried to turn into a monster since he was a child?

“I’m not the same person,” Sidney said lowly.  
“We’re all the same person Sidney, we just put anew face on it. We rebrand. We change the dressing or the books on the shelf but deep down, it’s still the same room,” Clara said.“A man can change,” Sidney said defiantly.  
“Some can. But you can’t. Like all these years when you’ve called it off with me but you’ve always come back. You are a creature of habit Sidney… and creatures of habit do not change,” Clara said.

Kicking his foot against the ground, Sidney ignored Clara’s calls as he briskly strode back to the coffee shop. He needed to just sit in Roger’s worn armchair and find a moment to silence his demons before they locked him in his mental cage.

Looking back over his shoulder, Sidney could see Clara had left the bench vacant and Sidney exhaled- trying to shake the thoughts from his head. Clara is just hurt about the way you treated her. Reaching the coffee shop, Sidney held the door open as he saw three elderly customers beginning to exist through the glass door. He wore his best smile for them- a part of him desperate to make all the right impressions to strangers who barely knew him.

“Oh Sidney,” the elderly lady said.  
“Mrs Griffiths,” Sidney smiled.  
“I hear you’re trying to win the heart of our lovely Miss Heywood,” Mrs Griffiths said.  
Sidney groaned internally but kept a smile on his face, “I guess those rumours are true because we are dating.”  
“Well I know you’ve both been through some stuff but I do hope you keep in check when you’re with her,” Mrs Griffiths said.  
“What does that mean?” Sidney asked, really not appreciating the assumption.  
“We all know about you Sidney. Monmouth. Your behaviour with the girls in this village. It’s okay, you’re a boy and we knew you’d want to spread your wild oats, but when you get a good girl like our Charlotte, then you need to grow up a little bit,” Mrs Griffiths explained.  
“I didn’t realise I was such a child,” Sidney gritted.  
“Just some friendly advice Sidney- your young, you barely know anything of love,” Mrs Griffiths said, “and we wouldn’t want you to break anyone’s heart.”

Smiling, Mrs Griffiths began to walk away with her friends and went on her merry way. Sidney stood there still gripping onto the handle of the glass door, too paralysed to move and too dumbfound to think.

_“And what of my heart?”_

***  
_**12th August 2003**_

“I find it so… curious that so many people only go into a bookshop when they happen to need some particular book. Why don’t they ever drop in for a little carouse and refreshment? There’s nothing quite like the smell of a freshly pressed book or the feel of a doggy eared, beloved page turner against your fingertips. Don’t you think?” Charlotte said, twisting in the overgrown field and looking through the hair of the grass towards Sidney.

Sidney was lying in the field and resting his head against his arms as he looked up at the sky. The two of them were once again on Heywood farm but this time, they had moved much further down the lane towards the lily fields that Charlotte ran threw as a child. It was clear that Sidney wasn’t listening- his eyes not even following the clouds that flew past.

“Something’s wrong,” Charlotte said, looking at him.

Sidney turned his head to the side and blankly looked out at the field. The long strays of grass made the field look as if it were a duvet rumpled in all the right ways- so care free rather than pulled straight. That was the way grass is, Sidney thought, tufting and waving as the ocean may on some sunny windswept day.

“Sidney,” Charlotte said softly.  
“Great idea,” Sidney said absently.  
“What’s a great idea?” Charlotte said raising an eyebrow.  
Looking into her eyes, Sidney knew he had been caught red handed, “sorry. I promise I was trying to listen. It’s just loud in my head.”  
“I asked what was wrong,” Charlotte said, running her finger along the bare skin of his arm, “you’re not yourself today.”  
“I’m fine. Just distracted,” Sidney said, sitting up and taking Charlotte’s hand into his own.  
“By?” Charlotte asked.  
“Roger is leaving for Antigua for a couple of weeks. I’m just thinking about that,” Sidney said, squeezing her hand reassuringly.  
“I heard about that. It sounds very exciting- learning to grow his own beans,” Charlotte said, “He already brews the best, so I just know he’s going to make the best as well.”  
“Yeah,” Sidney said.  
Charlotte frowned as she looked at him, “That wasn’t it though, was it. Something is burrowed under your skin.”  
“It’s really nothing,” Sidney said, “let’s go walk along the lake.”

Sidney stood up from their little oasis in the high grass and dusted off his jeans- ready to set off, but as he did, Charlotte grabbed him by the hand and pulled him back down towards her. Her large eyes stared directly at him, through his windows to his own heart and Sidney thought she might be trying to search for the soul that laid under his skin.

“Tell me,” Charlotte said firmly.  
“Its silly,” Sidney said shrugging  
“So tell me,” Charlotte said.  
“Charlotte-“  
“please,” Charlotte said.  
  
Sidney was hesitant. He didn’t want Charlotte to know he had let the comments of strangers get to him but they had and their passing comments had left a scar in the places where he had already been pulled apart by his own family. Reluctantly, with Charlotte’s warm eyes on him, Sidney decided to talk.

“A few people in Willingden just have strong opinions about us,” Sidney said.  
“And you let it get to you?” Charlotte said, “The opinion of people who try to be kind but are just nosey busy bodies?”  
“It’s hard to not let something get to you when you wake at 2am with the exact same thoughts screaming back you,” Sidney said lowly, looking at the ground- unable to even look at Charlotte, “I feel so deeply for you charlotte- to the point where I would take a whisper from you if that was all you had to give. And it’s a terrifying feeling.”  
“Do my affection scare you?” Charlotte asked quietly.  
“No,” Sidney rushed to say, grabbing hold of her hand, “Not at all. Or not in that sense. I mean… like… when I was a kid, I used to imagine people lying in the candy floss clouds in the sky. Peaceful. Laid back. Happy. And I feel like that, but I know that clouds are just balls of air. A bird can fly through them and break them and I’m just so terrified that I’ll shift my weight, and the baggage that everyone keeps reminding me of will cause me to fall through.”  
“Sidney why do you keep letting the weight of people’s opinions hold you down?” Charlotte asked, looking at him with sad eyes.  
“Because the weight of people is all I’ve ever known. Their opinion is what has held me up- or pulled me down, and I don’t think I know how to be a person without them,” Sidney said.  
  
Looking at Sidney carefully, Charlotte saw that hidden in the veil of his nature was that touch of gentleness that drew Charlotte towards him.  
  
“You’re such an idiot Sidney,” Charlotte said with a soft smile.  
“Thanks,” Sidney mumbled, “I have been told numerous times.”  
“No you idiot. You just don’t see it,” Charlotte said, giggling as she spoke.  
“See what?” Sidney said in confusion.  
“That Sidney you are… you are so lovable and funny and selfless and giving and smart and sarky and a culmination of all these great qualities. You are made up of these stars that shimmer and shine bright even in your darkest moments but you’re so busy looking for something in the dark that you forget that your lighting the way,” Charlotte said.  
  
Looking at the glint of hope in Sidney eyes, Charlotte felt her heart sink to her feet as she realised just how much she wanted him. No matter what his past was or what he had done. She just knew he moved her in ways she had never felt before and that all others she had ever met before him, paled in comparison.  
  
“I don’t want to love or be loved in half measures. I want it all Sidney,” Charlotte said.  
“What if I take too much because I can?” Sidney asked, staring at the ground- too afraid of what might come out of her mouth next.  
“Then I’ll just learn to give even more,” Charlotte said, “I love you, you big idiot. I am in love with you. I need you to trust that those aren’t just words slipping off my tongue,” Charlotte trailed her fingers up to Sidney’s chest and looked at him.  
“I love you too,” Sidney said breathlessly.

Pulling Sidney down over her, Charlotte kissed Sidney gently. She bit on his lower lip and slipped her hands down to his neck so she could pull him in even closer. Kissing her back just as deeply, Sidney opened his lips slightly and Charlotte slipped her tongue into his mouth. Feeling the long grass lure them under its blanket and the sun on their skin, Sidney and Charlotte were both cautious to soak each other in- feeling every lingering emotion far more deeply than before.

Sidney pulled away from Charlotte first and rested his forehead on hers. As they laid there peacefully for a few minutes- the lilies wrapping into Charlotte’s hair as she moved, Charlotte’s fingers could feel Sidney’s pulse racing under his skin and Charlotte knew that her own heart was beating just as fast.  
  
“I look at you and wonder sometimes, how anyone can be so gentle that they take all of their sorrow, all of their pain and turn it into help and hope for another human being,” Sidney said quietly, “And then I wonder what I must have done right to walk this earth at the same moment, the same era as a human as exceptional as you.”  
“Maybe it is me that is the lucky one,” Charlotte said, beaming as she nestled her head into his chest.  
“There are so many places I want to show you in my mind,” Sidney said.  
“Well I’m ready for that ride whenever you’re ready Sidney,” Charlotte said with a soft smile.  
“You’re like the sun, you know that Charlotte,” Sidney said, raising the corner of his lip.  
“Do I scorch all those horrid thoughts that people leave in your mind away?” Charlotte said gleefully.  
“No,” Sidney said, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear, “I just see in all these colours when I’m soaking in your sun.”  
  
Lifting her head to look at him, Charlotte leaned up slowly and kissed Sidney on the lips. He returned her feeling with want as he hungrily pressed his lips into hers and sucked on her bottom lip.  
  
“Let’s go for a swim,” Charlotte said, pulling away.  
“In the lake?” Sidney asked.  
“Yep,” Charlotte said, letting go of his hand and walking towards the edge of the path.  
“But we didn’t bring anything to swim in,” Sidney said, looking dumbfound.  
“Oh Sidney,” Charlotte said, trying hard not to laugh, “I’m sure we can find something that works.”

***

_**24th August 2003** _

Sitting in the armchair besides her grandfather, Charlotte quietly turned the pages of her book and read as he slept. It had been a few weeks of manic hospital trips and lots of consultations, but after a small operation on his heart to help with his breathing, grandpa seemed to be doing better- even if his healing time was too long for Charlotte’s liking (she didn’t like seeing her grandfather struggling like this- especially when he was usually the strongest person she knew).

Patting down the hem of her plaid dress, Charlotte began to stare at the pages of her novel as she thought of he date with Sidney that night. The summer was almost over and they would both be going their separate ways in just a handful of weeks- he on his gap year and she to university. As much as she didn’t want to think about it, Charlotte couldn’t help but wonder what that meant for them both in the future.

“Charlotte,” grandpa said lowly.

Charlotte immediately snapped out of her thoughts and began to move towards her grandfather, who was weakly looking at her from the bed. She had dropped her book hurriedly on the chair as Charlotte sat near the edge of her grandfather’s bed- holding his hand and smiling as she looked down at him. She would not let him know that it upset her to see him like this.

“You okay grandpa?” Charlotte said softly, squeezing his hand three times as he looked at her.  
“Where’s your grandmother?” Grandpa said, almost breathlessly.  
“She’s gone to get your medication. Anything I can get you?” Charlotte said.  
“No,” grandpa said in barely a whisper.

Carefully, he tried to sit up and Charlotte winced at the sight- knowing he was still recovering and should just be resting. Moving forward, Charlotte slowly helped him readjust in his bed until he was sat looking at her. He looked much more at ease now.

“I heard about a boy,” grandpa said coyly, trying to raise a smile but settling tiredly for a half one.  
“Grandpa,” Charlotte dragged his name and looked away, embarrassed that he’d even brought it up.  
“I may be ill Charlotte but I’m not deaf,” grandpa said.  
Charlotte bit her bottom lip, “are you going to tell me to stop?”  
“Do you want me to?” Grandpa asked quietly.  
“No,” Charlotte sighed, “just a lot of people have a lot of opinions on us and... it’s hard to keep trying to ignore it when everyone keeps reminding you of the past.”  
“Charlotte you know your grandmother doesn’t think much of this boy. Neither does Alison. They moan about it daily,” grandpa said nonchalantly.  
“Well they shouldn’t be moaning. Not to you anyway. Not with your heart,” Charlotte said.  
“I quite enjoy seeing them all worked up,” Grandpa smiled, “and I’m much better now.”  
“Well I do not care for their opinions much,” Charlotte said, shaking her head as she fiddled with the edge of grandpa’s duvet.

Looking at her grandpa, Charlotte realised he looked like he was struggling a bit and reached out to hand him a glass of water from his bedside table. Taking the empty glass back from him once he was done, Charlotte noticed the odd expression on his face.

“What grandpa?” Charlotte asked.  
“I’ve heard the rumours Charlotte- about him. Are most of them true?” Grandpa asked lowly.  
Charlotte sighed, “honestly? I’ve never asked.”  
“That’s brave,” grandpa said with a small laugh.  
“Or very stupid,” Charlotte smiled, “I’m still deciding.”  
“Why haven’t you asked?” Grandpa asked curiously.  
Holding in her breath for a moment, Charlotte smiled as she exhaled, “I don’t care,” Charlotte said, “I thought it would bother me when Inez, Phillida, Julia, Clara or even Alison used to to speak about Sidney and his phantom reputation but grandpa, I feel like I know what’s in his heart... what makes him, him. I think that counts for far more of his character than for me to listen to the ideal gossip of very bored village people,” Charlotte sighed, “and everyone has a history. We are allowed to be broken people. It what’s we do with our broken pieces that matters.”  
“Can I give you some advice Charlotte,” grandpa asked, taking Charlotte’s hand into his own.  
“You’ll give it to me anyway won’t you,” Charlotte said, raising her eyebrow.  
“That is true,” grandpa smiled, “now Charlotte, I’m not saying this Sidney chap is the one- he could be and I’d be happy for you if he was. I’ve never seen you look so much like yourself before and it’s been like coming up for breath air- and I should know considering my crappy heart.”  
“Grandpa,” Charlotte laughed.  
“But what I’m going to say is, if you are ever lucky enough to find love in your life, hold onto them... tell them... work it out. You don’t just throw those feelings away and let them be lost to the beats of your heart,” grandpa said, “You have to be careful with love because you might not get it back- but don’t be too cautious. Forget about the rules or your fear of feeling ridiculous because what would be truly ridiculous would be passing up the opportunity to tell someone that your heart is invested in him... or her.”  
“Grandpa,” Charlotte smiled.  
“Listen Charlotte... there will be a love in your life who will make you realise that you would rather share one life time with them than face all of the ages with any one else. When that person comes you make sure you grab them with both hands. Do you understand me?”  
“I will try,” Charlotte said softly.  
“Good. Because we can’t help who we fall for and the is only ever one cure for love Charlotte,” grandpa said.  
“What’s that?” Charlotte asked.  
“Love in return,” grandpa smiled, “now go. I know you have a date. Tell him I said hello.”

—

Sidney was tapping on the side of his car door waiting for Charlotte to meet him outside her house. He wasn’t parked too close as he feared he would run into her grandmother (a kind but scary woman on the occasions he had seen her in the coffee shop).

Whistling, Sidney’s mind hadn’t stopped swirling with the echoes of opinion. He tried hard to believe Charlotte when she said she was enough. There was a fibre in him that believed even if he wasn’t enough, he could make Charlotte very happy- like she made him so very happy, but that fibre had cut and replaced with chords of self doubt. And the melody of doubt played like a bitter symphony.

“The infamous Sidney Parker waitIng on our door step,” Alison said, adjusting the handbag on her shoulder as she looked at him with a smirk.  
“Hi,” Sidney said, stopping with the tapping and trying to place the face, “I’m sorry I don’t think I know you,” Sidney said raising a curiously apologetic eye.  
“And yet I feel like I know so much about you,” Alison said, stepping towards his car as Sidney stepped out. “Alison Heywood. Charlotte’s-“  
“Charlotte’s little sister,” Sidney said warmly, holding out his hand for her, “pleasure to meet you Alison.”

Alison took Sidney’s hand cautiously, eyeing him up for size as she did. Sidney felt slightly uncomfortable by the encounter. He felt as if he was about to be questioned in a court of law.

“You heading out?” Sidney said, breaking their awkward silence.  
“Friends party,” Alison said.  
Sidney scratched the back of his head nervously, looking to the ground as he spoke, “I can give you a ride if you want? We’re heading to the cinema on the other side of town.”  
“I have a friend picking me up,” Alison said, squinting her eyes as she looked at Sidney, “I better go anyway. Nice to see you.”  
“You too,” Sidney said, exhaling the breath he had been holding.

Alison began to walk away, the sound of her shoes crushing the gravel as she moved, Sidney was now pacing up and down the length of his car as he waited for Charlotte- nervous she had realised perhaps this wasn’t a good idea and decided to cancel it all together. But he still lived in hope- Charlotte wouldn’t do that to him.

About to hit the road, Alison turned to look back at Sidney standing below the fading summer sun. She had originally thought she would leave it, but her was much sharper than her silence and she couldn’t hold it back.

“Your not good enough for her you know,” Alison said.  
“What?” Sidney said, taken back as he froze on the spot.  
“Your not good enough for my sister,” Alison said, “We’ve all heard about you.”  
“I’m not the person behind those myths,” Sidney said, feeling a lump in his throat.  
“So you haven’t flirted your way through the village over the years?” Alison said with a raised eyebrow, “and you didn’t get kicked out of Monmouth for sleeping with the headmasters daughter? And you didn’t string Clara along all summer? And you didn’t have a rotating door of girls when you lived in London?”  
“It’s not what it sounds like,” Sidney said calmly, “I can prove it, if you’d give me a chance.”  
“Sometimes you don’t get another chance,” Alison said.  
“And what would a 15 year old girl know about second chances or... even love,” Sidney scoffed, anger burning in his chest.  
“I know that you don’t hurt the people you love. Charlotte is going to go to university. She is going to make something of the shit show that is her life. She doesn’t need you to hold her back,” Alisons said firmly, “you are not good enough for her- everyone has said it. Everybody knows it. So you’d be I guess smart to walk away before you break her heart.”  
“But-“  
“Have tonight but break up with her Sidney,” Alison sighed, “Im not trying to be cruel but my grandmother and I both think that would be best. Stop trying to fool yourself into believing that this is going to end any differently than heartbreak.”  
“It could end differently,” Sidney whispered defeatedly.  
“And pigs could fly if we really tried hard enough,” Alison retorted, rubbing her temples as she looked at him standing there, “I’m sorry. But you’re both going different ways in two weeks. Don’t make it harder than it needs to be- she’s been through enough.”

Alison turned on her shoes and scuttled down the road to a parked Mercedes. Sidney just stood- clutching his car door for support as he felt the carpet finally being pulled from under him.

_He wasn’t enough. He was never going to be enough._

—  
Having pushed the thoughts from his mind the moment he saw Charlotte’s cheery face bouncing out of the front door of her house a mere few minutes later, Sidney tried to keep up a happy mood for the rest of the evening but it was hard to not hear the words screech in his ears as he pulled his car up outside the cinema. He tried to focus on the film. He tried to laugh on que and he tried to engage with Charlotte but he just kept feeling like was doing everything wrong. Like he wasn’t laughing enough. He wasn’t making her happy enough. He wasn’t good enough.

When the titles rolled and Charlotte asked if she could take the wheel, Sidney was more than happy to oblige- welcoming the chance to drown in his sea of thoughts as Charlotte raced through the curved streets of Willingden.

Charlotte knew that whole night exactly what she wanted. She wanted him.

Feeling the night air dance through her hair, Charlotte looked over at Sidney with concern- aware that he was thinking (and that never bore a good ending). Sliding her hand over his leg after she shifted the gear, Sidney looked over at her cautiously.

“Charlotte,” Sidney said quietly.  
“You said Roger wasn’t coming home tonight right?” Charlotte said softly.  
“Yes but-“  
“I’ll drive there then,” Charlotte smiled.  
“Are you sure?” Sidney said.  
“Why don’t you want to?” Charlotte half joked, raising an eyebrow as a knot formed in her stomach.  
“Of course I do,” Sidney said, “But-“.  
“Then I’m sure,” Charlotte giggled, feeling the tension wash away from her and she pushed down on the accelerator.

—

Pushing through the back door of Roger’s coffee shop towards his stairs, Charlotte and Sidney were hungrily pressed against each other’s lips.

Goosebumps had covered Charlotte’s body from the moment she had stepped into his car and she knew she wanted to wrap herself around him like a wave of water- washing away his fears and hoping he would see just how deeply she felt for him. Sidney’s lips gently explored hers and Charlotte groaned in agreement as she automatically wrapped her fingers around his neck and closed her eyes. She felt Sidney’s warm hands slip around her waist and Charlotte trusted him to lead her completely.

As they reached the stairs, the buttons of Charlotte’s dress were quickly lowered by Sidney’s eager fingers and he trailed soft kisses along her bare shoulder blade. His arms tightened around her waist- Sidney simply not wanting to let Charlotte go. He couldn’t. At the back of his mind, Sidney was running eager fingers all over her skin so he would memorise every inch of her- afraid of having to give her up.

Charlotte could feel Sidneys hand running up to her stomach under her dress, as she kissed him with need. She was still clothed but the touch of his fingertips against her stomach made her feel like she wasn’t wearing anything at all- and she didn’t mind. She wanted him to make every part of her his own.

Stepping up the stairs together slowly, Sidney loosened his hands from around Charlottes waist enough to allow Charlotte to move but, not enough for her to leave him entirely. Sidney’s heart was beating like a drum as he desperately tried to preserve these moments. He pressed his lips into the crook of Charlottes neck as they carefully took each step. Her skin still had that familiar sweet taste and slowly, Sidney sucked her skin with his mouth. Charlotte felt like a doll in his hands and if he could, Sidney would have taken her everywhere with him if he could.

Once their feet touched the landing, Charlotte immediately turned around and put her hands through Sidneys curls- pulling him closer to her so she could press her lips into his. Sidney’s hands moved all by themselves and he let them wander over Charlotte’s skin. Slowly they moved from her waist, over the fabric of her bra to the sleeves of her plaid dress. Pushing his bedroom door open, Sidney pushed his fingers over her shoulders and let the dress slip to the floor.

“Sidney,” Charlotte said breathlessly.

His dark eyes were staring at hers and as he moved closer to her, his eyes fell on her lips. Sidney hesitated for a moment, realising just how much he needed her.

Moving into his room, Charlottes own fingers began to explore Sidneys body more freely. She pulled at the hem of his t shirt and slipped her hands down the back of his neck to his shoulders- feeling every muscle and enjoying the way his skin burned against hers. Charlotte’s fingers were trembling as as she trailed them along his chest. Sidneys eyes met hers as Charlotte pushed the t shirt over his head.

Slowly, Charlotte put both her hands on his bare chest and felt an electric shock corse through her veins. She stroked his chest before she pushed her head up and crashed her lips into his. Charlotte bit the soft pink flesh of his lips as Sidneys hands slid under her thighs and he lifted her up. Charlotte wrapped her legs around his waist and Sidney’s hard cock pressed directly against her sensitive middle as he carried her to his bed.

Their lips were still pressed against each other and Charlotte moaned into his mouth. Her legs pulled him even closer to her as Sidneys hands slid all over her skin.

Charlottes small body stayed in his arms as Sidney laid her down on his bed and carefully climbed on top of her. Charlotte could feel his hard cock pressed against her thigh as he kissed her lips gently and her desire to feel him inside her began to spiral with want and need. She wanted to feel every part of him deeply.

Moving his hands down her side, they both looked at each other as Sidney knelt over her. His hands travelled from her ribs to her hips to her underwear. He put his fingers under the waistband and Charlotte raised her hips so he could pull the fabric down. Sidneys eyes burned with desire and Charlotte let out a moan as Sidney lowered his head and gently placed wet kisses over her stomach.

He moved his lips up towards her breasts. His fingers felt the blue fabric of her bra and with a moan, Sidney kissed the valley between her breasts; his wet lips breathing heavily against her warm exposed skin. Charlotte arched her spine and tilted her head back as she moaned softly into the air.

Sidney whispered her name gently against her lips before he intertwined his tongue with hers and kissed her passionately. Charlotte slid her hands over his shoulders and pulled him closer to her- stroking his tongue in his mouth.

As his hands trailed over her breasts and down to her thighs, Charlotte knew she couldn’t take the teasing anymore. She reluctantly let go of his lips and pushed Sidney so he lay flat on the bed beside her. Charlotte climbed on top so she could straddled him- feeling his hardness press against her as she rubbed her hips against him.

Bending down, Charlotte kissed him hard as she ran her hands over his chest. Sidney slid his fingers down to her thigh and sat up so they were sat in the comfort of each other’s arms. Charlotte’s fingers grabbed gently onto his curls and the two of them kissed passionately for a moment.

Sidney’s heart was racing as he gripped her thighs and he felt his breath catch in his throat as Charlotte began to undo his belt and unzip his trousers. Sidney felt like time had become too slow as she reached for his zipper and pulled it down- Sidney raising his hips so she could push them down.

Once all clothes had been removed, Sidney grabbed Charlottes head in the palm of his hand and pulled her close to him. Sliding his tongue into her mouth, he flipped her over onto the bed- laying his body on top of hers. As she lay there, moaning into his mouth, Sidney wrapped his fingers around her thighs and pulled her legs around his waist. Charlotte felt him against her sensitive skin and lifted her hips up.

For a second, Sidney paused and just looked at her- his heart so full of happiness at having her so close to him. Looking at her, Sidney kissed her passionately as he pressed himself lightly against her opening. As Charlotte moaned his name, Sidney entered her with a deep thrust.

Charlotte moaned loudly and their cries of pleasure mingled in the air as Charlotte pressed against him. Panting, Sidney gripped her hips and carefully slid himself into her again. His lips searched for hers as he gently stroked inside of her. Lifting herself against his long and deep thrusts, they both moaned loudly into the others mouth as they hit the right spots again and again.

A knot of pure love simmered in the pit of their stomachs as they continued to move against each other as one. Their lips never parted as the waves of their climax grew. Moaning, they could hardly stand it any more and with one last deep thrust, they both came undone.

Sidney buried his head in her neck as they caught their breaths and feeling like time had slowed to honey in an hourglass.

Wrapping themselves in each other’s arms, the two laid there beside one another in the twisted bedsheets.

"Usually I am a closed book," Sidney said his lip wobbly as he trailed his finger along Charlotte’s bare shoulders.  
"What changed?" Charlotte asked, trying to turn around to face him, but Sidney stopped her.  
“I’m drawing,” Sidney said with a smile.  
“And what is Mr Parker drawing on my skin,” Charlotte said softly.  
“Guess,” Sidney said lowly.

Charlotte bit on her bottom lip as she felt his warm skin trail small lines across her back. For a moment she just enjoyed the feeling of his touch, before she began to mentally trace the pattern.

“A star,” Charlotte said softly, rolling over to look at him.  
“A whole constellation,” Sidney smiled, leaning down lower as she grabbed his cheeks with her hands and planted a firm kiss on her lips.  
“So what changed?” Charlotte said as Sidney pulled back, “what made you start to turn the pages?”  
"This might sound crazy but hear me out," Sidney said, biting his lip. He felt both hesitant and daring, "It's just that ever since I met you, I feel like you understand me in a light that no one else has ever been able to, you know? It's like you have spent the past few weeks carefully reading through my pages, running your finger down each line as though you had all the time in the world. It's… crazy. I know. And I'm sorry if that scares you. It's just.. I've never met someone who sees the world like I do, you know? I thought I was all alone but then along came you and you showed me that I'm not as alone as I feel. I never believed in the whole idea of soul mates... of the idea that two people meet for a reason but I think I get it now even if time is not on our side. I've waited my whole life to be understood- even in my silence. And you do. God damn it, you do- and it terrifies because everyone keeps reminding me that I am not-"

Before Sidney could even blink, Charlotte pulled him close to her and crashed her lips into his. For a while, they just laid there like that- in each other’s arms with their lips pressed against one another’s. Charlotte held Sidney as if he was the very last star in the sky- burning out yet still dedicating his last moments to showing her the world.

_He was a single star in a galaxy of thousands but my god did he shine. Charlotte thought._

***

_**26th August 2003** _

Waking up in the early hours of the morning, Sidney had slept awfully- the words of others constantly spinning around his head as he watched Charlotte sleep. She was blissfully unaware of the demons running wild in his burning mind.

Trailing his index finger carefully over her hairline- moving those loose curls out of her face, Sidney felt his heart tighten as the words repeated in his head. You have to let her go. You aren’t good enough.

Leaning down, Sidney gently pressed his lips against her forehead- lingering longer than he should have but hoping he would leave a mark of himself on her (like a tattooed kiss). Pulling back, there was spring in his eyes, but the tussling echo told him autumn filled his heart. So as quietly as he could, Sidney slipped on his clothes and picked up the bag that held all his belongings (he had never bothered to unpack because he was very rarely given the chance to stay anywhere).

Checking back over his shoulder as he swung his backpack on, Sidney mentally took a picture of her once more to store in the most intimate part of his brain- the part that was his and his alone. Exhaling, he grabbed the envelope with Charlotte’s name on it and quickly crept out of the room- not wanting to feel the sting of the moment more than he needed to.

_Lost and forgotten memories were now to fill his heart._

—  
“Sidney?” Charlotte called, walking down the stairs in her dress from last night.

She had woken to an empty bed at 6 am and as the sun light came in, the only thing Charlotte could see was dust floating in the air of the empty room. Charlotte had waited upstairs for a short while, assuming he had gone to get coffee but as time slipped away, she realised she couldn’t wait any more and started to make her way into the coffee shop.

Stepping on the final creaky step, Charlotte could smell the faint scent of coffee in the air and walked towards the machine with a smile on her face. Once she reached it thought, she couldn’t see anyone standing there and turned to looked around the very empty coffee shop- the chairs still stacked on the tables and the sign still turned closed.

“Charlotte?” A high pitched voice called.

Charlotte jumped and felt like her bones had left her skin as she rested her flat palm on her chest. Turning around with a jagged breath, Charlotte looked at the tall,slim, ginger girl stood in front of her and tried to calm herself down.

“Inez you scared me,” Charlotte said breathlessly.  
“Sorry,” Inez apologised.  
“Have you seem Sidney?” Charlotte asked, “I can’t see him.”  
Inez stared at Charlotte blankly before shaking her head, “He didn’t tell you?” Inez asked.  
“Tell me what?” Charlotte said, looking at Inez who was trying to walk away, “tell me what Inez?” Charlotte repeated loudly.  
“He went to Antigua with Roger this morning,” Inez said, looking frightened.  
“He left?” Charlotte said, her breath catching between her lungs, “he left? for how long?”  
“I don’t know,” Inez said, “but he left you a note behind the till.”

Charlotte stood there and felt as though her feet had frozen to the ground. She didn’t know what sound a heart made when it broken but she was sure it felt like this never ending echo of silence- like she was hearing now. He had just left her.

“I have to go,” Charlotte said, moving to the front door quickly and trying to hold the tears welling in her eyes back.  
“But the note,” Inez shouted out, stopping Charlotte in her tracks.  
“If he asks, you tell him he can take that letter and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine,” Charlotte shouted.  
“Charlotte,” Inez said sympathetically, titling her head as she looked at her.  
“You know what Nez,” Charlotte sighed, blinking the tears back, “the problem was never that he wasn’t enough. It was that he was a coward too afraid to try.”

Turning, Charlotte stepped out the door and sprinted. She kept going and going and going... all the way home.

***

_**3rd December 2013** _

Feeling a hand touch her shoulder, Charlotte snapped out of her thoughts and immediately wiped the stray tear from her cheek.

“Charlotte,” Alison said in a whisper, “are you ready?”

Looking down at the crisp, creme paper in her hand, Charlotte looked at the fine cursive one more time before she folded it neatly. She pushed her hand down over her hip- flattening her velvet black dress, and ran a hand over the Pearl studs she had been gifted so many years ago.

“Yeah,” Charlotte mumbled, her hands trembling.  
“It’s time for the service to begin then.”


	18. When I Was Your Man

_**3rd December 2013** _

Staring at the worn, wooden floor as she walked through the church, Charlotte tightly held onto the cream paper in her hand.

She had been working on her eulogy for days on end- wanting everything to be perfect, and yet she still felt like the words weren’t right. They lacked the magic that words carried and the magic that a man like her grandpa deserved to be remembered by.

Nodding her head and just saying ‘thank you’ like a robot every time she was stopped or spoken to, Charlotte finally made it to her seat at the front- her grandmother holding one arm and Alison holding the other. They had both been a mess the past week and so it fell on Charlotte to make all the final decisions- telling herself continuously that she just needed to make it through today. And that was what she was still telling herself now as she sat there and watched her grandfather’s service begin.

Listening to the priest talk, Charlotte tried hard to pay attention but her mind drifted. She couldn’t listen to hymns and introductions about the afterlife or death. Not when she had all these pieces of a puzzle in her min, scrambling to build a full image. Her reading to her grandpa. Talking to her grandpa. Watching her grandpa sleep just to make sure his chest moved up and down. Charlotte couldn’t listen to faded words about him- not when she still saw grandpa at every edge of her mind.

“And now a eulogy from his loving granddaughter, Miss Charlotte Heywood,” the priest said.

Looking at the priest, Charlotte gulped before standing up with shaking hands- all eyes on her. She slowly made her way to the podium, nervously pushing a strand of loose hair out of her face, and readjusting the microphone to play for time. This had to be perfect.

“Thank you everyone for coming today,” Charlotte said, clearing her throat as she flattened the cream piece of paper on the stand, “it means a lot to my family and I that you have come today to celebrate the life of my grandpa,” tapping a finger nervously on the podium, Charlotte looked down at the sheet in front of her and continued, “my grandpa was an extraordinarily man who lived an extraordinary life. He made every room he stood in larger than life it self. He was giving. He was everything a grandparent should be and more.”

Looking out at the sea of people in front of her, Charlotte could see that everyone was staring at her with curious and not necessarily kind eyes. They were mainly just there to pay their respects- not to listen to a girl fumble out formulated, generic words. Biting her lip, Charlotte looked at her sheet before looking up again, shaking her head. She suddenly felt very conscious of herself and as though she was doing this all very wrong.

“Sorry,” Charlotte said into the microphone, folding the sheet of paper in half in front of her, “I lied when I said my grandpa was an extraordinary man who lived an extraordinary life. My grandpa did nothing particularly extraordinary. He woke up and went to work almost every day of his adult life. He came home at seven and ate dinner with his family. He told the usual grandpa jokes. He drove your average car. My grandpa lived an ordinary life... but he was an extraordinary man. The kind of man who would recreate A White Christmas every year for us and would quite literally try and throw a lasso around the moon had we asked him to.”

Charlotte turned to look at her grandmother in the front row. Her eyes were visibly read as she wiped away the tears- using the handkerchief that would alway be found in grandpa’s coat pocket.

“Up until recently, I had never understood the draw of death... not until every word I had saved while biting down on my tongue, filled my mouth like a million grains of sand,” Charlotte said, gripping the side of the podium to steady herself, “The things that I had thought and believed I had time to say, became the things that taught me how to live day by day,” Charlotte bit her lip to buy herself some time as she tried to string her words together in her mind, “Thoughts about what you could have done to change this, can make you sick. Those thoughts can make you wish it was you who left and that someone else felt your pain instead- at least they would still be alive. But still... it is a selfish thought. It’s not what my grandpa would have wanted. There is no should of, would of, or could of. You can do everything right and still lose. You have to accept the change forever and the emptiness that comes suddenly as leaves fall and remind you that new ones will bloom, eventually... after death come rebirth.”

Curiously, Charlotte looked out to the crowd again and noticed that they were all staring at her with more anticipation now. Their eyes filled with interest about where she was going with this talk and some were even leaning forward in their seats.

“Your strength is not your own anymore. It is of every person that you have known, of every challenge you have faced, of every love that you have gained and every love that you have lost. You live for them. The ones both here... and the ones you lost along the way. Because in senseless disarray the only logic- the only shape and form that exists as something definable, is the one that we create for ourselves. As individuals and as a union,” Charlotte continued softly, “and when a piece of it is chipped away, the rest becomes stronger and I know in my heart that it does but... right now, I just can’t say it. My ground feel frozen... and my heart is shattering like glass into a thousand pieces.”

Turning back to look at her podium, Charlotte felt a lump form in her throat and a single stray tear threatened to ruin her carefully curated appearance of strength for the day. Taking a second to catch her breath, Charlotte quickly wiped the tear away and cleared her throat.

“I was told once that there were five stages of grief but that they have no order. They don’t hit you at once and they don’t end on accepting the final out come. You cry, you feel better. Your mind finally wanders for a moment, but like a spark, you see their face as if for an instance reality has left. You feel their spirit in the change of seasons and once again you’re broken again- too tired to find that blindness you had created towards them again. You function once more. Go through your day to day. Until the pain steals your lungs like an endless hiccup. You never stop hoping someone will tell you it was all just a cruel joke... even after touching the base of acceptance once, twice... maybe even three or ten times. To imagine tomorrow without them is doable... but to imagine a lifetime without them is unthinkable... and yet we must learn to unwrite them from our stories and turn the pages without them.”

Charlotte gulped as she looked up. Besides the auditable cries from her grandmother, a pin drop could be heard in the ghostly quiet church hall.

“Look at your hand. See the detail in lines. My grandfather alway said that the  
craft of your hand is a testament to the human body- it can make something original and hold something beautiful an infinite amount of times. Each touch is unique and although one touch may be lost, it does not mean it is forever empty. You and I will have many hands to hold - both old and new. A new hand cannot make up for an old one because what’s gone in your life will forever live in your heart, but a new hand will work to expand the love that your heart can no longer give to that person. An imprint made on your life does not disappear... it only fades over time. My love for my grandpa will leave a part of me missing until I am the one who is lost, but the love that I will share and experience after inheriting that void will begin to make things feel like they are worth fighting for again,” Charlotte said, straightening her back as she felt adrenaline run through her, “I find strength not in me, not in a higher power but in every piece that has made me who I am and who I will be tomorrow; something that is ever growing and stronger than she believes- just as my grandpa alway said I was,” smiling solemnly, Charlotte looked at the large photo of her grandfather stood near his casket, “I knew grandpa more as a friend than my grandfather. Our friendship began when I was quite young and grew as we grew older. Complicated? Of course.”

A quick roar of laughter flooded the hall as people hung to Charlotte’s every word.

“Our relationship was as complicated as it could be. We were two very similar people who had an almost total insight into the other. Occasionally he parented me, other times I parented him. And in between? Endless discussions on the arts, books, food, “the garden”, politics and social issues. We rarely argued but that didn’t mean we agreed,” Charlotte smiled as she stared at the closed casket, “Complicated?Very... and yet, it was him that taught me the biggest lesson in my life. That to truly appreciate and fall in love with life... with yourself... with others... you have to hold on to it with both hands because there are not alway second chances.”

Charlotte felt a knot in the twist of her stomach and instantly looked at the floor- mentally scolding herself for thinking of him in a moment that was meant to be her own.

Exhaling, Charlotte said, “I thought my grandpa’s death was darkness woven around my soul like silk, but in his death...I have realised that each day is sprinkled with faith, trust and magic. And we have to hold onto that magic... and the magic of that hope,” looking back up at the casket, Charlotte sighed, “Grandpa, I have found the strength to untape my mouth and I am no longer afraid of the words. You were the stone that sharpened my blade. The storm on my sunny day. The magic that ignited the life in my bones. But now, you are the starlight looking down on me in the sky and I know, that starlight never dies. Grandpa, we aren’t fine at the moment. We aren’t even remotely okay. But we will be.”

—

Trying to catch her breath from the claustrophobia of all the people crowded in the rooms of her grandparents home, Charlotte squeezed past the procession of green, red, white and yellow flowers and plants that lined the hallways (condolence notes all still firmly attached) and slipped through the the forest of black clothing into an empty side room.

Picking up a bottle of champagne that had been laid for the guests, Charlotte quickly uncorked the bottle and just drank straight from the bottle as she mentally counted the vast amount of jackets that had been laid on the bed. It had been a very long day already and she needed some Dutch courage to keep her going.

Rubbing her forehead, Charlotte heard the sound of footsteps on the other side of the closed door. Pacing around the room for a second, bottle firmly in hand, Charlotte quickly bolted for the cupboard when she heard the bedroom door open and shut the door just the bodies entered the room.

Standing between an array of hangers, Charlotte clutched the bottle to her chest. Even the slight sound of her heavy breath felt too loud and Charlotte wished more than anything that she wouldn’t be found- she didn’t want to wear a mask right now. She just wanted to be herself for a few minutes today.

Hearing the sound die down slowly from the other side of the cupboard door, Charlotte slowly peaked her head out and exhaled audibly when she saw no one was in the room. Lifting the bottle of champagne to her lips, Charlotte began to drink quickly.

“Adults, am I right?” a high pitched voice squeaked up.

Charlotte jumped forward from the cupboard when she felt something graze against her legs. Coughing, Charlotte could feel the champagne going down the wrong pipe and the girl looked at her in confusion as Charlotte struggled to catch her breath.

Now Red, Charlotte stared at the little girl with a heavy chest as she tried to calm herself down- not sure if she was more concerned about the sudden fright or the fact she almost had the wind knocked out of her (and had chocked on cheap champagne).

“We’re you hiding in the closet?” Charlotte asked almost breathlessly.  
“You came in the room and I didn’t want my mum to know I was in here,” the little girl said, clutching her doll in her hands as she crawled out the closet and sat at the foot of the bed.  
“Why are you hiding?” Charlotte asked, sitting on the bed but keeping a good distance, she had had too bad a nights sleep to be worried about a child.  
“I don’t like funerals,” the little girl said, “or adults saying the same thing over and over again.”  
“Same kid. Same,” Charlotte said, sipping on the champagne, “I’m Charlotte.”  
“I’m Rose,” the little girl said, gently brushing the hair of her doll.  
“Pleasure to meet you Miss,” Charlotte smiled.

Charlotte gently patted the spot beside her on the bed as an invitation for the girl to sit next to her. The little girl raised an eyebrow cautiously before jumping up merrily and sitting beside Charlotte.

“You look sad,” Rose said  
“I am a little sad,” Charlotte said quietly, her finger moving around the rim of the champagne bottle.  
“Did you know the man that died?” Rose asked, looking at Charlotte curiously.  
“He was my granddad,” Charlotte said, turning to look at the little girl, “funerals are rubbish. No one ever has any fun. You know my grandpa would hate something like this. So stuffy.”  
“You should have had a bouncy castle and candy floss- everyone likes that more than crying,” Rose said.  
“You right,” Charlotte smiled, “I’ll remember that for next time.”  
“And a chocolate fountain machine. Mummy and my uncle Art alway say that chocolate makes you happy and when everyone is sad, they need something to make them happy,” Rose said proudly, “but mummy also then cries because chocolate makes her put on weight so maybe not.”  
“Noted,” Charlotte giggled quietly.

From the look of her, Charlotte assumed the little girl was about six or seven. Her skin was particularly tanned and Charlotte was sure she’d never seen her around town before and as much as she wanted to ask Rose what she was doing here, Charlotte knew she couldn’t question a child.

“When does this finish?” Rose asked, looking up at Charlotte.  
“When they all leave,” Charlotte shrugged, “but no one seems to be leaving.”  
“This is going to take ages,” Rose groaned, “I’m going to miss my programme.”  
Charlotte looked down at her and smiled, “Who’s your mum? I don’t think I’ve seen you around town before or heard of an Art in town.”  
“That’s because we’re not from around town. We came to visit my grand uncle and to help my other uncle,” Rose said.  
“Help uncle Art?” Charlotte asked curiously.  
“No,” Rose said sharply.  
“So your helping your other uncle to do what?” Charlotte asked, leaning her elbows against the coats on the bed.  
“Mummy said he needed to find a pretty girl here,” Rose shrugged.  
“A pretty girl?” Charlotte smiled, “At a funeral? It doesn’t feel appropriate.”  
“I told you adults were weird,” Rose said.  
“Why don’t you describe her to me and I can help you find her?” Charlotte said.  
“Brown hair. Brown eyes. Not very tall. Pretty,” Rose said.  
Charlotte giggled quietly, “that could be anyone.”  
“I know,” Rose said, jumping off of the bed and fixing her doll under her arm, “you stay here and I’ll get my mummy. She can tell you.”  
“Oh that quite alright Rose. I’m sure mum doesn’t want me-“  
“Wait here.”

Without giving Charlotte a second to respond, Rose had pulled the door open (the handle bashing into the wall due to her small force) and ran out into the crowd of people. Charlotte just sighed. She was stuck here now. But at least she was alone.

A few moments later Rose came rushing back in the room, and caught Charlotte furiously typing away on her phone.

“I couldn’t find my mummy but I found my uncle,” Rose said, almost breathlessly as she clung to her doll in her hand.  
“You really didn’t need to bring anyone,” Charlotte said tiredly, the day seeming to just get longer as she tried to raise a smile for the little girl.  
“Rose I told you not to run off again,” a male voice called.

As he walked into the room, Charlotte felt the phone in her hand fall to the ground- the wind catching in her breath and the room feeling far too hot. He was here. He was standing in front of her.

“This is my Uncle Siddy. He is looking for a pretty girl,” Rose said, looking up at Charlotte.  
Sidney stood there, frozen for a second before smiling and whispered, “We found her.”

Charlotte looked at his familiar face- the memory of him coming back even more familiarly than before. She didn’t care if it was through an open window or a door, but right now she needed to breathe. Hearing her phone ring from the ground, Charlotte picked it up off the floor in a fluster.

“I’m sorry, I need some air,” Charlotte said quickly.

She quickly walked past Rose and Sidney and ran through the crowd of people to the first open door she could see.

She was drowning.

***

_**2nd December 2013** _

Roger’s partner Gloria met Sidney with the sort of disproportionate enthusiasm which he always failed to match. It wasn’t that he didn’t like her, it was more that Sidney and her just never really got on. On good days the discrepancy lead to Gloria going on and on about her life, her friends, her business, her love life, and on bad days it led to stiffed silence or worse: him being handed over to Georgiana (a mumbling toddler) as a conversational partner.

“Georgiana is napping,” Gloria said, nonchalantly as she opened the front door.

It was among the first things she said and Sidney stifled a sigh of relief. Gloria may be a nut but at least he was comfortable having a conversation with her- with Georgiana, he had no control of where the conversation would go.

“I thought that was Roger’s job,” Sidney retorted.

He closed the front door behind himself as Gloria just walked away. Sidney had strategically left his own bag in the trunk of the car- no need to invite an invite. He was planning on travelling up down to Sanditon tonight anyway (London too far for him to go straight home and Willingden to haunting in his memories for him to want to stay).

Gloria walked ahead of him into the kitchen where Georgina was sleeping on the sofa in the corner with some toys tucked under her arm. “Could you put on some coffee? I’m way behind on my orders, I’m just gonna slip out and-”

Gloria didn’t even finish the sentence before disappearing out of the door and slipping into the garage Roger had built for her online business. Sidney stood still for a moment and smiled to himself- a moment of peace.

A squeak behind him, altered Sidney to the fact that he wasn’t in the room alone anymore and that Georgiana was no longer asleep- instead he looked at Georgiana and she looked back at him with tired eyes.

“Just you and me then, huh?”

Georgiana let out a sound of some bubbly variety and Sidney shook his head, like everytime the thought crossed his mind; that Georgiana might recognise him, that she’s his cousin, and that eventually she’ll learn the word Sidney... maybe even recognise him as some sort of brother (considering Roger was the only father figure he’d ever had in his life).

Sidney headed for the coffeemaker and Georgiana made another sound-a protest this time. He walked over to her.

”I’m not going anywhere,” Sidney said softly.

He picked up the toddler. Sidney was confident about it- he had been ever since Georgiana was an infant and he was quick to learn. If Gloria (who fumbled at every thing in her life from making a cup of tea to holding a baby) could do it, it couldn’t be that hard, Sidney thought.

This wasn’t the first time that thought had pushed Sidney into trying something- a strange sort of inspiration. If he were ever to write an autobiography he would probably mention it. ‘I put on coffee, holding Georgiana with one arm. Then I sat her down on her blanket and myself next to it, and lets her show me her toys. If Gloria could do it. Surely I could do it.’

About twenty minutes passed before Gloria came back. She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down next to Sidney and Georgiana. She talked about her orders, about her new line and Sidney offered the polite affirmation sound- he didn’t really really ask any questions though, or offer information about his own life. He was just here to fill formalities.

Roger woke up not too long into Gloria and Sidney’s conversation (if you could call it that), and Sidney immediately offered to take Georgiana for a walk to escape being stuck with his uncle. Roger was the only person who could read Sidney like an open book and Sidney wasn’t in the mood for that- not today when he was trying to avoid all sense of himself.

He took Georgiana to the park just across the street and watched her play, pushed her on the swing and helped her build a track in the sand for her toy cars. They stayed for a while. When Sidney got back, it was late afternoon. He stood by the door and talked to Gloria in an effort to avoid Roger.

“You’re avoiding me,” Roger’s loud voice boomed from behind Gloria.  
“I would never do that,” Sidney said, scratching his head and looking at his watch, “I just have to get to Sanditon. Susan, Diana and Arthur are coming in today and I promised I’d meet them.”  
“Lies,” Roger chuckled, squinting his eyes as he looked at Sidney, “Come take a short walk with me. I want to show you where we’re growing some beans.”  
“I have to go,” Sidney said quickly.  
“Nonsense. Let’s go,” Roger said, resting his hands on Sidney’s shoulders and leading him down the road, “So this is a surprise,” He started, naturally, “Your visit. Gloria told me and I thought, is it Christmas already?” Sidney smiled tightly, bracing himself as Roger continued to talk, “Charlotte need a helping hand for tomorrow or is the secretiveness of today because your just smuggling through?”

Roger looked pleased with himself- like he had figured something out, which was fair, but not exactly a feat that made him Sherlock Holmes. Sidney sighed.

“Yeah, I see how it is; I’m forever typecasted, no ‘lending some support’ allowed,” Sidney said.  
”Oh come on now,” Roger waved his hand in a dismissive gesture, “Did I say that? No. But I know you and-” he lowered his voice, “-your bullshit is showing.”  
“So? I like her- always have. It’s hardly news I’d be inclined to support her in her time of need,” Sidney says lightly.  
“No, you just remind me of someone that’s all,” Roger said, grabbing his jacket off the hook.  
“Yeah? Who?” Sidney said.  
Roger shrugged, “Just someone who regularly plays Golden Retriever at every moment they can.”  
“Im going if you keep this up,” Sidney said, rolling his eyes as he felt himself beginning to come apart at the seams.  
“But you’re probably more of a Labrador, right?” Roger said, having waited a good four years to say something to his nephew.  
“Whatever you say,” Sidney said, pulling up the collar of his jean jacket and walking ahead.  
Roger followed him, “Or maybe some kind of Terrier? Lot of bark.” Roger snickered, and Sidney shook his head.

Passing the endless row of houses, the two of them begin to walk down a beaten path. Roger placed a hand on Sidney’s shoulder. Sidney hated that it still felt odd, that he couldn’t even get used to these simple, kind gestures. He killed the feeling by reaching back and patting Roger on the back.

“How are you?” Sidney asked, hoping that if he made enough small talk, he could finish up with Roger sooner and avoid the conversation he was so visibly trying to dodge.  
“Same old, same old, why would you even ask?” Roger muttered.

Sidney chuckled. Maybe he wasn’t the only one with difficulties. Roger sighed.

“Besides Georgiana who is growing more in a minute than I do in a year, everything’s the same. Town’s as crazy as always, it should try something new sometimes but that’s the definition of insanity, what can you do? Coffee house is the same as always because every time I even consider changing anything there’s a riot- starting at home. Oh, and incidentally; My old lady is the same also, only you won’t catch me complaining about that,” Roger laughed.  
Sidney smiled, “Your old lady? What are you- a biker now?”  
“I can’t refer to her as my girlfriend or partner or I’d never hear the end of it,” Roger said, holding back an amused smile.  
“Plus I bet she’s into the biker-title,” Sidney added.  
“Yeah, well,” Roger admitted.  
“You should marry her- solve that problem,” Sidney suggested.  
“Yeah, but then I’d have to ask her and I’d never hear the end of that,” Roger said.

Sidney laughed. Roger and Gloria’s bickering was a whole lot more fun when they were happy together than when they were apart and frustrated- there was always a note of danger to that which Sidney had grown out of enjoying like he did when they first got together.

Looking up from the bruised and muddy path, Sidney froze in his step. He hadn’t really been paying much attention to where they walking- too busy in conversation with Roger, but now the familiar scene came to the forefront of his mind. Only it wasn’t the oasis he had dreamed of continuously. This time it was real- right in front of him to feel between his fingertips, to walk through with heavy feet and smell like perfume.

The farm. Their farm.

Sidney had avoided this place like the plague- in person that was anyway. If he just imagined it in his mind, then the way the dreams unfolded like paper in a book would be controllable. He would be able to decipher between reality and fantasy. And for years he had been able to define them- choosing the dream of his mirage. Choosing to breath in the air of that summer and the gentleness of her touch as they lay on a blanket of grass. But being back here in person was like returning to a graveyard- something lost to the ground. The farm had been the first witness to the dawn of their love. It watched as their lands filled with heartbroken roses that wilted and soil cracked hearts- barren lines drawn across the surface because they hadn’t been nourished with gentle care.

“Sidney?” Roger said.  
Sidney blinked and turned to look at Roger, “Yeah.”  
“You okay?” Roger asked, resting a gentle hand on Sidney’s shoulder.  
Sidney paused, turning to look at the path trailing to the vast farm once more before he said, “not right now... but I will be.”  
“Let’s go,” Roger said, deciding against saying anything further, “I have a slice of key lime pie with your name on it.”

They head to the coffee shop which was closed now (Inez having shut it earlier as she had to get home early this Friday night and Roger had no intention of working this evening). Walking through the familiar glass doors, Sidney noticed that not much had changed about the coffee house. It still had the same shade of magnolia paint on the walls (maybe with a fresh coat but still looking the same). Pulling out a seat, Sidney took a seat whilst Roger rummaged through the fridge.

“So, what does your girlfriend think of all this?” Roger said loudly as he glowed from the fridge light. When Sidney ignored him, he rephrased his question, “You. Charlotte. You turning up to support her.”  
“She said nothing,” Sidney said, taking a sip of coffee from the mug Roger had slid his way, “mostly because she doesn’t exist. And the only way this weekend is going to become a big deal is if I make it one. I’m just here to support Charlotte during a hard time.”  
“Her grandmother mentioned she was receiving letters from all over the world- New York, Berlin, Madrid, London and even Antigua,” Roger said casually, pulling up a seat beside Sidney and resting the plate on the counter, “how’s it been being back in contact with her for the past year?”  
“It’s fine,” Sidney said curtly. “Kinda nice to have her close actually.”  
“How are you holding up?” Roger asked, “I didn’t take you for one to just send letters. You alway wanted to prove yourself.”  
This was where Sidney hit a roadblock. He wanted to answer quickly and dismissively but the word, a simple fine, got stuck in his throat. He sighed, “Could we not do this?”  
Roger nodded, “Sure. If that’s what you want.”

It was quiet for a few moments, but Sidney didn’t want Roger thinking that he didn’t appreciate him offering an ear, because Sidney did- it was the one he couldn’t do without. Sidney stifled a sigh.

“It’s just, there’s nothing to say- saying stuff won’t fix it. Probably the other way around, and it’s too complicated anyway,” Sidney said, playing with the slice of pie with his fork.  
Roger frowned, “No it’s not.”  
“What do you know?” Sidney snarled.  
Roger held up his hands in admittance, “Okay, fine, situations can be tricky, but your feelings usually aren’t, unless you’re too scared to look at them.”   
“Roger,” Sidney said. It was a plea.  
Roger sighed and shifted in his seat before speaking again, “Remember that girl you used to date?”  
“Which one? I’ve had a few?” Sidney said, raising a weak smile.

Sidney knew exactly which one Roger meant- Clara, but all his girlfriends were all the same person really. No. Not the same, Sidney thought. But they were all into Sidney for the same reasons; his armor, his projections, his power, all built on what he’d been through. None of it what he wanted to be. Sure, a lot of them probably liked a lot of things about him, but it was how he held himself together that really mattered to them. Charlotte was... is not part of that. Sidney still didn’t know exactly what she saw, but knew that it was none of that crap of his. Maybe Charlotte was being honest that night at the Crown; maybe she was lonely without him. 

Roger and Sidney sat silently in the coffee shop for a while- Sidney sipping on his coffee and Uncle Roger stealing bites out of the pie. Eventually, Roger led Sidney up the stairs to the flat that lived upstairs.

Sidney looked around the flat as if it were on fire- every touch she had placed on his skin in this room still burning. The flat had gotten better since the last time Sidney had been here and Sidney assumed it was because Roger had stopped living permanently in it. It was less cluttered, tidy, and Sidney’s old room has been converted into some sort of living room- with a TV and a fold out sofa. Roger got them two beers from the fridge, handed one to Sidney and then turned on the TV. They sat down. 

“You know Sidney,” Roger said absently, lowering the volume on the TV and turning to him. “I’m not saying you don’t deserve the normal kind of contentment. I don’t want you to be lonely, or unhappy, but I want you to have more than enough. Sometimes settling is just running from disappointment.”  
Sidney was not in a position to say anything dismissive, so he swallowed, lowered his voice and said, “I know it’s not normal- being wired like this.”   
“Hey,” Roger said, grabbing Sidney’s lower arm and shaking it a little, “I know you care about Charlotte for real reasons- give yourself some credit. You are so much more than you see yourself for Sidney. So much more.”

There was no response good enough to Roger’s words, Sidney thought. So he didn’t try to provide one. He just turned the TV back on.

“It’s getting late,” Roger said, “I better get home.”  
“Me too,” Sidney said, looking at his watch.  
“Where do you think your going?” Roger said, smiling at Sidney.  
“I’ve got to get to Sanditon. Susan with her daughter, Diana and Arthur should be there by now,” Sidney said.  
Roger looked to the ground with a smile before turning his head back up to Sidney, “your not going anywhere Sidney. Your staying here. I’ve made the spare bed. I’ve left take out menu on the counter because I know you don’t want to sit through dinner with a toddler tantrum and tomorrow you’ll be fresh for the funeral.”  
“Roger I can’t-“  
“I won’t hear of it Sidney,” Roger said, pulling Sidney in for a hug, “you have to learn to let the people who love you, actually love you. And that means getting a good nights rest tonight, okay?”

Feeling uncle Roger’s arms tightly around his shoulder, Sidney suddenly felt like all his broken pieces were being stuck back together.

“Okay,” Sidney whispered.

When Sidney went to bed a while later, he watched the ceiling lit up by the street lights that were too bright- one of Mrs Griffiths attempts to make the town’s zero tolerance on crime a reality, burning away the ‘one-point-eight times a year’ someone actually calls the police with ‘eighteen hundred’ lumens. Stray shadows from the trees snuck into the flat but Sidney just pictured stars dancing on the plain walls- designed just like the ones he had painted ten years ago on the curve of Charlotte’s skin.

Sidney tried to reach for his life in London, New York or even Antigua where he spent so much time writing, in his mind but it felt fake, so he stopped. He listened to the buzzing from the fridge, the light ticking from the clock and the faint sound of the voice in the silence.

He felt the ache in his chest. It wasn’t new- it was the least new thing in his life, but these days he mostly ignored it just like he had done before he moved to Willingden, before he even knew Roger properly. It was only here, in the flat above the coffee shop, that it was actually okay to just feel it. That he had been broken. But what was once broken could be mended. What was broken could fixed.

Roger was right. It’s simple. Too easy. At the tip of his fingers. His tongue. All it would take is Sidney leaning into it, one inch, and he wouldn’t need to say anything else.

And for the first time in a very long time, Sidney actually shaped the words in his head and put them in a sentence. He’s the helpless one. Helplessly in love with Charlotte Heywood.

***  
_**3rd December 2013**_

Rushing out into the garden after Charlotte, Sidney noticed the unmowed lawn and the garden shed surrounded by the failed or discarded projects of the house’s inhabitants- clear that they had been trying all avenues of distraction.

All day, Sidney couldn’t stop looking her. That was just how it was. If Charlotte was in his line of sight, he was looking at her- even when he was too scared to actually go up and speak with her. He watched her from behind a pillar in the Church hall. When she was stood there on the podium earlier, she was visibly tired (her eyes baggy, her skin pale and fine lines had formed in her skin). Yet Sidney thought she was still the most beautiful thing he had seen, and as she spoke, he hung to her every word- absently pressing a finger to his lip to stop himself from cheering her on out loud.

Now, she was standing just steps away from him. Tapping away furiously on her phone as if she were punching someone in the face.

“You don’t have to,” Charlotte said, looking up and cutting Sidney off just as he opened his mouth to speak.  
“Yeah I do,” Sidney said, stepping closer to her and closing the space between them.

Charlotte didn’t look at him but shoved the phone in her hand into the pocket of her midi black dress. She had forgotten her jacket inside and the cold breath of winter was breathing heavily against her skin.

“What are you doing here?” Charlotte asked quietly.  
“I had to visit Roger,” Sidney smiled shyly.  
Charlotte chuckled, “had to?”  
“I’d been neglecting my duties,” Sidney said, trying to make light of this already tense situation.  
Charlotte shook her head, “you’ve been neglecting a lot of duties as of late.”  
“Look who’s talking,” Sidney said.  
“I was going to write back to you but I’ve been a little busy,” Charlotte said, her cheeks going pink, “And you weren’t planning-“  
“The world presented me with an opportunity to end up in Willingden,” Sidney said, slightly regretting his choice of words considering their current predicament but unable to help himself. Charlotte was still like gravity for him, “how have you been?” Sidney said, clearing his throat.  
Charlotte hesitated for a second but then said, “I’m not okay, but I’m being strong.”

Charlotte bit her bottom lip and looked back at the house. It was still flooded with well wishers and although she appreciated that so many people had turned up to celebrate the life of her grandfather, she didn’t want to hear empty words on the tongue of strangers.

Turning to look at Sidney, Charlotte smiled weakly and then looked back at the house. She needed a proper escape. Someone to take her mind off of today with.  
  
“Do you want to go for a walk?” Charlotte asked.  
“Now?” Sidney said, raising an eyebrow.  
“It’s like a funeral in there,” Charlotte said, tilting her head back at the house and flashing her sad smile.  
Sidney nodded, completely understanding what she meant, “okay.”  
“I’ll just get my coat,” Charlotte said.

Once she was wearing her wool, caramel coat, Charlotte and Sidney walked past the gravel drive way and along the road. The Heywood house was on the outskirts of Willingden and was a grander than most of the homes. Although Charlotte’s parents weren’t that well off, her grandparents were extraordinarily well off and they certainly liked to show that wealth.

“How’s it going to work at Roger’s now that there’s little Georgina?” Charlotte asked.  
“I don’t know, depends on what Roger’s in the mood for,” Sidney shrugged his shoulders.  
“Well, how have you slept when you visited before? At Roger’s?” Charlotte asked.  
Sidney laughed without really knowing why, “No way am I actually going to stay at uncle Roger’s house- it’s a mad house with a child. I stayed yesterday at the coffee shop.”  
“Yesterday?” Charlotte said, stopping in her steps.  
“Yes,” Sidney said warily, “I arrived in town yesterday to see Roger and his cohort. We had breakfast with my siblings this morning at the coffee shop. As for today, I’m not too sure where I’ll stay. Arthur is going to stay at the coffee house with Diana- they’re going to stay for a little while.”  
“Why don’t you stay here?” Charlotte said, her voice was quiet.  
“As in the Heywood house?” Sidney said, clearing his throat, “You honestly think Alison would let me sleep within a five mile radius of you?”  
“She does remember we were roommates a few years ago and neighbours before that,” Charlotte said, raising her eyebrows.  
“Every time I’ve been in town before now, she’s alway found some excuse to stop me from coming here,” Sidney said, “even just for a visit.”  
Charlotte snorted, shaking her head, “She is a nutjob.”  
“She’s okay,” Sidney said.  
Charlotte turned her head up to look at him and squinted, “Did I just catch you good-mouthing my sister?”  
“We’ve been getting along better,” Sidney said, shrugging, “I’ve seen her a few times you know- when she’s come up to London and stuff.”  
Charlotte snorted, “Meaning you’ve stopped actively trying to piss her off.”  
“Sure,” Sidney admitted. “But I think maybe she’s been trying not to get pissed off too. It’s a delicate balance, a two-way serpentine road-”  
Charlotte laughed, “You’re full of it,” there was a pause, “But, I am happy you’re getting on better. It’s probably ‘cause I’m-”  
Sidney interrupted, “We’ve known each other for a while now, she’s just gotten used to me.”  
Charlotte looked at him, a bit of wonderment in her expression, “Thank you again for coming today- it was so nice of you.”  
“Stop it,” Sidney said.  
“Stop calling you nice or thanking you?” Charlotte asked.  
“Both,” Sidney said softly.

Charlotte didn’t ask why, and stayed quiet. Sidney still made her heart skip the same way it had done from the moment she fell in love with him but Charlotte let the feeling another unsaid thing be lost to her heart. It wasn’t like she was counting or anything.

The silence between them- the sound of just Charlotte’s heeled boot tapping against the concrete filling in their tension, got pretty unnerving very quickly and Sidney found he hated her silence more than he hated when she shouting at him.

“Hey, have you read Nation?” Sidney asked.  
“Pratchett?” Charlotte laughed, “You read Pratchett?”  
“I read everything,” Sidney said.  
There was a pause. He could see her looking at him from the corner of his eye, “It’s a great book, all categories, you should read it,” Sidney said.  
“I will,” Charlotte nodded. There was another pause- like she had a foot out the conversation, but then Charlotte said, “Why did you think of it?”  
“I don’t know. I guess I came to think about his ideas about magic,” Sidney said, “I liked when you spoke of the magic in hope in your eulogy earlier. It must have triggered something.”  
She gave out a surprised laugh, eyes gleaming, “I can’t believe I didn’t catch that as an angle for you.”  
“And here I thought you knew me,” Sidney said, hand on his chest as he pretended to be offended.  
“Sidney Parker- the nerd,” Charlotte smiled, “You should get those Urkel glasses but you’d probably just look good in them and then where would we be?”

They look at each other, smiling. Charlotte cleared her throat and then just continued walking.

“You were saying something about magic?” Charlotte said.  
“Right. That’s his idea about it anyway, the amount of schooling and practise you need to use magic is so immense that you might as well just do what you wanted it for the regular way. And then there’s wild magic, chaotic and sentient, that you can’t control anyway,” Sidney said, his expressions coming to life as he spoke passionately.  
“Fun,” Charlotte said, more about the way he spoke than what he actually spoke about.  
“That’s the Pratchett appeal,” Sidney smiled.  
“I always preferred Douglas Adams,” Charlotte said.  
“Really?” Sidney said, stopping to just look at her.  
“I liked his characters better,” Charlotte said.  
He nods, tries to stay quiet, can’t, “Speaking of which, did you ever get around to making that list?”  
Charlotte smiled, trying to hold back her laugh, “For our book club?”  
“Yeah,” Sidney smiled.  
“Well it what- two years later? And I’m still struggling. It’s harder than I thought,” Charlotte admitted, “Every time I think of one I can’t help imagining what you’ll have to say about it,” she chuckled, and her voice changed, going theatrical, “and I think it’s really rude of you living in my head like that, paying no rent, making a mess, sharing your opinions even when I’m not asking.”

Sidney laughed but didn’t really think it was funny at all- that was the way Charlotte lived for him. Charlotte alway lived in his mind and not just when books were involved. 

“Well,” Sidney said, “maybe we could take advantage of it.”  
“How?”  
“We could pick out books for each other,” Sidney said.  
“I pick a book for you-?”  
“A book you think I would’ve picked, and the other way around,” Sidney said.  
“And then we switch?” Charlotte said biting down on her lip as she considered his idea.  
“Yeah.”

She smiled and nodded slowly. Charlotte slipped her hands into the pockets of her warm coat and just looked at the winter colours and are trees with awe- new life would spring here soon. As she walked, Charlotte slipped her hand through Sidney’s arms almost naturally. She didn’t not pay it much mind but realised once Sidney had frozen in his step, what she had done.

“Sorry,” Charlotte said, but she just couldn’t seem to pull her arm away from his. Hesitantly she looked at him, “Is this okay?” She asked.

A thing gets its worth from how it’s used, how it’s loved, not how tidy it is or how good it looks, Sidney thought, A pretty girl being comfortable on his arm adds to his worth, so apart from him wanting to pull her behind a tree and just kiss her into oblivion, and that unfortunately being out of the question, it was completely okay.

Sidney nodded. He cleared his throat and nailed his eyes to the road as they walked arm in arm. Despite the fact that they were standing right beside each other, the two of them still felt like there was a mountain of distance between them, like two shores of the ocean that would never meet.

“So, what’s the plan for your visit?”Charlotte asked, “surely you didn’t come to just watch me cry for a few hours?”  
“See my uncle- which I did. I stay tonight to spend some time with Diana, Arthur, Susan and Susan’s daughter Rose. Well have some sort of binge-movie-night maybe. Tomorrow I’ll go to Sanditon and see Mary and Alicia,” Sidney said.

Charlotte nodded her head and they proceed to walking. In the back of her mind, that little voice piqued up. She had never been curious about the rumours surrounding Sidney. She had never cared what he had done before her- that was an unchangeable factor that she had accepted. But she did care about what he had done to her. The words for, her grandfather echoed in her mind and Charlotte knew she wanted to grab this moment with both her hands- but she needed to make sure she wasn’t a going to die holding onto a sinking ship. She had been burned too many times and unanswered questioned would have left her heart forlorn.

Stopping in her steps, Charlotte looked at him.

“Why couldn’t you have told me you were leaving when you went to Antigua ten years ago?” Charlotte asked.  
It was a whisper but it cut Sidney right through. He blinked and saw Charlotte’s shiny eyes looking back at him. He swallowed, “I can’t talk about this, Charlotte.” It came out hoarse- like he hadn’t spoken for days.   
Charlotte pulled her hand back from his arm and ignored Sidney’s response entirely. She kept on talking- her voice full of cracks, “I mean, it wouldn’t have made a big difference back then but it still would’ve changed everything... because I loved you so much... so so much.”  
“I can’t think about that,” Sidney said, forcing himself into action.  
“Why?” Charlotte shouted out into the desolate street.  
“Because I fucked up. I shouldn’t have listened to all those people. I should have brought you flower and held your hand. I should have given you everything when I had the chance... but... when I got my shit together you had moved on and now... now we’re at your grandfathers funeral and I can’t take advantage of that,” Sidney sighed, turning to look at the empty street they were standing in the middle of before looking back at her. He exhaled, “Do you know what I would’ve given to hear this even just two years ago? I would have dropped everything to have just committed to this.”  
“You wish it was different now don’t you?” Charlotte said, “that we hadn’t wasted ten years of our lives falling into a cycle of despair and gloom. That we hadn’t made the stupid decision of letting fate decide when the bottle would spin back around to us.”  
Sidney fumbled, picking up his pace as he tried to get back to the house quickly, “I don’t want to think about this. Not today.”  
“Well I do because I really need to know. I don’t want to keep pushing you away Sidney. I want to cling to you for dear life but I need to know you’d do the same,” Charlotte said, tears streaming down her face as she tried to keep up pace with Sidney, “Why do you alway have to find the flaws in everything?”  
“Because that’s what I do. I have a marvellous time ruining everything I love because that is what I do,” Sidney shouted, his tall body towering over Charlotte’s. His chest was heaving up and down. Sidney sighed, “Why couldn’t you have wrecked me worse in Sanditon?”  
“What?” Charlotte asked in barely a whisper.  
“I never should’ve left the hotel room that night and gone to the Crown. I should’ve stayed there alone. I wouldn’t have talked to Eliza that night. I wouldn’t have made you a villain in my mind. I wouldn’t have told myself that we were soul mates- but not the loving kind. We were platonic. I’d of also never have met Mary and then I might not have brought that flat across the hall from hers. Then I wouldn’t I have run-“  
Charlotte’s eyes widen and she jumped to interrupt him. She spoke quickly and pleadingly, “No, Sidney. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have come to Sanditon in the first place. It was selfish, and insane and I’m so sorry I did that because your such a good person and you didn’t deserve that.”

Sidney looked at Charlotte. She was right, but he couldn’t even bring himself to wish she had stayed away. They may have only been friends, but the last few years... having her in his life brought more technicolour than the black and white he faced without her. Sidney clung to every word Charlotte had left lingering in the air. He so deeply wanted her to be right about him- about him being a good person.

Standing in the middle of the road, Charlotte felt like something was so fundamentally wrong about Sidney being right...right there, and her not being able to do anything about it. Like this crossroad they were at was the final call and now it was time to decided if they were going to step on... or off forever.

“You have to help me out by not-” Sidney began, but paused to take breath. He stared at the floor, unable to meet her eyes, “I’m not up for talking about what might’ve been, okay? Maybe I’ll never be because that where all my buried dreams are and I’m not in the mood to visit the grave of what was.”  
“Sorry,” Charlotte said, trying her best to hide this under insanity and wondering what way she could stop the cord between them from snapping, “We could file this away as just a throw-away line. A dumb joke from my grief.”  
“Jesus, Charlotte. What do you think I’m made of?” Sidney said. His voice echoed along the street and was full of sharp edges, “Why do we alway have to wreck everything?” He whispered.  
“Sidney look,” Charlotte said, brushing the hair loose strand of hair out of her face and looking up at him, “we said if we were ever going to try and do something about us, we would only give it one shot. I can’t be your friend- as much as I say I can. I don’t ... feel things for you in the way a friend should. I feel things beyond just friendship. And I need to know if you feel the same because... time is never our friend and I have spent all day hoping... that you would turn up by my stand and just hold me.”  
“Charlotte,” Sidney sighed, grabbing Charlotte’s wet cheeks with the palm of his hands, “I love you so much... but Your granddad just died. I can’t start something off the back of that. Not when your emotions aren’t your own.”  
“Fine,” Charlotte said, pushing his hands from her face, “not today. Not tomorrow. But I am not waiting for another ten years to start a relationship with you. You love me. I love you. So what it’s going to be because I would very much like to get off this carousel we’re on.”


	19. Chasing Pavements

_**3rd December 2013** _

Pushing through the maze of people in her grandmothers house, Charlotte held the tears back as she attempted to just calmly make her way to her bedroom. His silence was echoing through her mind and every thought started and ended with an insurmountable wave of hurt. Rubbing the back of her hand against her cheek- not allowing the single tear that strayed the chance to give her vulnerability away, Charlotte made up her mind. She was now free to go anywhere she wanted... and she just wanted to be anywhere that wasn’t Willingden... that wasn’t near him.

Clutching onto the rail, Charlotte just about managed to get her foot onto the bottom step when she heard her name (called yet again) from behind her.

“Charlotte Heywood?”

Charlotte felt her skin crawl at her own name- it had become like poison ivy today and she sick of hearing it. Closing her eyes, Charlotte mentally screamed some profanities before gaining enough composure to turn towards the voice.

The woman at the bottom of the stairs (only a meter away) was older and smaller than Charlotte. Her grey hair caught the light and shimmered slightly. Though a few things had changed, the sharpness of the lady’s face and her old fashioned clothing were just as they had been when they both used to know each other; it was Charlotte’s old English teacher.

Charlotte smiled- a bit embarrassed and still very flustered from her encounter with Sidney, but she knew how to put on a good face (Heywood’s excelled at stiff upper lip).

“Miss Rownan,” Charlotte said, reaching for a handshake. The older woman took Charlotte’s hand into her own gaunt hand, “Nice to see you.”  
“You too Charlotte,” Miss Rownan smiled her imperfect smile that made some of Charlotte’s classmates call her names, but always calmed Charlotte. “I’m sorry we have to met under such sad circumstances. I’m sorry for your loss Charlotte. How are you anyway? Did you come back to visit?”  
“Not intentionally…” Charlotte said, her voice fading as she remembered the series of unfortunate events: going to london for her internship, her grandfathers health declining, her visiting Willingden, her seeing the effects on her grandpa, her moving to Sanditon, her seeing it get worse over visits to Willingden, her moving back to Willingden.  
Miss Rownan nodded, “That happens. It’s life.”

Miss Rownan began to speak briefly about the new class of year 10’s this academic year and for the briefest of moments, Charlotte stepped through the portal in her mind and remembered Willingden High. Her teachers were more likely to be a bit frayed around the edges than they were when she got to Oxford but they all inspired a spark in Charlotte- like a plant, they allowed her to grow and flourish no matter which pot they placed her in.

“So, what are you up to these days?” Miss Rownan asked.  
Charlotte blinked at the question and wished she’d steered the conversation better, but she was stuck now, “Uhm… I’m kind of a writer between jobs at the moment,” Charlotte said, rubbing her elbow awkwardly.  
To Charlotte’s surprise, Miss Rownan smiled widely, “Oh, that’s wonderful Charlotte! I always loved your writing,” Miss Rownan said, squeezing Charlotte’s hand.

The memory goes from vague to clear in that instant. Charlotte was bored at Willingden High- always ahead of everyone with her work, and had nothing but time to spare. Miss Rownan would give her extra work and extra assignments. Everything to encourage Charlotte and her love of words.

“Those stories you used to make up and the poetry!” Miss Rownan smiled proudly, “I alway loved that poetry the most.”

Miss Rownan had enrolled Charlotte into competitions to further encourage Charlotte flare for poetry. Charlotte had even won one, now that she thought about it, but it was right around the time her parents passed away, so Charlotte had kind of got lost in everything else (and forgotten about the things she loved).

“Actually I’m more of a journalist,” Charlotte said, a bit lost in thought.  
Miss Rownan raised her eyebrows like she wouldn’t have thought of it, “Oh. Well that’s nice too.”

The two of them smiled at each other in silence for a few seconds. Miss Rownan reached her hand out and patted Charlotte’s shoulder. Charlotte was now itching to get out of there- Willingden seeping in under her skin and suddenly feeling like toxic in her veins.

“I have to get back to it- there’s still a lot of people here,” Charlotte said quietly. She didn’t want to see another face. She wanted to pack her bags and get the hell away from here.  
“Of course, it was nice to see you,” Miss Rownan said, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for your loss Charlotte.”  
“Thank you,” Charlotte said tiredly, “and good luck with the rest of the school year.”  
“I’m beyond luck at this point, but thank you,” Miss Rownan said.  
“Goodbye,” Charlotte said.

Gripping onto the handrail, Charlotte quickly skipped up the steps (the sound of he heels echoing into the symphony of voices) and went to her bedroom. She could hear the muffled sounds from downstairs through her bedroom door but she ignored them. She needed quiet. She needed clarity.

Charlotte immediately got the small duffel bag from the bottom of her wardrobe and threw it open on her bed. She hadn’t been anywhere for the past few years- too afraid to leave her grandfather. She had never travelled abroad because she was too afraid to leave her grandfather. She had never really spread her wings and found her footing for fear of it affecting her availability for her grandfather. But her grandfather was never the shackles around her feet. It was her. Charlotte was always too willing to put herself second; it was a trait she had picked up as a child, always hearing her mother tell her to give her things to Alison because she was the big sister who needed to share. It just took Charlotte long to realise she did not need to share (or completely give up) her own life with everyone.

Catching the beaded frame on her bookshelf as she grabbed a handful of unread books, Charlotte paused and stared at the image. This morning when she woke, Charlotte did for a split second wonder, if when the day was over and the sun was going down, would Sidney be her first proper adventure? He had written to her for the past year- a letter randomly popping up out of the blood (apparently he was trying to save the publishing business by actually using paper instead of the revolution of email- or ebooks). Sidney had written such vivid tales about his travels and writing, touring and working process that Charlotte had just thought that perhaps he would take her along for a ride. But his silence as she waited for him to tell her whether or not he loved her enough to try, seemed to be answer enough.

Charlotte wasn’t going to let Sidney’s rejection stop her though. She was going to live her life now, and if she couldn’t do that with the people she loved, Charlotte would at least find the things she loved.

Rushing to finish her packing, no plan of where to go but with all the gusto in the world, Charlotte didn’t even realise when Alison walked into the room.

“There you are,” Alison said walking into the room. Alison wasn’t much paying attention to Charlotte as she scrolled through her phone, “I know we said we’d have a wake but why won’t these people leave? And did I spy the Mr Sidney Parker here earlier?” Alison raised an eyebrow.  
“Not now,” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes as she folded her dresses into her bag.  
“Finally got his act together-“ Alison started enthusiastically but then stopped herself once she saw that Charlotte appeared to be packing, “Are we going somewhere? Did I miss the memo?”  
“I’m going somewhere,” Charlotte said, not taking her eyes off of her bag, “and on Monday you’ll be back working in London. The hands of the clock will move again. The world will continue to rotate on its axis. We will all carry on.”  
“Charlotte are you okay?” Alison asked, resting her hand on Charlotte’s hand.  
“I’m fine,” Charlotte said, snatching her hand away as she walked over to her desk, “I just have to go.”  
“Charlotte did Sidney speak with you?” Alison asked, rubbing her forehead in confusion.  
“Sidney. Sidney. Sidney. There are other things and people besides Sidney can’t make up my mind Parker,” Charlotte huffed in frustration. Closing her eyes, Charlotte exhaled and calmed down before speaking a quieter tone, “I’m sorry. I just... I need to not think of Sidney Parker any more. Ten years is a long time to feel like an abandoned home and now I need to accept he’s not coming,” Charlotte said, hastily grabbing sheets of paper off her desk.  
“That means he didn’t,” Alison said in a whisper, “idiot.”

Feeling flustered, Alison bit the bottom of her lip as she watched Charlotte pace up and down the room gather her things. She wasn’t entirely sure what had happened- Sidney had promised her that he was serious about Charlotte this time, so where could things have gone wrong, Alison wondered. But Alison knew she needed to say something- if not for her sister, for herself.

“Charlotte I have to tell you what I did that summer,” Alison said with a shaking hand.  
Charlotte wasn’t really listening, her mind planning a route out of the house, “not now Alison. I need to go.”  
“Charlotte this is all my fault,” Alison said, trying to grab Charlotte’s arm but Charlotte was too fast.  
“My phone charger,” Charlotte mumbled as she looked around the room.  
“Charlotte!” Alison shouted, “this is my fault! This whole Sidney mess!”  
Charlotte turned to look at Alison with a raised eyebrow, “Why did you tell him to not commit to me? Did you tell him to not say he loved me back? Did you tell him to keep us spinning of a carousel forever?” Charlotte said, anger burning through her veins.  
“Yes,” Alison said, pausing to think for a split second before shaking her head, “no. Wait what?”  
Shaking her head, Charlotte said, “Alison I don’t have time for this.”  
“No listen to me Charlotte,” Alison said, grabbing her sisters arm and gripping it tightly, “that summer when you and Sidney were a thing. It’s my fault he left,” Alison spoke very quickly- not willing to give her sister an edge way in, “I told him he wasn’t good enough for you. I held his reputation against him. I told him he had to let you go and I just ruined everything for you.”  
“Alison let go of me,” Charlotte mumbled, trying to wrestle her wrist out of Alisons hand.  
“No you need to listen to me Charlotte,” Alison said, “the past year I’ve found Sidney in London- usually at the airport when he’s about to leave the country again, which is kind of a lot by the way. But I found him and I wanted to make amends to you both. I need you to know what happened that summer was my fault. Not his.”  
“Stop Alison,” Charlotte said, closing her eyes as she felt herself at tipping point.  
“But Charlotte you have to listen to me. You have to know I’m told Sidney to back off that August-“  
“Alison stop! I already know,” Charlotte said, exhaling loudly.

There was a sudden lightness in Alisons head, as thoughts began to spin like a storm in her mind. Charlotte knew. After all this time, Charlotte knew. The thought of trying to tell Charlotte this piece of information, had frightened Alison for years. Alison dropped to the edge of Charlotte’s bed and just stared at the ground in disbelief.

“How?” Alison said in a whisper.  
“Did you ever bother to read Sidney’s book?” Charlotte said, looking down at her sister.  
“Book?” Alison said in confusion, “what does his book have to do with this?”  
“It doesn’t take a genius to know that August is about us... me and him,” Charlotte said, sitting down beside her sister, “I was really angry about it when I first read it. You had no right and I... I couldn’t believe you did it-“  
“I’m so sorry Charlotte,” Alison said quickly, taking Charlotte’s hand into hers.  
“You were a dumb fifteen year old who had no business sticking her nose in love. Sidney was a bigger idiot for listening to a fifteen year old though Alison,” Charlotte said looking at her sister with sympathetic eyes, “I’m annoyed neither of you told me when it happened ten years ago. I’m annoyed neither of you thought to mention it seven years ago when I read about it in a book. But I’m not angry at you about it. I’m just angry at him.”  
“Charlotte-“  
“Alison he writes these beautiful words. He thinks these beautiful things. He just never says them. And I know he’s scared... but so am I. I’m scared of sinking and drowning because I waited for a life raft that isn’t coming. I gave him a chance. Now I need to move on.”

Sighing, Charlotte looked around her room. Her safe haven for the past few years. This room- the beige walls covered i photo frames, worn bookshelves with messily arranged books, poster prints and string fairy lights, was every inch a mark that Charlotte had been here. From the royal blue arm chair to the many succulent plants and messily thrown throws. The room had been where Charlotte shut out the noise from the world- but also where Charlotte shut herself off from the world. Now she needed to venture out.

Charlotte patted her hands on her knees before standing up and grabbing her duffles bag off of her bed.

“Charlotte please don’t go,” Alison said, turning to look at her solemnly, “not today at least. Not when our worlds come undone.”  
“I have to go,” Charlotte said, water brimming in the corners of her eyes as she turned towards her door, “my worlds been undone for a while Alison. I need to put it back together.”  
“Charlotte before you go,” Alison said quickly and without missing a beat, “I spoke with Inez and she said-“  
“Well Inez has a big mouth,” Charlotte said cutting Alison before she could finish and rolled her eyes. Charlotte could hear Alison giggling behind her and Charlotte turned around- seeing red, “What?” She shouted furiously.  
“Nothing,” Alison said trying to stifle a laugh but struggling.  
“What?” Charlotte repeated more calmly but the anger was still dancing on her tongue.  
“It’s just that you sound just like him,” Alison giggled.  
“Like who?” Charlotte said.  
“Like Sidney,” Alison smiled.

The words washed over her and Charlotte had to look to the ground to stop Alison from seeing her cheeks flush red and the smile tug at her lips. Charlotte could see it in her head instantly. She could it. Him. The way he used to say the exact same thing over summer. She did sound like him.

“What did Inez say?” Charlotte said softly, turning back to look at Alison.  
“That you told Sidney to stick the note up his ass,” Alison said, looking to the ceiling as she recalled her words from her memory.  
“What?” Charlotte said, scrunching up her nose in confusion.  
“When you left the coffee house ten years ago. Inez told me that you said that to her,” Alison said, shrugging as the butterflies began to move in the pit of her stomach. Charlotte didn’t know about this.  
Charlotte looked at Alison with wide eyes, waiting for Alison to continue, but when she didn’t Charlotte prompted her, “and why did you see Inez after I left? How do you know this information?”  
“I came looking for Sidney that morning to apologise. I felt awful about what I said after grandpa told us- grandma and I at breakfast, how much you liked Sidney and how he approved of your relationship. I wanted to make amends since this one was supposedly going to stick,” Alison said, lowering her voice as she turned to look at the suddenly fascinating ground, “but obviously not.”  
“But the note?” Charlotte said in confusion.  
“Inez gave it to me to pass onto you,” Alison said, putting her hand into her cardigan pocket, “you were alway angry or upset after that so I never thought it was the right time to give it to you. I’d actually forgotten about it until I was cleaning my room last week,” Alison pulled out a stained, folded and greyed envelope from her pocket.  
“You have the letter,” Charlotte said in barely a whisper, “the letter.”

Charlotte felt her heart racing in her chest. She had assumed Inez had thrown the letter away and that the words had been lost to a flame or barren land years ago, but it was now right in front of her. The curiosity to know what was written on that letter had never been stronger- Charlotte only ever having thought about it twice before now. Two days after he had left and she felt the shards of his name cutting her spin. Then again when she read it about him writing this note in his book.

Now she finally could know what it said.

Practically jumping across the room, Charlotte snatched the envelope out of Alisons hand and ripped the envelope open. She needed to know what was in there.

_My dearest Charlotte,_

_I guess I’ll begin with I’m sorry. It’s an inadequate word for what I’m doing but I am sorry. Truly._

_The world around us has gotten too loud and I just haven’t learnt how to muffle out the noise and find the melody yet and so I’ve done the only thing I know to do... follow my fears all the way down and out of your life. Run away. Try to start over. Repeat the messy cycle._

_This whole thing is my fault. I moved a little too fast. I jumped a little too high and leapt a little too far, so I apologise. I’m easily impressed, you see. You’re the first one to send my thoughts over the moon since... well forever I guess, so maybe I miscalculated. Maybe I thought the universe owed me someone like you after all the heartbreaks I never wanted, but it turns out I don’t know what to do with love when I have it. I think I am perhaps built to not be loved._

_There is something I want you to know Charlotte. I think you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. From your eyes to your hair and everything in-between; all of it is gorgeous. Your laugh– even just the thought of it, makes me smile. I spend far too much time thinking about you, talking about you, looking at you. When I look into your eyes, I can't help but think maybe- just maybe, some tiny part of you knows all of this and feels the same way. Then our gazes part and I’m brought back to the reality that I am going crazy chasing something that is too good for me. You deserve someone who can get you the moon- not just look at it._

_Charlotte, I truly think you are the most amazing person I know and have ever known, and I wish we had spent more time together- that I hadn’t wasted so much of May and June just teasing you, but actually baring my soul to you. I wish we had spent every single hour of July and August wrapped in each other arms, but I know you probably got sick of me because I am just me. An ordinary speck in comparison to the complex galaxy that makes up you and your soul. I know nothing is ever going to happen the way we want it to and that there has never even been a possibility of this being a once in a life time thing but somehow I still can't get past it. I’m in love with you but there are far more important things than the irrational feelings I have. Things like the opinion of your family and friends. Like your future, dreams and ambition._

_So, I’ll ignore the way your touch lingers and how I don’t tense at the thought of your hand on my arms._

_I’ll ignore the feelings your memory evokes in me, but the problem is that you're picture perfect. I see sunrises and gold and everything good in your eyes, when all I saw before were half moons and my reflection in a rearview mirror. But that's not all that I fell for- your looks. I fell the farthest over the way words could roll off my tongue without the filter, and the way you listened to them without narrowed eyes or a gun in your back pocket. I fell for you because I understood you, and you understood me, too. I fell in love with your courage and those eyes... those gorgeous, beautiful brown eyes that only ever look at people with kindness. I’ll miss those most._

_I’m sorry that I’ve ruined everything._

_I’m sorry if you won't be able to look at me the way you used to- without awkward silences or pitying gazes. A part of me doesn't know why I’m so sorry. I just want to feel loved again- I think that's all it is. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be loved by you. But you deserved better than someone who doesn’t know how to deal with such emotions._

_I’m sorry I just played into the tragedy of my life._

_That I left... feeling like I had to leave before I got left again. And when I think about it, why wouldn’t you leave me? I am incomplete... I am incomplete and you’d rather grow up than stay with me- a lost boy.. who can never seem to grow up._

_Right now, I need to strip my heart back to basics and find the things I love still inside. I need to be a whole person and not a weight on your shoulders. So I am so, so, so sorry but this is goodbye. I am sorry I didn’t say it to you sooner. Im sorry I didn’t wake you before I left. Im sorry I didn’t say something last night. That would have been too hard for me to do and I know it was cowardly of me to ignore this swelling in my heart- but I am a coward it turns out and I selfishly needed to breathe you all in one more time._

_So goodbye my dear Charlotte. Goodbye until I can learn to love you the way you need, the way you want and the way you deserve. And once I have learnt to do that, I will be turn up again with maybe a sunflower in hand (I know those are your favourite- sunshine just like you) and Ill lay myself bare for you because a life without knowing you... is one that is missing the greatest soul I have ever known._

_Love always,_

_Sidney_

Dropping the letter to her lap, Charlotte could hardly see the words on the paper anymore as tears flowed down her tear stained cheeks.

“Charlotte are you okay?” Alison asked, rubbing the side of Charlotte’s shoulder as she wrapped her in a hug.

Sniffling, Charlotte felt dizzy for a moment as she rested her chin on Alisons shoulder. He was the biggest idiot Charlotte knew. But he was her idiot and Charlotte knew now, that she could go and try to start over in fifty thousand cities but there would alway be ones place that would pull on her heart. The place were Sidney was.

Straightening up, Charlotte wiped the tears from her face and grabbed the sheet of paper from her lap.

“I need to go and find him Alison,” Charlotte said quickly, “I’m stepping off this carousel but I’m not doing that without him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust me


	20. Betty

_**3rd December 2013** _

Sidney stared blankly out at the road until Charlotte had run out of his sight. He wanted to open his mouth. He wanted to put out his hand. He wanted to move. But he was paralysed and every time he tried to move his feet, it felt like they had been frozen into the icy ground.

A few minutes passed. When Sidney breathed, it was like it was the first time for a long while. He was dizzy and for a second, time slowed to a snails pace as the film reel of his life flashed in his mind.

He had been more closed off than ever since climbing down that fire escape two years ago- he had chosen to be for a multitude of reasons. Sidney decided to just work, moved to London where the ghosts of his past couldn’t haunt him. Travelled more than necessary so that no path led to him. Babington and Crowe knew what had happened, but he hadn’t talked about it since informing them that Charlotte would be going to Willingden and he on the next flight to New York for a book tour; and they knew him well enough to not approach him about it when he was like this.

Standing there as the wind blew around him, Sidney felt light (and that was rare for him under any circumstances). He stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked at the pale stars above him as a winters night began to wash the sky.

In that moment, the words of the people around him, echoed in his mind. Not the ones that told him he wasn’t enough- those had long been drowned out by the crashing waves of change. The voices that ran like flicking radio stations in his mind were those of the people who he loved... who he valued. Uncle Roger telling him to seize the moment. Crowe telling him to go for what he loved because it wouldn’t come back. His sister’s Susan and Diana telling him he deserved to find happiness in a world as jaded as his. Mary telling him she would drag him to Willingden herself to sort out the mess he had made (had she not been pregnant again) because she had never seen two people more in love with each other - and so hell bent on not being happy. Even Alison was in his mind and all the times she had visited him in between her shifts in London to see just how real his feelings were for Charlotte. The voices in Sidney’s head all told him to fight for the things he wanted... the things he loved... for Charlotte.

Sidney slowly began to move feet and just like that, his heart was racing again.

The inside of his head was howling. _How long has it been? What have you been doing? Chickening out_. Last time he and Charlotte did this they dove right in. In hindsight maybe it wasn’t the smartest move for two teenagers but still; they had guts... or she had guts and blind faith. Sure, Sidney had done what he could to break everything keeping them apart (trying to prove himself at every hurdle), but it was easy playing rough when you playing the wrecking game (destroying everything because you don’t really expect to make it out on the other side).

On the street just now, that was all Charlotte being honest. She was like that. Charlotte would reach a certain point and then she was in it- balancing the rubble, building something... even if it’s destined to fall apart. Charlotte was brave and Sidney often forget to give her credit for that-most people often did.

Moving one foot after the other, Sidney began to run as fast as he could back towards Heywood house and allowed himself to think of Charlotte properly for the first time in weeks. Running along the concrete road, Sidney heard Charlotte’s voice in his head and actually listened to it- to the last words she said to him. He relieved the feeling of them... the feeling of her. He can make her say those words again- he has to. 

Everything that had happened was suddenly real to him- all of it. What has he been doing for the last weeks? The last months? The last years? There was a part of him that was so used to dreaming about Charlotte like that, that it was easy to file what happened away as just another fantasy. _What if she-?_ Sidney nearly panicked at the validity of the idea; its one of her more impressive traits- her ability to move on.

He processed with his plan of action to get from here to her while he was still running. The roads felt longer and never ending and with each step he took, Sidney was almost certain he was going backwards instead of forwards.

Being so close to each other for even just a few hours, had made Sidney feel like he needed her within reach all the time and with just the thought of feeling her presence beside him, Sidney didn’t focus on what he would say (assuming he’d just know what to say once he saw her), just what he could do. 

Sidney stopped in his tracks as the devil on his shoulder started to pique up. _Was this such a good idea after all?_ Him just turning up out of the blue hadn’t exactly worked in their favour this far. Maybe he needed to show a more temperate approach- something more balanced? Sidney suddenly realised he had her phone number on his phone. Would calling her be a better approach? Did he have anything besides needs and ill-informed actions? Sidney only had to think about it for a few moments before knowing that he did have the words- they were pretty plain... pretty true. A simple I love you too.

Pulling out his phone from his pocket, Sidney skipped over the voice message from Roger and a missed call from Crowe and instead clicked his way through his phone book until his finger hovered over her name. He was deadly nervous all at once but hit dial anyway.

_Two beeps._

How does he even star this conversation? As long as he doesn’t stay quiet, Sidney thought he would be okay. He just needed her to know that he was on his way. Charlotte needed to know he it was him. He was there.

_Four more beeps._

Her voicemail. Sidney listens to her message, heart beating faster at the sound of her chipper voice as his feet burn even faster against the ground.

_‘Hi. This is Charlotte Heywood. Sorry I missed you. Leave a message and I’ll get back when I can.’_

_Beep_.

“Hey, it’s me,” Sidney said, taking a breath, “I love you. I need you to know that. Maybe it’s too late... but I don’t want to be on a carousel with anyone else. I want the whole dam fair and I want it all with you. Call me back anyway. I just wanna talk to you. I’m coming to find you now.”

A couple of seconds passed while Sidney struggled to end the call. He finally did with fumbling fingers and got back to running the rest of the way to her.

His chest was heaving up and down, Sidney’s suit jacket in his hand as he turned onto the cobbled path of Charlotte’s house. The web of people were still there and Sidney didn’t pay much attention to them as he pushed through them.

“Parker,” Crowe said, a drink in hand as he took a small canopy off the tray sat beside him, “what are you-“  
“Crowe where’s Charlotte?” Sidney said, looking around for her.  
“She walked upstairs when I last saw her,” Crowe shrugged, looking around before looking at Sidney with a smirk, “are you doing it?”  
“Doing what?” Sidney asked, his eyes still searching the crowd.  
“Finally winning the girl?” Crowe said, “cause it’s about bloody time.”  
“Yes Crowe. But I need to find her,” Sidney said, looking back at Crowe in growing frustration, “upstairs?”  
“Yes, upstairs,” Crowe said, smiling as he watched Sidney sprint up the stairs case, “thank fuck for that.”

Sidney stuck the landing at the top of the stairs and opened every door that he could along the hallway to find Charlotte. In all the years, he had never been up here. Sidney was sure she was hiding behind just one of them.

Opening the last door after a string of disappointment, Sidney saw the final empty room but stopped before he even crossed the threshold. The space breathed of Charlotte- from the photo frames to the wall decorations. Every inch of this space was hers.

Fairy lights draped around the room. That fake-wolf throw that was alway wrapped around her was thrown at the edge of her bed. Old family photos in beaded frames were hung on the wall. Her pink retro toaster was perched on her desk (she had alway loved to eat a slice of toast- it was the only thing she could properly make after all).

Crossing into the room, Sidney approached the battered, wooden shelves which was haphazardly filled with books and magazines and plants. Sidney walked over to it and ran his finger over the old novels belonging to her and a bowl of sunflower seeds. Charlotte had alway loved sunflowers.

Moving closer to a frame he didn’t recognise, Sidney looked at the photo on the bookshelf. It was her and him. It was Sidney. They were sitting on a tree trunk and his arms were round her. Charlotte’s head was tossed back and she was laughing as though she was the happiest girl there ever was. Sidney ran his hand over the frame- wishing he could remember when the photo was taken because they both looked so happy. That’s when he saw it. Placed right beside the frame.

_There it was._

The worn copy of August just sat on the shelf like a pair of eyes watching the room. Like a hypnotic medallion, the book drew Sidney towards it.

Grabbing the book eagerly off the shelf, Sidney touched it so gently that you would think he was holding a piece of glass. The front of the book was not like he remembered but Sidney couldn’t help and for a second Sidney was disappointed that the original etching on the front had disappeared. However that didn’t stop him from taking a peak inside the doggy eared book- suggesting Charlotte had read (or at least stared) at it many a times.

Sidney turned the page and his eyes caught on a scribble punctuating the bottom left corner. He squinted and pulled the book closer to his face.

It was the first chapter, the second paragraph, where Sidney had written about seeing Charlotte for the first time and felt like he had had the breath taken out of his lungs: _I didn’t know it yet, but that was the day my whole life was going to change._

Each letter curled neatly into the next, without a single capital or space breaking its flow. And despite some wear to the ink (it had clearly been there for quite some time), the flawless cursive script gave off a primary school teacher vibe but Sidney knew better- he knew this writing. This was all hers. Flicking a few pages, Sidney continued to read between the margins of the pages.

When Sidney had carried Charlotte’s groceries home after he had caught her struggling on the town green: _I cannot count the ways in which you have brightened my life._

_Page flick._

When Sidney had caught Charlotte looking at him through his rear view mirror that time he had given her a lift home: _I was infatuated with you; you were everything. I almost forgot that I was everything too._

_Page flick._

Sidney handing Charlotte her regular cup of coffee in the morning at the end of July: _p.s. I never told you then that I was starting to fall for you._

Flipping the pages, Sidney frowned. On each page, a sentence was underlined in thick, black ink. Three pages on, yellow highlighter dotted the paper, illuminating random words: _fell, alarmed, disjointed, weathered, thick, fog, her_. Again, Sidney shifted through the pages, moving chunks of paper at a time.

Charlotte taking hold of Sidney’s hand for the first time as they walked for the first time in the shadows near her home: _you soothed me like lavender on a restless night. You lured my heart into the field and damned me to endless sleeps, dreaming of your intoxicating love._

_Page flick._

In the back of Sidney’s car after their first date at the bookshop: _I would give anything to run my fingers through your hair- even if I have to do it in secret down the autobiographical aisle again._

_Page flick._

Laying in the grass after their first time in the field: _You were everything to me. You could probably have moved mountains. I gave you that power. But at the time it didn't feel like I gave you anything, it just felt like that was who you were. I just couldn't see any flaw in you. Everything about you made me love you even more.  
_

_Page flick._

Sidney talking about not ever being seen as enough when he and Charlotte had said I love you for the first time: _You are just okay. Okay in everything you have, in everything you are. But your Okay is my everything... and you never believed me when I said that._

_Page flick._

Alisons conversation in front of her house with Sidney: _Despite everything, I still believe we could have worked out. If we had tried a little harder, fought a little stronger, sacrificed just a bit more, learnt to block out the noise. We could have been something amazing, don’t you think so? But neither of us were ready then, not really. And now that I am ready, too many years have passed. I lost you to the passage of time and the echo between other peoples words._

_Page flick._

Sidney knowing Charlotte would be waking up alone: _When you left, I had to learn how to breathe again. I had to unlearn how to love you and how to not look for you in everything. I had to start looking for me. I had to remember what I liked and who I was before you came into the picture. But god, it was so hard. It still is.  
_

_Page flick._

Sidney walking out the door that morning: _Look me in the eyes when you leave me._

_Page flick._

Sidney leaving the note on the till for Charlotte: _In my first year of university, I took a philosophy class on love sex and death, and we talked about what love means and I never understood the paper we analysed that talked about how love is the same and how you lose who you are in it because you pick up traits that are the other persons. I never understood it until now, because now that I have stepped away from everything that happened between us, I see it clearly._

_Page flick._

Sidney writing his book in Antigua: _You just weren't who I thought you were. I don't want to spend time thinking about everything you did that broke my heart and I don't want to talk about how much of a bad person you were for it because I don't want to be bitter about it but I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop loving you. All my broken pieces, they still beat for you. I’m drowning in the shards of your name._

Sidney felt a sting in his heart as he read the notes. He was entirely aware that this was his own fault. That it was his own doing. He had never meant for them to both come so undone by the whole scenario- it was only one summer... a life changing summer but a summer none the less. Yet they both had been scarred by the consequence of his actions.

Gulping, Sidney’s heart raced as he tried to work through his own emotions. He felt a so much pain, so much anger and so much hurt. He also felt a lot of guilt. Both for the part he played in this mess years ago and also for over stepping every line by reading these notes (which practically read like pages from a personal diary)... yet Sidney couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t put the book down.

Tracing the cursive, Sidney noticed the difference in pen colour (a transition from black to blue) as he flicked back through the book. The pen marks looked fresh- like they had been written within the past few years as opposed to when his book had just come out. Sidney continued to pry.

Sidney falling in love with Charlotte at the bookshop (looking at her through the spines of the books and holes in the bookcases): _I’m begging you please don’t make me fall in love with you again if you aren’t planning on staying and loving me too. I can’t be ripped apart like that again._

_Page flick._

Sidney and Charlotte sat in the field for the first time, trying to read the lines in each other’s palms: _You don't know me because you haven't asked me a question since August eight years go, and I am finding people who want to hear about my life and my feelings but I don’t want to talk to them. I want to talk to you._

_Page flick._

Sidney telling Charlotte about the rumours in Heywood farm and Charlotte telling him they’d be fine: _I’m learning that the problem is I’ll drown myself in poison and tears before I fall out of love with you... even when the warning signs are flashing right in front of me._

_Page flick._

Sidney talking about the time he had come back to Willingden from Antigua after he had just completed the first draft of his book and saw Charlotte at Mrs Griffiths third wedding with Edward (his hands around her waist as they danced): _My lips no longer look for yours in the shape of the those that belong to the boys who came after you. I had to learn to move on._

_Page flick._

Sidney speaking with uncle Roger about the demons in his mind and the way he was trying so hard to try and feel like was enough (even when he believed he really wasn’t): _How can you complain about rejection when I fought so hard for you?Page flick._

Sidney kept flicking through the book until he arrived at the end. He was filled with both relief and a great sadness- despair filling every vein in his body as he tried to figure out how he was going to be able to fill in all the holes he had created.

And there, wedged in the margins, Sidney found another note- the one he swore he saw when he first saw the book in Mary’s flat just a few years ago.

Pulling the note out eagerly, Sidney threw any guilt of invasion out of the window and quickly unfolded the pages- he had alway meant to circle back to this note (his curiosity increasing from the moment he had seen it), but he’d just never found the chance. Exhaling, he read quickly.

_‘a piece of me  
still loves you,  
a part of me  
still holds onto us.  
unable to let go,  
unable to clear my mind of you.  
unable to peel off your name  
that’s engraved in my heart  
and the heaviness that follows with every letter that falls  
all the memories  
and all the laughter.  
All the love._

_Our first kiss, my first love.  
More than anything  
wanting you to be my last._

_Not wanting to cut the cord that  
connects me with you  
Not wanting to forget  
the way you used to look at me  
and the butterflies that made it hard to breathe  
but helped me learn to fly again._

_But the butterflies in my stomach,  
Are now a knife stabbing my back._

_I need to let you go  
because you already did  
you  
are not there  
you  
are not here  
and I need to remind my heart  
that  
you  
are not  
mine  
anymore.’_

—

“Uncle Siddy,” Rose said running up to her uncle as his foot hit the bottom of the stairs.

Sidney looked down and could see Rose running over to him through the cluttered crowd of people- her doll still firmly pressed under her arm. Sidney inhaled, feeling like he was going to lose it if he couldn’t find Charlotte soon. Turning down to his niece, Sidney decided to keep clinging to words.

“Rose have you seen Charlotte?” Sidney asked.  
“Who?” Rose said, slipping her hand into her uncles as he began to moved around the room.  
“Charlotte,” Sidney repeated, his head held high as he searched for her.  
“Charlotte?” Rose asked, scruntiching her nose as she thought, “you mean the pretty girl?”  
Sidney stopped in his tracks, smiling as he looked down at Rose beside him, “yes. Have you seen her?”  
“Sidney what are you making my daughter do?” Susan said, raising an eyebrow as she scooped Rose up into her arms. Diana followed closely behind her.  
“I’m looking for Charlotte,” Sidney said quickly, turning to ask a waiter and disappointed when he said he hadn’t seen her.  
“Mary said you’d bottle it until the last minute,” Diana said, shrugging as she sipped on her cup of tea.  
“Roger said he’d bottle it all together,” Susan giggled, squeezing Rose in her arms.  
“I haven’t bottled it,” Sidney said, rolling his eyes, “I’ve just lost her.”  
“Oh but I think he did,” Susan said quietly to Diana.  
“Have you seen her?” Sidney said, looking at his sisters with wide eyes.  
“I saw her with Mrs Griffiths last but I haven’t seen her since,” Diana said, “try the front room. Loads of people there.”  
“Thanks,” Sidney said, pecking Rose on the cheek and squeezing his sisters shoulder as he walked in between them.  
“Don’t screw it up- we know your way better than that!” Susan added, smiling as she looked down at Rose in her arms and Diana beside her.

His shoes were almost skidding against the floor as Sidney briskly walked through the house. The sense of urgency in him was high and Sidney feared that if he let the moment pass, the winds would carry Charlotte away before he even had the chance to say something. His heart beating in his chest, Sidney grew in frustration quickly as his shoulder crashed against many bodies in the crowded rooms, but Charlotte was still nowhere to be found.

“Crowe!” Sidney called when he saw the familiar face and quickly moved to grab his arm, “Have you seen Charlotte?”  
“Firstly,” Crowe began, pulling his arm away from Sidney, “personal space Parker,” Crowe patted down his suit sleeve and then grabbed a glass of scotch from a passing tray, “Secondly, she’s outside. I think she got cornered again but she looked pretty sad.”  
“Sad? Like my grandpa just died sad? Or sad like my hearts broken by this idiot sad?”Sidney said, his heart in over drive.  
“Parker, I’m not a mind reader. I do not know,” Crowe said, grabbing Sidney by the shoulders, “Stop babbling with me and go get your girl- and actually get her this time before you lose her again because then we’ll have to start putting bells on you both,” Crowe rolled his eyes, downing his scotch.

Exhaling, Sidney straightened his posture and felt a rush of adrenaline jolt through his body. This was going to be it. This was going to be the moment he had waited so long for- as long as he didn’t screw it up. Nodding his head (more as an affirmation to himself than anything else), Sidney began to step towards the front door.

“Other way Parker,” Crowe said, jumping towards Sidney suddenly and pulling him by the collar to direct him to the back door.

Sidney fumbled a thank you- the nerves still simmering in his veins, as he looked around for her. Stepping onto the cobbled path of the Heywood garden. His breath was heavy, his palms were sweaty but his mind was made up.

Sidney suddenly felt himself being drawn into the mouth of the garden. And there she was. _Like gravity_. Taking Sidney’s breath away before she’d even turned to look at him.

Standing in that old, worn cardigan that she had owned since she was about thirteen, Sidney took a second to steady himself.

When Sidney was a child, he had always been told that people in love would alway be willing to be a part of your world- that’s what made them great. But the thing was, Sidney didn’t need more parts to his world- he already had his own life to mismanage and he didn’t need anything else to hang on a thread (simultaneously revolving in his orbit and out of it). And maybe that was the point. Charlotte wasn’t a puzzle piece. She was a whole person. She was Charlotte.

Feeling the waves of love flood every shore of his body, Sidney had the feeling he had been searching for his entire life- or at least for as long as he could remember. Because suddenly the world had gone quite and he felt safe in his own head.

_He was going to be a different man this time._

“Charlotte,” Sidney said almost breathlessly.  
Turning her head, Charlotte froze as she saw him, “Sidney.”  
“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Where did all these people come from?” Sidney said, his pace picking up as he walked towards her, “it doesn’t actually matter because I’ve found you.”  
“Mr Parker,” Mrs Griffiths said with a smile as she turned to look at him approaching from behind her.  
“Sidney,” Charlotte repeated breathlessly, the tears swelling in her eyes at the sight of him and her breath catching in her lungs.  
“I’m sorry it took me so long to find you. I took a detour and I found this very interesting read- perhaps it can make our book club list?” Sidney said.

Stopping only inches away from her, Sidney pulled out the worn, old copy of August from his jacket pocket and slowly raised it to cover his mouth.

“I’m sorry I read it,” Sidney said, trying his best to keep calm.  
Charlotte smiled weakly, putting her hand into her cardigan pocket and raising her own letter up to meet his gaze, “I’m sorry it took me so long to read this.”

Sidney almost chuckled. Of course the things that would make them see the most sense were the things hidden to the chambers of time; Charlotte and Sidney both all too aware of how words (poems, stories, letters and notes) were their attempt to make raw, unreasonable truths passable to the human senses.

“I was just speaking with Miss Heywood,” Mrs Griffiths said, clearing her throat.  
They had both forgotten she was even there. Looking at her, Sidney said, “I’ll just be a moment.”  
“I was telling Charlotte about what I had told-“  
“Mrs Griffiths!” Alison shouted, practically sprinting across the grass towards them, “my sister is finally having a moment which has frankly taken too dam long. Move!”  
“Alison how dare you,” Mrs Griffiths began, “wait until your grandmother hears about this.”  
“Yeah, yeah- sue me,” Alison said, grabbing Mrs Griffiths by the shoulder to the side of the garden.

Charlotte and Sidney pressed their lips together to for a thin line- each of them trying to suppress a laugh.

Putting their pieces of paper to their sides, there was so much to say and so much that didn’t require words. Sidney didn’t know how to explain just how Charlotte had swept him off of his feet so unexpectedly from the moment he had seen her- actually seen her. Standing there, the world was in slow motion and his imagination was running trying to keep his shaking hands still and his mind clear.

Sidney gulped. _This was it_. This was the moment where he could imagine a world where the two of them could go out to dinner on a Saturday night and no one would think twice about it. The simplicity of it, sometimes made him want to cry. The smallness of it. Especially, when Sidney had worked so hard for a life that was fairly grand. But this was all he wanted- the smallest freedoms from the mental cages he had built. To change imagination to reality.

_The daily peace of loving plainly._

“It’s alway been you Charlotte,” Sidney said, almost breathlessly as he felt the weight of his truth lift off his shoulders, “I tried not to make it you so many times over the years, but it didn’t take. I thought-” Sidney exhaled, taking Charlotte’s hand into his own and nervously looked at her, “See, it turns out I had changed. You changed my life- not by doing something but by just being a choice I could make. A choice I made. And I really don’t want to go back to what I was before- too broken to move on. That’s why I’m here,” Sidney paused, before speaking again, eyes to the ground, gesturing to keep the pace, “This means something. I can’t just chuck it up to senseless cruelty or let it play out as a fantasy in a book because this is real. Your real,” Sidney took a shaky breath and looked at her, “And I just want you to know how much I love you... because I love you. I love you. I love you.”  
Charlotte raised an eyebrow as she looked at him, “You think I don’t know you, just because you never open your mouth voluntarily? I know you Sidney. And I know you love me. Just like I love you,” Charlotte said.  
Sidney laughed lowly to himself, before looking at Charlotte and catching her eyes, “I’m sorry I was dumb and young and didn’t realise what I had when I had the chance. I’m sorry I made problems for us when we were fine all along. I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you a couple years ago. I’m sorry I tried to make the sun a candle with all these other women who didn’t even hold an ounce of your brightness. I’m sorry it’s taken me ten years to say all this. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get off my high horse on that carousel.”  
“Sidney-“  
“I’m sorry I waited for the seasons to swap our leaves for snow. I’m sorry I don’t have a sun flow at hand. And I’m sorry for crashing your granddads funeral and standing in a garden telling you this in front of all these people,” Sidney said.

Charlotte giggled. Turning her eyes around, the garden was silent- the leaves not even daring to rustle. Everyone was staring at them. It felt like the crowd had multiplied- like the people from inside had come to watch them. Front row seats to a private show.

“There are a lot of people. This will probably make the towns breaking news,” Charlotte said, raising a cheeky smile.  
“I don’t care,” Sidney said, putting the book and note into his jacket pocket and clasping Charlotte’s cheeks in the palm of his hands, “Your arms keep me so steady that nothing can fall apart. I used to be afraid of my words but with you’ve learn to just let them all out. Your brown eyes... god your brown eyes are like coming home. So, Charlotte Heywood, will you have me? Do you still even want me? Because I want to be your everything and more. And I know I’m going to say it everyday for the rest of my life, but I want you to know that I am yours.”

Time slowed as Charlotte looked at him. She had wanted this since August, ten years ago. She had wanted this every time she saw him across the hall, or in the room next door. She had wanted this for so long. And now it was finally here.

Resting her hand on his hips to pull him closer, time began to lose all meaning as Sidney gave no indication, no sign, of wanting to let go of her. 

Gulping, Charlotte raised an eyebrow as Sidney looked at her, “So you are you going to kiss me in front of all these stupid people or am I going to have to do that as well?”

For a second, Sidney looked like he had been struck by lightening. He blinked and everything was clear. His hands closed around the back of her head, holding her in place, and then he kissed her like he had been waiting for a thousand years. It was slow at first, lips brushing- caressing each other. They held each other close and they both let it come back in every breath. It was partly muscle memory- cogs in an old machine starting to turn again. She’s back at the fire escape a couple years ago. She’s struck by vertigo in the Crown a few years before that. Then she’s seventeen again- taken by his kisses on the sofa, on street corners, on top of her, in his bed, in the tall grass at Heywood farm, in between bookcases. Everywhere and anywhere they could.

It was everything falling back into place. Everything feeling right again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter on Friday :)
> 
> Thanks for ready xoxo


	21. Kiss Me

_**21st March 2020** _

Sitting at the table, Sidney realised there was no combination of words he could write on the back of the postcard in front of him to explain his heart. There was so much he wanted to say but there was also so much that could be said with just the gentle touch of a hand or slip of a kiss.

Leaning back in the chair, Sidney felt the glow of the rising sun illuminate his skin as he looked out at the trees that dressed the street outside. The shops were closed, the towns people were sleeping and the air whistled quietly as the world spun on it axis and life began to softly spring into its step.

His pen was shaking in his hand, as Sidney imagined the past few years of his life. Living in Sanditon, travelling the continents, writing two novels, successfully growing the publishing company to more regions and finding time to live his life the way he wanted. With love by his side... with Charlotte by his side.

It wasn’t easy for Sidney. On most days the demons in his closet still haunted him like ghosts and the echoes of voices from years gone by still replayed in his mind in the moments he felt lowest. And on some mornings when he was his bed and that familiar scent lingered, Sidney even waited for the elixir of his dreams to wear off when he turned and woke up next to Charlotte- thinking this could only... just be a dream. And yet he could touch it. He could feel. He could breath it all in without inhaling the smoke from the fires he had once created.

One thing Sidney had realised over the past few years was that he had never been taught how to love. And it made Sidney curious- was it something you were born knowing how to do? Or did you learn from examples? If it was the later, Sidney thought he was screwed. It wasn’t something he had watched his parents do. He was never around his sisters long enough to pick it up. Even Roger wasn’t in any thing serious when Sidney stayed with him. If Sidney only knew how to love by example, then he had no idea how to love someone... but he had so much of it to give and so much of it to give to Charlotte.

Their lives together were fairly mundane but even the smallest, most trivial matters, filled Sidney with joy (for he thought he’d never be allowed to have them). They spent many evenings reading by the fireplace they had installed in Mary’s flat (which was now their home since Tom and Mary moved to the old Parker house with their two little ones - and third now on the way). They discussed their favourite poets and edited creative pieces on the fireplace. They spent their nights tangled up in sheets and falling asleep to stars scarred on their skin from each other’s touch.

All their moments found their way into Sidney’s dreams at night- fading when the morning light would sing. But as the dreams found their way into Sidney’s day to day scenes, he was under the impression that he was somewhere in between his dreams and reality. Just him and Charlotte.

And despite the noise that flooded his mind, Charlotte looked at him with those warm eyes and Sidney found that it was quiet when he was coming home.

“Come back to bed,” Charlotte said quietly as she turned in the bedsheets.  
Sidney smiled, not even flinching as he awoke from his inner thoughts, “it’s morning now.”  
“Tell the sun to go back to bed then and come join me,” Charlotte said groggily.  
“We can’t. You need to get up,” Sidney said softly, putting his pen down on the table and slowly moving over the bed.  
“Uhh,” Charlotte groaned, tiredly sitting up to look at him, “do I have to?”  
“You also need to leave. Roger and all the beastly Parker’s are going to be here in thirty minutes for breakfast and you know what they’ll say,” Sidney said, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear.

Runnings his fingers over Charlotte’s bare skin, Sidney smiled as he watched her breathe in the familiarity of the room. The flat above the coffee shop had been the witness to more of their relationship than they’d of cared for and they were both grateful that those walls could not talk.

“You know,” Charlotte said, looking around the room as she wrapped her arms around her duvet covered knees, “I don’t think I’ve ever snuck out of here before.”  
“First time for everything,” Sidney said with a smirk, raising his eyebrow.  
“I feel like a teenage girl again,” Charlotte giggled.

Since Charlotte had snuck in last night, they’d had each other quite a few times already- including once in the minuscule shower. He made her happy and let her do the same for him. Charlotte had fallen asleep- body wrapped around his and one of her legs gloriously across his hip. Sidney knew he could have fallen asleep but forced himself to stay awake for this- being full, filled by the moment and by the person he was with.

He should have rested- it was going to be a long day following and Sidney knew it wouldn’t be long until he was overtaken with wanting her again. He already felt it; a low hum, or Charlotte waking up and jumping him. Sidney laughed silently at the thought as his body ached for all the right reasons and he took a shaky breath from being so damn happy. 

Charlotte had stirred a few times in her sleep last night and Sidney stroked a hand down her arm and rolled her hip softly against his side- making a cooing sound. 

He thought about the past seventeen years. The door closing behind her. The way he shivered slightly at the thought of her for years. The voices of all the people that still lingered. And Charlotte’s voice time and time again. Sidney thought about how they had been reinvented in time- fate drawing them back together and gifting them another (couple hundred) chances.

Biting his bottom lip as he looked at Charlotte shimmering in the few rays of morning sunlight, Sidney moved forward and pressed his lips against hers. Charlotte was surprised for a moment but quickly responded- taking his cheeks into the palm of her hands as she laid back in bed and pulled him closer to her. Sidney carefully moved on top of her- slipping his tongue into her mouth and sucking gently on her bottom lip.

“What was that?” Charlotte said, pulling back as she heard a muffled door slamming shut downstairs.  
“Sidney?” A voice called out.  
“Roger,” Sidney groaned, resting his head in the crook of her neck in frustration, “you go out the back. I’ll keep him busy out front.”  
“Okay,” Charlotte said as they both got off the bed and she grabbed her dress off the floor.  
“Oh and Charlotte,” Sidney said, grabbing hold of the brass door handle before looking back.  
“Yeah?” Charlotte said, biting her bottom lip as she looked for her other shoe.

Wrapping his finger through her messy curls, Sidney pressed his lips gently against hers. Time slowed for a moment as he softly sucked on her soft lips- sipping in the moment as suddenly all the stars that had fallen from his heart over the years, into her lap, felt closer.

Pulling back, Sidney exhaled, “I love you.”  
“Love you too.”

—

“I feel like so much changes every time I come here, like my rap sheet is as long as the length of my arm,” Charlotte giggled as she played with the emerald engagement ring on her finger, “I’m sorry I haven’t come more often- I’m just away so often. That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you though- any of you. I don’t think I could ever forget you.”

Charlotte bit her bottom lip as she pushed a strand of lose hair out of her face. Running her hand through the still damp grass beside her, Charlotte pulled a small daisy out of the ground and just stared at it for a moment. If only she knew the things she knew now when she younger.

“When I was little, you alway told me to live my life to the fullest. A lot of the time I failed miserably at it. I let things get away from me and I allowed myself to crumble under the weight of other people expectations. But... you want to know what living life to the fullest actually is? It’s waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints. It’s knowing you always deserve to laugh. It’s doing what feels right no matter what. It’s doing what you want to, no matter how stupid you look. It’s about being yourself, because no one can tell you you’re doing it wrong. It is the most liberating feeling in the world- finding the things you love and the people you love, and not being struck down by them,” Charlotte smiled tiredly, “sometimes I feel it took me too long to learn that.”

Pulling at the petals of the flower in her hand, Charlotte reflected on herself for a moment. For years, if she had to pinpoint her flaws they all trailed back to her family and the people she loved- she would drop everything for the people she loved (drop things in a heartbeat). The problem was, a lot of the time it left Charlotte chasing shadows down a dark tunnel, and then being left alone to navigate in the dark. Charlotte didn’t know then that they weren’t her flaw. They were her strength- but she needed to learn to listen to the flicker of light in her tunnel first, before being put on by someone else.

“You read fairytale and stories. You watch films and tv. You think you need to be a damsel in distress to survive. To find the things that make you you. But I didn’t need saving. Everyone keep saying I did but I really didn’t. I was found and appreciated for exactly who I am. And that was everything,” Charlotte exhaled, feeling a contentment she had carried for years, “that’s what made me fall in love with Sidney so much. He never tried to fix me- sometimes he could have been a bit more forthright, I won’t argue about that,” Charlotte giggled, flicking her bare flower to the ground and plucking another from the field, “but I was found and appreciated for me. I’ve thought about it a lot recently you see- Sidney and I. I think it’s because I had to write my vows and that was a challenge and a mile in itself. But I really thought about so much.”

Slowly running her finger up the curve of the broken stem, Charlotte beamed as she thought of Sidney. She could picture his every curve in her mind- sure that if she just thought about a little bit longer, she could step through her mind and he would be within touching reach.

“I fell in love with his mind first. The way he spoke so passionately about the things he loved and made him happy. But most importantly with the way he spoke about himself,” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes as the words echoed through her mind, “He said he wasn’t unique. That he was just like every other person in this world. Well now I hope he’ll never say it again. Because it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard fall from his lips. He’s so unique in my eyes. He always has been.”

Her cheeks flushed red as the words ran like water from her tongue. Charlotte felt like a tap had been turned on in her brain and she was now dripping like an overflowing sink with words, ideas and thoughts- all about Sidney... all about being happy.

“Oh and eye contact,” Charlotte laughed, shaking her head slightly from embarrassment, “Eye contact is such a dangerous thing. But lovely... oh so lovely. Sidney felt that too. We spoke about it after he published his last book- it’s a beautiful story. Full of hardships and struggles and two people who scarficed all that and more in order to show some love to each other,” Charlotte said, her shoulder relaxing as she recalled the story that flooded pages, “It was the boy who couldn’t get over “the most beautiful girl in the world” and the girl who couldn’t seem to manage to live a life without him. It was the sneaky eye contact from across the room as a signal to leave early and walk through knee high grass or the secluded coves together. It was the drowsy eyelids the morning after they stayed up until three am in the hopes of learning every detail about each other. It was the summer nights spent looking at the stars, sipping on wine, playing cards, and listening to their favourite songs. It was the endless hours talking about their favourite stories- the ones that wrapped around them old blankets providing warmth and comfort. It was the firsts - kisses, concerts, drinking, exploring big cities and leaving their initials carved into the base of a wisteria tree. It was love letters and phone calls and the tightest hugs after not seeing each other for far too long. It was finding an empty parking lot to make out in, ripping her favourite dress apart at the seams and dreaming about their future together,” Charlotte paused and looked at the names in front of her, “sorry. Too much information there,” she laughed, looking at the ground as she continued, “It was the feeling of finally being together after spending so long wishing they were. It was family dinners and walks along the unbeaten path. It was “I can’t wait to see you” and a list of everything they’d do once they did. It was holding each other when they cried - sharing their own dark closets and realising just how difficult it was to say goodbye. It was drunk “I love you”s over the phone and learning the names of each of their 20 cousins. It was the seed of hope for making it last despite how many hours in a car or plane it would be before they would be able to laugh and dance together. It was a summer love and it was more. It was two best friends set on fire for each other. And it had an anticlimactic ending - them kissing under a mistletoe in front of all the people who thought they wouldn’t make it,” Charlotte smiled, “but the story is far from over. We’re still writing it everyday.”

Looking up at the sky, Charlotte breathed in the scents of winter and exhaled the spring in her heart.

“But anyways. The wedding. I ended up with sunflowers and mums favourite- lavender, for the bouquet. We actually managed to grow them on the farm- that was Alison’s idea. I think they were grown in a greenhouse or something. I don’t know. But I saw them this morning and they’re beautiful,” Charlotte said, “and the weather today isn’t too cold. I know March felt like a weird time to do this but I really wanted to have mum involved in some way and dad, so what better time than on your birthday dad and during Mother’s Day weekend,” Charlotte said, “it just felt like all the pieces had fallen into place.”  
“Charlotte?” A voice called.

Turning over her shoulder in the direction of the voice, Charlotte looked up in confusion as she waited for her eyes to adjust to the figure standing in front of the beaming sun.

“Roger?” Charlotte said, carefully standing up (not wanting to ruin her lace, ivory dress), “what are you doing here?”  
“What are you doing sitting in the grass?” Roger asked, almost rushing over to help make sure no dictators had struck,  
Holding up her jacket from the ground, Charlotte smiled, “I was sitting on my jacket,” Charlotte said softly, “I just needed to see them once before we got the show on the road, you know?”  
“I do,” Roger said, exhaling as he looked at the headstones, “they’d be so proud of you.”  
“Don’t. I’ll start crying-“  
“They would Charlotte,” Roger smiled solemnly, “you girls were their world and although they’d of probably made you- and Sidney, see sense a lot sooner. Will they? Won’t they? Charlotte almost engaged to some else. Sidney onto girl number whatever. Charlotte’s heart broken _again_. Sidney’s heart broken _again_. It was like a game of football at one point only the ball was you heart. You parents would have probably saved us all from that soap opera-“  
“That’s my life your talking about,” Charlotte laughed nervously.  
“And what a tale it was,” Roger sighed, pulling Charlotte in for a hug.

Scrunching her nose, Charlotte felt the movie reel of her life play in her mind as Roger wrapped his hands around her- his warm embrace like putting on your favourite old cardigan. Why she and Sidney were so hell bent on breaking each other’s hearts- Charlotte still wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was because they didn’t know better. Perhaps it was because they were at the fragile age of confusion- where all the wrongs one were right and all the right ones were lost. But somehow fate managed to pull them out of all the wrong arms, right into the right ones and the cord that hung between their hearts, snapped them back together.

“Your mum, dad and grandpa would all be so happy for you Charlotte. You deserve more happiness than you think. More love than you assume,” Roger said softly, “and Sidney knows that too.”  
Charlotte smiled softly, patting down her long, tartan jacket and checking the time on her phone, “What are you doing here?” Charlotte asked, looking up from her phone scream as it slipped back into the pocket of her jacket, “Aren’t you meant to be with Sidney?”  
“You have no one to walk you down the aisle,” Roger said, holding out his arm for her, “and before you say it’s an archaic or misogynistic tradition, please know I would very much like to just walk you down the aisle and not give you away. The giving is all you.”  
Charlotte bit her bottom lip, “I suppose we can relegate the ghost of my grandfather and father,” Charlotte shrugged, handing Roger her dirty, folded coat and holding onto the hem of her ivory dress in her hand as they walked out of the cemetery and began to walk the short distance to Heywood farm.  
“Well, it would be my honour Miss Heywood to walk you down the aisle,” Roger said, “for the last time as a Miss.”  
“Thank you,” Charlotte said softly, “I would be more than happy to have you do that Roger, but if your here, who’s Sidney’s best man now?”  
Roger stifled an amused laugh and looked down to the ground as they along the broken footpath, “Tom turned up and said he should have had the role- helping Sidney out when he could, looking after him when they were younger, being his older brother. The usual Tom spiel,” Roger said, “so naturally Sidney gave the job to Crowe as soon as he walked through the door- he would have probably picked Babington but Crowe was the first one to turn up. To be honest I think he’d of even given it to Arthur had he not been made your celebrant.”

Charlotte giggled. Looking at the fields in bloom as they walked past the overgrown land, Charlotte thought of her excitement for today. Her wedding day. She hadn’t thought of marriage as a necessary step in life. Charlotte though that a piece of paper wasn’t needed to define her relationship especially when Sidney had already used enough papers to write his stories about their life together, but when Sidney asked, it seemed to be exactly what she wanted to do next with him. The next chapter in the story.

“Do you have your something blue?” Roger asked.  
“Besides my bruised, blue heart?” Charlotte laughed, giving Roger a cheeky side eye, “Alison has my mother’s bracelet which has blue stones in it. I trust fate but I’m also a little superstitious.”  
“That’s why I saw you sneaking out of the coffee house this morning? Seeing the groom before the wedding... not superstitious or anything,” Roger said, raising an eyebrow.  
“He just can’t see me in the dress before the wedding,” Charlotte clarified, holding her head up triumphantly.  
“But he can see you naked before the wedding?” Roger said without missing a beat.  
Charlotte instantly hit him in the arm and turned bright red, “Roger!”  
“Oh please,” Roger chuckled, “Are you nervous?” Roger asked.  
“I thought I was but no,” Charlotte smiled “everything feels right and in place.”  
“Well I don’t think I’ve ever known two people who deserve it more,” Roger smiled.  
“Thank you Roger,” Charlotte smiled, stopping to looking at him, “for everything. You’ve alway be enough there for me after my parents past- despite it all.”  
“Don’t mention it. You’ve alway been family kid and this is what families do- despite the chaos you may have known,” Roger said.  
“But Roger I do have to mention it- because it meant everything to me. Thank you for being the wind that shifted my direction. For being the fire on my cold days. For keeping me caffeinated,” Charlotte said, smiling, “I hope you know how grateful I am.”  
“Always,” Roger said, squeezing Charlotte’s hand before raising a cheeky smile, “now it’s not too late to turn around.”  
“But we’re at the edge of the farm,” Charlotte said with a raised eyebrow, “do we really want to go back to the real world already or shall we venture through- lost boys and girls seeking an endless adventure?”  
“But they never grow up?” Roger said.  
“Oh they did. But they held onto the memories- unwilling to let unsaid things be lost to the heart anymore,” Charlotte said softly, grabbing hold of Roger’s arm and tugging him gently as she stepped over the threshold and onto the land she had alway known as home, “Come on. He’ll be waiting for us.”

—  
“And now the bride and groom are going to read their vows. Both of them have decided to write and share their own words,” Arthur said merrily.

Standing in the rose garden on Heywood Farm, Charlotte and Sidney nervously stood there as all eyes were on them. The wedding was charming, if not a little too big for their liking. It had become much bigger than anticipated, but once news of their engagement got out, it was hard to stop people of Willingden (who had Charlotte since birth and Sidney from his many visits) from just turning up.

“I believe Charlotte is going to go first,” Arthur said, closing his notebook and resting it in front of his chest.

Looking around, Charlotte looked at the sea of people gathered around the garden- many having to stand by the lake or lean against wisteria trees just to get a view in. The rose garden was simple- decorated with strings of fairy lights hanging from tree to tree, roses beginning to bloom from almost every bush and scent the area and wooden benches brought in to provide the perfect viewing seat as Charlotte and Sidney stood under an archway.

It was the first part of land that Charlotte’s parents had transformed with their own hand- turning the barren land fertile again and blooming with beauty. It was the first place Charlotte and Sidney had snuck to when they first got together. It was perfect.

Nervously turning behind her, Charlotte accepted the worn postcard from Alison and held it firmly in her hands. She was terrified that she was going to fumble over her words as she had done in almost every practice run.

Gulping, Charlotte exhaled and looked up at Sidney- who was smirking at her.

“What?” Charlotte’s whispered.  
“The postcard,” Sidney said, trying to hold back a gentle laugh.  
“What’s funny about a postcard?” Charlotte asked, her eyebrows wrinkling.

Sidney smiled. He slipped his hand into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out his own vows- not once taking his eyes off Charlotte’s befuddled face. Holding the card up to cover his mouth, Charlotte smiled- hiding her giggles behind her own postcard, as they noticed the familiar image that covered their sheets.

“I think I’ve seen that postcard before,” Sidney said in a whisper.  
“The vows guys,” Arthur said, clearing his throat as everyone looked at them.  
“Sorry,” Sidney said, quietly before turning back to Charlotte, “Miss Heywood soon to be Parker. The floor is yours.”

Exhaling, Charlotte looked at Sidney before looking down at her the cursive writing sprawled across the back of the postcard. She had started her vows weeks ago- wanting to make them as special as possible but each time she did, she struggled to get the words just right. It was only when she was sat in Roger’s coffee shop having a cup of coffee last week (in town for her last dress fitting), that Charlotte had finally realised that what she wanted to say, had been in her head the entire time.

“I wrote a poem,” Charlotte said, looking out at the crowd of guests nervously before focusing on her card again and reading the words carefully:

‘ _Summer on our skin,_  
_You saw me smiling._  
_Between the spines of those fairy tale books,_  
_You asked me the reason._  
_But I just looked at you._  
_Nothing to hide,_  
_Everything to lose._  
_Because it was you._

_A note was carved into a strong tree,  
By a knife made of the love from you and me.  
A place we would swear to meet,  
But the hollows of time slipped away.  
The seasons came to change,  
Faces began to morph.  
But my heart remained marked,  
Because it was you._

_Stood there on the cliff tops  
And darling we knew.  
Felt love slip away from our hands,  
A thousand times before,  
But we drove back in the rainstorm,  
To beautiful beginnings.  
Rewriting all our pages,  
Because it was you._

_You made me believe the stars smiled,  
Brighter than those that shone from your eyes.  
Showed me skies cry,  
Louder than our haunting crimes.  
And I wonder how you managed  
To forever occupy my mind.  
But I alway knew.  
Because it was you._

_If you could just hear all the stories,  
I’ve said to the moon.  
You can never count those times,  
I’ve mentioned how much I adore you.  
I’ve called it magic,  
I’ve called it truth.  
But it was alway a precious tune,  
Because it is you._

_If you were to ask me,  
After everything we’ve been through.  
If I still believe that fairy tales do come true?  
Then of course I do.  
Because I’ll say it every life time,  
I do.  
I do.  
I do.’_

Biting her bottom lip, Charlotte lowered the sheet of paper to her side and exhaled. She didn’t really care for the faces around her, but after holding her breath for what felt like years, Charlotte finally dared to look up at Sidney. His eyes were on her, a small smile on his face and for a moment, he seemed to be in a trance.

“Sidney,” Arthur said, pinching his arm, “your turn.”  
“Right,” Sidney said, clearing his throat, “I’m afraid mine is a little less eloquent,” Sidney whispered for just Charlotte to hear.  
“I think you might be selling yourself a little short,” Charlotte said softly, giving him a reassuring wink.  
Sidney smiled, “I hope so,” he said before exhaling and speaking more loudly, “People may imagine that spring is here as the flowers begin to blossom and our trees begin to swap bare branches for leaves... but love is here too. Our love for each other. Our love for the pursuit of happiness. My love for Charlotte,” Sidney paused to nervously glance at Charlotte (who was staring at him- hanging on to every word), “I am a writer with no words. And unlike Charlotte, I am a poet with no rhyme because no combination of words could describe how you have captured my heart, mind and soul Charlotte,” Sidney gulped, feeling the heat of his nerves wash his cheeks red, “The beauty of our story has been the way it has unfolded. Getting another hand, so soon after we folded. You are the waves of love that gave me life. The flame that ignites my soul. You are the beautiful quiet pause during an autumn evening, where time slows and my heart speeds. The cool summer breeze where flowers bloom for our love. I’ll love you to the moon and back even though I can’t make it there. I will love you on your worst days because they count more than your best days. I will love you even when I have to reassure you repeatedly- because I will remind you every single just to make sure you know. I promise to meet you halfway and indulge in all your interests- maybe not all your interests but I will try just to see you happy. Love is found in the depths of my words, in the language of affection and intimacy and I’m glad that I’m sharing all that I have with you,” Sidney paused to look at the words on his paper, and when they no longer resonated with the words in his heart, he tucked in into his pocket and smiled, “We alway imagine love as an invisible cord connecting somewhere from a place in my heart to a similar place in yours. But my invisible cord- as precious as gold, isn’t a string. It has bended to your wind and thickened in its roots. It’s a rope for throwing out when we’re lost at sea and pulling us back in. It’s a rope to climb every mountain when there’s nothing but distance between us. It’s a rope as bold as brass because I wouldn’t want our love any other way,” exhaling, Sidney steadied his shaking hands as he looked at Charlotte, “You have a place in my heart no one else could ever touch and since I fell in love with you again... and again... and again, I have been walking the planet in a honeymoon phase. And I could try to find the greatest words ever written about love but I think, to put it simply in three words and eight letters. I love you,” Sidney said, feeling a calmness wash over him before he realised he missed the crucial part, “oh! And I do. I really do.”

Grabbing hold of Sidney’s hand, Charlotte leaned forward about to kiss him, when Arthur put his hand in between the couple and the guests laughed.

Arthur cleared his throat, “Well then, by the power invested in me, I now take great delight in saying, you may finally kiss the bride.”

And kiss the bride he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the love you have given this fic. It felt very risky to share it with you and filled me with a lot of nerves, but the response has been a delight and I’m so pleased you’ve loved it as much I have enjoyed writing. 
> 
> I hope the ending didn’t disappoint- I’ve been nervous about this all day. 
> 
> Thank you joining me on the ride. Until the next one ;) xoxo


	22. She's Always A Woman

_**20th January 2017** _

Slowly shuffling up the stairs, Charlotte balanced the files in her hand under her arm as she searched for her flat keys in her large bag (a dumpster for all her things from receipts to wrappers to official paperwork).

Charlotte and Sidney had moved back to Mary’s flat a few months after Charlotte’s grandpa’s funeral. The pace of London was far too busy for Charlotte’s cluttered mind (and she was in no mood to just blend into the background of other people’s lives) and Sidney was happy to take an evening’s break from the fast pace of the city and write to the rhythm of the sea.

Their worlds balanced the others- Charlotte’s constant need to organise balanced by Sidney’s more laid back approach, and they both understood the other’s desire to work- Sidney often critiquing journalism pieces and Charlotte adding her opinion in the by-line of his proofs.

In the past four years, Charlotte had returned to her job at the Sanditon Gazette. She knew she was better than the local newspapers- and Sidney reminded her of this fact often, but Charlotte actually enjoyed the mundane work and the simplicity of it. That didn’t stop her from raising her voice now, though, and Charlotte had worked her way up to owning the newspaper within two years (using the considerable funds her grandfather had left her to invest in the company). Her quick wit and clear cut direction made it easy for others to share the stories Charlotte actually wanted to tell and Charlotte now owned most of the small newspapers on the west coast.

Letting out a large yawn, Charlotte dropped all her files onto the edge of her bed and walked into the kitchen. She would need coffee- lots of coffee, in order to make it through the stack of proofs before printing tomorrow.

Taking her time with every movement, Charlotte continued to avoid the paper work front of her and did all kinds of irrelevant stuff/tasks to avoid it. When she saw Sidney’s name pop up on her screen, however, she quickly reached for her iPhone and tapped the green button, accepting his facetime call with her brightest smile.

“When are you coming home?” Charlotte said softly.  
“Saturday Char,” Sidney replied, “And you know that.”  
“Your last meeting is scheduled to happen on Friday at four,” Charlotte said, leaning back into the sofa and settling her feet on the coffee table while holding the phone in front of her, “which means you can get to the plane between six and seven and be here just in time to fall asleep next to the love of your life.”  
“I agreed to have lunch with a publisher on Saturday, Charlotte,” Sidney said, reminding her of the plans he had already told her multiple times.  
“I was hoping you would forget about that lunch,” Charlotte said rolling her eyes, “Can’t you just tell him that something came up?”  
“Might I ask what came up so I at least give him an excuse?” Sidney questioned with a suspicious smirk.  
“Your girlfriend misses you, our bed is too damn cold, I’m eating take out every night or having burnt toast,” Charlotte said, listing each point quickly. “Should I keep going? I could come up with plenty of reasons,” she shrugged.  
“It’s just lunch Char,” Sidney chuckled, “I will be back before you know it.”  
“Since when is Sam more important than your girlfriend?” Charlotte countered.  
“He’s not Charlotte. You know you’re the most important woman in my life just like you know this little act won’t get you anywhere,” he laughed.  
“It worked last time,” Charlotte said, shrugging her shoulders tiredly.  
“I was in London last time and Crowe is a lot easier to shrug off than a publisher,” Sidney said, “You usually deal better with business trips Charlotte,” Sidney said. “What’s going on Char?”  
“I missed you way too much last night,” Charlotte responded, glancing at the closed door before continuing, “it’s just that time of the month and sleeping alone in that huge bed of ours wasn’t exactly satisfying if you know what I mean.”  
“Oh so you’re horny, is that it?” Sidney’s laugh echoed around the room and Charlotte quickly slid her fingers up towards the volume buttons to lower it even though she was the only one in there.  
“I didn’t say that,” Charlotte looked up at the ceiling in an attempt of avoiding any eye contact with him through the screen. “Maybe I just wanted your arms around me while I slept, that’s all...”  
“Say whatever you want but you can't fool me,” Sidney replied. “I know you, which means I know you’re not supposed to enter the needy and cuddly phase for another two days.”  
“And you still won’t be here when that happens so what’s the big deal anyway,” she groaned.  
“I just want you to admit that you’re horny,” Sidney mentioned. “I love when I’m right and you try to deny it.”  
“Sidney!”  
“That’s the tone,” Sidney sniggered.  
“I am sat on a sofa, all alone in the flat, rain outside and no sunshine,” Charlotte said. “Not everyone is lucky enough to be chilling in a fancy Plaza suite with an amazing view of Central Park at six o’clock on a Wednesday.”  
“You were supposed to be here with me but you let your grandma and Alison keep you behind. And work- I still don’t understand why you won’t leave the Sanditon Gazette,” Sidney shrugged, settling one arm behind his head. He noticed the exact moment Charlotte bit her bottom lip while staring at the muscles on his upper arm and couldn’t help but let out a soft giggle.  
“Isn’t it like 12 degree there?” Charlotte questioned. “You should put on a shirt before you catch a cold.”  
“I thought you would appreciate my choice of outfit this evening,” Sidney pouted playfully before leaning the phone so the camera would capture from his bare chest all the way to the waistband of his black sweatpants. “I chose it so carefully when I got out the shower...”  
“I wonder how long it took you to decide on so many pieces,” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes.  
“So now you think I’m wearing too many clothes?” Sidney laughed. “I thought you were worried I wasn’t appropriately dressed for the cold weather.”  
“I don’t have time for this bullshit,” Charlotte said, trying to change the subject. “Don’t you have a meeting over dinner this evening? I have work to do here.”  
“I still have a few hours before I have to leave,” Sidney told her. “I’m sure we can use them well,” he threw her a wink.  
“Well, John needs to sort out this newspaper tomorrow so I better start reading before we go to print,” Charlotte tried to speak in a serious tone but Sidney could read her better than anyone. It was clear that she was highly affected not only by his naked upper body but also by all the faces he was making with the sole purpose of torturing her even from the other side of the sea.  
“Are you sure?” Sidney asked. “I’m not familiar with that dress you’re wearing... maybe you could show me the whole piece?” He suggested, smirking in a playful and teasing way that he knew would drive her mad.  
“Goodbye Sidney,” Charlotte murmured before ending the facetime call, much to his disappointment. “Come on, Charlotte, you’ve got to focus on this,” she told herself as she reached for the paperwork next to her laptop.

—

“Is this angle good?” Charlotte asked, returning to her spot against the headboard.  
“I think so,” Sidney replied through the video call. “Open up for me so I can be sure,” he winked as he waited for her to get comfortable. Bending her knees up, Charlotte spread her legs apart and set both of her feet on the mattress, making sure her laptop was sitting right between them. “Oh, no underwear already, I like that,” he ran his tongue over his top lip at the sight of her naked core. “The camera is perfect, by the way.”  
“I’m turning it on,” Charlotte mentioned while pushing the button on the vibrator handle. “It should connect soon,”  
“It’s syncing,” Sidney said, checking his phone, waiting for it to connect with her toy through the long distance feature of the app.  
“I want to see you too,” Charlotte murmured when she noticed she could only see Sidney from the chest up.  
“I will move to the bed, give me a second,” Sidney grabbed his laptop and phone from the table and walked towards the king sized bed. “Better?” He asked, placing the laptop next to him so she could have a proper view of his upper body.  
“Yes,” Charlotte nodded, “but take those sweatpants off,” setting his phone on the mattress, he took his hands to the hem of his pants and pushed them down in one swift motion, kicking them off his body as soon as they reached his ankles. “Oh god,” she gasped when his not so soft member sprung free and appeared on her screen. Just like her, he had decided not to put on any underwear when he changed into his sleepwear that night. “I need you, Sidney...”  
“I’m right here, Char,” Sidney offered her a smile, “now let’s get rid of that nightgown, shall we?” He suggested. “I appreciate you wearing my favourite one tonight but I want to see your boobs, Char. Can you show me them?”

Charlotte quickly removed her blood red nightgown per his request and threw it on the floor. Getting on her knees, she crawled the few inches towards her MacBook and shook her boobs in front of the camera. Taking one of them in her hand, she squeezed it lightly for him before pinching her nipple with her thumb and index finger.

“They’re so sensitive...” Charlotte whispered as she played with her nipple.  
“I miss them so much,” Sidney replied, “can you feel me sucking it? My lips wrapped around it while I suck it very carefully, swirling my tongue all over it even though you’re this sensitive...” he described as she tried to achieve with her fingers the same feeling she would have were Sidney actually sucking on her nipple. “Give the other one some attention as well... wrap your hand around it, cupping it from the bottom while rubbing your thumb softly over the side.”  
“You see how big they are tonight?” Charlotte questioned, doing exactly as he was telling her to while standing as close as possible to the camera. “They’re so fucking swollen!” She closed her eyes, enjoying the incredible feeling of one hand squeezing one of her breasts as the other continued to play with her nipple.  
“This is definitely my favourite time of the month,” Sidney admitted, “ugh, I love how swollen and round they get at this time...” he groaned, his hand running through his hair even though it would much rather be doing what Charlotte’s were currently doing to her breasts. “You bite your bottom lip every time I squeeze them just a little bit harder because they’re extra sensitive,” he murmured, “yes, just like that,” he smiled when he noticed her tightening her fingers around her breast.  
“I need your hands, Sidney,” Charlotte groaned, “and your mouth...” she added. “You’re the only one that can make them feel better when they’re this swollen...”  
“I’m sure your hands are going to help you feel just as good tonight, Char,” Sidney spoke softly. “Go back to your previous position because bending over like that will give you a killer backache. Lean against the headboard and relax,” he instructed, taking care of her and making sure she was always as comfortable as possible, even from miles away. “Close your eyes and keep touching them while you listen to my voice,”  
“Okay,” Charlotte did as she was told and started massaging her breasts with both her hands, squeezing them with the perfect amount of pressure as she moaned his name. Her eyes were closed and her head was thrown against the soft headboard behind her.  
“Open your legs for me,” Sidney reminded her and Charlotte finally returned to the position she was in before as she set one feet on each side of her laptop. “So beautiful,” he ran his tongue over his lips. “Can you show me how wet you are?”  
“Soaking,” Charlotte murmured but didn’t even bother to take her hands off her breasts.  
“I can imagine that,” Sidney chuckled, “but I would love if you showed me how wet you are. Unfortunately, I’m not there to feel it myself so you’re going to have to show me, okay?” He asked. “Can you pretend one of your hands is my hand and show me?”  
“I think so, yeah,” Charlotte said, letting go of her right breast and sliding her dominant hand down to her centre, rubbing her index and middle fingers against her clit a few times before lifting them towards the camera and Sidney couldn’t help but gasp at the sight of the stickiness on her fingers. “Is this how you want me?”  
“It’s a great start,” Sidney shrugged, “but I’m pretty sure we can accomplish more, don’t you think?” He teased. “Touch yourself again,”  
“How?” She questioned. “Tell me what to do.”  
“Slide one finger in slowly,” he began.  
“Oh god,” Charlotte moaned as she pushed her index finger inside. “Mmm,” she closed her eyes while adjusting to the mild intrusion.  
“Open your eyes and look at the screen, Char,” Sidney demanded.

Charlotte could swear her heart stopped when she turned her attention back to the screen and noticed Sidney stroking himself. His laptop was only a few inches from his body and her finger slid all the way in almost involuntarily when her eyes landed on the rock hard dick in his hand.

“Sidney ...” It was all that Charlotte managed to say out loud.  
“Add another finger.”  
“You’re so hard,” Charlotte commented.  
“I wish it was your hand wrapped around it,” Sidney murmured, twisting his wrist while moving his hand all the way down to his base before sliding back up while tightening his grip around his length.  
“I’m going to come soon,” Charlotte told him.  
“Close your eyes then,” Sidney requested. “Imagine that my fingers are the ones sliding inside your pussy right now,” his voice was so soft she thought she was going to come before he even finished his sentence, “and imagine that you’re sucking my dick while I finger you... you’re running your tongue around the tip while my fingers are teasing your G-spot and my thumb is pressing on your clit.”  
“Oh god, Sidney!” Charlotte screamed, moving her fingers as fast as she could as she felt her climax taking over her body.  
“I’m almost there too, Sidney,” he moaned, “But come for me.”  
“Sidney!” She exclaimed, throwing her head back against the headboard as she came. “Oh Sidney,” she repeated while pulling her fingers out once her body started relaxing.  
“Keep stroking,” Charlotte instructed him, “you’re going to come more.”  
“Charlotte...” Sidney screamed when another spurt of cum escaped his dick. “Oh my god, I need you...” He groaned as his body squirmed. “I need to fuck you, Charlotte,” he gasped.  
“What are you going to do, Sidney?”  
“Fuck you,” he replied. “I’m going to fuck you until you forget your own name and all you can speak is Sidney in between screams...”  
“What else?” She encouraged, noticing his hand was still moving up and down his softening member.  
“I’m going to kiss your lips, I’m going to suck your neck and I’m going to lick your ears while I thrust deeper and deeper into you.”  
“Oh, so you’re going to be on top?” Charlotte asked playfully.  
“Yes,” he nodded, “because I don’t want you doing all the work... I’m going to drive you crazy and all you’re going to have to do is lie back, relax and enjoy me doing wonders to you.”  
“You promise?” Charlotte smiled softly, her breathing slowly returning to normal as she lived off the high of her most recent orgasm.  
“Of course, Char.”  
“Go clean yourself up,” Charlotte giggled. “Maybe drink a glass of water as well so we can continue,” she told him. “I have to admit, as much as I want you right now, this long distance thing is kind of fun.”  
“Wait until we start using that vibrator,” Sidney smirked, “apparently we got so carried away we even forgot about that freaking toy.”  
“Yeah,” Charlotte mumbled. “Are you going to control this thing from your phone?” She reached for the vibrator and turned it on. “What if I need less power? Or more power?”  
“Then you ask for it,” Sidney said, turning the laptop so he could give Charlotte a full body view of him completely naked as he walked to the mini fridge to get a bottle of water.  
“Can I bite that ass, please?”  
“Saturday, Char,” Sidney rolled his eyes before drinking almost the whole bottle in one gulp.  
“Show me your dick then,” she requested.  
Sidney laughed, “Is the vibrator on?” Sidney sat down on the bed and pulled the laptop towards him.  
“Yes.”  
“Okay. There are two main features,” Sidney started. “One of them is the rotating head. Its main purpose is to stimulate your G-spot and there are three speeds to it,” he explained, “slow, medium and high,”  
“You better start on slow since we don’t know how fast this thing goes,” Charlotte murmured and Sidney couldn’t help but laugh.  
“I’m trying to pleasure you, not torture you Charlotte,” he shook his head playfully.  
“I’m clearly not the only horny one anymore... who knows what you’re going to do with that remote,” she shrugged. “What’s the second feature?”  
“The vibration itself,” Sidney told her. “The basics are low, medium and high but there are some other interesting ones...”  
“Such as?”  
“Oh, I can’t ruin the surprise, can I?” Sidney teased her.  
“Sidney, I’m not pushing anything inside my body until I’m aware of all the things it can do,” Charlotte put the vibrator down on the mattress and glared at him through the video call. “Not only don’t I have the remote but you have it, which means you have full control of what’s going to happen down there as soon as I start pushing it in so you better start talking about those types of vibration.”  
“Fine,” he groaned, “the other options are pulse, wave, fireworks and earthquake,”  
“You better not choose those last two,” Charlotte warned him. “I have absolutely no idea of what any of that means but I’m certainly not amused with the idea of having either fireworks or a freaking earthquake down there,”  
“Let’s see how it works, okay?” Sidney suggested. “I promise to let you know if I plan on choosing those two,” he threw her a wink.

Charlotte simply nodded and pushed the laptop towards the end of the bed with her feet as she scooted down to lie down. She hadn’t exactly moved the pillows behind her so her upper body was slightly inclined, allowing her to find not only a more comfortable position but one that would make it easier for her to slide the vibrator in.

“Bring the laptop a bit closer to you,” he asked.  
“Good?” Charlotte pulled it towards her, leaving it right where her knees were bent.

The MacBook was still behind her legs and with Charlotte currently in a lying position, her knees bent and her feet on the mattress, Sidney could see even more from her dripping wet core.

“Yeah, I can see your face too now,” he smiled. “Can I turn it on?”  
“Yes,” Charlotte wrapped her fingers around the white handle and positioned it at her entrance.  
“I’m only turning on the vibration right now,” Sidney told her. “Low mode so you can see how it is... start pushing it in, Charlotte,” he instructed, “slowly because we haven’t had sex in five days and well,” Sidney began but stopped.  
“Oh god, this feels good,” it was the first thing that came out of Charlotte’s mouth once she started sliding the vibrator in.

The silicone was soft and even a little bit cold, bringing her a whole different feeling as it vibrated inside of her. She had had her fair share of vibrators over the years but none of them couldn’t even compare to that one. Maybe it was because she wasn’t doing it alone as a way to relieve the frustration and the tension of going weeks or even months without sex. Not only was she doing it with her boyfriend, but Sidney had bought her this specific toy just for them to have some long distance fun.

“Slowly,” Sidney spoke when he noticed her frowning. “We have all night and that thing is not exactly thin...”  
“I need more,” Charlotte groaned.  
“How is that?” Sidney giggled when he noticed her hips buck up in surprise once he turned on the rotating head, going straight to the medium mode to stimulate her G-spot.  
“Holy crap!” Charlotte screamed, throwing her free arm against the mattress as if she needed to brace herself for what she was currently experiencing. The vibrator was only halfway in but its head was rotating 360 degrees inside of her and she could swear she was seeing stars.  
“Keep going,” Sidney spoke softly, “push it deeper so you can feel the arm vibrating against your clit as well.”  
“Let me,” Charlotte paused, closing her eyes as tight as she could while she enjoyed the amazing feeling between her legs, “oh god, Sidney,” she moaned. “Let me enjoy this first, oh god.”  
“Are you coming already?” Sidney asked when her body started squirming. Her hand was holding the toy completely still, not moving a single inch so it would keep stimulating the same spots inside of her.  
“You just brought one hell of a competitor to our bedroom Sidney,” Charlotte murmured, bucking up her hips when he switched the rotation from medium to fast and the vibration from low to medium. “Sidney!” She screamed, her left hand flying to her forehead as she reached her second climax of the night. “Oh Sidney!”  
“I’m not worried, no,” Sidney shrugged, “it may offer you a different sensation but I plan on using it on you with my own hands when I’m back,”  
“I would rather have you, honestly,” Charlotte whispered while pulling the vibrator out for a moment, “but damn this thing is good,” she laughed, running her fingers through her hair as she began relaxing from her high. “I think it even reached some places that even you have never reached,”  
“Have you seen the size of that head, Charlotte?” Sidney couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m pretty sure a toy is supposed to do that kind of thing to you. I’m just saying it’s going to be a lot better when I’m there.” He mentioned. “When I’m back home and we can play with that toy together... can you imagine what I can do to you if I’m there but I’m also using this toy on you?”  
“Oh god Sidney, I think you should come home tonight,” Charlotte finally turned towards the screen and offered him a smile and her puppy eyes.  
“And miss signing a deal for my next book?” Sidney questioned. “Come on, you know better than anyone that sometimes we have to put work first.”  
“But I want you...” she pouted.  
“I know,” Sidney smiled back at her. “Believe me, I want you more than anything right now but this trip is very important to me and my career.”  
“I know it is, Sidney,” Charlotte admitted. “As much as I keep telling you to come home, I know you need to be there right now,” she told him. “It sucks that we have to be apart for a week but we’ve survived worse than that, right?”  
“We can have this every night if you want,” Sidney pointed at the vibrator still in her hand. “Before you realise it, it’s going to be Saturday and I will be walking through our front door with your favourite smile,” he chuckled. “How does that sound?”  
“Can you bring me some pastries from Dominique Ansel?” Charlotte asked, “Smuggle them in for me?”  
“Cotton-soft cheesecake, mini madeleines and cronuts?” Sidney mentioned. “I’ve already placed the order and I will be picking it up on Saturday right before I head to the airport.”  
“I’m starting to think I should let you fly out there more often,” Charlotte shrugged.  
“You just asked me to fly back Charlotte,” Sidney laughed loudly.  
“I’m not exactly in my right mind at the moment Mr Parker,” Charlotte confessed, “but you bought me a new vibrator and you’re also bringing me those amazing pastries that are only available in New York just because you had to travel for a week.”  
“Maybe you should cook a special dinner to welcome me on Saturday,” Sidney suggested. “After all, look at all the things your boyfriend is getting you.”  
“Dinner?!” Charlotte frowned. “Okay, now you’re pushing it. Bringing me all that stuff is the least you can do after being away for a week- plus it would just be toast. You know I can’t cook well at all.”  
“Well, let’s see if that answer changes when I ask you that question again after a couple more orgasms...” Sidney teased her with his devious smirk that she loved so much.  
“A couple more?” Charlotte asked intrigued.  
“You didn’t think I was going to call it a night after two orgasms, right?” He questioned. “I still haven’t even tried this fireworks option.”  
“I’m pretty sure I told you that you’re not allowed to use that one.”  
“Oh Charlotte,” Sidney shook his head with a playful smile on his lips, “you came in a matter of minutes with one of the most basic features this toy has to offer,” he told her. “Can you imagine what’s going to happen if I choose the crazy features?”  
“Yeah, I can actually,” Charlotte replied. “You’re only going to make me miss you more because this vibrator will be doing spectacular things to my body while I wish it was you.”  
“Are you not having fun?” Sidney faked a sad and disappointed tone. After all, he knew she was enjoying it more than she would actually admit it out loud. “I can turn it off and end the call if you want to go to bed and get some sleep.”  
“Don’t you dare,” Charlotte replied instantly with a glare that he could swear was going to break through the screen of his laptop.  
“You ready to go again?”  
“Are you?” Charlotte countered. “I didn’t exactly hear you come but I might have blacked out for a moment there,” she chuckled.  
“I’m close but I didn’t come yet... you reached your climax way too fast tonight,” Sidney laughed. “The vibration is off... I want you to push it all the way in before I turn the vibrations on, okay?”  
“I’m so sensitive,” Charlotte whispered as the toy slowly entered her.  
“I can see how swollen your lips are,” he told her, “I wish I was there to kiss them and make them feel better... are they sore?”  
“No, just extra sensitive.”  
“We’ve never really done anything like this. If you start feeling any pain or discomfort, you need to tell me so we can stop,” Sidney spoke softly.

It didn’t matter how badly they wanted each other, he would always make sure Charlotte was feeling as good and comfortable as possible. Even during their most adventurous moments, he was always the perfect gentleman when it came to Charlotte’s body.

“Since I’m not there to notice if you’re feeling off, you need to tell me, okay?” He added.  
“I’m okay,” Charlotte offered him a smile, “you’re actually making me feel incredible,” she told him. “Okay, it’s in,”  
“Hold the vibrator with one hand and take the other one to your boobs,” Sidney requested. “Play with your nipple while squeezing your boob...”  
“Mmm, this feels amazing,” she moaned once the low vibrations started. “What are you doing?”  
“Look at the screen,” Sidney mumbled.

When Charlotte opened her eyes, she noticed one of his hands was holding his phone to control the vibrator but the other was tightly wrapped around his length. Sidney was probably painfully hard but he didn’t seem to care since he was clearly taking his time stroking his member.

“I’m going to try something, okay?” Sidney asked. Charlotte could see his thumb moving over the screen and she even pulled the vibrator out a little bit, not exactly sure of what to expect. “Did I say anything about pulling out?” His tone was serious.  
“No,” she whispered.  
“Are you scared?” He inquired.  
“No,” she repeated.  
“Then slide it back in,” he demanded. “Can you get your phone?”  
“Yeah, why?” She asked once the toy was buried deep inside of her, the arm from the rabbit vibrator teasing her clit exactly like she enjoyed the most.  
“You’re going to see a syncing request when you open your app,” Sidney explained while he watched her unlock her phone with her face. “It should say Max 2 in blue letters or something like that.”  
“Yeah, I see that,” she replied. “What the hell is that?”  
“Well, that’s my toy.”  
“What?!” Sidney screamed, letting go of both the vibrator and her phone, which ended up falling hard against her chest. “You have a toy?” She asked confused.  
“Of course I have one,” Sidney replied with a small and soft laugh, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You didn’t think I was going to let you have all the fun, did you?” He teased.  
“What?” Charlotte exclaimed again. “What the hell are you talking about, Sidney?”  
“It’s a set, Charlotte,” Sidney smirked. “This brand made it for couples... Nora is her toy and Max is his toy,” he told her. “You need to accept my request so we can connect both toys. This way I don’t have to use the remote on my phone anymore, just my toy.”  
“Oh my god, now you’ve managed to really surprise me,” Charlotte was still in shock with what she had just heard from her boyfriend. “Accepting it right now,” she mentioned as she tapped the “OK” sign to finish syncing their toys, “So every time I move, you’re going to feel contractions. If I move faster, the contractions increase, right?” Charlotte asked.  
“Right.”  
“And the faster you move yours, the higher will the vibrations on mine be.”  
“Exactly.”  
“Oh man,” Charlotte sighed. “I wonder who was so frustrated to come up with this idea.”  
“I’m pretty sure you were just about to become one of them hadn’t someone already invented this,” Sidney couldn’t help but laugh. “This is probably one hell of a business empire.”  
“Tell me about it,” Charlotte rolled her eyes, “so far it’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever given me... it’s probably a million pound industry,” she rambled.  
“I wish you could see yourself from my point of view right now, Charlotte,” Sidney laughed. “Lying on the bed with your legs spread open and holding a vibrator inside you but talking about a business opportunity.”

Sidney had no idea of what to expect from a sex toy that was currently enveloping all of him so he took his time, sliding it as slow as possible so he could get used to that somewhat odd and unknown feeling. Since Charlotte was already enjoying the perks of her own toy, it didn’t take long for him to realise that air blowing around him was actually from the air pump, which he was supposed to feel every time she moved the vibrator.

“Holy fuck!” Charlotte moaned when the head of her toy began to rotate.  
“This is so good,” Sidney opened his eyes and stared at her through the camera.  
“It is,” she murmured. “It’s actually a bit slower than when you were using the remote but knowing that toy around your dick is doing it makes it feel so fucking good,” she threw her head back and he watched in awe as Charlotte pushed the vibrator deeper into her.  
“That’s because I’m moving it slowly over here,” he informed her.  
“Move faster then,” she demanded. “You know I like action.”  
“I’m just trying to get myself used to the feeling,” Sidney chuckled. “We don’t want anything bad to happen to him, right?”  
“No, we do not,” Charlotte couldn’t help but laugh. “He has a lot of work to do when you get back to Sanditon,” she winked at him.  
“What kind of work?” He asked teasingly while increasing the speed of the toy around his length.  
“Oh god, that’s it,” Charlotte moaned once her vibrator started moving faster. “Yes, Sidney! Oh yes, that’s it, right there!” Her hand was completely still, holding the sex toy in place while she allowed it to move only at Sidney’s control.  
“What kind of work?” He repeated.  
“This, Sidney,” she scooted her body down, taking her hips closer to the laptop camera so he could see the toy vibrating inside of her.  
“You’re so wet,” Sidney commented. “Ugh, I hate that I’m not there.”  
“You will soon,” Charlotte’s murmured. “How does that feel?” She asked, pulling the vibrator out a few inches only to push it back in again.  
“Charlotte!” His scream filled the room and an amused smirk quickly appeared on her lips. “I have to admit this can be just as satisfying as real life sex.”  
“I miss your body warmth and your lips moving against mine but yeah, this toy is definitely doing quite a performance down here,” Charlotte giggled.  
“I’m not going to last much longer,” Sidney warned her. “This is so fucking good,” he closed his eyes, moaning loudly while moving the masturbator around his dick. “Charlotte, keep moving yours... oh god,” he threw his head back.  
“Can you feel my walls contracting around you, Sidney?” Charlotte teased. “I’m so wet...” She whispered softly. “Keep your eyes closed and spread your legs just a little bit, like you do when we’re in bed and I’m riding you,” she demanded, “Just imagine your hands are on my hips so you can guide me while you’re buried deep inside of me,” her tone was low and sensual and she knew it was driving him totally crazy.  
“Char...” It was all Sidney could mutter.  
“I can feel you,” Charlotte continued. “I can feel how hard you are and I know you want to come so let go Sidney. Let go while I’m riding you.”

Her eyes were glued on the screen when Sidney threw his toy on the mattress and wrapped his hand around his throbbing erection. His eyes were still closed but the sound of Charlotte’s voice echoing around his suite was enough for him to reach his climax. When he couldn’t hold much longer, he finally allowed himself to let go and came as Charlotte continued to tease him, telling him everything she was going to do to him when he was finally back from his weeklong business trip.

—

“Did I walk into the wrong flat by any chance?” Sidney jaw dropped to the floor when he noticed Charlotte moving around the kitchen.

The flat was quiet and he wondered if Charlotte was even home for a minute. Sidney had woken up with a text from her that morning, saying how much she missed him and how glad she was that he was coming back to Sanditon later.

Leaning gainer the door frame for a moment, Sidney couldn’t help but feel so content. She was there- looking so damn pretty. He was there. They were happy. Life’s pieces had all seemed to fallen into place.

What actually surprised him was the fact that Charlotte was not only in the kitchen but was also wearing his apron as she stirred something inside a pan. She was talking to herself as she tilted to the right to read what he could only guess was a recipe on her phone so she didn’t even acknowledged his presence until he spoke up. Not even the smell from the fresh pastries coming from the box he had just placed on the table was able to catch her attention.

“You’re back!” Charlotte exclaimed, letting go of the silicon spoon before rushing towards him.

Sidney opened his arms to greet her with a hug but once more, Charlotte managed to surprise him when she jumped against him, wrapping her legs around his waist. One of his hands flew to her back as the other gripped her thigh to keep her from falling. Throwing her arms around his neck, Charlotte looked deep into his eyes and welcomed him home with one of her wildest smiles.

“I missed you so much,” she murmured, crashing her lips against his.  
“I missed you too Charlotte,” he replied between kisses.

Taking a few steps forward, Sidney carefully sat Charlotte on the counter but as their kisses started to get more desperate and demanding, she tightened her legs around him to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere. At least not after a weeklong business trip.

Their lips were moving in perfect sync but the moment their tongues tangled around each other, all Sidney could do was close the remaining distance between them as his hand moved from her back to her hair. He thrust his hips involuntarily against her and Charlotte couldn’t help but break the kiss when a loud moan escaped her lips.

His fingers were lost in her curly brown waves when Charlotte threw her head backwards, enjoying the feeling of finally having him there, with her, and not through a camera. Settling one of her hands on the back of his neck, she pulled him back to her, capturing his lips in an even more passionate kiss.

“Charlotte…” Sidney moaned, his lips leaving hers after only a few seconds to travel down her face. He tightened the grip of the hand still on her thigh as he started to make his way to her neck, leaving wet and loud kisses all over her white skin.  
“Sidney,” she could barely speak any coherent words when he sucked on her neck, right on the spot that could make her feel tickles, butterflies on her stomach and even more desperate for him, all at the same time.  
“I want it too, believe me,” Sidney whispered, his tone filled with passion and lust, “but I don’t think it would be very smart of us to keep that fire going on the stove.”  
“Oh my god!” Charlotte exclaimed. She had completely forgotten about the sauce she had been trying to make when Sidney arrived.  
“What were you trying to do, Charlotte?” Sidney asked, glancing inside the pan as he turned off the stove.  
“Chocolate truffles,” she shrugged.  
“Please, tell me you’re not going to put bacon in the truffles,” his eyes widened when he noticed the small glass bowl filled to the top with tiny pieces of crisp bacon. “I know you love bacon but this seems too extreme, even for you,” he couldn’t help but chuckle.  
“No!” Charlotte replied sharply. “That’s for the carbonara sauce… apparently you have to let the chocolate rest in the fridge for a while before you make the truffles so I figured I would do then first and then start on the pasta,” she explained, “You go away on business a lot- I’ve been practicing my cooking skills.”  
“Well, you’re not supposed to stop stirring the chocolate if the fire is on,” Sidney said, taking the pan to show Charlotte the burnt chocolate.  
“This is exactly why I don’t cook,” Charlotte groaned, “Just throw it away,”  
“We can make another one if you want,” Sidney suggested.  
“I just wanted to do something nice for when you got home…” Charlotte confessed. “You managed to be the most perfect boyfriend even from miles away. Believe me, the past couple of days definitely wouldn’t have been as fun as they were if it weren’t for that gift you sent me so I thought it would you’d love if I did something to thank you for it,” she offered him a smile. “The other day you joked about me cooking you dinner but I thought maybe I could actually pull it off, which I clearly can’t,” she added.  
“It looks like you were doing a great job,” he mentioned. She had already fried the bacon and on the counter, there were a small bowl of finely grated parmesan cheese and a medium sized one with whisked eggs and cream. The spaghetti box was still untouched, sitting right next to the bowls. “The mise en place is impeccable Charlotte.”  
“You always set up all the ingredients like this when you cook so I just thought it had to be an important step,” she told him, wrapping her hands around his waist. “I admit I wasn’t really sure of what to do next though so I decided to work on that damn chocolate but I ruined that too.”  
“You were happy to see me,” Sidney spoke softly. “If you ask me, it is kind of sweet that I’m the reason you got distracted,” he giggled.  
“Maybe I should have just asked Mary to make it instead of trying it myself,” Charlotte complained, staring at her bare feet as she moved her legs back and forth in front of her, “I could have exchanged food for babysitting.”  
“It means a lot to me that you tried to do it yourself,” Sidney said, cupping her cheek in such a gentle and sweet gesture while he ran his thumb softly over her delicate skin. “I’m here now though so what do you say we cook this carbonara pasta together?” He asked. “I brought your favourite pastries from New York. We can leave the truffles for some other day.”  
“I would rather do something else, to be honest,” Charlotte reached for the hem of his jeans, pulling him in between her legs as her fingers worked on his belt.  
“Aren’t you hungry?” He asked while settling his hands on her waist beneath the thin fabric of her silk blouse.  
“Not for food,” Charlotte murmured against his neck. “You’ve been gone too long Sidney,” she swirled her tongue around his earlobe, full aware of how much it turned him on.  
“I thought you wanted to cook to thank him for all the fun you’ve been having?” Sidney teased, his fingers gripping her waist tightly while sliding up her body.

Charlotte moaned softly when he settled his hands right under her breasts but it suddenly became very hard for her to breathe when his thumbs bypassed the wire in the bottom of her bra. She had already unbuckled his belt but she could barely unbutton his jeans when Sidney started rubbing her nipples, applying the perfect amount of pressure to her sensitive skin as he circled his cool thumbs around them.

“Why don’t we save this for dessert?” Sidney suggested as Charlotte slid one hand into his pants. “We can take those mini madeleines to bed and well… I’m sure you know the rest,” he offered her a smirk. “I asked them to add extra chocolate sauce,” he paused, “I could pour some of it between your breasts…” He whispered in her ear.  
“I can’t deny how amusing that sounds,” Charlotte rolled her eyes, “but as you said it yourself, that’s something for dessert, which means after dinner where I come from,” she spoke as her fingers finally worked on the button and zipper of his pants. “Right now, however, I’m more interested in an appetizer,” he rested his forehead on her shoulder and a moan escaped his lips when she wrapped her hand around him, still trapped inside his boxers, much to his disappointment. “I’m sure you’re familiar with it,” she teased, stroking him ever so softly, “you know,” she paused, “what you usually have before dinner.”  
“I think I could be persuaded,” his tone was almost a whisper and she couldn’t help but laugh when he bit onto her shoulder to suppress another moan.

***  
 _ **15th March 2017**_

“There you are,” Charlotte poked her head through the partly open door to his office at their flat.

It was close to midnight and she had just gotten home after spending the past four hours in Willingden with her grandmother and Alison. Grandma Susan had invited her over for dinner to discuss some family related business matters and since Sidney had a deadline coming up, she drove to the place she called home for almost a decade straight after work.

Although Sidney wasn’t exactly interested in what Susan did or did not do with the Heywood name and money, Charlotte had made it a habit to share with him everything her grandma talked to her about. Charlotte just enjoyed how good a sounding board Sidney could be at times- and he seemed to feign at least some genuine interest.

“How was dinner?” Sidney said, hitting the small disk on the top right of the screen at the sight of her stepping into the room, saving the file he had been working on for hours before looking up from his laptop.  
“Exhausting,” Charlotte shrugged. “As if I didn’t have my own stuff to take care of, Susan wants me to be a part of this too,” she spoke while walking further into the room.  
“Just be glad my brother doesn’t share that kind of stuff with us,” Sidney chuckled, opening his arms out for her as she rounded the desk.  
“I’m pretty sure I can handle Susan and her Heywood Empire but there’s no way in hell I’m handling the Tom Parker craziness- I hope you know that,” she groaned.  
“What are we going to do when one inevitably lands in your hands and the other probably in mine since I hold a majority share in it?” Sidney questioned. “I’m just a writer but I did marry one hell of a business woman, you know?”  
“I’m just a journalist Sidney,” Charlotte shrugged.  
“A journalist who has taken ten failing newspapers and started to turn a profit,” Sidney said. He reached for her hand and pulled her closer to him until she finally understood his hint. She had been awake for almost eighteen hours and she wasn’t even thinking straight anymore. “Would it be a wise business decision to leave a company in the hands of a fictional writer?” He asked, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist once she was sitting on his lap.  
“It’s a great thing you have a few decades to learn all about business and companies then,” Charlotte offered him a smirk before throwing him a wink. “I don’t mean to sound horrible but Tom might drop the minute you tell him I would be the one handling the Thomas Parker dynasty and then we’ll just have an even bigger problem on our hands,” she laughed.  
“Pull your legs up,” Sidney requested softly. “Maybe I should tell him that...” He added, working on the thin red straps around her ankles to free her sore feet from those four inched heels.  
“Okay, now you lost me,” she frowned, throwing him a puzzled look.  
“He might take your business acumen a bit more seriously if he realise that company will be going to your hands if shit ever hits the fan,” Sidney explained while he carefully removed the stilettos from her feet. “My sisters would probably sell all of their shares just so she wouldn’t have to deal with it and Arthur has no desire to work in real estate or property development,” he admitted, dropping her heels on the floor before adjusting Charlotte’s legs on his lap while she wrapped her arms around his neck.  
“What about building our own dynasty? Your publishing company. My newspaper company,” Charlotte leaned forward, resting her forehead against his as he tightened his grip around her. That chair wasn’t exactly big enough for the two of them but there was something about being completely wrapped up in his embrace that made Charlotte feel as comfortable as she could be. “I believe that’s a lot more important than what we might inherit somewhere down the road,” she cupped his cheek softly, looking deeply into the brown eyes she was crazy in love with.  
“It is,” Sidney nodded while moving one arm in between their bodies. “And I thought we were already planning on working on that?” He questioned.  
“We are- we will, yeah,” Charlotte whispered before pulling him in for a kiss.

As their lips moved in perfect sync with each other, Sidney pulled her blouse out of her suit pants and slowly slid his hand underneath it. Charlotte couldn’t help but break the kiss once she felt his cold hand against her skin but it didn’t take long for a smile to appear on her lips when he started to move it across her stomach. A smile they were both displaying when they crashed their lips back against each other’s, allowing their tongues to tangle while they shared delicate touches.

Her fingers were lost in his hair, playing with the light brown short, curly strands. Charlotte couldn’t help but laugh when they broke the kiss for air and she noticed a few traces of her lipstick on his mouth but she knew Sidney couldn’t care less about it. Taking a deep and relaxing breath, she chuckled softly before leaning in for another kiss. It was late, she was exhausted and she really wanted her bed. However, it didn’t really matter how tired she felt at that moment because all she wanted was to kiss him all night long, cradled against his chest while their lips moved together in a loving and passionate kiss.

***  
 _ **10th November 2017**_

It was almost ten o’clock and the flat was dark and quiet, as if no one even lived there. The only sound Charlotte could hear as she walked along the hall was the wind blowing against the wide window in the kitchen.

Charlotte had already showered and changed into her dark blue silk pajamas, her hair falling down her shoulders in natural waves and her face free of any kind of makeup. The winter nights were getting cooler and while she wore long sleeves and pants, she couldn’t wait to get to the living room, where the fire had been crackling in the fireplace for hours, and just sit with a cup of coffee and a book to read.

Before she could do that though, Charlotte stepped into her bedroom- using her back to gently push the door open as she carried a wooden tray with both her hands. Charlotte carefully placed the tray on Sidney’s nightstand before sitting down on the edge of the bed. For a couple of minutes, all she could do was stare at his pale face as he slept soundly. He wasn’t supposed to have three layers of blankets over him after spending the afternoon battling against a fever that insisted on returning every couple of hours. However, he looked so adorable wrapped around the warm fluffy blanket on top of him that Charlotte couldn’t help but smile at the sight in front of her.

Leaning forward, she gently rested her cheek against his forehead to check for any signs of a fever but his temperature seemed to be finally going back to normal.

“Sidney...” Charlotte spoke softly, running a hand through his hair, “Wake up.”  
“I’m tired,” Sidney mumbled. His voice was barely audible when he turned away from her, lying on his side with his back to her.  
“You’ve been asleep for almost four hours now,” Charlotte said, softly, “You need to eat.”  
“No, sleep,” Sidney murmured, tightening his hand around the blankets wrapping around him.  
“Come on, Sidney, you’re not a child,” Charlotte said, rolling her eyes- he always complained when he was ill, “I brought you soup and some bread.”  
“Did you cook?” Sidney turned around with a frown, finally opening his eyes as the idea of Charlotte actually doing something in the kitchen caught him by surprise.  
“Of course not, silly,” Charlotte chuckled. “Mary made your favourite soup but you had just fallen asleep,” she told him, “It’s almost ten and I don’t want you to sleep through the night without food in your stomach.”  
“Alright, alright,” Sidney groaned, sitting up. “This soup does smell great anyway,” he glanced at the tray Charlotte had set up as he leaned against the headboard.  
“How are you feeling?” Charlotte asked while settling the tray over his legs.  
“Slightly better,” Sidney offered her a smile before taking the spoonful of soup to his mouth. “Well rested I suppose,” he added, “but I think I would be even better if someone were to give me this soup.”  
“I’m not feeding you, if that’s what you’re implying,” Charlotte countered. “I brought you the soup all the way from the kitchen but you’re perfectly capable of moving that spoon between the bowl and your mouth on your own.”  
“Come on, Char,” Sidney pouted, “I’m sick...”  
“Why do men always turn into babies when they get sick?” Charlotte crossed her arms against her chest. “Do you want a bib and a funny spoon too?”  
“I will keep that in mind for the next time you get sick,” Sidney teased her.  
“Oh, for god’s sake,” Charlotte sighed, a groan escaping her lips as she scooted closer to him. “Pull the tray towards you,” she instructed while reaching for the spoon between his fingers. “How is that, Mr. Parker?” She asked as she lifted the spoon to his mouth.  
“It tastes even better now,” he smiled.  
“Should I make airplane noises too like I do for Alicia and Jenny?” Charlotte questioned. “Voom, voom!” She moved the spoon in the air for a couple of seconds, always keeping her other hand beneath it in case some of the soup fell from the bottom, then gently pushed it inside his open mouth. "No, that's too much, I can't do that, no," she mumbled, shaking her head.  
“I think the fever might be coming back because Charlotte Heywood making airplane noises with a spoon of soup has got to be a hallucination,” Sidney raised one hand, placing his palm flat open against his forehead.  
“You’re so funny, Sidney,” Charlotte replied sarcastically. “Can you see me laughing so hard right now?” She threw him a glare.  
“You were a lot nicer earlier,” he shrugged while eating a piece of the bread.  
“You texted me you were feeling weird and that you had a fever in the middle of the day, Sidney!” Charlotte exclaimed, “I left the office in a hurry and yeah, I was freaking out because you’re the one that knows what to do in this situation but now I see that you just wanted me to spoil you,” she teased as she fed him more soup.  
“I think you’re doing just fine,” Sidney reached for her face, running his thumb delicately over her cheek before pushing a lock of hair behind her ear as she leaned against his hand.  
“Do you want me to run you a bubble bath?” Charlotte suggested.  
“Will you join me?”  
“I’ve already showered,” Charlotte told him, “but I admit a bubble bath sounds quite nice and relaxing...” she smiled. “Can you finish your soup while I turn on the water?”  
“Yeah,” he nodded.  
“Eat everything, Sidney,” she stood up, taking one hand up to his hair. “Including the bread.”  
“Yes boss.”  
“I love you,” Charlotte said, her tone was soft.

Leaning forward, Charlotte placed a long kiss on his forehead as her fingers played with his short, curly strands. Her lips were slightly cold against his relatively warm skin but a smile quickly appeared on his lips as he looked up at Charlotte, appreciating the sweet gesture she had definitely picked up from him at some point during their relationship.

“Charlotte?” Sidney said, grabbing hold of her wrist before she left for the bathroom.  
“Yeah,” Charlotte said, biting the inside of her cheek as she mentally went through the things she needed to do.  
“Marry me,” Sidney said, staring at her as she looked at him in confusion.  
“Sorry what?” Charlotte said, raising an eyebrow.  
“Marry me,” Sidney repeated, sliding his fingers in between hers.  
“Is that a request or a question?” Charlotte asked quietly.  
“A question I’d very much like to request a yes to,” Sidney smiled weakly.  
“You’re clearly not feeling okay,” Charlotte sighed, placing the back of her hand against his forehead, “Maybe you do need a doctor.”  
“I don’t need a doctor,” Sidney chuckled, grabbing Charlotte by the waist and pulling her onto the bed, “I love you… so much. I want to marry you.”  
“But we said we didn’t need to get married when this came up before. We were happy to just be,” Charlotte said, the logical part of her brain telling her that she was already in her safety net and didn’t need to try and challenge that.  
“I want more than a book with some scribbled vows in the by-lines Charlotte,” Sidney said, referring to the copy of his second book Seasons in which the two of them wrote a list of promises when they first officially moved into the flat together (they jokingly referred to them as their vows but they both kind of meant it), “I want to call you my wife. I want to know it. So… will you marry me… just because I’m in love with you and I want to hang out with you for the rest of my life?”  
Charlotte squinted her eyes as she looked at Sidney (who was on top of her) and sighed, “You know this is probably the least romantic proposal ever?”  
Sidney laughed, “I can work on another one once I’m feeling better if you want- as long as the answer stays the same.”  
“And who’s to say you’ll like the answer I’m about to give,” Charlotte countered.  
“Call it a feeling in my bones,” Sidney smiled, resting his forehead on her.  
“Okay,” Charlotte said, pressing her lips onto his and slowly deepening their kiss before pulling away, “but don’t rush me to an altar.”  
“Yes,” Sidney chuckled.  
“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for following this story. I hope this chapter was enjoyable for everyone :)


	23. The Playlist

I wasn’t sure if anyone wanted the songs for all the title chapters like you wanted with my last fic but here they are just in case :)

Chapter 1: Cheers (I’ll drink to that) - Rihanna  
Chapter 2: Dear April- Frank Ocean  
Chapter 3: Seaside Rendezvous- Queen  
Chapter 4: Come together- the Beatles  
Chapter 5: Let it be- the Beatles  
Chapter 6: Can’t take my eyes off of you- Frankie Vallie and the four seasons  
Chapter 7: Cardigan - Taylor Swift  
Chapter 8: Jealous- Labrinth  
Chapter 9: Trampoline- Shead ft Zayn  
Chapter 10: Dilemma- Nelly ft Kelly Rowland  
Chapter 11: Clocks- Coldplay  
Chapter 12: Edge of seventeen- Stevie Nicks  
Chapter 13: Smells like teen spirit- Nirvana  
Chapter 14: Waterloo sunset- The Kinks  
Chapter 15,16,17: August- Taylor Swift  
Chapter 18: When I was your man- Bruno Mars  
Chapter 19: Chasing pavements- Adele  
Chapter 20: Betty- Taylor Swift  
Chapter 21: Kiss me - Sixpence None The Richer  
Chapter 22- She's Always A Woman- Billy Joel


End file.
